i FINALLY finished arranging the zapruder point photos, which you can go look at here.
and i learned that i'm an idiot when it comes to designing web pages (can't you tell?!)...all this time, i've been manually aligning stuff, and the web page builder program i use has a function that aligns stuff for you! like what a concept...
oh, i updated my photos page after about 3 months of not changing it at all. i'll try to add to that more regularly...
and i learned that i'm an idiot when it comes to designing web pages (can't you tell?!)...all this time, i've been manually aligning stuff, and the web page builder program i use has a function that aligns stuff for you! like what a concept...
oh, i updated my photos page after about 3 months of not changing it at all. i'll try to add to that more regularly...
my laptop has been resurrected from the dead! actually, it was in a coma for a month in the care of my personal network techie @ pca. i finally called dell sunday nite to see about getting a dell technician to my house. the phone tech had me go through stuff i'd gone through about a zillion times previously, and when she told me there was probably something wrong w/ my cdrw/dvd drive and that she'd send me a new one of those and we'd chat again, i almost lost it. i told her, why the hell did i purchase an in-home service warranty if dell was going to make ME do all the work? i told her there was nothing wrong w/ the cdrw drive, that what i needed was a new motherboard and new memory, that she was wasting her time and my time if she didn't believe me. she quickly changed her mind (wise choice) and told me a techie w/ a new motherboard & memory would be visiting my home soon. crimeny! like she should have said that in the first place.
anyways, this is the first blogger post made on my laptop in almost a month & a half. the motherboard transplant apparently has done it good. and i didn't have to reformat my hard drive, which is sweet because i didn't want to lose my files, even though i got my techie to image most of my files onto the company network so i could copy it to my work laptop.
for those of you who missed the drama last may 16th when my computer inexplicably decided to crash and burn (literally, i think the motherboard fried itself due to a faulty fan...i won't say how that fan managed to break...), i can't even tell you the panic i was in because i had not backed up one file, and ALL my photos from the previous 3 months were on here. like several thousand photos. at least a dozen bands i'd taken pictures of but had never posted....bands like 764-hero and swearing @ motorists and clem snide and guided by voices... i was pretty bummed to say the least.
so it's good to have my own computer back, but i think i still need to free up some space on the hard drive. i've only got 4 gigs free out of 30. all those photos , ya know. not to mention almost my entire cd collection is stored on here as well since my laptop is my jukebox.
recent listenings--
being there 1&2--wilco (someone told me he thinks this is a jambandish collection, but i don't get that...)
a.m. --wilco
read music/speak spanish--desaperecidos
fevers & mirrors--bright eyes
keep it like a secret--built to spill
poses--rufus wainwright
the photo album--death cab 4 cutie
get here and stay--764-hero
fetal position--bill mallonee
s/t-september 67
anyways, this is the first blogger post made on my laptop in almost a month & a half. the motherboard transplant apparently has done it good. and i didn't have to reformat my hard drive, which is sweet because i didn't want to lose my files, even though i got my techie to image most of my files onto the company network so i could copy it to my work laptop.
for those of you who missed the drama last may 16th when my computer inexplicably decided to crash and burn (literally, i think the motherboard fried itself due to a faulty fan...i won't say how that fan managed to break...), i can't even tell you the panic i was in because i had not backed up one file, and ALL my photos from the previous 3 months were on here. like several thousand photos. at least a dozen bands i'd taken pictures of but had never posted....bands like 764-hero and swearing @ motorists and clem snide and guided by voices... i was pretty bummed to say the least.
so it's good to have my own computer back, but i think i still need to free up some space on the hard drive. i've only got 4 gigs free out of 30. all those photos , ya know. not to mention almost my entire cd collection is stored on here as well since my laptop is my jukebox.
recent listenings--
being there 1&2--wilco (someone told me he thinks this is a jambandish collection, but i don't get that...)
a.m. --wilco
read music/speak spanish--desaperecidos
fevers & mirrors--bright eyes
keep it like a secret--built to spill
poses--rufus wainwright
the photo album--death cab 4 cutie
get here and stay--764-hero
fetal position--bill mallonee
s/t-september 67
i'm out on the deck in the back. it's 10pmish as i scribble in the darkness into my notebook. it's a barefoot sleeveless kind of night, and i'm staring up, waiting for the stars to come out of hiding. the nite air is comfortable, not too muggy, not at all cold. that's the great thing about summer nites in chicago. no matter how suffocatingly hot and hairspray despisingly muggy the day is, the night always returns sanity to the thermometer and it's lovely lovely lovely. actually, that's not really true always, but let's not ruin the moment here, shall we?
i am listening to my new built to spill cd keep it like a secret (thanks to my music guide john roberts for introducing me to them this weekend). this cd is a perfect background to an already lovely night.
man, i love the night. sometimes i think that the only time i can go to that place inside me where "i" really reside is when i'm alone in the dark under a night sky. the night just feels so much more forgiving sometimes than the day...it's like he understands all my weaknesses and doesn't pass judgment. and the night hands out the courage to do the things that would seem insane or unadviseable during the light of day yet perfect for the forgiving protective covering darkness of the night. skinny-dipping. dancing naked. crying silently. grinning sheepishly...not that I'VE ever done these things...oh no, not me....
i think even god is more real to me at nite. don't ask me why. i don't know. maybe it's cuz as this world dims to barely visible, the otherworldly becomes more apparent. during the day, there's a lot of distractions to the senses. at night, however, alone on a backporch--well, there's not much to stimulate the senses except the sky above me and the caverns of my own heart. and sometimes while i'm examining either, i happen to run into god...
today, i was thinking about something my dad used to tell me since i was a little girl as i was growing up in a society that looked to supermodels and movie stars for its definition of beauty. my dad told me that having inner beauty was far better than having outer beauty. i don't know how convinced i was at the time, but i think what he said took some kind of root in my heart because lately, i feel like i've come face to face w/ my own mortality and the brevity of this dance called life, and now i have the need to strip away the artificial society-built nutrasweet outfit and just be naked. raw. real. true. and i'm looking for that inner beauty my dad was talking about because it's becoming all too real to me that that's what counts in the long run.
as i drove to work today, i was thinking about what my dad had told me and then i wondered about what is meant by the word "beauty." it's different from something that's "pretty." when i think of the word "pretty", i think of something that is aesthetically pleasing to the senses. but beauty--beauty can be visually disturbing, aurally discordant and physically painful. beauty can be ugly, profane, melancholic, asymetric...i think that's the type of beauty i've been experiencing lately. now i can take the fucked up mess of my life & take a flying leap into the abyss of self-pity & self-loathing. or i can recognize the beauty in it all--the beauty of being able to FEEL, even if it's a lot of pain and confusion that i'm feeling these days. i can call this beautiful too. beauty gets all fucked up and covered in shit sometimes. and yet, i just know that someday, i'm gonna look back on these past few months and i won't want to trade them for something merely "pretty." even my dad dying...i was looking back through my april posts & early may stuff trying to find a passage from douglas coupland that i'd written down...i hadn't read the stuff i'd written in a while, and it all came back to me...what i'd gone through...and this may sound twisted or masochistic or whatever, but the last few weeks of my dad's life and the time immediately following, as i experienced death about as firsthand as you can without actually dying yourself, for some reason, i can't but help thinking that the whole experience was soaked in beauty, allbeit a painful, agonizing kind. it wasn't a "pretty" experience, hell, no, but, somehow, being there with my dad until that moment when he could no longer draw another breath...it was beautiful...
alright, i can no longer ignore these flying buzzing buggers sucking the blood out of me. must seek shelter.
p.s. tonight, i saw the first firefly of summer...
journaling soundtrack:
built to spill--keep it like a secret
saves the day--stay what you are
i am listening to my new built to spill cd keep it like a secret (thanks to my music guide john roberts for introducing me to them this weekend). this cd is a perfect background to an already lovely night.
man, i love the night. sometimes i think that the only time i can go to that place inside me where "i" really reside is when i'm alone in the dark under a night sky. the night just feels so much more forgiving sometimes than the day...it's like he understands all my weaknesses and doesn't pass judgment. and the night hands out the courage to do the things that would seem insane or unadviseable during the light of day yet perfect for the forgiving protective covering darkness of the night. skinny-dipping. dancing naked. crying silently. grinning sheepishly...not that I'VE ever done these things...oh no, not me....
i think even god is more real to me at nite. don't ask me why. i don't know. maybe it's cuz as this world dims to barely visible, the otherworldly becomes more apparent. during the day, there's a lot of distractions to the senses. at night, however, alone on a backporch--well, there's not much to stimulate the senses except the sky above me and the caverns of my own heart. and sometimes while i'm examining either, i happen to run into god...
today, i was thinking about something my dad used to tell me since i was a little girl as i was growing up in a society that looked to supermodels and movie stars for its definition of beauty. my dad told me that having inner beauty was far better than having outer beauty. i don't know how convinced i was at the time, but i think what he said took some kind of root in my heart because lately, i feel like i've come face to face w/ my own mortality and the brevity of this dance called life, and now i have the need to strip away the artificial society-built nutrasweet outfit and just be naked. raw. real. true. and i'm looking for that inner beauty my dad was talking about because it's becoming all too real to me that that's what counts in the long run.
as i drove to work today, i was thinking about what my dad had told me and then i wondered about what is meant by the word "beauty." it's different from something that's "pretty." when i think of the word "pretty", i think of something that is aesthetically pleasing to the senses. but beauty--beauty can be visually disturbing, aurally discordant and physically painful. beauty can be ugly, profane, melancholic, asymetric...i think that's the type of beauty i've been experiencing lately. now i can take the fucked up mess of my life & take a flying leap into the abyss of self-pity & self-loathing. or i can recognize the beauty in it all--the beauty of being able to FEEL, even if it's a lot of pain and confusion that i'm feeling these days. i can call this beautiful too. beauty gets all fucked up and covered in shit sometimes. and yet, i just know that someday, i'm gonna look back on these past few months and i won't want to trade them for something merely "pretty." even my dad dying...i was looking back through my april posts & early may stuff trying to find a passage from douglas coupland that i'd written down...i hadn't read the stuff i'd written in a while, and it all came back to me...what i'd gone through...and this may sound twisted or masochistic or whatever, but the last few weeks of my dad's life and the time immediately following, as i experienced death about as firsthand as you can without actually dying yourself, for some reason, i can't but help thinking that the whole experience was soaked in beauty, allbeit a painful, agonizing kind. it wasn't a "pretty" experience, hell, no, but, somehow, being there with my dad until that moment when he could no longer draw another breath...it was beautiful...
