ok. no brmc cuz no babysitter for the boys. but i got a bunch of stuff done (or at least thought about doing them) at wildwood. then i had a lovely low-key relaxing photoshoot next door in the field outside the church building. i was kind of on a dandelion bender as you can see from tonite's posts. the light from the low hanging sun around 7:30pm was absolutely lovely. and all the tiny creatures that had disappeared for so long during our extra long winter were out in full buzz tonight. i love the warm months!
on my way over to wildwood, i had a talk w/ krysta carhart, and old old friend whom i've known since i was like 20. good god, that's like a whole DECADE ago!!! sheesh...anyways, krysta & i hadn't talked in about a zillion years, and so i had to fill her in on all the stuff going on in my life. we're actually going to try to meet for lunch on sunday. it's always a bit strange for me to have to explain everything going on in my life these days. i told krysta what i've told a lot of people lately, that except for my dad dying and except for going through a divorce at the same time, my life is actually pretty great. if it weren't for those two things, my life would be on a total upswing. i guess those two things just happen to be really major things though.
so it's friday night, and i'm home doing not much of anything. actually, i'm blogging. and in a little while i'm going to start working on my portfolio, if i can get the damn printer to print. oh, crap. that reminds me, i need black & white glossies of stickman jones & bill mallonee. i better email tim...ok. josh is calling me. gotta go.
soundrack since this morning--
low resolution disc one--zapruder point
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet (yet again)
a whole bunch of mp3s that tim picked out that all started w/ tom's diner
living in the city--urban hillbilly quartet
st. paul town--urban hillbilly quartet
i saw like a totally awesome band last night @ gunther murphy's. they're called zapruder point. i don't know how to really describe it because i don't really know what i'm talking about when it comes to music. the only thing that comes to mind is death cab for cutie stripped down meets songs: ohia. sometimes even a bit damien juradoish. maybe a little pedro. maybe even a bit of red house painters. simon joyner? i dunno. who cares anyway. all i know is that i totally loved the sound!!!!!!! the front man is dan phillips, a close friend of jenn sampson & john roberts who i used to go to church w/. i was actually having dinner w/ jenn & we met up w/ john at gunther murphys for the show.
it's always so refreshing to hear intelligent music that you also LIKE listening to. i bought the 2 cds they had (one of which was a double cd so i guess that's really 3 cds). i've listened to it all and i really really like it. the opening act (the radio show or radio hour or something to that effect) was rather disappointing, and i was pretty bored by the time zapruder point got on. i hadn't taken even one photo by this point, that's how uninspired i was feeling. but as soon as dan started playing that 2string guitar, i was sold. i also love his voice. dan's bandmates casey on violin and thomas on drums--those guys were totally cool. they just all 3 had a really good energy about them. and dan's a funny guy too when he just talks in between songs.
you all should know by now that i'm fond of bands that use violins. so when jenn told me there was one in this band, i knew i'd probably like it. casey was totally AWESOME on that violin. i grew up w/ a brother who played violin & a best friend who played violin, and an aunt who TAUGHT violin, so i was pretty much violined out in my life until recently when i started hearing them in bands like bright eyes, ticklepenny corner, and now zapruder point. god bless the violin! that's all i have to say about that.
anyways, i got to see zapruder point because i had dinner w/ jenn sampson. i went to vineyard w/ jenn & her husband john roberts a while back. they were two people whom i could count on to not be stuffy cookie cutter christians, which is why i got in contact w/ jenn recently because i feel the need to spend more time w/ folks like that. they're also a blast to hang out w/. and jenn is like a gourmet cook! she made me homemade pizza w/ sundried tomatoes and this brocolliroccoli something or another that looks like broccoli but it's bitter. i like the bitter veggies. it was awesome!! AND there was chocolate meringue pie!!! those of you who know jenn know to never ever say no to her cooking, esp. to her desserts. so w/ the food & the music last night, it was one of my better evenings in a long time.
so okay, i took today off cuz it's gonna be 88 and sunny, and i don't like being at work on days when it's 88 and sunny. i really need to go renew my drivers license & state plates before i get stopped again so i'll be prepared next time. and tim & i are going to see black rebel motorcycle club downtown this late afternoon so i need to be ready to be stopped by the cops. doing all that driving, you know how it is--your chances for being ticketed increase proportionally. i need to go find me a pool that's open today...
recent soundtrack:
low resolution discs one & two--zapruder point
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
being there disc one--wilco
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet (like a zillion times)
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
audible sigh--vol
excuses for travelers--mojave3
of joy & sorrow--denison witmer
s/t--claire holley
luxuria--stickman jones
real men cry--lost dogs
audio lessonover?--delirious
the truth about us--tim easton
s/t--boom bang zoom (heeheehee)
i have spoken--framing amy
so last night i'm driving westbound on lake ave going to my mom's in glenview from the city. it's about 12:30am, and i'm at the stoplight at lake & sunset ridge blvd. i look in the rearview mirror and make out the shape of sirens on top of the car directly behind me, and i get "that feeling." i drive the speed limit, pass waukegan, and sure enough, blinding red white and blue lights engulf me, and so i pull over. the glenview officer walks over to my window, and i smile as innocently as i can (which can be quite innocent, by the way), and his face softens as he greets me and informs me that i was doing 48 in a 35mph zone. of course i never look at my spedometer, so i can't dispute this. he asks for my license & insurance card, which i have, thank god, and i'm relieved he doesn't ask for registration cuz i have no idea where the heck that thing is. he looks at my stuff, gives back my insurance card, and asks me, "do you know your license is expired?" and i am genuinely surprised because i had TOTALLY forgotten. i almost mention that things had been crazy--my dad just died, i'm going through a divorce, etc., but i decide those are things i'd rather not share and just apologize for being a ditz. he tells me to wait and takes my license back to his squad car.
i sit still and turn on claire holley, the most innocent sweetest sounding cd i have in my cd changer. i'm not really feeling scared or nervous or even embarrassed at this point. i haven't gotten a ticket in like 8 years, so i'm thinking i was pretty lucky considering i am constantly breaking traffic laws. the officer comes back and tells me he's not going to give me a ticket but just a written warning, even though my license was expired, and tells me to hurry up and get that renewed. now i would like to think that it was my innocent looking face and the claire holley that prevented him from giving me a ticket, but it was probably my almost perfect driving record (1 moving violation in over a decade of being a licensed driver is not so shabby). i am relieved and make a mental note that i had better get my plates renewed before this month is over and i get stopped again. so if officer #127 of the glenview police department is reading this, THANK YOU. you can stop me and give me a written warning any time as long as you don't give me a ticket.
besides that excitement of the evening, the other highlight of the day was a voicemail i got from my best friend josh in new york. he literally throws me a "surprise" 30th bday party in the message, and i have to laugh because only josh would think of doing that. i called him back & we had a nice long talk, like the good old days when i'd sit in my car & he'd sit somewhere in california and we'd just shoot the breeze and laugh and laugh some more.
i talked to josh about how i didn't want to celebrate my birthday because of my dad not being around, and how these days it seems that i don't really want to be with anyone or talk to anyone outside my mom & my brother & tim & a couple other people, maybe. when i'm actually with people, i don't mind and i like their company and everything, but when i'm on my own, i really don't feel like actively seeking out other people's company. i really like being alone, doing my own thing, not having to worry about other people.
we talked about how much i'm enjoying my new adventure at wildwood, how i absolutely love tim's boys and how healing it's been for me to just be around a dad w/ his kids. that part's kind of hard to explain. you'd think that i'd be more sad and miss my dad even more seeing tim w/ his boys. but it's actually the opposite. being around them reminds me of my dad and how much he loved me, and i feel closer to my dad when i'm over at wildwood. tim may think i keep showing up because i'm really excited to be helping out and learning about the music industry and all that jazz, and that's all true, but another factor is the sense of healing and joy i get when i'm there and because i'm reminded of my father's love just by watching tim love his boys.
i really miss josh. it was hard letting him & lielle move to new york back in march and then within days move out on my own and see my dad go back in the hospital at the same time. we both knew march and april would be hard months for me, but i don't think we had any idea just exactly HOW hard it would be. but we also know things are going to get better, and they already are in some respects. josh has seen me through a LOT this past year. but then again, i saw him through just as much i suppose. it's been a crazy year for us both...
soundtrack yesterday--
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
farmhouse--phish
your favorite music--clem snide
the ghost of tom joad--bruce springsteen
abbey road--the beatles
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
faith and devotions of a satellite heart--the violet burning
blinding bright--stickman jones
i sit still and turn on claire holley, the most innocent sweetest sounding cd i have in my cd changer. i'm not really feeling scared or nervous or even embarrassed at this point. i haven't gotten a ticket in like 8 years, so i'm thinking i was pretty lucky considering i am constantly breaking traffic laws. the officer comes back and tells me he's not going to give me a ticket but just a written warning, even though my license was expired, and tells me to hurry up and get that renewed. now i would like to think that it was my innocent looking face and the claire holley that prevented him from giving me a ticket, but it was probably my almost perfect driving record (1 moving violation in over a decade of being a licensed driver is not so shabby). i am relieved and make a mental note that i had better get my plates renewed before this month is over and i get stopped again. so if officer #127 of the glenview police department is reading this, THANK YOU. you can stop me and give me a written warning any time as long as you don't give me a ticket.
besides that excitement of the evening, the other highlight of the day was a voicemail i got from my best friend josh in new york. he literally throws me a "surprise" 30th bday party in the message, and i have to laugh because only josh would think of doing that. i called him back & we had a nice long talk, like the good old days when i'd sit in my car & he'd sit somewhere in california and we'd just shoot the breeze and laugh and laugh some more.
i talked to josh about how i didn't want to celebrate my birthday because of my dad not being around, and how these days it seems that i don't really want to be with anyone or talk to anyone outside my mom & my brother & tim & a couple other people, maybe. when i'm actually with people, i don't mind and i like their company and everything, but when i'm on my own, i really don't feel like actively seeking out other people's company. i really like being alone, doing my own thing, not having to worry about other people.
we talked about how much i'm enjoying my new adventure at wildwood, how i absolutely love tim's boys and how healing it's been for me to just be around a dad w/ his kids. that part's kind of hard to explain. you'd think that i'd be more sad and miss my dad even more seeing tim w/ his boys. but it's actually the opposite. being around them reminds me of my dad and how much he loved me, and i feel closer to my dad when i'm over at wildwood. tim may think i keep showing up because i'm really excited to be helping out and learning about the music industry and all that jazz, and that's all true, but another factor is the sense of healing and joy i get when i'm there and because i'm reminded of my father's love just by watching tim love his boys.
i really miss josh. it was hard letting him & lielle move to new york back in march and then within days move out on my own and see my dad go back in the hospital at the same time. we both knew march and april would be hard months for me, but i don't think we had any idea just exactly HOW hard it would be. but we also know things are going to get better, and they already are in some respects. josh has seen me through a LOT this past year. but then again, i saw him through just as much i suppose. it's been a crazy year for us both...
soundtrack yesterday--
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
farmhouse--phish
your favorite music--clem snide
the ghost of tom joad--bruce springsteen
abbey road--the beatles
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
faith and devotions of a satellite heart--the violet burning
blinding bright--stickman jones
saturday night's mark eitzel concert--a singer/songwriter named tim easton opened up for him w/ an acoustic set. i had never heard of him before, but i have to admit i was quite impressed. i'm a sucker for acoustic singer/songwriters. this one was much more along the lines of folk/americana/alt country than, say, denison witmer. his voice reminded me kind of david gray with a hint of bob dylan. his cd the truth about us (which he had help w/ from wilco & victoria williams) employs a full band for the most part and is excellent. i had a chance to talk to him a little bit after the show when i was buying his cd (which we had to go out to his car for), and he was totally approachable & personable. he's definitely worth checking out. hopefully he'll be back in chicago sometime in the near future.
i was excited to see mark eitzel for the first time live. mark was the frontman for american music club, one of the bands that i highly respect and recommend but for some reason don't find myself listening to as much as i want to (those "A" cds are at the top of the rack and often go overlooked...cuz i'm short...). anyways, mark & his guitar--it was AMAZING. i actually stopped taking photographs at a certain point, leaned myself against a post and just soaked in the music basically mesmerized. mark is so passionate when he performs--you can see the spit flying--he's so expressive, you can FEEL how much he cares about his songs and what he's singing about. there were several songs that basically totally silenced the room, and this does not happen often even at schubas, which is usually a pretty well-behaved crowd but still has a low buzz conversation going on most of the time. you could just feel people's hearts being gripped. i was very very much moved by some of his songs, and he did a lot of my favorite american music club songs. i still get chills thinking about this performance...
alright. so sunday morning, i did actually wake up in time to make it to life on the vine, tim's church. my mom, my good friends jane hong & eric& candy fehrenbacher also went w/ me. the people were extremely friendly and made us feel at home. and watching tim preach--it was like seeing an old friend up there, not some strange pastor dude. tim's pretty good at talking too, so it was all good. i was just glad he had a chance to meet my mom & some of my friends. i had a really good feeling about the church...which is strange because i don't really like churches these days. well, it's good to know i have a place where i won't feel weird to go sundays when i stay over in glenview at my mom's and can't make it down to hyde park.
sunday evening my mom made me do a birthday thing w/ some family & folks from church. i wasn't really in the celebratory mood because i didn't want to do anything without my dad, but i let my mom (& my friend chris pak who hosted) do this for me. it was actually quite lovely. and i got some great gifts--a lot of which was associated w/ either photography or music. i totally got a bunch of stuff i was going to be needing to go to cornerstone in july, and my brother even got me a MONOPOD. i've been wanting and needing one of these for my concert photography!! i was pretty ecstatic. now i have to figure out how the hell to use it.
today, my family went to visit my dad's gravesite. i didn't really want to go. i understand the symbolism and everything, but i can't help thinking that my dad's not there--i just don't see him hanging out at the cemetary, ya know? but i guess we need a place to go to remember him. i do look for him though in other places. when i'm driving around, doing a photo shoot, when i go to church, even when i'm doing my concerts cuz i figure by now jesus might have told him what i'm up to. i really wonder what he's doing these days. i can't even imagine what goes on up there. i miss him a lot, and i wonder if he's capable of missing me if heaven's supposed to have no pain or sorrow--does missing someone count? i feel so desperate sometimes for my dad...and with things w/ bruce the way they are, i sometimes feel like tossed out chewed up gum on the sidewalk.
well, off to a bbq...
soundtrack of late--
the truth about us--tim easton
yankee hotel foxtrot*--wilco
being there disc 1 & 2--wilco
wrecking ball--emmylou harris
till we have faces--over the rhine
life of david--michael knott
s/t--claire holley
silent planet records beat compilation--various artists
pastemusic.com sampler #?--various artists
blinding bright--stickman jones
faith & devotions of a satellite heart--the violet burning
see...--the ocean blue
*i just realized these are the international phonetics initials for YHF (used in aviation & general radio communications). that's what my email address is by the way (sierrajuliettromeo), my international phonetics initials (SJR). and wilco is standard radioese for "will comply." hmm..one of those guys must be into aviation or something. hey, josh, are you reading this?
my mom just turned on the stickman jones cd AGAIN...ok, now she's just asking for it. i'm getting out of the house NOW before all the sad songs come on. that reminds me, i gotta recharge my battery...
it's saturday afternoon, the day before my 30th birthday...i am missing my dad a lot...i'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring emotionally. maybe i'll just get it all over with today when i won't be seeing anyone...i don't want to turn 30 without my dad around. i don't want to celebrate anything without my dad around. i am feeling empty and lost all over again, but i won't cry because i just did my makeup and it's bad enough doing it once i won't do it again so i'll hold back the tears and let all my emotions accumulate into a lump in my throat and an anvil in my heart no i won't cry.
if i'm like this for just my birthday, i don't know what i'm going to do on father's day...i think i'll just get drunk that saturday night and stay drunk all of sunday. or i could do one of my 48 hours w/ no sleep just prior to it and sleep all that sunday. but if i were to stay sober and awake, i wonder what would go through my mind. i think i'll want to be alone; i know my mom will want me near on that day, but i don't have any comfort to give. even today, i found my mom quietly sobbing as she listened to stickman jones's blinding bright cd. stupid me, i forgot about all those songs on there that can be potential arrows for someone who's just lost the love of her life. when i saw her crying, i turned around and went back upstairs and holed myself up in one of the bedrooms waiting for her to stop. i've been up here for quite a while now. i feel bad that i can't offer my own mother the comfort she needs. i have no excuse except that i just can't for some reason. i know i talked to rand about this before, about loving my mom without my dad around...everything is hard without my dad...
tonight i will go and see mark eitzel and take some photos. tomorrow morning i will be at tim's church. tomorrow evening i will put on a happy face and smile and eat cake.
soundtrack so far:
audio lessonover?--delirious
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
bringing it all back home--bob dylan
retrospective disc 1--red house painters
in a fading breath--the mcclurg family singers
blinding bright--stickman jones
if i'm like this for just my birthday, i don't know what i'm going to do on father's day...i think i'll just get drunk that saturday night and stay drunk all of sunday. or i could do one of my 48 hours w/ no sleep just prior to it and sleep all that sunday. but if i were to stay sober and awake, i wonder what would go through my mind. i think i'll want to be alone; i know my mom will want me near on that day, but i don't have any comfort to give. even today, i found my mom quietly sobbing as she listened to stickman jones's blinding bright cd. stupid me, i forgot about all those songs on there that can be potential arrows for someone who's just lost the love of her life. when i saw her crying, i turned around and went back upstairs and holed myself up in one of the bedrooms waiting for her to stop. i've been up here for quite a while now. i feel bad that i can't offer my own mother the comfort she needs. i have no excuse except that i just can't for some reason. i know i talked to rand about this before, about loving my mom without my dad around...everything is hard without my dad...
tonight i will go and see mark eitzel and take some photos. tomorrow morning i will be at tim's church. tomorrow evening i will put on a happy face and smile and eat cake.
soundtrack so far:
audio lessonover?--delirious
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
bringing it all back home--bob dylan
retrospective disc 1--red house painters
in a fading breath--the mcclurg family singers
blinding bright--stickman jones
going to see spiderman @ loews woodfield!!! FINALLY.
nothing much happened today except that i woke up and some other stuff. work, melon, more work, drive, wildwood, drive, art store, home, now off to woodfield for a 10pm show!
my wildwood boss tim passed the dallas willard test today. what a relief...
introduced my mom to lost dogs & claire holley today. tomorrow i will unleash the eb&theuhq on her.
today's soundtrack--
amelia's boot--erik brandt & urban hillbilly quartet
blue--joni mitchell
after the gold rush--neil young
mercury--american music club
faith & devotions--the violet burning
waters ave s.--damien jurado
some mix--q magazine
summershine--VoL
life of david--michael knott
ask me tomorrow--mojave 3
nothing much happened today except that i woke up and some other stuff. work, melon, more work, drive, wildwood, drive, art store, home, now off to woodfield for a 10pm show!
my wildwood boss tim passed the dallas willard test today. what a relief...
introduced my mom to lost dogs & claire holley today. tomorrow i will unleash the eb&theuhq on her.
today's soundtrack--
amelia's boot--erik brandt & urban hillbilly quartet
blue--joni mitchell
after the gold rush--neil young
mercury--american music club
faith & devotions--the violet burning
waters ave s.--damien jurado
some mix--q magazine
summershine--VoL
life of david--michael knott
ask me tomorrow--mojave 3
i just got home from working at wildwood. no, really, i actually did some work this time instead of just hanging out w/ the boys. i put together a MAILING today. yipee! now i feel like i'm earning my french fries and cucumber rolls. (tim feeds me well) i have to admit that i really wanted to watch the veggie tales w/ the boys...i love that singing cucumber doing that poor tomato song...but tim cracked the whip and i was in front of the computer for at least 18% of the evening. actually, tim's really nice. he lets me use the bathroom and everything. i just can't drink while on the computer.
so today is the 24th anniversary of the day that my 40 year old dad took his family by the hand and flew us from seoul to tokyo to honolulu to chicago. that day in the airport would be the last time we would be in korea together as a family. i wonder what was going through my dad's head as a 40 year old husband and father of two young children crossing the ocean to a land he'd never been to where he had no job prospects and the people spoke a strange and foreign language that was all tongue twisters to the native korean speaker. he left behind a hard-earned career as a respected investigative newspaper reporter, and my mom left behind all those whom she loved and cared about. i was just excited to be getting on a plane going anywhere. being a few days shy of six, i knew as long as my dad was going with, i didn't have anything to worry about.
it's been an interesting road for our family since that day in 1978. i think about my dad even more now that he's not here anymore, and wonder what a difficult time that must have been for him, to bear such a heavy responsibility as the head of the household. i'm glad he took the risk though, because let me tell you, typing in korean is not as easy as typing in english, and i would've had to learn all those chinese characters that the grownups use.
well, i'm running back to the apartment to be reunited w/ some cds that i'm really really missing (joni mitchell's blue, neil young's after the gold rush, all my ocean blue, american music club & red house painters, neil halstead, mojave 3, etc etc etc.) i actually need my secure id so i can work from my mom's house tomorrow (the job that pays bills).
soundtrack for today--
half-mast (pre-release)--steve thorngate
faith and devotions of a satellite heart--the violet burning
words for loss for words--beki hemingway
real men cry--lost dogs
glass top ships--jacobstone
from here--antara & delilah
so today is the 24th anniversary of the day that my 40 year old dad took his family by the hand and flew us from seoul to tokyo to honolulu to chicago. that day in the airport would be the last time we would be in korea together as a family. i wonder what was going through my dad's head as a 40 year old husband and father of two young children crossing the ocean to a land he'd never been to where he had no job prospects and the people spoke a strange and foreign language that was all tongue twisters to the native korean speaker. he left behind a hard-earned career as a respected investigative newspaper reporter, and my mom left behind all those whom she loved and cared about. i was just excited to be getting on a plane going anywhere. being a few days shy of six, i knew as long as my dad was going with, i didn't have anything to worry about.
it's been an interesting road for our family since that day in 1978. i think about my dad even more now that he's not here anymore, and wonder what a difficult time that must have been for him, to bear such a heavy responsibility as the head of the household. i'm glad he took the risk though, because let me tell you, typing in korean is not as easy as typing in english, and i would've had to learn all those chinese characters that the grownups use.
well, i'm running back to the apartment to be reunited w/ some cds that i'm really really missing (joni mitchell's blue, neil young's after the gold rush, all my ocean blue, american music club & red house painters, neil halstead, mojave 3, etc etc etc.) i actually need my secure id so i can work from my mom's house tomorrow (the job that pays bills).