alright, i can no longer ignore these flying buzzing buggers sucking the blood out of me. must seek shelter.
p.s. tonight, i saw the first firefly of summer...
journaling soundtrack:
built to spill--keep it like a secret
saves the day--stay what you are
alright, so where were we...ok. it's been a busy several days, and it's only going to get busier...
well, let's see...the highlights from the past few earthly rotations...oh, yeah. mobfest acoustic showcase @ uncommon ground. my friend jane & i made it just in time as the hear diagonally showcase started. and the very first song i heard as i took my seat was my all-time favorite joni mitchell song "a case of you" covered by tommi zender (of trinkets of joy) on guitar and some blonde dude singing. tommi uses almost the same toe nail polish color as i do. he's got good taste.
after tommi and the blondie, i got to see eric z perform for my very first time. he has a rather interesting way of playing the guitar (or banjo)--he lays it flat on his lap. yeah, like in the photo--he's not just taking a break there; he's actually playing. i've actually played my guitar in a cello position (between the knees) so it wasn't all that strange to me. actually, eric's method is closer to the traditional eastern methods for playing a stringed instrument, i think. i really liked his songs, and he kept making these faces that reminded me of the faces my best friend josh makes when he's about to take advantage of my gullibility.
after eric, mike merz who came from minneapolis performed. he goes by the moniker sinner-songwriter and writes some of the most intelligent songs i've heard in a while. i found out he's played w/ my st.paul area faves erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet sometime in the past. he also drinks interesting looking beer that i've never heard of (that's his weird beer next to my sierra nevada).
the last act of the night was justin roberts, well-known for his kids' songs but who also has a grown-up album out too. i only got to stay for his first song so i could drive jane home so i guess i'll have to catch another one of his shows later. he's playing schuba's by the way sunday 6/30 at like 3 in the afternoon. it's a kid's show but should be great for adults as well. his music comes highly recommended, so if you're into recommendations and stuff like that and you're like a parent or a grownup who likes good songs, check him out.
i ran into mike cameron at uncommon ground, and he told me that katie todd & her band were playing the next day at a street fest at st. somethingoranother so i went to that sat. afternoon. i'd been wanting to see katie play for like over a month now so i'm glad mike told me about the show, esp. since i most likely will not make summerfest in milwaukee next saturday when she gets to play as the winner of the battle of the bands big break competition. i had a chance to talk to katie before the show, and she is SO sweet. 
she told me she went to high school at new trier in winnetka where she grew up, and i asked her when she graduated cuz i had friends who went there, and she's like "1996" and inside i just felt old. katie's got a very radio friendly sound, but it's not saccharine either. it's pure innocent pop, and the audience including the kids loved it. her upcoming album changing faces will be released w/ festivities @ martyr's on 7/27 w/ stuart davis playing as well. i think it'll be sold on cdbaby when it comes out if you miss the cd release party.
saturday nite was jenn & john's joint bday festivities. i think i was the only non-kenyon college/ohian or theatre/crossmediaservices colleague there. i did get to meet eric z & mike merz from the previous nite's mobfest performance, as well as a whole slew of interesting folks. i had brought my liquor collection which of courses included a bottle of midori. the girls really liked the midori sour which jenn concocted. that is one deadly drink because you can just keep drinking it and drinking it and drinking it and before you realize what you've done, you start turning the color of the drink itself (a rather greenish hue). another deadly element to the evening was jenn's cake, a mix of devil's food & angel food cakes & razberry liquer soaked something or another frosted w/ a thick layer of pure chocolate. i bet if jenn ever decided she wanted to go into science, she'd be a whiz in the chemistry lab because baking is all chemistry from what i hear. of course i wouldn't know as i seldom bake or do any type of cooking these days. i leave that to folks like jenn who know what they're doing and do it extremely well. kinda like outsourcing, i guess. i've outsourced cooking to other people and to trader joe's so i can focus on my core competencies.
at around 1 am, jenn decided to bring out her stash of sparklers because this event was deemed worthy of lighting those magic sticks. so we went outside and waved our flaming wands and it was simply lovely. i just wished those things lasted longer than 10 seconds. it was around this time that the big "K" was brought up, namely KARAOKE. you see, jenn & john live several blocks away from one of the few watering holes in chicago that have free karaoke 7 nights a week. karaoke is one of the few guilty pleasures that i will indulge in with very little convincing necessary. i've got an entire body of veins pumping 100% korean blood. that's what it is, ya know. (yeah, blame it on your race, sarah.)
so at around 1:30amish the remaining 7 partyers including our hosts jenn & john and yours truly moseyed on over to the infamous hidden cove where karaoke's free and the liquor's cheap. it was crowded this time of nite, and the folks getting up to sing were often pretty drunk. the crowd would get rowdy at times, and when one woman got up and did "i love rock & roll" folks were on their feet, singing, stomping and dancing. well, after over an hour of being bystanders to general barcrowd rowdiness and still not getting a turn for any of us at the mic, late nite mexican at garcia's was brought up. so we headed over there and ended the evening/predawn festivities w/ tacos and burritos and other good mexican food that really shouldn't be consumed at 3:30 in the morning. i have to say, though, i'm hoping we reschedule the karaoke night because i was really looking forward to witnessing dan phillips of my favorite local band zapruder point doing the big "K." maybe next time. and i think i need to come up w/ a better song than "i think we're alone now."
well, let's see...the highlights from the past few earthly rotations...oh, yeah. mobfest acoustic showcase @ uncommon ground. my friend jane & i made it just in time as the hear diagonally showcase started. and the very first song i heard as i took my seat was my all-time favorite joni mitchell song "a case of you" covered by tommi zender (of trinkets of joy) on guitar and some blonde dude singing. tommi uses almost the same toe nail polish color as i do. he's got good taste.
after tommi and the blondie, i got to see eric z perform for my very first time. he has a rather interesting way of playing the guitar (or banjo)--he lays it flat on his lap. yeah, like in the photo--he's not just taking a break there; he's actually playing. i've actually played my guitar in a cello position (between the knees) so it wasn't all that strange to me. actually, eric's method is closer to the traditional eastern methods for playing a stringed instrument, i think. i really liked his songs, and he kept making these faces that reminded me of the faces my best friend josh makes when he's about to take advantage of my gullibility.
after eric, mike merz who came from minneapolis performed. he goes by the moniker sinner-songwriter and writes some of the most intelligent songs i've heard in a while. i found out he's played w/ my st.paul area faves erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet sometime in the past. he also drinks interesting looking beer that i've never heard of (that's his weird beer next to my sierra nevada).
the last act of the night was justin roberts, well-known for his kids' songs but who also has a grown-up album out too. i only got to stay for his first song so i could drive jane home so i guess i'll have to catch another one of his shows later. he's playing schuba's by the way sunday 6/30 at like 3 in the afternoon. it's a kid's show but should be great for adults as well. his music comes highly recommended, so if you're into recommendations and stuff like that and you're like a parent or a grownup who likes good songs, check him out.
i ran into mike cameron at uncommon ground, and he told me that katie todd & her band were playing the next day at a street fest at st. somethingoranother so i went to that sat. afternoon. i'd been wanting to see katie play for like over a month now so i'm glad mike told me about the show, esp. since i most likely will not make summerfest in milwaukee next saturday when she gets to play as the winner of the battle of the bands big break competition. i had a chance to talk to katie before the show, and she is SO sweet. 
she told me she went to high school at new trier in winnetka where she grew up, and i asked her when she graduated cuz i had friends who went there, and she's like "1996" and inside i just felt old. katie's got a very radio friendly sound, but it's not saccharine either. it's pure innocent pop, and the audience including the kids loved it. her upcoming album changing faces will be released w/ festivities @ martyr's on 7/27 w/ stuart davis playing as well. i think it'll be sold on cdbaby when it comes out if you miss the cd release party.
saturday nite was jenn & john's joint bday festivities. i think i was the only non-kenyon college/ohian or theatre/crossmediaservices colleague there. i did get to meet eric z & mike merz from the previous nite's mobfest performance, as well as a whole slew of interesting folks. i had brought my liquor collection which of courses included a bottle of midori. the girls really liked the midori sour which jenn concocted. that is one deadly drink because you can just keep drinking it and drinking it and drinking it and before you realize what you've done, you start turning the color of the drink itself (a rather greenish hue). another deadly element to the evening was jenn's cake, a mix of devil's food & angel food cakes & razberry liquer soaked something or another frosted w/ a thick layer of pure chocolate. i bet if jenn ever decided she wanted to go into science, she'd be a whiz in the chemistry lab because baking is all chemistry from what i hear. of course i wouldn't know as i seldom bake or do any type of cooking these days. i leave that to folks like jenn who know what they're doing and do it extremely well. kinda like outsourcing, i guess. i've outsourced cooking to other people and to trader joe's so i can focus on my core competencies.
at around 1 am, jenn decided to bring out her stash of sparklers because this event was deemed worthy of lighting those magic sticks. so we went outside and waved our flaming wands and it was simply lovely. i just wished those things lasted longer than 10 seconds. it was around this time that the big "K" was brought up, namely KARAOKE. you see, jenn & john live several blocks away from one of the few watering holes in chicago that have free karaoke 7 nights a week. karaoke is one of the few guilty pleasures that i will indulge in with very little convincing necessary. i've got an entire body of veins pumping 100% korean blood. that's what it is, ya know. (yeah, blame it on your race, sarah.)
so at around 1:30amish the remaining 7 partyers including our hosts jenn & john and yours truly moseyed on over to the infamous hidden cove where karaoke's free and the liquor's cheap. it was crowded this time of nite, and the folks getting up to sing were often pretty drunk. the crowd would get rowdy at times, and when one woman got up and did "i love rock & roll" folks were on their feet, singing, stomping and dancing. well, after over an hour of being bystanders to general barcrowd rowdiness and still not getting a turn for any of us at the mic, late nite mexican at garcia's was brought up. so we headed over there and ended the evening/predawn festivities w/ tacos and burritos and other good mexican food that really shouldn't be consumed at 3:30 in the morning. i have to say, though, i'm hoping we reschedule the karaoke night because i was really looking forward to witnessing dan phillips of my favorite local band zapruder point doing the big "K." maybe next time. and i think i need to come up w/ a better song than "i think we're alone now."