soundtrack for today--
half-mast (pre-release)--steve thorngate
faith and devotions of a satellite heart--the violet burning
words for loss for words--beki hemingway
real men cry--lost dogs
glass top ships--jacobstone
from here--antara & delilah
alright. there's some weird stuff going on here...i'm in the process of upgrading my webservice, which means a new url & some other stuff. so that means things may load more slowly and some things may not load at all. and then i'm using my dad's computer that's got a korean windows o.s. and it pops in korean characters every now and then even when i'm trying to type in english. so that's the story in case things feel a little weird around here. my initial reaction is to fix it ALL right NOW. but i won't. so there.
this was written yesterday and i forgot i had it in my notebook:
it's tuesday afternoon. i'm at a little park across the street from tim’s house because he's MIA...he probably didn't expect me this early. i don't mind though cuz it's sunny and warm (relatively speaking) and i love just sitting at a picnic table soaking in the sun with nothing in particular to do. what a perfect scenario for a nap. which i desperately need.
you know, if i closed my eyes and used a bit of self-deception, i could almost imagine that i was in california. i mean, the sun's pretty warm right now...and the sound of tires speeding over asphalt—it's almost like the sound of the ocean roaring, no?
oh...i just saw a picture...gotta grab my camera [editor's note--"the picture" i saw is the one up at the top of this post]...
ok. i'm back. and on the swings. i LOVE swings. swings are good.
so for some strange reason, denison witmer's song "you got me good" keeps running through my head. it's not exactly my favorite denison song, so i have to wonder. i think it might have to do w/ stuff going on w/ bruce & me. i'm not going to explain the song, but the chorus goes something like "you got me good/ it's understood/how you got me good." i know i may be the one leaving and all, but i think in the end, i'll be just as hurt and wounded as he is by this whole ordeal. nevertheless, i still want bruce to be hapy & find himself a nice christian woman like he wants. i really feel like i let him down because i seemed like that nice innocent christian girl when he first met me, but little did he realize what a terror i could be. and even i had no idea that i wasn't a nice innocent christian girl like everyone thought i was. ok, i had my doubts, but you gotta understand, i REALLY thought i was, but it turns out i'm not. honestly, i don't have much desire to be nice, and i'm still shying away from actually calling myself a christian, even though i probably am. i'll admit to being "part of the fold" as tim told me. i guess i'm the sheep that keeps chasing the butterfly and wandering around and getting lost. i still have issues to work through regarding christianity as a "religion" in the organized sense, and the church in general, esp. the mainstream evangelicals. they really drive me up the wall (most, not all).
anyways, so in all sincerity, (no, really, i am being sincere) i hope bruce fares better without me (i.e., and with someone else).
ok. fast forward to right now. after writing that blog yesterday afternoon, rand (my pastor) called me at my mom's house later that night, and we talked for a long time about what's going on w/ bruce and what i'm going to do. i told rand i don't really want to wait any longer to start the legal proceedings, but he thought i might be under too much emotional stress from my dad's death to be making that kind of a decision right now. even though i don't think i'll change my mind w/ the passage of time, because it's rand and i know he has a lot of wisdom, i'm going to wait. at least a little longer than i'd planned. i've already waited 2 months longer than i'd originally planned for the divorce. but i can wait some more. it's not like i'm wanting to be free to start dating or anything. i actually told rand that i've been so disillusioned by this whole marriage experience that i can't imagine being in a relationship again. in some sense, i'm scared to death of that type of a relationship. yeah, i'm broken i guess. for the first time in my life, i'm alone. but also for the first time in my life i truly feel like i'm for real, not a fake knock-off of some cookie-cutter christian girl wannabe. i really want to be ME, even if it's kind of a mess right now. i've said this before, but i'll say it again, and i'll keep saying it—except for my dad dying, i have been genuinely HAPPY, JOYFUL ever since i moved out on my own. i've learned a lot about myself, and i really like how god created me to be. i'm still finding out what that is, of course, but i'm not like discovering truths about myself and then despairing at what i'm finding. and working w/ tim and having the benefit and total blessing of his presence in my life esp. now when i'm missing my dad so much is a miracle love bomb from god himself—i have no doubt in my mind about that.
so this morning before going to work, i feel like listening to damien jurado's song sarah. so i put it on, sing along & dance around, and it turns out my mom likes damien jurado. then i put on ticklepenny corner and she likes them too. i find that amusing. she never listens to anything besides vineyard worship cds, but i've been playing a variety of stuff around the house lately, everything from claire holley to the 77s to the violet burning to simon joyner to the 6parts7, so i think her ears are opening up to other realms of musical possibilities. wouldn't it be funny if my mom turns into this indie folk-rock chick? ha ha ha! i think my dad would find that funny. by the way, that picture is of my office in case you're curious as to where i spend my days in pursuit of paying bills.
soundtrack for past few days:
blinding bright--stickman jones
waters ave s.--damien jurado
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
life of david--michael knott
chambers and volumes--jacobstone
3...6...9...seconds of light--belle & sebastian
ask me tomorrow--mojave 3
figure 8--elliott smith
your favorite music--clem snide
real men cry--lost dogs
s/t--claire holley
all i can think about at the moment is getting me some painkillers...my head feels like it's in a vice...my coworkers are getting worried about me as i have been banging my head against the wall in hopes of relief from this curse called the Migraine. god help me...i'm out of drugs...the pain stretches from my right temple all the way down the back of my head, down the back of my neck do my right shoulder. it's only a span of less than a foot but it feels like a galaxy of pain to me. i have so much to do...
so to elaborate on point 1 of my comment from 3:40am today ("back up your files!!!!!"), my personal laptop crashed thursday night without any warning. i was actually in the middle of typing out my blog entry when it just inexplicably turned itself off. i took that as a sign to go to bed and didn't think too much of it. i tried booting up the machine, and started getting these weird messages about windows having to shut down to protect the computer. i'm thinking, dude, there's nobody trying to do anything to you, and what good are you if you don't boot up cuz how the hell am i gonna access my files? i get a little more worried because i've never gotten these messages before (i have windows xp home edition, if this means anything to you. i recommend highly AGAINST xp home.). i am thinking about the thought i had recently that i should really burn all my photos onto cd roms instead of taking up all that hard-drive space. (i have several thousand photos probably by now, and they're ALL on my laptop.) what an idiot i have been! no backups for all that work! not to mention that the photos i took in the month of april are closely associated with my dad because he was in the back or front of my mind on all my photo shoots that month. i start to panic but go to sleep hoping the computer will wake up from its nightmare cured by some miracle. well, no such luck, and i am told by dell tech support that to recover my data, i will have to hire a professional data recovery service (which often charge by the megabyte--i have 22 gigs used on my harddrive), and by saturday afternoon, a full 36 hours after this ordeal first began, i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i had managed to burn cds in 80MB increments in between crashes, until the repair i try to do to windows totally shuts down the machine until all i can get is a black screen with a white horizontal stripe down at the bottom. pushed to a point of desperation, i do what mike mickan the i.t. guru used to do when i worked in the evanston vineyard church office. i layed hands on my laptop and prayed. i told god i wasn't going to make any deals like 'if you fix my computer, i promise to____________.' i don't do that any more, but i just told him i was desperate and that if he needed references to go talk to my dad. i ran the repair one more time and left the darn thing alone for like two hours. when i came back and turned on the machine, i almost had a heart attack because it booted right to windows. i immediately got to work and burned the remainder of my photos on cd-roms. i know all you skeptics out there think it's just a coincidence, but let me tell you, i deal initimately w/ computers, and i've dealt intimately with many a crappy computer, so i KNOW how these things go, and i have no doubt in my mind that god in his infinite mercy was giving me a chance to back up my files because i told him i'd totally lose my mind if i couldn't get my photos back. the computer basically kept working until sometime this morning, after i had pretty much backed up everything i needed to. so now dell can send me a new hard drive like they offered--i don't mind anymore.
point number 2 ("i love uncommon ground!!!") refers to friday nite when i was too stressed to go do the promise ring show considering it was practically sold out and was going to be at the empty bottle, which had given me some grief photowise for the bright eyes/the good life/mayday concert. so instead i went out w/ my cousin kris & connie for dinner and then coffee & dessert @ uncommon ground on grace & clark. there was some acoustic music going on, like on most nights, and we hung out and enjoyed the music of gabriel reed and aj fink (of jacobstone) while sipping our respective beverages and sharing a slice of raspberry cheesecake. it was a real stress buster, which i totally needed to get my mind off my toasted laptop. i actually really enjoy acoustic music. for some reason gabriel's voice reminded me of a younger version of loudon wainwright but i could have just been out of my mind so i wouldn't believe a word i say. aj did remind me of eef barzelay though (clem snide) but in a totally anti-clemsnidish kind of way, which i don't know what i mean by that. maybe it's cuz clem snide wear suits when they perform? whatever.
ok. points 3-7 refer to the 6 parts 7-swearing at motorists-764hero concert i went to at schuba's on saturday night. now getting there was an ordeal in and of itself. in my craziness w/ my laptop that day, i'd totally forgotten to prepare my self. an hour and a half before the show was going to start, i found that i had a half-full battery in the camera and the other fully-charged battery was nowhere in sight. knowing my trigger happy tendencies w/ my camera, i frantically ransacked my apartment looking for that elusive 1"X2"X0.5" hunk of camera power juice while i tried to power up the remaining battery the best i could. i finally resigned myself to being a more selective and disciplined photographer for the evening, but knew i was doomed...so i drive off for schubas, and at armitage & ashland, i happen to reach into my armrest/compartment and there gleaming in the streetlight is my missing battery. something finally goes right! then i get parking like 1.5 blocks away from schubas. cool. then i'm the first one in line and and get first dibbs on my territory for the night. i am well settled in by the time the 6 parts 7 get on stage, and i go on to shoot a most enjoyable evening. to be continued...
so to elaborate on point 1 of my comment from 3:40am today ("back up your files!!!!!"), my personal laptop crashed thursday night without any warning. i was actually in the middle of typing out my blog entry when it just inexplicably turned itself off. i took that as a sign to go to bed and didn't think too much of it. i tried booting up the machine, and started getting these weird messages about windows having to shut down to protect the computer. i'm thinking, dude, there's nobody trying to do anything to you, and what good are you if you don't boot up cuz how the hell am i gonna access my files? i get a little more worried because i've never gotten these messages before (i have windows xp home edition, if this means anything to you. i recommend highly AGAINST xp home.). i am thinking about the thought i had recently that i should really burn all my photos onto cd roms instead of taking up all that hard-drive space. (i have several thousand photos probably by now, and they're ALL on my laptop.) what an idiot i have been! no backups for all that work! not to mention that the photos i took in the month of april are closely associated with my dad because he was in the back or front of my mind on all my photo shoots that month. i start to panic but go to sleep hoping the computer will wake up from its nightmare cured by some miracle. well, no such luck, and i am told by dell tech support that to recover my data, i will have to hire a professional data recovery service (which often charge by the megabyte--i have 22 gigs used on my harddrive), and by saturday afternoon, a full 36 hours after this ordeal first began, i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i had managed to burn cds in 80MB increments in between crashes, until the repair i try to do to windows totally shuts down the machine until all i can get is a black screen with a white horizontal stripe down at the bottom. pushed to a point of desperation, i do what mike mickan the i.t. guru used to do when i worked in the evanston vineyard church office. i layed hands on my laptop and prayed. i told god i wasn't going to make any deals like 'if you fix my computer, i promise to____________.' i don't do that any more, but i just told him i was desperate and that if he needed references to go talk to my dad. i ran the repair one more time and left the darn thing alone for like two hours. when i came back and turned on the machine, i almost had a heart attack because it booted right to windows. i immediately got to work and burned the remainder of my photos on cd-roms. i know all you skeptics out there think it's just a coincidence, but let me tell you, i deal initimately w/ computers, and i've dealt intimately with many a crappy computer, so i KNOW how these things go, and i have no doubt in my mind that god in his infinite mercy was giving me a chance to back up my files because i told him i'd totally lose my mind if i couldn't get my photos back. the computer basically kept working until sometime this morning, after i had pretty much backed up everything i needed to. so now dell can send me a new hard drive like they offered--i don't mind anymore.
point number 2 ("i love uncommon ground!!!") refers to friday nite when i was too stressed to go do the promise ring show considering it was practically sold out and was going to be at the empty bottle, which had given me some grief photowise for the bright eyes/the good life/mayday concert. so instead i went out w/ my cousin kris & connie for dinner and then coffee & dessert @ uncommon ground on grace & clark. there was some acoustic music going on, like on most nights, and we hung out and enjoyed the music of gabriel reed and aj fink (of jacobstone) while sipping our respective beverages and sharing a slice of raspberry cheesecake. it was a real stress buster, which i totally needed to get my mind off my toasted laptop. i actually really enjoy acoustic music. for some reason gabriel's voice reminded me of a younger version of loudon wainwright but i could have just been out of my mind so i wouldn't believe a word i say. aj did remind me of eef barzelay though (clem snide) but in a totally anti-clemsnidish kind of way, which i don't know what i mean by that. maybe it's cuz clem snide wear suits when they perform? whatever. ok. points 3-7 refer to the 6 parts 7-swearing at motorists-764hero concert i went to at schuba's on saturday night. now getting there was an ordeal in and of itself. in my craziness w/ my laptop that day, i'd totally forgotten to prepare my self. an hour and a half before the show was going to start, i found that i had a half-full battery in the camera and the other fully-charged battery was nowhere in sight. knowing my trigger happy tendencies w/ my camera, i frantically ransacked my apartment looking for that elusive 1"X2"X0.5" hunk of camera power juice while i tried to power up the remaining battery the best i could. i finally resigned myself to being a more selective and disciplined photographer for the evening, but knew i was doomed...so i drive off for schubas, and at armitage & ashland, i happen to reach into my armrest/compartment and there gleaming in the streetlight is my missing battery. something finally goes right! then i get parking like 1.5 blocks away from schubas. cool. then i'm the first one in line and and get first dibbs on my territory for the night. i am well settled in by the time the 6 parts 7 get on stage, and i go on to shoot a most enjoyable evening. to be continued...
i know, i know...it’s been a million years since i last blogged, but you would not believe the hell that i’ve gone through these past several days so give me a break, eh? it’s like really really late (or early depending on how you look at it) and i really have to sleep, so here are a few parting comments which i will elaborate on when i’m functionally awake enough and have the time. 1) back up your files!!!!!! 2) i love uncommon ground!! 3) i love schubas (especially taking photos of live music there)!! 4) the six parts seven make me want to run and dance and spin barefoot through a field of wildflowers and then fall to the ground flat on my back and look up at the blue blue sky and the puffy white clouds floating by until the vertigo wears off...5) swearing at motorists (at least the dave doughman half) ROCKS!! dave is literally a one-man show. 6) 764-hero are LOUD!!! and cool ! 7) wear earplugs if you’re going to stand way in front for a 764-hero show! 8) if you set your alarm to a cd and you really REALLY intend to get up (on time) in the morning or whenever you set your alarm for, put in 764-hero or swearing @ motorists and NOT the six parts seven; if getting up to the alarm is optional, then definitely put in the 6/7 and play it as you peacefully drift off to sleep. 9) my “boss?tim white of wildwood is the COOLEST!!! 10) i miss my dad...
and here's what i've been listening to these past few days, at least what i remember--
self-titled -- stuart davis (i love this cd more & more each time i listen to it)
mermaid ave ii -- billy bragg & wilco
real men cry -- lost dogs (i absolutely LOVE singing along to this one, much to my brother's lament i'm sure)
self-titled -- claire holley
self-titled -- the trouble with sweeney
silence magnifies sound -- the 6 parts 7 (these guys are totally awesome! and they're such nice boys too.)
things shaped in passing -- the 6 parts 7
words for loss for words -- beki hemingway
i break chairs -- damien jurado
a golden field of radioactive crows -- the 77's
blue plate special -- rick altizer
it's been a gorgeous couple of days here in the windy city. yesterday was a tad chilly, but the sunshine dancing in and out of the mountain ranges and lakes and oceans of clouds was still enough to put me in the photo snapping mood. i think that downtown chicago along the river on a partly cloudy afternoon like yesterday is just absolutely spectacular and overwhelming from a visual stand point. that golden light of still not-yet-summer late afternoon shimmering on the surface of the river that is framed by massive steel bridges of various colors surrounded by gargantuan glass structures reflecting a million distorted moods, and the people swarming in all directions in the afterwork rush towards bars, workouts, lovers, families, solitude, and other symptoms of a meaningful life--it is all so beautiful, it is all so sad, it is all so ridiculous. and it is all great captured on a compact flash card.
the reason i was downtown yesterday was that i had to pick up my friend jane who had club level seats to the white sox-texas rangers game. this was my first time going to comiskey and i was excited, not because it was baseball, not because it's the white sox, and definitely not because it was the texas rangers, but just because it was something i've never done before. i have to say that i was pretty impressed w/ comiskey. i think i spent more time wandering the stadium than i did watching the game. 
and the sunset was just absolutely gorgeous. i think i would go to games just to be able to look at the sunset, the downtown skyline after dark, and the wacky reflections on the mirrored windows of comiskey. i didn't think i'd take so many pictures there but i literally maxed out the compact flash card i'd brought and had to start deleting stuff off of it.
i have to say that having club level seats makes a world of difference compared to the only other times i've been to baseball games at wrigley field. the hallway outside these sections were frickin?carpeted, and the bathrooms were CLEAN. when i go to a baseball field, plush carpet under my feet and clean bathrooms are NOT what i'm thinking about or expecting. it was an interesting experience i suppose. oh, the sox won, but i couldn't tell you the score.
today was another gorgeous gorgeous day and i drove w/ my windows rolled down blasting the VoL as i made my way to rural illinois to chat w/ tim white of wildwood agency whom i’m interning for because i have nothing better to do with my life. actually, this is exactly what i’d been hoping for, never dreaming it would really happen, that someone in the music business would take me under their wings and teach me the ropes. true, this is not a paying gig in the monetary sense of the word, and i’m not quitting my day job, but i just know i’m going to love being a part of what tim’s doing and what he’s going to be doing in the future w/ wildwood. fyi, if you want to know more about wildwood, you can go to their website by clicking here. go read their vision statement, and you’ll understand why this place is a good fit for me. not only that, tim is totally fun to hang out with and knows exactly how to affirm and encourage me. i don’t have to put up any fluff around who i really am with him. he’s like the physical embodiment of god’s love for me and further evidence that god really does want me to be happy, even if i may not know exactly what “happy" looks or feels like. needless to say, “grateful" is an understatement for how i feel about this opportunity.
today’s soundtrack:
mermaid avenue—billy bragg & wilco
summershine—vigilantes of love
rave unto the joy fantastic--prince
amelia’s boot—erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
luxuria—stickman jones
self-titled—claire holley
a golden field of radioactive crows—the 77’s
real men cry—lost dogs
alrighty folks as of today the archive pages are officially working, good riddance. from now on, you will only see the last 10 posts on this page. you'll have to go to the archives for older posts. click on that little past posts link up there to see posts that are not on this page. now that i'm not forcing you to download a zillion bytes of data for the blogger page, it should open up a lot quicker. that's like the big news of the day.
i had stuff i wanted to post earlier but i forgot because i didn't write it down. i swear, my brain is like a sieve for the kitchen of a giant (i.e., the holes are really big). oh well. so goes life. next time i won't say to myself, "oh, i'll remember this. i don't need to write it down." actually, to be totally honest, i probably will say that a whole bunch more times. i'm sure i've had at least a couple million dollar ideas escape through one of those holes in my brain in my lifetime.
html coding has fried my brain sunnyside up and so i'm gonna quit for tonight.
today's soundtrack:
misc denison witmer songs
dear life - the trouble with sweeney
i had stuff i wanted to post earlier but i forgot because i didn't write it down. i swear, my brain is like a sieve for the kitchen of a giant (i.e., the holes are really big). oh well. so goes life. next time i won't say to myself, "oh, i'll remember this. i don't need to write it down." actually, to be totally honest, i probably will say that a whole bunch more times. i'm sure i've had at least a couple million dollar ideas escape through one of those holes in my brain in my lifetime.
html coding has fried my brain sunnyside up and so i'm gonna quit for tonight.
today's soundtrack:
misc denison witmer songs
dear life - the trouble with sweeney
tonight i’m at my mom’s house...it feels weird to just call it my mom’s house... would it be strange if i kept calling it my parents’ house? i think that’s what i’ll do. it’ll feel less empty to think of this as still my dad’s house too. i brought a suitcase of extra clothes just so i’ll have some here when i need it if i decide to stay overnight every now and then. i inherited my dad’s drawer space & closet space. i felt numb as i removed his clothing to make room for mine, and i knew that even if i couldn’t feel it, i was walking around with an open wound that was leaving a silent trail of blood. it reminded me of the time my freshman year of high school when i accidentally sliced my finger open and there was blood everywhere but i couldn’t feel the cut and wondered why in the world my english book and the carpet around me were splattered with fresh red blood and whose it might be, not realizing that my left index finger had a cut that would require 5 stitches. you know, i think a part of me is still in denial about the whole thing. i feel like my dad’s simply gone on a trip and that he’ll be back one of these days. the idea about him being dead still really confuses the hell out of me.
someone gave my mom a video of my dad’s funeral, and we watched it at my uncle’s house tonight w/ my mom’s brother who was visiting this weekend from korea and my cousin sherline who had missed the service. even as i watched the service and heard for the first time what i’d actually said during the time of remembrance, i was numb. i don’t know when this ice is going to thaw and the emotions are going to surface at which time i’ll have to learn to swim through it all. honestly, i’m not looking forward to it. maybe i’ll get through this life without having to ever feel it. i’d probably have to live a really short life for that to be true, but who knows. it’s not like i can control this stuff. or can i?
today was my 2nd sunday at church at the hyde park vineyard. i ran into jesh & jessie suk on my way in. it was nice to see them again. i’ve known them since they were in jr. high, and i remember when they first started dating back in their early teenage years. to see them all grown up and married and doing well—it made me feel kind of, uhm, aged. but it was nice to have a couple familiar faces, and they don’t come any nicer than jesh & jessie.
regarding this whole return to church thing, i was telling my pastor rand (it feels weird to have a pastor...but if i’m gonna have one it might as well be rand) in an email the other day that even though i’m sticking my feet back in church, that i didn’t plan on deliberate behavioral modifications. in fact, i told him that i will deliberately NOT make changes in behavior, because in the past when i did that i ended up looking okay on the outside to myself and other people, when inside i wasn’t actually being sincere about what i was doing and my heart never changed. so this time, i want any changes to take place from the inside out, and to be honest, i’m not going to be making a special effort to change. all i’m going to do is to have an open heart and open mind and give god the flashing yellow to proceed slowly. i’m still really scared about this whole church thing. i know some people would say, “well how can you put conditions like that on god? if you’re really going to let him be god, shouldn’t you just let him do as he wishes?” yeah, well, like whatever. if god doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want. and i’m going to do the same. that’s where i am and i won’t pretend otherwise. i’m not at the total surrender “ok, god, do whatever you want however you want” stage. it’s not like i’m trying to boss god around—i’m just being honest about what i feel comfortable with. i think he can provide reasonable accommodation for that. if he can’t, well, like i’ve been saying, i’ll be moseyin’ right along then.