i have been feeling these past few days that there's a lot of loss going on in my life right now. and it's not like i'm misplacing things or anything like that. it's more like i'm being robbed. i don't claim to know what god's got up that eternal sleeve of his, but for a mere mortal such as myself, it's all quite difficult to understand right now.
it's been a hard week...actually, it's been a hard 3 months...this tunnel is so topsy turvy, there's no way to see a light that would indicate the end actually exists and that i won't be stuck here in this claustraphobia-inducing thick darkness for much longer. somewhere somehow i've got to find even just a tiny shred of hope...
recent soundtrack--
from the next of idea--scientific
get here and stay--764-hero
when your heartstrings break--beulah
s/t ep--the trouble with sweeney
out of tune--mojave3
old blood--mayday
black out--good life
fetal position--bill mallonee
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
low resolution--zp
it's been a hard week...actually, it's been a hard 3 months...this tunnel is so topsy turvy, there's no way to see a light that would indicate the end actually exists and that i won't be stuck here in this claustraphobia-inducing thick darkness for much longer. somewhere somehow i've got to find even just a tiny shred of hope...
recent soundtrack--
from the next of idea--scientific
get here and stay--764-hero
when your heartstrings break--beulah
s/t ep--the trouble with sweeney
out of tune--mojave3
old blood--mayday
black out--good life
fetal position--bill mallonee
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
low resolution--zp
so i was late to church yesterday (again), and i hate being late cuz they do this thing at the very beginning of the service called LITURG-MA which i have no idea what that means, something to do with liturgy i suppose, and i don't like missing it cuz it often involves a cool multimedia presentation. so i was making record time to church when i got caught at a railroad crossing by a really really long cargo train. what scared me was the load it was carrying. there was a long line of these military vehicles that reminded me that we weren't living in peaceful times. all i can say is dona nobis pacem cuz we really could use some pax in this world that's for sure. it was kind of a downer to see all those vehicles speeding by me like dutiful soldiers being transported to fulfill some miliatry mission. war and rumors of wars bring me down...can't we all just get along? no, i suppose not...
alright, so there are some really cool shows coming up. mobfest (music over business festival) starts this thursday. i've been invited to like 3 different shows going on at the same time that are all part of mobfest. for some really jamming kickass alt-country whiskey soaked music, check out old no. 8 @ the beat kitchen friday nite 10pm. or check out electric @ the lyon's den for some rock 'n' roll @ 10pm. but if you want something acoustic, there's always the mobfest acoustic showcases @ uncommon ground starting @ 7:30 i think. dolly varden who toured w/ bill mallonee in the u.k. are doing an acoustic early show @ schubas this saturday. denison witmer and rosie thomas (rosie sings parking lot on damien jurado's ghost of david) are coming to schuba's on sat. 6/29 for a cheap early show. or if you're in the milwaukee area, katie todd & her band will be playing summerfest that late afternoon on 6/29. katie and her band are the winners of the 2002 summerfest big break competition (kind of like a battle of the bands). travis dow (frontman for cal hollow) who opened up for bill on friday nite is her guitar player. then miranda stone (it was her concert @ the garden lounge that got me into the whole indie music scene through pastemusic.com) is coming to reba place in evanston on sunday 6/30. miranda tells the best stories, and just her & her guitar are absolutely amazing. if you're going to be in town 4th of july weekend, the show you won't want to miss is bill mallonee and vigilantes of love w/ erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet playing saturday 7/6 @ schubas @ 9pm. it's a double cd release party!!! and y'all know how much i love both fetal position (bill's new one) and amelia's boot (uhq's latest). go to my concert calendar to see all the shows i'm currently interested in (the ones w/ an asterisk * are ones i'm planning on going to).
that's it. i listened to the trouble w/ sweeney's dear life cd all day. we were recently reunited when i dropped by my apartment on saturday night to get my summer clothes & some cds i was missing, and top of that list was my ttw/s collection (all 1 cd & 1 cdep). i love joey sweeney!!! if you like wilco, you might like ttw/s. but i don't know. i mean, joey kinda sounds like jeff tweedy, but i get in trouble when i compare artists to each other so i'm not gonna say that he really does even though i think he does. but if you DO like wilco (or if you don't know who wilco is) go download some mp3s off ttw/s's website and check them out. then if you like them, go visit burnttoastvinyl and get the whole cd.
ok. this down here was scribbled at around noon today.
i was fine until i got to church (late) & walked in while the speaker was talking about fathers. then that puppeteer who's taken over my heartstrings gave a jerk w/ no warning & the tears started. it was downhill after that. they don't do hymns too often @ this church but they happened to do one that was one of my dad's favorites and which we'd used at his funeral. the whole service seemed to be "father this" and "father that" which i guess is kind of expected on father's day. and i tried shutting all the doors and windows and shades to my heart as fast as i could, but it was too late. the damage was done.
after the service, i didn't have the nerve to talk to anyone but tim. i left right after service, got in my car, and as soon as i turned onto arlington heights road, i let my emotions take over & i sobbed. i suppose it didn't help any that on my cd player rufus wainwright happened to be singing a sad song in that sad sad puppy eye voice of his. crimeny. you gotta be careful what you put on your cd player cuz you never know when it's gonna hit you.
and now i'm parked illegally somewhere on deerfield parkway just east of rt 21 down the road from a patch of a wooded area that i've seen on several occasions driving to the wildwood. it's practically a wet little swamp after big rain storms, and i guess we had a few of those last week cuz the ground is still bathed in murky rain water. i'm going to walk on over there now and spend some time w/ my camera and my thoughts...
well, i'm at my mom's house now. it's late evening. all the photos in today's post are a result of that little walk with my camera and my thoughts. it ended up being really therapeutic. the sun was so warm and cheery, and the sky was a comforting bright blue, and the clouds were the kind you see in paintings that bring to mind images of cotton candy and snowy white down comforters. i kept finding these little gems, like these two perfect daisies in the middle of an open area in the woods that i wandered onto. i was so happy to find these because most of the daisies you run into are kinda ragged and chewed on by bugs. and these were flawless. daisies have always been my flower, and my dad told me once that he thinks of me as a daisy. so they mean even more to me now because that's how my dad saw me. and if i were a daisy in real life, i would've been one of these two.
then my best friend josh called me while i was in the middle of chasing a big fat juicy dragon fly, the kind that you just know gives rides to the likes of tinkerbell and her friends. josh always knows when i'm on a photoshoot, and he ends up becoming a part of it by talking to me while i'm shooting. we kept getting cut off, and then josh calls back and he's like screaming into the phone that it's hailing golf balls!!! he'd just gotten done w/ a flight right before the thunderstorms rolled in. i could hear the racket of the hail bombarding his little chevy in the background. then we got cut off again, and he calls back, and he's laughing and saying it's sunny and the skies are blue. a 3 minute thunderstorm w/ all the pyrotechnics & props. that must've been some storm.
my camera battery died as i was talking to josh, so i headed back to my car, and we talked some more as i drove towards the tristate until sprintpcs decided we'd talked enough & disconnected us. this is how we often end phone calls. when sprint decides we're through. so it was a good afternoon after all, between the photoshoot and josh's phone call. then i don't know what happened. it just went downhill again. man, this thing called EMOTIONS and YOUR HEART--it's a rollercoaster ride that just never ends. no wonder there are so many pop & rock'n'roll songs called rollercoaster.
well, i got through this father's day thing. i think i'll get on with my life now.
recent soundtrack--
low resolution disc one--zapruder point
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
get here and stay--764-hero
fetal position--bill mallonee
the photo album--death cab for cutie
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
a really cool mix cd made by someone else for a change
read music/speak spanish--desaparecidos (conor oberst of bright eyes)
i was fine until i got to church (late) & walked in while the speaker was talking about fathers. then that puppeteer who's taken over my heartstrings gave a jerk w/ no warning & the tears started. it was downhill after that. they don't do hymns too often @ this church but they happened to do one that was one of my dad's favorites and which we'd used at his funeral. the whole service seemed to be "father this" and "father that" which i guess is kind of expected on father's day. and i tried shutting all the doors and windows and shades to my heart as fast as i could, but it was too late. the damage was done.
after the service, i didn't have the nerve to talk to anyone but tim. i left right after service, got in my car, and as soon as i turned onto arlington heights road, i let my emotions take over & i sobbed. i suppose it didn't help any that on my cd player rufus wainwright happened to be singing a sad song in that sad sad puppy eye voice of his. crimeny. you gotta be careful what you put on your cd player cuz you never know when it's gonna hit you.
and now i'm parked illegally somewhere on deerfield parkway just east of rt 21 down the road from a patch of a wooded area that i've seen on several occasions driving to the wildwood. it's practically a wet little swamp after big rain storms, and i guess we had a few of those last week cuz the ground is still bathed in murky rain water. i'm going to walk on over there now and spend some time w/ my camera and my thoughts...
well, i'm at my mom's house now. it's late evening. all the photos in today's post are a result of that little walk with my camera and my thoughts. it ended up being really therapeutic. the sun was so warm and cheery, and the sky was a comforting bright blue, and the clouds were the kind you see in paintings that bring to mind images of cotton candy and snowy white down comforters. i kept finding these little gems, like these two perfect daisies in the middle of an open area in the woods that i wandered onto. i was so happy to find these because most of the daisies you run into are kinda ragged and chewed on by bugs. and these were flawless. daisies have always been my flower, and my dad told me once that he thinks of me as a daisy. so they mean even more to me now because that's how my dad saw me. and if i were a daisy in real life, i would've been one of these two.
then my best friend josh called me while i was in the middle of chasing a big fat juicy dragon fly, the kind that you just know gives rides to the likes of tinkerbell and her friends. josh always knows when i'm on a photoshoot, and he ends up becoming a part of it by talking to me while i'm shooting. we kept getting cut off, and then josh calls back and he's like screaming into the phone that it's hailing golf balls!!! he'd just gotten done w/ a flight right before the thunderstorms rolled in. i could hear the racket of the hail bombarding his little chevy in the background. then we got cut off again, and he calls back, and he's laughing and saying it's sunny and the skies are blue. a 3 minute thunderstorm w/ all the pyrotechnics & props. that must've been some storm.
my camera battery died as i was talking to josh, so i headed back to my car, and we talked some more as i drove towards the tristate until sprintpcs decided we'd talked enough & disconnected us. this is how we often end phone calls. when sprint decides we're through. so it was a good afternoon after all, between the photoshoot and josh's phone call. then i don't know what happened. it just went downhill again. man, this thing called EMOTIONS and YOUR HEART--it's a rollercoaster ride that just never ends. no wonder there are so many pop & rock'n'roll songs called rollercoaster.
well, i got through this father's day thing. i think i'll get on with my life now.
recent soundtrack--
low resolution disc one--zapruder point
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
get here and stay--764-hero
fetal position--bill mallonee
the photo album--death cab for cutie
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
a really cool mix cd made by someone else for a change
read music/speak spanish--desaparecidos (conor oberst of bright eyes)
ok. it's father's day. i'm not drunk, i'm not strung out on pain killers, and i'm awake. i'm all talk, eh? if you haven't read my older posts, you have no idea what i'm talking about...
here's last nite's journal entry. gotta run so just 2 photos for now.