in the meantime, here’s an article i found about u2 and their faith. it’s food for thought and a challenge to the church that would try to put believers in boxes made of christian walls and borders. and god is in the box, yes, but he is infinitely bigger than the box that he's oozing everywhere else outside the realm of that finite space delineated by many in the church at large, whether protestant, catholic or orthodox. i believe that many (not all, but many) in the christian world, try to limit god to that christian box, and it's a lovely jewel studded box, but god wasn't made for boxes and neither were we. at least i don't think i was. i mean, if someone wants to stay within the nice safe boundaries of a box, fine. that's their choice, but don't be grabbing god and other people by the collar and stuffing them in boxes that are way too small and symmetrical for them.
today’s soundtrack:
fevers and mirrors – bright eyes
self-titled – stuart davis
words for loss for words – beki hemingway
faith and devotions of a satellite heart – the violet burning
the green fury – matt pond PA
blogging soundtrack:
ask me tomorrow (cd) – mojave 3
someone gave my mom a video of my dad’s funeral, and we watched it at my uncle’s house tonight w/ my mom’s brother who was visiting this weekend from korea and my cousin sherline who had missed the service. even as i watched the service and heard for the first time what i’d actually said during the time of remembrance, i was numb. i don’t know when this ice is going to thaw and the emotions are going to surface at which time i’ll have to learn to swim through it all. honestly, i’m not looking forward to it. maybe i’ll get through this life without having to ever feel it. i’d probably have to live a really short life for that to be true, but who knows. it’s not like i can control this stuff. or can i?
today was my 2nd sunday at church at the hyde park vineyard. i ran into jesh & jessie suk on my way in. it was nice to see them again. i’ve known them since they were in jr. high, and i remember when they first started dating back in their early teenage years. to see them all grown up and married and doing well—it made me feel kind of, uhm, aged. but it was nice to have a couple familiar faces, and they don’t come any nicer than jesh & jessie.
regarding this whole return to church thing, i was telling my pastor rand (it feels weird to have a pastor...but if i’m gonna have one it might as well be rand) in an email the other day that even though i’m sticking my feet back in church, that i didn’t plan on deliberate behavioral modifications. in fact, i told him that i will deliberately NOT make changes in behavior, because in the past when i did that i ended up looking okay on the outside to myself and other people, when inside i wasn’t actually being sincere about what i was doing and my heart never changed. so this time, i want any changes to take place from the inside out, and to be honest, i’m not going to be making a special effort to change. all i’m going to do is to have an open heart and open mind and give god the flashing yellow to proceed slowly. i’m still really scared about this whole church thing. i know some people would say, “well how can you put conditions like that on god? if you’re really going to let him be god, shouldn’t you just let him do as he wishes?” yeah, well, like whatever. if god doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want. and i’m going to do the same. that’s where i am and i won’t pretend otherwise. i’m not at the total surrender “ok, god, do whatever you want however you want” stage. it’s not like i’m trying to boss god around—i’m just being honest about what i feel comfortable with. i think he can provide reasonable accommodation for that. if he can’t, well, like i’ve been saying, i’ll be moseyin’ right along then.
in the meantime, here’s an article i found about u2 and their faith. it’s food for thought and a challenge to the church that would try to put believers in boxes made of christian walls and borders. and god is in the box, yes, but he is infinitely bigger than the box that he's oozing everywhere else outside the realm of that finite space delineated by many in the church at large, whether protestant, catholic or orthodox. i believe that many (not all, but many) in the christian world, try to limit god to that christian box, and it's a lovely jewel studded box, but god wasn't made for boxes and neither were we. at least i don't think i was. i mean, if someone wants to stay within the nice safe boundaries of a box, fine. that's their choice, but don't be grabbing god and other people by the collar and stuffing them in boxes that are way too small and symmetrical for them.
today’s soundtrack:
fevers and mirrors – bright eyes
self-titled – stuart davis
words for loss for words – beki hemingway
faith and devotions of a satellite heart – the violet burning
the green fury – matt pond PA
blogging soundtrack:
ask me tomorrow (cd) – mojave 3
alright. it's really sunday 5.12.2002 around 2am but i'm posting this as a 5.11 post just because...
well, yesterday was friday and i went back to work for the first time. it was weird...you don't want to look people in the eye because you feel awkward for their awkwardness at not knowing what to say because there really is nothing for them to say because your father just died and what do you say to that? i managed to get through the day with my door closed and having to talk to only 3 people or so. i mainly only went through my email (my mailbox had maxed out while i was gone) and voicemail (i forgot to change my outgoing message so i had 24 new messages--could've been worse).
today was the rainiest saturday in recent chicago history. it rained and rained and rained and then it rained some more then it thundered and lightninged and then it rained and then it drizzled. i sat in on a breakfast meeting between my "boss" tim white (of wildwood agency) and michael cameron of uncommon ground and basically listened in fascination as they talked music business. hopefully i'll actually have something to contribute as tim's new intern. i mean, all i know is i love music and i love photography and i love indie artists. hopefully, that'll count for something. tim is really a great guy--he knows just how to make a person feel comfortable and he's been a great source of encouragement to me these past couple of weeks. i know that working with him will probably be one of those milestones in my life when i learn yet again that there's more to me than meets even my own eye.
i went to the mayday/good life/bright eyes concert at the empty bottle. it was my first time shooting at this venue, and i have to say it was the most difficult show i've done so far. the lighting was so dim that i had a really hard time getting anything to come out. besides the difficulty shooting pictures, though, the music was awesome! the entire concert was more of a collective of musician friends playing together than 3 separate bands. i really really really like conor oberst's (bright eyes) songwriting. his lyrics are the type of poetry i love, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat, the kind that sheds light on a part of your soul that you hadn't seen before, the kind that gives you a high where you can actually feel yourself floating almost out of your body through your attic roof into the big big night sky where you dance among the stars in slow motion. it was a sweet treat to be able to hear him live.
today's soundtrack:
self-titled - stuart davis
words for loss for words - beki hemingway
pigeon's throat - al rose
self-titled ep - the trouble with sweeney
blogging soundtrack:
old blood - mayday
well, yesterday was friday and i went back to work for the first time. it was weird...you don't want to look people in the eye because you feel awkward for their awkwardness at not knowing what to say because there really is nothing for them to say because your father just died and what do you say to that? i managed to get through the day with my door closed and having to talk to only 3 people or so. i mainly only went through my email (my mailbox had maxed out while i was gone) and voicemail (i forgot to change my outgoing message so i had 24 new messages--could've been worse).
today was the rainiest saturday in recent chicago history. it rained and rained and rained and then it rained some more then it thundered and lightninged and then it rained and then it drizzled. i sat in on a breakfast meeting between my "boss" tim white (of wildwood agency) and michael cameron of uncommon ground and basically listened in fascination as they talked music business. hopefully i'll actually have something to contribute as tim's new intern. i mean, all i know is i love music and i love photography and i love indie artists. hopefully, that'll count for something. tim is really a great guy--he knows just how to make a person feel comfortable and he's been a great source of encouragement to me these past couple of weeks. i know that working with him will probably be one of those milestones in my life when i learn yet again that there's more to me than meets even my own eye.
i went to the mayday/good life/bright eyes concert at the empty bottle. it was my first time shooting at this venue, and i have to say it was the most difficult show i've done so far. the lighting was so dim that i had a really hard time getting anything to come out. besides the difficulty shooting pictures, though, the music was awesome! the entire concert was more of a collective of musician friends playing together than 3 separate bands. i really really really like conor oberst's (bright eyes) songwriting. his lyrics are the type of poetry i love, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat, the kind that sheds light on a part of your soul that you hadn't seen before, the kind that gives you a high where you can actually feel yourself floating almost out of your body through your attic roof into the big big night sky where you dance among the stars in slow motion. it was a sweet treat to be able to hear him live.
today's soundtrack:
self-titled - stuart davis
words for loss for words - beki hemingway
pigeon's throat - al rose
self-titled ep - the trouble with sweeney
blogging soundtrack:
old blood - mayday
i have not had the energy to blog lately...i think i can excuse myself though considering the circumstances. it has been a crazy week. exactly a week ago, i was in my dad’s hospital room quietly blogging next to his bed as he slept. little did i know that a few hours later, i would not be able to get him to open his eyes or talk. i still don’t know how i managed to let my father’s life slip through my fingers, but i guess his life was not mine to hold onto in the first place.
the wake was monday and the funeral tuesday. i was overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and grief by so many people. although i was pretty numb through those services, i was nevertheless touched by the genuine expressions of sympathy that so many offered to me and my family. it was nice to have my extended family around as well. many of them came in from out of town, driving long distances. there was at least one representative from each of my dad’s siblings?families present for the funeral. even though we would all have preferred to be getting together under happier circumstances, we were still glad to have the opportunity to spend time together as one big family.
at the lunch after the funeral, i had a long talk with a friend who lost the woman he loved to cancer last summer. we talked about how important journaling was to processing the myriad of emotions and thoughts that you experience when you go through such a profound loss. we also talked about my recent spiritual wanderings and how god somehow worked it out so that i didn’t fall into the abyss, and he told me of his own experiences in finding god for himself, and we discussed our desires to express faith in a personally creative way that may not look exactly like what most people’s expressions may look like. he also brought up the same quote that our family pastor steve nicholson had said to me weeks ago that had impacted me, that “god doesn’t have any grandchildren.? it was encouraging to realize that so much of what i’m going through is not something i’m going through alone, that other people have similar hurts, questions, doubts and hopes.
after visiting my dad’s burial site, i spent some time with my brother jim and our cousins yesterday afternoon at my apartment. this picture was taken on our way to cafe de luca around the corner from me. this window is where i like taking pictures with my friends whenever we’re on our way to something in the neighborhood. looks like i need to take some windex with me next time. anyways, from left to right, that’s my cousin ike from austin, tx, my brother jim, me, my cousin inho (a.k.a. dan) from san diego and his sister and my usual partner in crime kris. since we each only have one sibling, we’ve kind of been extended siblings to each other over the years. i really love them like my brothers and sisters, not just cousins, even though i don’t get to see the out of towners as much anymore. it’s times like this you learn to appreciate the family that you do have. i know my uncles have been invaluable as they stepped up to take care of all the details regarding the funeral and burial.
i am still so numb...i hardly cried at the wake and not at all at the funeral or burial. it was hard because so many people were being openly weepy, and i couldn’t connect to the sorrow that i knew was inside me. maybe it’s a defense mechanism to get through things like wakes and funerals, and it’ll hit me later on. i really feel that there are parts of me that will never be whole again, not in this life. i’ve been consoling myself by carrying a piece of my dad around with me in whatever way i can, whether by wearing his thermals w/ my t-shirts or wearing his wedding band which fits perfectly on my middle finger. i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can still relate to my dad even though he’s not here any more. i just can’t imagine not having him in my life still. so i’ve decided that if my dad is w/ jesus, then i could tell jesus to tell my dad some stuff just so i make sure he gets my message, and then i’ll ask jesus if my dad has anything to say to me. i don’t know how i could communicate w/ him directly—i don’t know how all that works. i admit i have no idea what i’m talking about and that i’m just fishing for whatever way may keep me in contact with my dad. i just want to do whatever to make sure i can still relate to him, even if it’s to a small degree. i can’t not have him in my life. it feels too empty and i feel too lost at such a thought.