(from around 2am) it's so late on saturday nite that it's actually sunday. does that make sense? whatever.
i'm on the back porch but tonight i'm not barefoot. i'm bundled up in fleece, jeans, socks AND shoes. it's frickin' cold for a june night. but the sky is clear, and the moon is a golden crescent that's literally a croissant hanging so low on the sw horizon that i can't even see it, and the stars hang where they normally hang which is all over the night sky.
it's been a lovely couple of days...friday night was bill mallonee's show @ uncommon ground. it was so awesome to see him at such a small venue. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. he performs w/ so much heart and soul and i just love his songwriting. not only that, bill is just so down to earth, compassionate and attentive to his fans you can't help but love him! man, what a treat! and he's got all these songs about his wife and from the way he sings and talks about her, it's just so obvious how much he loves and cherishes her. if every wife were regarded w/ as much love and adoration, the world would be so much more beautiful a place.
i also saw travis the frontman for cal hollow whom i'd met at the beki hemingway cd release party. he actually opened for bill, just him and his guitar. it was good to talk to him again. i like talking to folks from california. then in the middle of bill's show, i happened to see an old old churchmate walk in. it was chris langill, the guy who ran the garden lounge coffeehouse for the evanston vineyard. that was a total treat to see chris because i've been meaning to get a hold of him to see what he's up to (and cuz i've missed the garden lounge). i've got many a fond memory of dance parties @ the vineyard that chris & my friend matt dobschuetz djed for. i also saw andi & i, a wife & husband duo i'd seen a year ago at a little coffeehouse. andi has one of the most incredible voices i've ever heard, and she's a great live performer. mike choby of greenchoby was also there. it was after seeing him play his bass at that same coffeehouse that i was inspired to take a few bass lessons. alas, as i've said before, although i was allotted just as much love for music as my brother, he's the only one who actually got the talent to make music. oh well.
today (saturday) i went to the wildwood to catch up on mailing stuff out. i ended up playing w/ the boys including not only tim's boys but another little one from the church. it was a blast. little boys are so much fun. we went to the park across the street and just PLAYED like kids play cuz these WERE real kids and i got to play too cuz i was in charge cuz i happened to be the biggest one around. however, at about midnite tonite, i felt the precursor to all tomorrow's aches and pains from the afternoon's workout of simultaneously pushing two boys on the swings, one with each arm. and a gentle push was not enough for these boys; they expected each push to be made w/ all the strength i had, which isn't much, which is another reason i'm going to be really sore tomorrow...i mean today...gotta take something to remedy that...
the rest of the evening was lovely involving foot time in the city looking for a park that apprently doesn't exist (the invite to the sculpture exhibit said 3300 N and 1700 W which is basically school & somewhere west of lincoln like near paulina--nothing resembling a park on that corner unless it was microscopic and under our feet). i actually like not knowing where i'm going and just meandering until i find what i'm looking for...or not finding it as in today's case. it was still a lovely windy day with humungo perfectly fluffy white clouds and lots of sunshine, so walking around felt great.
i also met up w/ jenn & john who were near my apt after john's sketchbook performance at the chopin. we went to cafe estelle's next door to subterranean and we had drinks & a late nite snack. they have really awesome food there! actually, all i've ever had are the veggie kabobs (which i had again last night) and the veggie burger, which john had, and he said it was the best veggie burger he'd ever had. i don't know if it's because he was hungry or what, but i'd say they do make a really nice veggie burger as veggie burgers go. i think it's the bread. anyways, it was great to see jenn & hear of her vacation & get more exposure to "the gospel according to john (after a few drinks)". jenn & john are beautiful beautiful people to be around...
and now i'm here on the back porch spending time with the stars...it's father's day...the first fatherless father's day of my entire life. but right now the stars make it okay. i'm staring up up up as i type listening to one of my favorite songwriters conor oberst's desaparecidos cd (read music/speak spanish). it's lovely to be outdoors in the dark staring out into the directionless night sky dotted with tiny random specks of light. for some reason i am not sad about father's day. but it's only 2am. i've got 22 more hours left in the day. and i don't even pretend to have control over the direction of my emotions these days. my heartstrings seem to be played upon by some invisible hand that doesn't give a clue as to when it will be pulling which way and when. but right at this very moment i am content. even happy.
ouch. my arms. it's starting to hurt to type...
here's last nite's journal entry. gotta run so just 2 photos for now.
(from around 2am) it's so late on saturday nite that it's actually sunday. does that make sense? whatever.
i'm on the back porch but tonight i'm not barefoot. i'm bundled up in fleece, jeans, socks AND shoes. it's frickin' cold for a june night. but the sky is clear, and the moon is a golden crescent that's literally a croissant hanging so low on the sw horizon that i can't even see it, and the stars hang where they normally hang which is all over the night sky.
it's been a lovely couple of days...friday night was bill mallonee's show @ uncommon ground. it was so awesome to see him at such a small venue. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. he performs w/ so much heart and soul and i just love his songwriting. not only that, bill is just so down to earth, compassionate and attentive to his fans you can't help but love him! man, what a treat! and he's got all these songs about his wife and from the way he sings and talks about her, it's just so obvious how much he loves and cherishes her. if every wife were regarded w/ as much love and adoration, the world would be so much more beautiful a place.
i also saw travis the frontman for cal hollow whom i'd met at the beki hemingway cd release party. he actually opened for bill, just him and his guitar. it was good to talk to him again. i like talking to folks from california. today (saturday) i went to the wildwood to catch up on mailing stuff out. i ended up playing w/ the boys including not only tim's boys but another little one from the church. it was a blast. little boys are so much fun. we went to the park across the street and just PLAYED like kids play cuz these WERE real kids and i got to play too cuz i was in charge cuz i happened to be the biggest one around. however, at about midnite tonite, i felt the precursor to all tomorrow's aches and pains from the afternoon's workout of simultaneously pushing two boys on the swings, one with each arm. and a gentle push was not enough for these boys; they expected each push to be made w/ all the strength i had, which isn't much, which is another reason i'm going to be really sore tomorrow...i mean today...gotta take something to remedy that...
the rest of the evening was lovely involving foot time in the city looking for a park that apprently doesn't exist (the invite to the sculpture exhibit said 3300 N and 1700 W which is basically school & somewhere west of lincoln like near paulina--nothing resembling a park on that corner unless it was microscopic and under our feet). i actually like not knowing where i'm going and just meandering until i find what i'm looking for...or not finding it as in today's case. it was still a lovely windy day with humungo perfectly fluffy white clouds and lots of sunshine, so walking around felt great.
i also met up w/ jenn & john who were near my apt after john's sketchbook performance at the chopin. we went to cafe estelle's next door to subterranean and we had drinks & a late nite snack. they have really awesome food there! actually, all i've ever had are the veggie kabobs (which i had again last night) and the veggie burger, which john had, and he said it was the best veggie burger he'd ever had. i don't know if it's because he was hungry or what, but i'd say they do make a really nice veggie burger as veggie burgers go. i think it's the bread. anyways, it was great to see jenn & hear of her vacation & get more exposure to "the gospel according to john (after a few drinks)". jenn & john are beautiful beautiful people to be around...
and now i'm here on the back porch spending time with the stars...it's father's day...the first fatherless father's day of my entire life. but right now the stars make it okay. i'm staring up up up as i type listening to one of my favorite songwriters conor oberst's desaparecidos cd (read music/speak spanish). it's lovely to be outdoors in the dark staring out into the directionless night sky dotted with tiny random specks of light. for some reason i am not sad about father's day. but it's only 2am. i've got 22 more hours left in the day. and i don't even pretend to have control over the direction of my emotions these days. my heartstrings seem to be played upon by some invisible hand that doesn't give a clue as to when it will be pulling which way and when. but right at this very moment i am content. even happy.
ouch. my arms. it's starting to hurt to type...
you know what i was thinking today? well, let me tell ya...i was thinking today that i was born to be doing what i'm doing @ the willdwood. the good old days back when i worked for eloise at the evanston vineyard are coming back to me now...the 4+ years i put in there prepared me perfectly for the stuff i'm doing here at what i fondly have been referring to as "the wildness." if the devil's in the details, i'm right in there with him cuz that's what i like picking up...all the crazy details that fall through the cracks...ok, maybe not all, but a lot anyway. i must be a really sick person to enjoy doing this. actually, it's not the actual doing that i enjoy. it's knowing that it serves a purpose in the long run towards supporting the careers of some much-deserving artists.
well, i've had my first concert photos published on someone else's website. they're of bill mallonee's abbey pub concert back in april, which is where i met my boss tim who saw me taking the photos and asked me for copies. bill is coming to uncommon ground this friday for 2 evening shows, and i'm excited about that. his new solo album is officially released on saturday, and it totally totally totally rocks!!!! for those of you who will be in chicago on july 6th, bill will be having a cd release party @ schubas tavern. it'll actually be a double cd-release party w/ erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet whose new album amelia's boot is a total party in a digipak! you can purchase your copy at pastemusic.com or just download "helplessly" and "sunshower" as mp3s for free, and then try telling me you don't want the whole cd! ok, some of you won't want it, but others of you are dormant UHQ fans just waiting to be born. i just know it. and if you like helplessly and sunshower, you absolutely have to hear words/wings and 100 years and more blue and pretty much the whole rest of the album.