today i was somewhat sick. i don’t know if i have a cold or what. it’s quite possible because my brother’s been sick, and i spent a good portion of the past month in a hospital, and i’ve been around a million people shaking hands, hugging, etc. who knows what germs i exchanged w/ whom. i am going to go to work tomorrow for a little bit. just for a change of scenery i guess. i asked my boss to remove the picture of my dad that i had next to my monitor before i got to work because i was afraid i’d break down at work, and i don’t want to do that. hopefully, i’ll be in and out, get what i need done, and leave before i run into a lot of people.
i got an email from my pastor friend rand that someone in his congregation passed away the morning of my dad’s funeral from cancer and that he’d be participating in yet another funeral on saturday. i feel so bad for him because i know he cares so much for people, and to lose two people he cared for and loved in the span of several days—it just seems so harsh. i know i wouldn’t have had the guts to go back to church and consider reconnecting to god if it weren’t for rand’s encouragement, prayer and friendship right now. i know that even though he’s the pastor, he still needs comfort and encouragement too when things like this happen. we all do.
today’s soundtrack:
bunch of songs by american music club: (blue & grey shirt, firefly, jenny, last harbor, laughingstock, pale skinny girl, somewhere, western sky, big night, clouds, this year, chanel number 5, crabwalk) and a bunch of songs by pedro the lion (bad diary days, big trucks, of minor prophets..., of up and coming monarchs, promise, secret of the easy yoke, suspect fled the scene, the bells, the longer i lay here, the longest winter, the well, be thou my vision, criticism as inspiration, diamond ring, i am always the one who calls, invention, letter from a concerned follower) misc mp3s: anyway, (this is not) goodbye, and latter days (over the rhine); deliver my letter (post office); birds & ships (natalie merchant & billy bragg); bread & the water song (clem snide); 405 and pictures in an exhibition (death cab for cutie); yesterday, tomorrow (denison witmer); everybody cares, everybody understands (elliott smith); troubled mind & 25th december (everything but the girl); a case of you (joni mitchell); winning a battle, losing the war (kings of convenience); pictures & prayer for the paranoid & sarah (mojave3), fly (nick drake), brown eyes (red house painters); when will the sun rise again and i wrote a song about the ocean (simon joyner); goodnight lover (songs: ohia).
the wake was monday and the funeral tuesday. i was overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and grief by so many people. although i was pretty numb through those services, i was nevertheless touched by the genuine expressions of sympathy that so many offered to me and my family. it was nice to have my extended family around as well. many of them came in from out of town, driving long distances. there was at least one representative from each of my dad’s siblings?families present for the funeral. even though we would all have preferred to be getting together under happier circumstances, we were still glad to have the opportunity to spend time together as one big family.
at the lunch after the funeral, i had a long talk with a friend who lost the woman he loved to cancer last summer. we talked about how important journaling was to processing the myriad of emotions and thoughts that you experience when you go through such a profound loss. we also talked about my recent spiritual wanderings and how god somehow worked it out so that i didn’t fall into the abyss, and he told me of his own experiences in finding god for himself, and we discussed our desires to express faith in a personally creative way that may not look exactly like what most people’s expressions may look like. he also brought up the same quote that our family pastor steve nicholson had said to me weeks ago that had impacted me, that “god doesn’t have any grandchildren.? it was encouraging to realize that so much of what i’m going through is not something i’m going through alone, that other people have similar hurts, questions, doubts and hopes.
after visiting my dad’s burial site, i spent some time with my brother jim and our cousins yesterday afternoon at my apartment. this picture was taken on our way to cafe de luca around the corner from me. this window is where i like taking pictures with my friends whenever we’re on our way to something in the neighborhood. looks like i need to take some windex with me next time. anyways, from left to right, that’s my cousin ike from austin, tx, my brother jim, me, my cousin inho (a.k.a. dan) from san diego and his sister and my usual partner in crime kris. since we each only have one sibling, we’ve kind of been extended siblings to each other over the years. i really love them like my brothers and sisters, not just cousins, even though i don’t get to see the out of towners as much anymore. it’s times like this you learn to appreciate the family that you do have. i know my uncles have been invaluable as they stepped up to take care of all the details regarding the funeral and burial.
i am still so numb...i hardly cried at the wake and not at all at the funeral or burial. it was hard because so many people were being openly weepy, and i couldn’t connect to the sorrow that i knew was inside me. maybe it’s a defense mechanism to get through things like wakes and funerals, and it’ll hit me later on. i really feel that there are parts of me that will never be whole again, not in this life. i’ve been consoling myself by carrying a piece of my dad around with me in whatever way i can, whether by wearing his thermals w/ my t-shirts or wearing his wedding band which fits perfectly on my middle finger. i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can still relate to my dad even though he’s not here any more. i just can’t imagine not having him in my life still. so i’ve decided that if my dad is w/ jesus, then i could tell jesus to tell my dad some stuff just so i make sure he gets my message, and then i’ll ask jesus if my dad has anything to say to me. i don’t know how i could communicate w/ him directly—i don’t know how all that works. i admit i have no idea what i’m talking about and that i’m just fishing for whatever way may keep me in contact with my dad. i just want to do whatever to make sure i can still relate to him, even if it’s to a small degree. i can’t not have him in my life. it feels too empty and i feel too lost at such a thought.
today i was somewhat sick. i don’t know if i have a cold or what. it’s quite possible because my brother’s been sick, and i spent a good portion of the past month in a hospital, and i’ve been around a million people shaking hands, hugging, etc. who knows what germs i exchanged w/ whom. i am going to go to work tomorrow for a little bit. just for a change of scenery i guess. i asked my boss to remove the picture of my dad that i had next to my monitor before i got to work because i was afraid i’d break down at work, and i don’t want to do that. hopefully, i’ll be in and out, get what i need done, and leave before i run into a lot of people.
i got an email from my pastor friend rand that someone in his congregation passed away the morning of my dad’s funeral from cancer and that he’d be participating in yet another funeral on saturday. i feel so bad for him because i know he cares so much for people, and to lose two people he cared for and loved in the span of several days—it just seems so harsh. i know i wouldn’t have had the guts to go back to church and consider reconnecting to god if it weren’t for rand’s encouragement, prayer and friendship right now. i know that even though he’s the pastor, he still needs comfort and encouragement too when things like this happen. we all do.
today’s soundtrack:
bunch of songs by american music club: (blue & grey shirt, firefly, jenny, last harbor, laughingstock, pale skinny girl, somewhere, western sky, big night, clouds, this year, chanel number 5, crabwalk) and a bunch of songs by pedro the lion (bad diary days, big trucks, of minor prophets..., of up and coming monarchs, promise, secret of the easy yoke, suspect fled the scene, the bells, the longer i lay here, the longest winter, the well, be thou my vision, criticism as inspiration, diamond ring, i am always the one who calls, invention, letter from a concerned follower) misc mp3s: anyway, (this is not) goodbye, and latter days (over the rhine); deliver my letter (post office); birds & ships (natalie merchant & billy bragg); bread & the water song (clem snide); 405 and pictures in an exhibition (death cab for cutie); yesterday, tomorrow (denison witmer); everybody cares, everybody understands (elliott smith); troubled mind & 25th december (everything but the girl); a case of you (joni mitchell); winning a battle, losing the war (kings of convenience); pictures & prayer for the paranoid & sarah (mojave3), fly (nick drake), brown eyes (red house painters); when will the sun rise again and i wrote a song about the ocean (simon joyner); goodnight lover (songs: ohia).
what do you do when stuff happens and they seem like coincidences but they're too weird to be coincidences and if they're not coincidences then what the hell is going on? that's sort of how i'm feeling about stuff happening to me these days. but here's what i've decided. there is a god. he knows me. he actually pays attention to what i'm up to and cares. he knows stuff i don't know. he can see the road ahead that is hidden to me. he wants me to be happy. so he puts things into play where he gives me enough clues so that i know it's him and not just "chance", and then gives me the choice to take hold of his hand and check out where he wants to take me, or to keep walking on my own. that is where i am now. things have happened that are too much to write in detail involving emails from a stranger in connecticut that land me in church the next day, trusting folks from my past, moving to bucktown when i work in lake forest, and the wishes of my father before he died.
i'll try to make this short...the night my dad died, as i was blogging, i got an email from a stranger named caleb. he was linked to my website by tim white, the fellow i "happened" to meet at the bill mallonee concert (the one i didn't want to go to cuz of the weather but went anyway) and who gently tugged me back into the "fold." tim posted the url to my webpage w/ the bill mallonee photos to the vigilantes of love grouplist, which caleb is a member of. caleb reads part of my blogger and recognizes names. turns out he's even been to and ate at my parents' house. caleb used to go to the hyde park vineyard, where my friend rand tucker happens to be the pastor, and where i tried to go last sunday but got lost. caleb also used to be in a band and likes bands i like and respect (translation being that caleb has instant stamp of approval by me). caleb encourages me to go to the HPV. i think about it and finally late sat. nite, i decide to go the next morning because caleb this almost total stranger sent me via email. so i go and i get lost again but find it this time. i feel weird stepping foot inside church after a six month hiatus. rand teaches on stuff very relevant to my life. rand shares the story of my father passing away and how my dad gave his entire life to the ministry he was called to. i am touched and do what i can to stay composed. people share stuff. one girl shares from a passage in the bible (2 corinthinas 4) that almost makes me lose it because it was exactly what i needed to hear to reassure me that i was not going to be totally irreparably crushed by my dad's death. after church is over i sit alone and a girl named jessy who is obviously very friendly comes over and talks and offers prayer. i decline knowing i will lose my composure if i accept. we talk. i go against my plan to not talk to anyone and end up spilling my guts to her. then i talk to rand & aimee (his wife) for a long time. i tell them i came to their church because it's where my dad wanted to go while he was alive, but it was too far for him. i tell them i thought maybe he'd be there and so that's why i came. i share the long story of how i ended up there even though as of yesterday evening at 8pm i was telling my cousin i wasn't going to church this week. we talk for a long time about how i'm doing, my mom, my brother, what god seems to be doing in my life, my fears, my hopes, my acknowldgments of god doing stuff in and around me. i see even more rand's heart of love for my family and my dad, and i am really touched.
i went to HPV this morning planning on just visiting to say hi to rand and hoping to run into jesh & jessie suk. i am afraid of being in church again. but i trust rand. hardly anybody knows me there. it's smaller than the evanston vcf. there are people there who know who pedro the lion and the vigilantes of love are (i admit this last one is a BIG plus). it's 20 minutes away. it's where my dad wanted to go to church (there's another BIG BIG plus). this is where i wanted to go to church back when i was still in the church but it was just way too far from where i was living at the time. and the weirdest thing of all is that right now this is where i want to go to church even though it feels like swallowing chewing tobacco to admit it. i so much do not want to admit that my heart feels like this is where i want to be. so i'm going to take little bitty steps for now. maybe it would help if i didn't call it church. what would i call it? i think i'll start off by calling it "where-my-dad-would-go-on-a-sunday-morning-if-he-were-alive-and-lived-in-bucktown." i think i can live with that. so next sunday, if i am fully recovered from the bright eyes/good life concert, i won't be going to church but "where-my-dad-would-go-on-a-sunday-morning-if-he-were-alive-and-lived-in-bucktown".
today is my first morning in a world without my father. it is a concept i don't yet understand. i'm broken as a girl can be, to borrow pedro's line. i'm going to need some major major work by the hole-fixin man.