today's soundtrack--
being there disc 1 & 2--wilco
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
letting off the happiness--bright eyes
everclear--american music club
XFM radio off the web
well, i've had my first concert photos published on someone else's website. they're of bill mallonee's abbey pub concert back in april, which is where i met my boss tim who saw me taking the photos and asked me for copies. bill is coming to uncommon ground this friday for 2 evening shows, and i'm excited about that. his new solo album is officially released on saturday, and it totally totally totally rocks!!!! for those of you who will be in chicago on july 6th, bill will be having a cd release party @ schubas tavern. it'll actually be a double cd-release party w/ erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet whose new album amelia's boot is a total party in a digipak! you can purchase your copy at pastemusic.com or just download "helplessly" and "sunshower" as mp3s for free, and then try telling me you don't want the whole cd! ok, some of you won't want it, but others of you are dormant UHQ fans just waiting to be born. i just know it. and if you like helplessly and sunshower, you absolutely have to hear words/wings and 100 years and more blue and pretty much the whole rest of the album.
today's soundtrack--
being there disc 1 & 2--wilco
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
letting off the happiness--bright eyes
everclear--american music club
XFM radio off the web
ok. got another NACA deadline breathing down my neck @ the wildness. sheesh. things tend to happen and time tends to keep moving even if you're not ready for either. and on top of that, we lost power at my mom's this morning like 20 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, so instead of getting up at 05:30, the thunder woke me up at 08:15. i remember opening my eyes and wondering why i felt so rested...so i ended up staying at pca longer than expected today which meant staying later at the wildness, but still not as late as i think i should've. tim kicked me out though while i was in the middle of getting grief from the word document for our new artist steve owen's 8X10 b&w glossy. that had better fix itself by tomorrow.
anyways, i'm posting on today's post some recent paintings by bruce p. yes, this is the same bruce i'm currently in the middle of divorcing. i went over to his condo last night, and we hung out as he painted and i played some music by wildwood artists. i don't know what i was trying to achieve by going over there, but oh well. i kind of left feeling like chopped liver, but that's my own fault.
so why am i posting these photos of his work? well, he's worked pretty hard at them. he's converted the first floor of the condo from what was our music room into a painting studio. my piano's still there, but it seems to be more or less ignored these days. bruce's work tends to be large scale. each of these paintings is probably 4ftX6ft. he has some that are lots bigger and wants even larger sized paper to work with. besides, they're kind of interesting, aren't they? if there's one thing about bruce, i've always respected his artistic insights, which i totally lack. and he's the color guru.
bruce called the realtor today, and she's coming over to see the condo tomorrow afternoon. i really hope to get it on the market and sold as soon as possible. that would mean i'd have to finally move everything out of there...oh well...but it would free up a significant portion of my cash flow, as i've continued paying half the mortgage and then some on top of that. this whole divorce thing is a major pain in the rear, emotionally and logistically. i'm just glad bruce & i don't really have significant property to fight over, and that neither of us is really a hostile party. although some people think it would be better is one of us got really mad and put up a fight. well, it's not going to be me, i can tell you that for sure.
recent soundtrack--
i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song
something about airplanes--death cab for cutie
dog on wheels ep--belle & sebastian
the green fury--matt pond pa
musicforthemorningafter--pete yorn
california--american music club
life of david--michael knott
being there disc one--wilco
s/t ep--shannon worrell & kristin asbury
mp3s: grown man/unrequited to the nth degree--loudon wainwright; blue monday--new order; ordinary girl--bic runga; day is done--nick drake; where do i begin--chemical bros w/ beth orton; not dark yet--bob dylan; ice cube--clem snide; lonely sinking feeling--cowboy junkies
i really hate to admit this, but i actually went to church today and got something out of it. if i'm sending mixed signals, there's a reason for that. it's cuz i'm mixed up. mixed up people tend to give out mixed signals. i'm mixed up about church and faith and christianity and all that pop so i'm giving out mixed signals. they've been doing this series at life on the vine (the church in the burbs i've been going to when i stay w/ my mom) called the journey based on the book of 1peter. it's interesting because i feel like i've been a foreigner on one hell of a journey and that i've been ravaged and pillaged and mistreated and abused up one side & down the other and had my only trusted guide and navigator stolen from me and murdered, and now i'm walking the road alone, my clothes in tatters, who knows where my luggage went, and really the humane thing to do would be to take me off the side of the road and shoot me.
ok, maybe i'm being overly dramatic, but you get the gist. i can definitely relate to the weary traveller, one who's been mistreated and robbed along the way and who has recently lost the only person she trusted and who is distrustful of all the strangers surrounding her. it hasn't been a picnic to say the least. i'm kind of pissed that my dad's been taken from me when i feel like i really need someone walking me through this maze of briers and mudpits. like, what--does god think i can handle this or something? cuz i can't, you know. i'm no dummy. i know i can't get through this on my own. so since god took my dad, i'm putting it on his head to get me through this crap phase in my life cuz the fan's blowing at full blast now. and i don't wanna hear anybody telling me "god is your father now." that may be true, but if he's gonna be my father, then ok, whatever, BE my father, but i don't wanna hear anymore TALK about it. and frankly, i LIKED the father i had. and if god thinks he can just be my dad that easy cuz he's god, well, i hate to be difficult, but i'm pretty damn skeptical right now. and if i get hit by lightning for thinking all this, well, then, god just isn't as big as i hoped he'd be.
but like i was saying, i went to church today and i got something out of it and that scares me. i know it would be stupid to go to church if you didn't get anything out of it, but ya gotta understand, i've stepped back into the church cuz i'm looking for my dad and i figure i might feel closer to him at church, and i haven't really been going to GET SOMETHING out of the services. so i'm a bit frightened that i actually felt something inside me respond to the sermon of all things. i even talked to dave the sr pastor after the service, and we had a good chat. i'd say he's got his head screwed on straight, which is a relief. now i don't see myself becoming the church lady or anything like that, but i know that i've got this need to find truth, and i've got this need to live a life that's passionate about SOMETHING, and i'd rather it be for something true than something meaningless. yeah, and i know the mantra for my generation has been that there's no such thing as truth, but i don't buy that. there's something deep inside me that tells me that there IS Truth and that it's worth going after, even if i never fully grasp it. so call me a fool, call me weak-minded, whatever, i really don't care what anybody thinks of me any more because i'm the one who's gotta live with myself for the rest of my life. you could call me an idiot to my face, and i don't think it would phaze me. try it out; test me on this one.
so i still haven't decided what to do for father's day, whether to be drunk or asleep the entire day. yeah, i know, why do something that would make my dad sad? well, it's really not going to make him sad, see, cuz he's in heaven and incapable of being sad, so i'm not really worried about my dad; i'm worried about ME, and if that sounds selfish, that's cuz it is. i really don't see any other options besides inebriation, sleep, pain killers or some combination of the three for getting through that day without totally losing it.
yeah, well, anyways, i've got the house all to myself this evening, which is a rare thing these days...i am celebrating the solitude by spreading out ALL my cds that i happen to have at my mom's house on my bed and playing all the songs i wanna hear and playing 'em as LOUD as i want.
recent soundtrack:
mutations--beck
acoustic--everything but the girl
life of david--michael knott
lay it down--cowboy junkies
fetal position--bill mallonee
low resolution disc 2--zapruder point
18--moby
orange juice--annie quick
grace--jeff buckley
individ. songs: don't drink the water/stay(wasting time)/ crush/ the dreaming tree/ crash into me/ too much/ #41/ say goodbye/ let you down/ cry freedom--dave matthews band; the dark is rising/nite and fog--mercury rev; bright as yellow--the innocence mission; backseat driver--ticklepenny corner; summer dress--red house painters; walking wounded/ twin stars--everything but the girl; case of you--joni mitchell; coney island--death cab for cutie; words--wings/ helplessly/ more blue--erik brandt & the uhq; naked--stickman jones; skylines--764-hero; when you sleep--my bloody valentine; mexico/ guitar/ let me go--cake; laughingstock/western sky/ i've been a mess/ will you find me?--american music club; birds & ships--natalie merchant & billy bragg & wilco; skyway/can't hardly wait--the replacements
it is just past midnite...i am sitting in a cheap plastic chaise lounge (the kind you get at your local drug store chain) on my mom's little deck out in the back. from where i'm sitting, there is absolutely no artificial light whatsoever in sight, except for the glow of my laptop monitor of course. that's one of the things i love about my mom's house-it's so dark outside at night in these parts that you can really see the stars. and on a moonless night like tonight, the constellations are amplified all the more. the longer you stare at the sky and just wait silently and patiently, the more stars come out of hiding, one by one. what a lovely, perfect night...warm enough to sit outside in jeans and a light sweater with bare toes, and cool enough to keep me from sweating. the air smells like cool, damp soil...it's such a reassuring scent. tonight, i will choose to be happy, even for these few little moments, because the stars are so beautiful and gentle and soothing and hopeful and comforting.
my brother jim is home now and he sits out with me and we look at the stars together wondering what we're looking at. we chat a bit, talk about what we did that day, about going to cornerstone. we share a shooting star together...i see the star gracefully glide upwards in one starlight streak looking like a confident chess maneuver as it disappears forever into the night; it is such a bright one that my brother sees it too out of the corner of his eye. we sit some more, hoping to see another one, but i know that it will be hard to top the one we just saw...we stare at the sky some more and pass the silence back and forth...i wonder if jim is missing my dad like i am...
if i weren't considered a delicacy to the mosquito population, i would just sleep out here under the stars tonight.
my brother jim is home now and he sits out with me and we look at the stars together wondering what we're looking at. we chat a bit, talk about what we did that day, about going to cornerstone. we share a shooting star together...i see the star gracefully glide upwards in one starlight streak looking like a confident chess maneuver as it disappears forever into the night; it is such a bright one that my brother sees it too out of the corner of his eye. we sit some more, hoping to see another one, but i know that it will be hard to top the one we just saw...we stare at the sky some more and pass the silence back and forth...i wonder if jim is missing my dad like i am...
if i weren't considered a delicacy to the mosquito population, i would just sleep out here under the stars tonight.
so i went and saw collaboraction's 2002 summer sketchbook last night to see my friend john roberts in one of the short (very short) plays. the performance overall was an interesting mix that included not only drama, comedy, dance, and a guy strumming a nylon-stringed guitar, but also an actual dj who would spin in between each play. he played a few of my old faves, including new order's blue monday & depeche mode's just can't get enough. ah, the good old 80's...i am getting old. exhibited inside the performance area and outside in the lobby were original artwork by various artists that represented different types of sketches (it's a sketchbook, get it?).
now i have to admit i totally did not understand some of the plays. but i don't think jenn & john understood everything entirely either, so i didn't feel so bad, since they're the experts and i'm not. but i happen to be a believer in not understanding everything. i don't think you need to have comprehension to have appreciation, because if you did, i wouldn't appreciate like 99.999999% of the arts and life in general. i like having a bit of mystery in life. there's beauty in mystery, i think. that's why i'm not very good at science; i like some things being left unexplained to me so that i can just wonder about it. things like rainbows, shooting stars, the ocean in a sea shell, the phases of the moon, color, sound, vertigo, the change in seasons, snowflakes, echoes, clouds, thunderstorms, lightning, water, mirrors, light, etc...
after the performance, john & jenn & i went next door to the big wig, a bar/club that we could get a free coctail at w/ our ticket stub. it was rather loud, but i found the decorations somewhat interesting. i liked the softening effect of the toule covering the disco ball and light fixtures on the ceilings. the pulsating dance music was not my favorite, not that i danced or anything (so far, the only place i really like dancing in chicago is either the privacy of my own home where i can pick my own tunes or the liar's club), but it was definitely not crowded, and i got a free whiskey sour. can't beat free drinks.
now i think i've mentioned my fondness for jenn & john for jenn's gourmet cooking skills, for introducing me to zapruder point, for being real people and christians at the same time, and just a general delight to be around. well, another reason i like them is that they also are music lovers. and last night they shared some of that love w/ me by giving me some singles/eps from their collection. now y'all know how i feel about free cds, so i was one happy camper by the end of the evening. a totally cool performance, some nostalgic 80's music, free whiskey sour, interesting lighting, and free cds...how do you beat that for an evening? thanks, jenn & john!!!
soundtrack since i left off--
comfort eagle--cake
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
a golden field of radioactive crows--77's
the following are what jenn & john gave me =):
when you sleep--my bloody valentine (i've always LOVED this song)
busy building/hazel motes/poor boy/don't break--shannon worrell & kristin asbury (a.k.a. september '67--man, i love this stuff)
hey hey you say/just to see you--papas fritas (i love this one too!!! jenn & john--"i'm not worthy! i'm not worthy!")
i'm headed over to the chopin theatre to see a performance of collaboraction's summer sketchbook. my friend john roberts is appearing in the world premiere of a short play called tornado. john & his wife jenn sampson introduced me to the music of dan phillips a.k.a. zapruder point. so i'm eternally grateful to both of them.
it's the weekend!!!!! woohoooooooo!!!!!! i plan on playing hard!!! one more week until bill mallonee @ uncommon ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
today's soundtrack:
self-titled--the innocence mission
summershine--VoL
fetal position--bill mallonee
orange juice--annie quick
amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
misc. mp3s: peaches & cream/nicotine & gravy/milk & honey--beck; to spare you/hope is all i have/floating away--beki hemingway; get me away from here, i'm dying--belle & sebastian; wasting time--blink182; sweetheart, you're surrounded--the ocean blue; like a radio/goodbye--over the rhine; options/bad diary days--pedro the lion; designs on you--old 97's; sarah/halo friendly--damien jurado; lilac wine--jeff buckley; nothing gives me pleasure--josh rouse; wandering star--portishead; parallel lines--kings of convenience; two stones in my pocket--neil halstead; strange currencies/ belong--r.e.m.; all mixed up--red house painters; when will the sun rise again--simon joyner; anything--sixpence none the richer; like i do/smile--stickman jones; backseat driver--ticklepenny corner; kite--u2; jay/devils in the architecture/background to your drunk/devils-video killed the radio star--zapruder point
this was written earlier this morning:
my mother's muffled sobs float through the ceiling that separates us, and i am frozen again. what kind of a brute am i that i can't show comfort and sympathy for my own mother? do i feel too sorry for myself to have any empathy for her? is that what i'm doing? feeling sorry for myself? i don't know...but lately the melody of my heart has been playing a dirge, everything's in a minor key, and these chord progressions are getting more and more disturbing.
and so i will drown it all out with what i can. work, more work, music that's louder than my internal cries, distractions & indulgences, emotional entanglements, forgetfulness, phone calls to an 847 area code phone in new york, whiskey sours & sierra nevadas. am i going to make it? i suppose i will. if i don't, it would not be fun...
ok. that's enough moroseness for a while. let's move on to petulance.
well, i TRIED to see annie quick & stickman jones yesterday at the abbey pub to shoot some photos. tim was going to meet me there and we thought they were going on at 11pm. so i got there a little after 9, thinking that was plenty of time, but as soon as i opened the door to the pub, i knew something was wrong. why in the world was i hearing annie singing? is this like a full blown sound check? 
then i see posted the evening's lineup, and stickman jones had gone up at 8:45. i made it for their last song and that's it. crimeny! ok, whatever. i felt bad a) because i wanted to get photos of annie & her band, b) because i really wanted to hear live versions of songs off annie's new album (which is like way excellent) and c) because...well, i can't think of a c) because, but i'm sure there are other reasons i should feel bad. nevertheless, i did get a chance to meet annie, who's really sweet to her fans.
on the bright side, i did get to go see zapruder point again after all (refer to the 5/31 post). they were playing at the hideout, which i had never been to before, and it's called the hideout for a reason. it's not easy to find. i thought i made it somewhere within a 2 block vicinity of the place, but it was like in a really industrial part of town, and i couldn't see the address signs (not that i knew the address or anything) and then a chicago cop decided i was suspicious looking and trailed me. i ended up having to call my friend josh bearman for directions, and i'm like "i'm looking for the hideout & i'm by city of chicago fleet management!"and he's like, "yeah, you're there." so i had made it after all. but as long as i had josh on the phone, i wasn't going to let him off without giving him an earful since it's been like AGES since we'd had an actual conversation. 
josh (and this is my chicago josh, not my new york josh) happens to have the gift of extraction without endeavor; he can get out of me everything that's really going on without even trying. so of course i had to dump on him my most recent irritations and sorrows as long as i FINALLY had him on the phone. by the time i made it in to the hideout, zapruder point was just about to go on. i actually ran into dan, the frontman for zp, as i was giving my last dollar to the man at the door, and i quickly relayed the crazy story of how i got to be at that place at that moment.
i love zp! it was a short set and i didn't really get too many pictures, but it was nice to see them again. and dan's twin brother scott's band goner from raleigh, nc played a full set after them. now i have to admit i haven't seen too many bands that utilize a synth and no guitar, but w/ scott playing the two synths, you don't even miss the guitar. it was a fun set, and i hope they come back to chicago often. maybe zp & goner can do a combined show.
alright. that's it for now.
recent soundtrack--
engine--american music club
davey jones's locker--the ocean blue
fetal position--bill mallonee
summershine--VoL
orange juice--annie quick
real men cry--lost dogs
get here and stay--764-hero
amplified heart--everything but the girl
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
pleased to meet me--the replacements
satellite rides--old 97's
low resolution--zapruder point
the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point
just got home from the wildness--yeah, can you believe it? i'm posting before 20:00!!! like how early is THAT?!
so i hear that a good thing to do is to be thankful for stuff, ya know? and if you're into the whole jesus/god thing, you aim your thanks thatward. and since i suck at stuff like formal prayer & reading the bible and all that other stuff that christians call "quiet time," i'm gonna do something easier like being thankful. i think i can handle that.
and what do i wanna tell god thanks for today? well, here's a list:
1. bands that kick ASS! bands like 764-hero, god bless 'em. they're a great band to drive to. and bill mallonee of/and vigilantes of love. i'm listening to bill's debut solo album fetal position, and i'm like totally in LOVE w/ it after 6 tracks. even if you've never heard of bill or VoL, do something crazy and get this cd. if you don't like it, give it to me; i'll find someone who will love it and can't afford it. holy cow, i'm on track 7 now and i have literally loved every single track! no lie, amigos & amigas! by the way, bill is coming to uncommon ground on friday, june 14th to play TWO SHOWS, one at 8pm and one at 10pm. i'll be there for sure.
2. a post thunderstorm sky at dusk glowing in symphonic peaches and creams. the sky, the sky, the SKY! i love the sky! i wanna live in the sky!
3. palwaukee airport. one of the fringe benefits of working at the wildness is that i get to drive past palwaukee every day now. i love looking towards the northwestern sky which looms so big and open over the little airport. and every now and then, the planes fly overhead closer than they would elsewhere. that's always cool!
4. harmonicas. refer to item 1 and the photo next to it.
5. the reflective qualities of water & light combined. one of the things i love about rainstorms is that afterwards you're guaranteed to find a zillion beautiful reflections in the most ordinary places. i am infinitely fascinated by the lovely dance between water and light.
6. the way your heart melts at the sound of your name being mispronounced by your favorite 2 year old. this should require no explanation for anyone who's been lucky enough to have a little person in his/her life who remembers his/her name (somewhat).