i made the rather curious decision to listen to the violet burning's faith & devotions of a satellite heart cd last night around 1 am or something. those of you who know this cd, know i was setting myself up for becoming totally unhinged. last night, i have been to what i know to be the edge of sanity. i almost took a nosedive into the abyss, but somehow i didn't. something tells me that what i thought was the edge was still a good distance from the real edge, and that i will get closer and closer to the limits of my emotional endurance before this is all over. and yet i know that somehow i will get through this. even this.
although i'm thankful to have been there for my father's last breath, it is that very moment that is tearing me up inside now. i do not understand that single point in time in which the crossover is made from life to death. i understand life. i at least saw death. but that line that separates the two, i don't understand. for some reason, that moment in time that is so tiny that it almost doesn't exist is what is really buggin me now.
what becomes of a daddy's girl when she loses her father? will god be my father now? i've never seen much need for him as long as my dad was around. but that time has passed and now i am lost. i feel like my dad was the navigator in my car on my roadtrip called life, and he got out without telling me, but left me the map, and now i have to learn to read maps and drive at the same time and i don't know which way is north south east or west up or down.
can i put aside my grief to honor and celebrate the life of a no-name saint like my father? jimmy jae in r.--born 5/2/1938, married 9/28/1968, becomes father to my brother jim 10/11/1969, meets jesus 01/1972, becomes my dad 5/26/1972, immigrates to the u.s. 5/23/1978, follows jesus and basically loves and serves people until 5/3/2002. i am not exaggerating when i say that the lives he has touched are scattered across the globe, including thousands in north korea, the country to which he devoted a good portion of his latter life and where he wanted to spend the remainder of his life caring for the so many hungry, broken, needy people there. my father would dive headfirst into his adventures. he was a radical among korean pastors. he was not afraid to go against conformity to follow where his jesus was taking him. the roads he took were often bumpy and unpaved, and those close to him who were along for the ride had to suffer through some messy terrain. and even when he would take a wrong turn here or there, he always knew who he was supposed to be following, and he'd get back on that road somehow. he was passionate about everything he did and believed and loved. and he was a worshipper. he loved jesus so much, and i know that it was this love that ignited all his other passions in life. he has passed onto me a distate for blind conformity and i am the free spirit that i am today because of his influence.
he crossed generational gaps in ways that i've seen only on rare occassions, especially in korean culture, where those boundaries between the young and old are so meticulously upheld. he loved children, and they naturally loved him because he allowed them to be children, even in church, and they knew they'd always find open arms if they ran to my dad. he loved the youth and saw the potential in them when their parents only saw rebellion and strange hair and baggy pants and bad study habits and weird music. he loved the young adults and mentored and was a father to many of them and respected them to the point that the pastor he chose as his area small group leader was a pastor who was just my brother's age. he loved the older adults, too, and always had hope for those whose lives seemed to be decades of mess and mistakes believing that it was never too late to find joy and peace. he loved the elderly, and respected the many often forgotten korean grandmas who at the end of their lives in a foreign country have nothing left but their faith to hold onto.
it was my father who suggested to my brother that he check out the vineyard for a church, and that decision changed the course of our family's history. it was really during his decade in the vineyard that my father became the dad and husband and pastor he was at the end of his life. this is where he learned to welcome the holy spirit and to partner with the holy spirit and to follow the holy spirit. this is where our family was reconciled, me to my brother, my brother to my father, my father to my mother.
my father was an extraordinary man. and at the same time he was an ordinary man. his life was full of mistakes and failures, but he didn't harden his heart, and he didn't give up, and he held onto jesus' hand tightly. he knew that who he was and what he'd done was not by his own merit but by god's grace. i don't put my dad on a pedestal. i have seen with my own eyes his brokenness and his shortcomings and his allround humanness in every facet of his life. but i honor him now because i loved him and still love him, and because his life always gave me hope for mine, that if he could live such a passionate life, that maybe i wasn't too messed up to experience that same passion in my own life. it's true that i don't know god the way my father did, and i still haven't worked out the whole faith thing. all i know is that there is something within me that has protected me from becoming bitter and resentful as i watched the one my heart loves most suffer and fade away. in fact, somehow, watching my father die has softened parts of my heart that were as hard as marble, and i can sense a life within me that i don't understand but know is not made up in my head. is this the new heathen sarah? maybe i'll drop that heathen label from now on and just be sarah, whoever and wherever that may lead. and someday the hope i have is that it will lead me to the place where i'll be with my dad face to face, this time his face beaming again with that angelic smile and his voice able to express his love for me outloud and his arms strong and outstretched to embrace me, the daughter i know he loved so tenderly and unapologetically.
i made the rather curious decision to listen to the violet burning's faith & devotions of a satellite heart cd last night around 1 am or something. those of you who know this cd, know i was setting myself up for becoming totally unhinged. last night, i have been to what i know to be the edge of sanity. i almost took a nosedive into the abyss, but somehow i didn't. something tells me that what i thought was the edge was still a good distance from the real edge, and that i will get closer and closer to the limits of my emotional endurance before this is all over. and yet i know that somehow i will get through this. even this.
although i'm thankful to have been there for my father's last breath, it is that very moment that is tearing me up inside now. i do not understand that single point in time in which the crossover is made from life to death. i understand life. i at least saw death. but that line that separates the two, i don't understand. for some reason, that moment in time that is so tiny that it almost doesn't exist is what is really buggin me now.
what becomes of a daddy's girl when she loses her father? will god be my father now? i've never seen much need for him as long as my dad was around. but that time has passed and now i am lost. i feel like my dad was the navigator in my car on my roadtrip called life, and he got out without telling me, but left me the map, and now i have to learn to read maps and drive at the same time and i don't know which way is north south east or west up or down.
can i put aside my grief to honor and celebrate the life of a no-name saint like my father? jimmy jae in r.--born 5/2/1938, married 9/28/1968, becomes father to my brother jim 10/11/1969, meets jesus 01/1972, becomes my dad 5/26/1972, immigrates to the u.s. 5/23/1978, follows jesus and basically loves and serves people until 5/3/2002. i am not exaggerating when i say that the lives he has touched are scattered across the globe, including thousands in north korea, the country to which he devoted a good portion of his latter life and where he wanted to spend the remainder of his life caring for the so many hungry, broken, needy people there. my father would dive headfirst into his adventures. he was a radical among korean pastors. he was not afraid to go against conformity to follow where his jesus was taking him. the roads he took were often bumpy and unpaved, and those close to him who were along for the ride had to suffer through some messy terrain. and even when he would take a wrong turn here or there, he always knew who he was supposed to be following, and he'd get back on that road somehow. he was passionate about everything he did and believed and loved. and he was a worshipper. he loved jesus so much, and i know that it was this love that ignited all his other passions in life. he has passed onto me a distate for blind conformity and i am the free spirit that i am today because of his influence.
he crossed generational gaps in ways that i've seen only on rare occassions, especially in korean culture, where those boundaries between the young and old are so meticulously upheld. he loved children, and they naturally loved him because he allowed them to be children, even in church, and they knew they'd always find open arms if they ran to my dad. he loved the youth and saw the potential in them when their parents only saw rebellion and strange hair and baggy pants and bad study habits and weird music. he loved the young adults and mentored and was a father to many of them and respected them to the point that the pastor he chose as his area small group leader was a pastor who was just my brother's age. he loved the older adults, too, and always had hope for those whose lives seemed to be decades of mess and mistakes believing that it was never too late to find joy and peace. he loved the elderly, and respected the many often forgotten korean grandmas who at the end of their lives in a foreign country have nothing left but their faith to hold onto.
it was my father who suggested to my brother that he check out the vineyard for a church, and that decision changed the course of our family's history. it was really during his decade in the vineyard that my father became the dad and husband and pastor he was at the end of his life. this is where he learned to welcome the holy spirit and to partner with the holy spirit and to follow the holy spirit. this is where our family was reconciled, me to my brother, my brother to my father, my father to my mother.
my father was an extraordinary man. and at the same time he was an ordinary man. his life was full of mistakes and failures, but he didn't harden his heart, and he didn't give up, and he held onto jesus' hand tightly. he knew that who he was and what he'd done was not by his own merit but by god's grace. i don't put my dad on a pedestal. i have seen with my own eyes his brokenness and his shortcomings and his allround humanness in every facet of his life. but i honor him now because i loved him and still love him, and because his life always gave me hope for mine, that if he could live such a passionate life, that maybe i wasn't too messed up to experience that same passion in my own life. it's true that i don't know god the way my father did, and i still haven't worked out the whole faith thing. all i know is that there is something within me that has protected me from becoming bitter and resentful as i watched the one my heart loves most suffer and fade away. in fact, somehow, watching my father die has softened parts of my heart that were as hard as marble, and i can sense a life within me that i don't understand but know is not made up in my head. is this the new heathen sarah? maybe i'll drop that heathen label from now on and just be sarah, whoever and wherever that may lead. and someday the hope i have is that it will lead me to the place where i'll be with my dad face to face, this time his face beaming again with that angelic smile and his voice able to express his love for me outloud and his arms strong and outstretched to embrace me, the daughter i know he loved so tenderly and unapologetically.
warning--the following post describes an event that some people may find disturbing because it involves death and love intermingled. don't say i didn't warn you.
my dad passed away this evening.
i had spent thursday night w/ him in the hospital, and when i tried to wake him in the morning, he wouldn't open his eyes and his breathing was extremely difficult. i felt right away that his time to go was near, and my heart sank. i tried calling my mom, no answer, my mom's cell phone, no answer, our family pastor, busy. i was scared witless as i saw my dad struggling for each breath. the nurse finally got a hold of my dad's doctor, who got a hold of my mom, and i got a hold of our pastor's wife who gave me a number to call my pastor at.
but for a good hour or so, i was alone with my dad, and i begged him to hold on, mom was on her way. i've never been around a person on their last leg of life before, and what i experienced today is that the lines between the natural and supernatural worlds seem to get fuzzy. somehow, even though my dad could not say anything beyond grunts as he gasped for each breath, i could feel what was in his heart clearly. and the love...the love...my father loved me so much...i saw his eyes fill with tears as he saw me sobbing over him, i saw the pain he felt at leaving me and my family.
all day, our extended family gathered as well as close friends. various pastors came to comfort our family, including my dad's personal pastor steve nicholson and his wife cindy, john willison who wrote some of my dad's favorite worship songs, dave frederick of the oak park vineyard, and rand tucker & his wife aimee of the hyde park vineyard. having rand and john come meant especially a lot to me because they have both been my pastors to some degree in the past. john also brought his guitar and we sang my redeemer lives and anything you ask, two songs he'd written that were among my dad's favorites. i have to say i'm so grateful to steve & cindy for their love and care for my family during this time. i never realized how compassionate steve was until this whole ordeal with my dad.
they say that your sense of hearing is the last to go, and even when a dying person seems unconscious, they can hear what we're saying. so all day, we spoke what was on our hearts to my dad as we caressed his hands, his face, his hair. i will never forget the time i spent today gently stroking my dad's face as i looked into his eyes and told him over and over again how much i loved him. i think my brother finally got to say everything he'd been wanting to say his whole life. and my mother...she will never finish expressing what is in her heart for the man she has been through hell and high water with for 34 years.