7. pain killers. speaking of which i am going to go take some right now...
today's soundtrack:
get here and stay--764-hero
summershine--vigilantes of love
fetal position--bill mallonee
mp3s including:
shadows--red house painters; final solution--pere ubu; who do you love--mojave 3; i want you & beyond belief--elvis costello; please please please let me get what i want--the smiths; why does my heart feel so bad--moby; i don't sleep, i dream & perfect circle--r.e.m.; linger & dreams--the cranberries; sunshower--the urban hillbilly quartet; forever young--alphaville; nothing good & while you're waiting--ron sexsmith; don't leave the light on baby--belle & sebastian; all the small things--blink182; joan jett of arc--clem snide; something more besides you--cowboy junkies; all i want is you--u2; don't stand so close to me--the police; walk w/ me & lose my head--damien jurado; the space between us--dave matthews band; 405--death cab for cutie; everybody knows & paper doll--denison witmer; strangelove--depeche mode; don't make love so hard--good life; heart & shoulder--heather nova; it never entered my mind--miles davis; a case of you--joni mitchell; good night lover--songs: ohia; the ocean--sunny day real estate; behind--the ocean blue; pale blue eyes & some kinda love--the velvet underground; rider on the wheel--nick drake; without me & beautiful & innocents--annie quick
so i hear that a good thing to do is to be thankful for stuff, ya know? and if you're into the whole jesus/god thing, you aim your thanks thatward. and since i suck at stuff like formal prayer & reading the bible and all that other stuff that christians call "quiet time," i'm gonna do something easier like being thankful. i think i can handle that.
and what do i wanna tell god thanks for today? well, here's a list:
1. bands that kick ASS! bands like 764-hero, god bless 'em. they're a great band to drive to. and bill mallonee of/and vigilantes of love. i'm listening to bill's debut solo album fetal position, and i'm like totally in LOVE w/ it after 6 tracks. even if you've never heard of bill or VoL, do something crazy and get this cd. if you don't like it, give it to me; i'll find someone who will love it and can't afford it. holy cow, i'm on track 7 now and i have literally loved every single track! no lie, amigos & amigas! by the way, bill is coming to uncommon ground on friday, june 14th to play TWO SHOWS, one at 8pm and one at 10pm. i'll be there for sure.
2. a post thunderstorm sky at dusk glowing in symphonic peaches and creams. the sky, the sky, the SKY! i love the sky! i wanna live in the sky!
3. palwaukee airport. one of the fringe benefits of working at the wildness is that i get to drive past palwaukee every day now. i love looking towards the northwestern sky which looms so big and open over the little airport. and every now and then, the planes fly overhead closer than they would elsewhere. that's always cool!
4. harmonicas. refer to item 1 and the photo next to it.
5. the reflective qualities of water & light combined. one of the things i love about rainstorms is that afterwards you're guaranteed to find a zillion beautiful reflections in the most ordinary places. i am infinitely fascinated by the lovely dance between water and light.
6. the way your heart melts at the sound of your name being mispronounced by your favorite 2 year old. this should require no explanation for anyone who's been lucky enough to have a little person in his/her life who remembers his/her name (somewhat).
7. pain killers. speaking of which i am going to go take some right now...
today's soundtrack:
get here and stay--764-hero
summershine--vigilantes of love
fetal position--bill mallonee
mp3s including:
shadows--red house painters; final solution--pere ubu; who do you love--mojave 3; i want you & beyond belief--elvis costello; please please please let me get what i want--the smiths; why does my heart feel so bad--moby; i don't sleep, i dream & perfect circle--r.e.m.; linger & dreams--the cranberries; sunshower--the urban hillbilly quartet; forever young--alphaville; nothing good & while you're waiting--ron sexsmith; don't leave the light on baby--belle & sebastian; all the small things--blink182; joan jett of arc--clem snide; something more besides you--cowboy junkies; all i want is you--u2; don't stand so close to me--the police; walk w/ me & lose my head--damien jurado; the space between us--dave matthews band; 405--death cab for cutie; everybody knows & paper doll--denison witmer; strangelove--depeche mode; don't make love so hard--good life; heart & shoulder--heather nova; it never entered my mind--miles davis; a case of you--joni mitchell; good night lover--songs: ohia; the ocean--sunny day real estate; behind--the ocean blue; pale blue eyes & some kinda love--the velvet underground; rider on the wheel--nick drake; without me & beautiful & innocents--annie quick
wildwood most definitely lived up to the first 50% of its name today. sheesh. it's been a while since i've been doing administrative stuff, but all those years working for eloise were not in vain, and i think i've really settled into the admin/personal assistant role at the wildwood. actually, josh did have me pretty well trained this past year. all i ever got from him was a fake check and a xerox of some euros, but it was good practice for what i'm doing now for tim.
i can't remember the last time i had to fax close to 70 pages. i'm surprised they went through. on a good note though, i did get to listen to annie quick/stickman jones's new cd "orange juice" coming out later this month. it's definitely my favorite cd so far from them. they'll be at the abbey pub on wednesday btw for the wluw benefit concert w/ a bunch of other bands. it's only $7.
seriously considering going to see katie todd at uncommon ground tomorrow night. i met her guitar player travis dow at beki hemingway's cd release party sunday night. he's also the lead singer for cal hallow, originally from san fran, whom i'd seen at uncommon ground back in february. i've heard such great things about katie i really need to check her out. she plays at uncommon ground every 1st, 3rd & 5th tuesday of the month. well, if i don't make it tomorrow, i'm sure i'll make it out there sometime soon in the near future.
p.s. i'm not in such a pissy mood anymore. but who knows when that'll change again.
today's soundtrack:
words for loss for words--beki hemingway
out of tune--mojave 3
orange juice--annie quick
other songs--ron sexsmith
bunch of mp3s including:
designs on you--old 97s; hold on to me & 'cause cheap is how i feel--cowboy junkies; bluebeard--cocteau twins; within your reach--the replacements; last goodbye & grace--jeff buckley; somebody & but not tonight--depeche mode; temptation--new order; i hope i don't fall in love w/ you--tom waits; you can't always get what you want--the rolling stones; words-wings & helplessly--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet; summer on the west hill--kings of convenience; like dylan in the movies & the rollercoaster ride--belle & sebastian; like a radio--over the rhine; say yes & between the bars--elliott smith; brown eyes & have you forgotten--red house painters; like titanic--damien jurado; parking lot--damien; whole--pedro the lion; yesterday, tomorrow & breathe in this life--denison witmer; nothing like a train--bill mallonee & vol; long lost twin & bread--clem snide; there is a light that never goes out--the smiths; steadier footing--death cab for cutie; june on the west coast--bright eyes; pictures & prayer for the paranoid--mojave 3; red-eyed and blue & say you miss me--wilco; time has told me & fly & road--nick drake; walk on by--cake
why the hell am i listing all this? whatever. i suppose my daily soundtracks have some journalistic qualities to them.
oh, and josh was mentioning the other day that he noticed i was posting during normal waking hours for daytime working people in the central time zone instead of at like 2am like i used to do. i guess i'm finally adjusting to my own time zone. that and the fact that i've been getting up at 05:30 in the morning on workdays.
i can't remember the last time i had to fax close to 70 pages. i'm surprised they went through. on a good note though, i did get to listen to annie quick/stickman jones's new cd "orange juice" coming out later this month. it's definitely my favorite cd so far from them. they'll be at the abbey pub on wednesday btw for the wluw benefit concert w/ a bunch of other bands. it's only $7.
seriously considering going to see katie todd at uncommon ground tomorrow night. i met her guitar player travis dow at beki hemingway's cd release party sunday night. he's also the lead singer for cal hallow, originally from san fran, whom i'd seen at uncommon ground back in february. i've heard such great things about katie i really need to check her out. she plays at uncommon ground every 1st, 3rd & 5th tuesday of the month. well, if i don't make it tomorrow, i'm sure i'll make it out there sometime soon in the near future.
p.s. i'm not in such a pissy mood anymore. but who knows when that'll change again.
today's soundtrack:
words for loss for words--beki hemingway
out of tune--mojave 3
orange juice--annie quick
other songs--ron sexsmith
bunch of mp3s including:
designs on you--old 97s; hold on to me & 'cause cheap is how i feel--cowboy junkies; bluebeard--cocteau twins; within your reach--the replacements; last goodbye & grace--jeff buckley; somebody & but not tonight--depeche mode; temptation--new order; i hope i don't fall in love w/ you--tom waits; you can't always get what you want--the rolling stones; words-wings & helplessly--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet; summer on the west hill--kings of convenience; like dylan in the movies & the rollercoaster ride--belle & sebastian; like a radio--over the rhine; say yes & between the bars--elliott smith; brown eyes & have you forgotten--red house painters; like titanic--damien jurado; parking lot--damien; whole--pedro the lion; yesterday, tomorrow & breathe in this life--denison witmer; nothing like a train--bill mallonee & vol; long lost twin & bread--clem snide; there is a light that never goes out--the smiths; steadier footing--death cab for cutie; june on the west coast--bright eyes; pictures & prayer for the paranoid--mojave 3; red-eyed and blue & say you miss me--wilco; time has told me & fly & road--nick drake; walk on by--cake
why the hell am i listing all this? whatever. i suppose my daily soundtracks have some journalistic qualities to them.
oh, and josh was mentioning the other day that he noticed i was posting during normal waking hours for daytime working people in the central time zone instead of at like 2am like i used to do. i guess i'm finally adjusting to my own time zone. that and the fact that i've been getting up at 05:30 in the morning on workdays.
it is exactly one month from the moment i realized that my dad was on the last threads of life that morning i tried and failed to wake him up at the hospital. i can still remember that moment and what i felt as if it were right now. i know that what i experienced at that point in time is something i'll never experience again because i've lost my dad already, it's over and done, and nothing i will ever experience in this life will compare to that one. it's been a hard 48 hours or so...i don't understand how my dad could go an entire month without me. okay, i know that sounds stupid and self-centered and just plain idiotic, but really, i don't understand it. i suppose if i knew what heaven was really like, i'd get it, but as it is i'm clueless, so yeah, i'm wondering how my dad could go an entire month without me. i don't see how i've gone a whole month without him...or how i'm going to go the whole rest of my life without him...
ok. no swearing in today's post. coast is clear.
so i went to beki hemingway's cd release party tonight at schubas. i'd been listening to the cd for several weeks now since her manager mike cameron gave it to me when i sat in on his meeting w/ tim. mike had asked me to shoot photos at the show, which i was happy to do since he had given me some great cds of some of the artists he manages. jonathan rundman, another pastemusic.com artist played w/ the band on some of the songs. beki is great live; i thoroughly enjoyed the show. she's also very photogenic, i think. you guys should really go to pastemusic.com right now and buy her new cd (if you were at the paks for that birthday thing, i played her cd several times during that evening). and while you're at paste, you should pre-order the bill mallonee, eh?
so there i was enjoying beki's show, shooting away, when she sets up the intro to her last song called floating away which happens to be about dying. my spidey sense told me i might be in trouble and to brace my heart for the next few minutes. sure enough, beki told a story that her mom had told her about her (mom's) grandmother dying. i'm not going to tell it here (you can ask me if you want when you see me), but it was enough to plant a lump in my throat. then she sang the song, which really got my tear ducts irritated and that lump grew into a golf ball, and i could literally feel the still sore spots in my heart starting to throb again. i had to address the possibility that i might just break down in tears right there and then and had to breathe slowly. this was like a left hook out of nowhere. i mean, i don't go to concerts expecting to be reminded of my father and being forced to muster every ouce of socially conforming instinct in my being to maintain my composure in such a public place. sheesh. i can be so pathetic sometimes.