he struggled for every breath for another 11 hours until the doctor finally came and turned off his oxygen. everybody then gathered around and they sang hymns and prayed as my brother, mother & i sobbed. it was agonizing hearing him die, as he gasped for the air in his lungs that were cut off by the mass of cancer cells. somehow, i kept my face in front of his face, stroking his cheek and did not let my eyes let go of his eyes as i told him again and again that i loved him, and that it was time for him to rest now, until a few minutes later he gave up his last breath.
i don't know at what point my father went from looking into my eyes to looking into the eyes of jesus, but i know at that moment, he was free from the body that had been so ravaged by pain and suffering for the past 7 months. he was finally free. he is free now. he has entered into his rest, after devoting the last 30 years of his life to running after jesus and serving and loving other people. and he left me, his daughter, with the full assurance of a father's steadfast and unconditional love. never in my entire life have i doubted whether my father loved me. all my life, my mom told me that i was my father's joy of life, and i never doubted it. and at the same time, i watched my father's devoted love for god & god's people & broken people & hurting people & lonely people. i watched him be a father to so many who never knew what a father's love was like. i watched him love and cherish those who were forgotten or overlooked, whether they were single moms or widows and their children or the mentally ill. i know of countless hours spent on his knees in a little closet in my parents' house.
my father's life was far from picture perfect. he knew first hand the meaning of the dark night of the soul and was familiar with spiritual lethargy and depression. he knew first hand the pain and disappointment of pouring his entire life into a church only to see it seemingly die as his own body became too ravaged with disease for him to continue pastoring. he knew first hand what it means to sow with tears knowing that he would not see the fruit of his labor with his own eyes in this lifetime. he did not always behave like a loving man. but he had a humble heart and freely admitted his shortcomings.
i am so proud to have been my father's daughter. i am forever changed by the love that he showed me, not just his own love for me, but also god's love even when i didn't believe it was real. on april 4th, i posted that as i was driving, i felt a small voice saying that through my father's process of dying, i would find salvation. it seems that the voice was right. somehow, in the midst of the pain of losing my father, i found myself surrounded by a grace and love and comfort that i can't explain. even when i ran far away from god, apparently it wasn't far enough, and he still held me in his arms so that when i finally collapsed, i was safe. even now, as thoroughly broken and devasted as i am, i know that i will be made whole on the other side of this life. that is not to say that i am okay. i am far from being okay. i was a crumpled writhing mess of tears and hair and snot and fists and "why?"s and "daddy!"s on the floor a few minutes ago. i am unfamiliar with grief as close to the heart as this. i miss my dad so much. reality is biting a huge chunk out of my heart, and so the blood flows. i wasn't made for losing people i love, i can see that clearly now.
i just don't understand death. it's not natural. how in a single moment one passes from being a living being to being a dead one is beyond me. i don't understand how at one moment i was looking into the eyes of my dad, and the next it was a hollow mass of cells. i watched death take over my dad's body rapidly, and for a long time, i was perplexed and troubled because i could not find my father. so i asked steve (our pastor) if my dad was with jesus at that moment, and steve assured me that he was. it was a relief to me, and a comfort, because at least for that moment, i could imagine my dad painfree in the arms of his loving saviour, and took comfort in that image. but i was still sad for myself, because now i can't see his face light up with that angelic smile of his, and i can't feel his gentle loving understanding touch, and i can't hear the delight in his voice as he calls my name. i feel like i've been robbed of my most prized possession.
months ago, when i told my dad i was leaving the church and a whole bunch of other stuff, he told me he knew i'd be okay and that he wasn't worried about me. and now, i have to believe that what he said was true, even though i don't see how i could ever be okay again. i am crushed to smithereens but somehow i have to believe that the pieces will be mended back together again in time.
the wake is monday night 6-8pm @ colonial funeral home in niles and the funeral the following morning at 10am at the same place. i don't really feel like going, but i guess i'll be there any way.
musicwise, i'm too tired to say, but it involved damien jurado, denison witmer, the ocean blue, everything but the girl, and nick drake.
my dad passed away this evening.
i had spent thursday night w/ him in the hospital, and when i tried to wake him in the morning, he wouldn't open his eyes and his breathing was extremely difficult. i felt right away that his time to go was near, and my heart sank. i tried calling my mom, no answer, my mom's cell phone, no answer, our family pastor, busy. i was scared witless as i saw my dad struggling for each breath. the nurse finally got a hold of my dad's doctor, who got a hold of my mom, and i got a hold of our pastor's wife who gave me a number to call my pastor at.
but for a good hour or so, i was alone with my dad, and i begged him to hold on, mom was on her way. i've never been around a person on their last leg of life before, and what i experienced today is that the lines between the natural and supernatural worlds seem to get fuzzy. somehow, even though my dad could not say anything beyond grunts as he gasped for each breath, i could feel what was in his heart clearly. and the love...the love...my father loved me so much...i saw his eyes fill with tears as he saw me sobbing over him, i saw the pain he felt at leaving me and my family.
all day, our extended family gathered as well as close friends. various pastors came to comfort our family, including my dad's personal pastor steve nicholson and his wife cindy, john willison who wrote some of my dad's favorite worship songs, dave frederick of the oak park vineyard, and rand tucker & his wife aimee of the hyde park vineyard. having rand and john come meant especially a lot to me because they have both been my pastors to some degree in the past. john also brought his guitar and we sang my redeemer lives and anything you ask, two songs he'd written that were among my dad's favorites. i have to say i'm so grateful to steve & cindy for their love and care for my family during this time. i never realized how compassionate steve was until this whole ordeal with my dad.
they say that your sense of hearing is the last to go, and even when a dying person seems unconscious, they can hear what we're saying. so all day, we spoke what was on our hearts to my dad as we caressed his hands, his face, his hair. i will never forget the time i spent today gently stroking my dad's face as i looked into his eyes and told him over and over again how much i loved him. i think my brother finally got to say everything he'd been wanting to say his whole life. and my mother...she will never finish expressing what is in her heart for the man she has been through hell and high water with for 34 years.
he struggled for every breath for another 11 hours until the doctor finally came and turned off his oxygen. everybody then gathered around and they sang hymns and prayed as my brother, mother & i sobbed. it was agonizing hearing him die, as he gasped for the air in his lungs that were cut off by the mass of cancer cells. somehow, i kept my face in front of his face, stroking his cheek and did not let my eyes let go of his eyes as i told him again and again that i loved him, and that it was time for him to rest now, until a few minutes later he gave up his last breath.
i don't know at what point my father went from looking into my eyes to looking into the eyes of jesus, but i know at that moment, he was free from the body that had been so ravaged by pain and suffering for the past 7 months. he was finally free. he is free now. he has entered into his rest, after devoting the last 30 years of his life to running after jesus and serving and loving other people. and he left me, his daughter, with the full assurance of a father's steadfast and unconditional love. never in my entire life have i doubted whether my father loved me. all my life, my mom told me that i was my father's joy of life, and i never doubted it. and at the same time, i watched my father's devoted love for god & god's people & broken people & hurting people & lonely people. i watched him be a father to so many who never knew what a father's love was like. i watched him love and cherish those who were forgotten or overlooked, whether they were single moms or widows and their children or the mentally ill. i know of countless hours spent on his knees in a little closet in my parents' house.
my father's life was far from picture perfect. he knew first hand the meaning of the dark night of the soul and was familiar with spiritual lethargy and depression. he knew first hand the pain and disappointment of pouring his entire life into a church only to see it seemingly die as his own body became too ravaged with disease for him to continue pastoring. he knew first hand what it means to sow with tears knowing that he would not see the fruit of his labor with his own eyes in this lifetime. he did not always behave like a loving man. but he had a humble heart and freely admitted his shortcomings.
i am so proud to have been my father's daughter. i am forever changed by the love that he showed me, not just his own love for me, but also god's love even when i didn't believe it was real. on april 4th, i posted that as i was driving, i felt a small voice saying that through my father's process of dying, i would find salvation. it seems that the voice was right. somehow, in the midst of the pain of losing my father, i found myself surrounded by a grace and love and comfort that i can't explain. even when i ran far away from god, apparently it wasn't far enough, and he still held me in his arms so that when i finally collapsed, i was safe. even now, as thoroughly broken and devasted as i am, i know that i will be made whole on the other side of this life. that is not to say that i am okay. i am far from being okay. i was a crumpled writhing mess of tears and hair and snot and fists and "why?"s and "daddy!"s on the floor a few minutes ago. i am unfamiliar with grief as close to the heart as this. i miss my dad so much. reality is biting a huge chunk out of my heart, and so the blood flows. i wasn't made for losing people i love, i can see that clearly now.
i just don't understand death. it's not natural. how in a single moment one passes from being a living being to being a dead one is beyond me. i don't understand how at one moment i was looking into the eyes of my dad, and the next it was a hollow mass of cells. i watched death take over my dad's body rapidly, and for a long time, i was perplexed and troubled because i could not find my father. so i asked steve (our pastor) if my dad was with jesus at that moment, and steve assured me that he was. it was a relief to me, and a comfort, because at least for that moment, i could imagine my dad painfree in the arms of his loving saviour, and took comfort in that image. but i was still sad for myself, because now i can't see his face light up with that angelic smile of his, and i can't feel his gentle loving understanding touch, and i can't hear the delight in his voice as he calls my name. i feel like i've been robbed of my most prized possession.
months ago, when i told my dad i was leaving the church and a whole bunch of other stuff, he told me he knew i'd be okay and that he wasn't worried about me. and now, i have to believe that what he said was true, even though i don't see how i could ever be okay again. i am crushed to smithereens but somehow i have to believe that the pieces will be mended back together again in time.
the wake is monday night 6-8pm @ colonial funeral home in niles and the funeral the following morning at 10am at the same place. i don't really feel like going, but i guess i'll be there any way.
musicwise, i'm too tired to say, but it involved damien jurado, denison witmer, the ocean blue, everything but the girl, and nick drake.
today was my dad's birthday. he has lived to be 64. it seems such an incomplete age to be ending on. we had brought cake to the hospital for him to share w/ the nurses, but we couldn't get him to stay awake, so we decided to just give it to the nurses to eat amongst themselves. the nurses however didn't give up and later in the afternoon came into his room with a tiny cake and a birthday balloon. he stayed up long enough to hear them sing happy birthday, but then was right back asleep again.i am in the hospital watching over my dad as he sleeps. he has become even weaker than he was yesterday. he can hardly stay awake, and the pain is more frequent and more intense that his morphine dosage had to be increased. he is too weak to even push the button to self-administer the morphine, and someone has to push the button for him to receive a boost of the drug every now and then. it's really hard, because i can't stand to see my dad suffer, but the more morphine he's on, the less coherent and alert he is. as i see him go deeper and deeper into sleep, my heart sinks lower and lower, knowing that my time left with a coherent and conscious father is as fragile as the last leaves on a tree before the winter wind swoops down and steals them away.
tomorrow we will bring my dad home to glenview. i will be moving in with my folks for the time being. the doctors are worried about how we'll manage all the machines and iv's, but my concern is getting my father home where he belongs where my whole family can be with him all the time. i just don't want him to have to be in the hospital any more, when there's nothing they can do for him here.
i had the chance to take some pictures at the bridge on north ave where i wanted to last night but was confined to my car by the rain. today was a gorgeous day--just a tad chilly, maybe, but i didn't notice. i was so glad to actually have some time outdoors in the sunshine. now that april is over, i'm hoping that may will be a sunnier, warmer month. but i don't want to jump right into summer either, which chicago has a tendency to do. the change of seasons is always a shock to the system here in the windy city.today's soundtrack:
blue--joni mitchell
black out--the good life
songs for the new year--simon joyner
s/t--scientific