it's been exactly a month now since my dad died. maybe that's why i'm in such a pissy mood (cf. 6/1 post). i think i'm delving into the anger now. except i'm not really angry AT anybody. i'm not angry at god. i mean, really, he's been only really good to me and really accommodating. i suppose i struggle w/ being angry at myself because i was the last one to be w/ my dad that night before he slipped into his coma-like state, and sometimes i wonder if there was something i could've done, although i know it was his time for his suffering to be over. but i just can't help thinking sometimes that i should've noticed how hard his breathing was becoming and maybe told the nurse, or at least asked him if he was okay, but i didn't want to wake him, and little did i know that come morning, i wouldn't be ABLE to wake him. so yeah, i guess that's a bit of guilt i know isn't mine but nevertheless have been carrying around w/ me. and i suppose that could really piss a person off. i know part of it is that i want someone to blame, and i'm the closest person around so it might as well be me.
shouldn't this be getting easier by now?
soundtrack for today:
low resolution 1 & 2--zapruder point (appearing at the hideout this wednesday at 10pm part of chicago's finest hour thingie)
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
when your heartstrings break--beulah
other songs--ron sexsmith
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
so i went to beki hemingway's cd release party tonight at schubas. i'd been listening to the cd for several weeks now since her manager mike cameron gave it to me when i sat in on his meeting w/ tim. mike had asked me to shoot photos at the show, which i was happy to do since he had given me some great cds of some of the artists he manages. jonathan rundman, another pastemusic.com artist played w/ the band on some of the songs. beki is great live; i thoroughly enjoyed the show. she's also very photogenic, i think. you guys should really go to pastemusic.com right now and buy her new cd (if you were at the paks for that birthday thing, i played her cd several times during that evening). and while you're at paste, you should pre-order the bill mallonee, eh?
so there i was enjoying beki's show, shooting away, when she sets up the intro to her last song called floating away which happens to be about dying. my spidey sense told me i might be in trouble and to brace my heart for the next few minutes. sure enough, beki told a story that her mom had told her about her (mom's) grandmother dying. i'm not going to tell it here (you can ask me if you want when you see me), but it was enough to plant a lump in my throat. then she sang the song, which really got my tear ducts irritated and that lump grew into a golf ball, and i could literally feel the still sore spots in my heart starting to throb again. i had to address the possibility that i might just break down in tears right there and then and had to breathe slowly. this was like a left hook out of nowhere. i mean, i don't go to concerts expecting to be reminded of my father and being forced to muster every ouce of socially conforming instinct in my being to maintain my composure in such a public place. sheesh. i can be so pathetic sometimes.
it's been exactly a month now since my dad died. maybe that's why i'm in such a pissy mood (cf. 6/1 post). i think i'm delving into the anger now. except i'm not really angry AT anybody. i'm not angry at god. i mean, really, he's been only really good to me and really accommodating. i suppose i struggle w/ being angry at myself because i was the last one to be w/ my dad that night before he slipped into his coma-like state, and sometimes i wonder if there was something i could've done, although i know it was his time for his suffering to be over. but i just can't help thinking sometimes that i should've noticed how hard his breathing was becoming and maybe told the nurse, or at least asked him if he was okay, but i didn't want to wake him, and little did i know that come morning, i wouldn't be ABLE to wake him. so yeah, i guess that's a bit of guilt i know isn't mine but nevertheless have been carrying around w/ me. and i suppose that could really piss a person off. i know part of it is that i want someone to blame, and i'm the closest person around so it might as well be me.
shouldn't this be getting easier by now?
soundtrack for today:
low resolution 1 & 2--zapruder point (appearing at the hideout this wednesday at 10pm part of chicago's finest hour thingie)
sunday's best--ticklepenny corner
when your heartstrings break--beulah
other songs--ron sexsmith
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
warning. this post may be considered rated r for adult language. just an fyi for all you sensitive folk.
this was written earlier tonight at 21:35 cdt:
i am at palwaukee airport in the parking lot of the 94th aero squadron restaurant. i'm loitering i suppose. it's a beautiful night, i've got the windows rolled down, and 764-hero's latest cd is setting the mood for me. actually, the mood for the entire day was set this morning when i listened to my denison witmer comp cd. it was kind of downhill after his song yesterday, tomorrow which always makes me think of my dad. then i, being the genius that i am, put on damien's ghost of david, which contains what are to me the saddest songs on the planet. "forget him not, still he loves you/life is short, but love's eternal..." i am an idiot.
i have been in a funk all day. and today nothing seemed to help. everything i listened to depressed me. seeing the boys & keeko the dog--that was the highlight of my day, that and josh calling me. actually, josh calling me was the highlight and at the same time it depressed me even more because sometimes it's not enough to have your friend just a phone call away. i came to palwaukee cuz this is where i go when i miss josh. watching the planes land and take off & the soft glowing cobalt blue taxi lights and being at a little airport, the type of place where josh spends most of his time these days out in poughkeepsie--i guess it makes me feel a little closer to him. but sometimes it feels inadequate. it's rough. my life has changed in so many ways since josh left. and still he speaks truth into my life without even knowing it. when i talk to him it's like i've got wonderwoman's magic lasso around me, and i just tell it like it is. that's been one aspect of our friendship that i think is unique & why he's my best friend. i chose early on to be honest w/ him, even when it's self-incriminating or it hurts. being that honest w/ him is kind of a habit now & when i'm in denial or being selfdelusional, josh can see through it w/out even realizing it.
so here i am @ palwaukee. josh is in the air right now somewhere near the catskills. that's nice.
what a great 3 months i'm having. i lost my best friend to new york, my dad to cancer, and my husband to who knows. all in less than a fiscal quarter. and how do i feel about god & jesus & all that in the midst of this? well, i dunno. i feel ok i guess. at least i don't think god's out to hurt me or rip my heart to shreds. i don't care what other people say. god's alright in my book. other folks though--that's another issue altogether. the thought occurred to me today that it might not be a bad idea to build a barbed wire fence around my heart. some people might say that's not a good thing to do, to condemn my heart to barbed wire solitary confinement. well, ok, whatever. but i don't see anyone volunteering their own hearts when mine's being demanded for quartering and other forms of torture.
if it weren't for my splitting headache, i'd really be up for getting lit tonight. when i feel as shitty as i do right now, i just wanna get totally trashed to top it off & make my fucked up condition complete. oh, those of you not used to swear words...whatever. i'm not apologizing for anything tonight. i feel so fucking robbed right now...and i know the nice evangelical answer is , "but sarah, you have JESUS! =) what more could you ask for?" yeah, well you know what jesus is saying to me right now? he's saying NOTHING cuz he knows i don't want any b.s. canned answers right now. he ain't no dummy.
damn, i'm in a pissy mood. i'm not crying or anything. i'm too angry to cry. on a happier note, the 764-hero cd is really good. FUCKIN' A TO Z MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! somebody just shoot me please. now. what the hell is wrong w/ me? i know it's not pms. shit, this is worse.
well, i'm staying at my mom's tonite. i was supposed to go back to my apt. but there's no way i'm going there until my a/c is hooked up. last time i was there, it was 88 at like 1am. i really do want to go to hyde park vcf tomorrow...rand always has a way of calming me down...but it's just so far...i miss evanston vcf. maybe i'll go there tomorrow. i dunno. alright. i need some drugs...
today's soundtrack--
s/t (i think)--stuart davis
low resolution--zapruder point
denison witmer mix cd
ghost of david--damien jurado
s/t--claire holley
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
orange juice--annie quick (of stickman jones)
ok computer--radiohead
mp3s picked by tim
this was written earlier tonight at 21:35 cdt:
i am at palwaukee airport in the parking lot of the 94th aero squadron restaurant. i'm loitering i suppose. it's a beautiful night, i've got the windows rolled down, and 764-hero's latest cd is setting the mood for me. actually, the mood for the entire day was set this morning when i listened to my denison witmer comp cd. it was kind of downhill after his song yesterday, tomorrow which always makes me think of my dad. then i, being the genius that i am, put on damien's ghost of david, which contains what are to me the saddest songs on the planet. "forget him not, still he loves you/life is short, but love's eternal..." i am an idiot.
i have been in a funk all day. and today nothing seemed to help. everything i listened to depressed me. seeing the boys & keeko the dog--that was the highlight of my day, that and josh calling me. actually, josh calling me was the highlight and at the same time it depressed me even more because sometimes it's not enough to have your friend just a phone call away. i came to palwaukee cuz this is where i go when i miss josh. watching the planes land and take off & the soft glowing cobalt blue taxi lights and being at a little airport, the type of place where josh spends most of his time these days out in poughkeepsie--i guess it makes me feel a little closer to him. but sometimes it feels inadequate. it's rough. my life has changed in so many ways since josh left. and still he speaks truth into my life without even knowing it. when i talk to him it's like i've got wonderwoman's magic lasso around me, and i just tell it like it is. that's been one aspect of our friendship that i think is unique & why he's my best friend. i chose early on to be honest w/ him, even when it's self-incriminating or it hurts. being that honest w/ him is kind of a habit now & when i'm in denial or being selfdelusional, josh can see through it w/out even realizing it.
so here i am @ palwaukee. josh is in the air right now somewhere near the catskills. that's nice.
what a great 3 months i'm having. i lost my best friend to new york, my dad to cancer, and my husband to who knows. all in less than a fiscal quarter. and how do i feel about god & jesus & all that in the midst of this? well, i dunno. i feel ok i guess. at least i don't think god's out to hurt me or rip my heart to shreds. i don't care what other people say. god's alright in my book. other folks though--that's another issue altogether. the thought occurred to me today that it might not be a bad idea to build a barbed wire fence around my heart. some people might say that's not a good thing to do, to condemn my heart to barbed wire solitary confinement. well, ok, whatever. but i don't see anyone volunteering their own hearts when mine's being demanded for quartering and other forms of torture.
if it weren't for my splitting headache, i'd really be up for getting lit tonight. when i feel as shitty as i do right now, i just wanna get totally trashed to top it off & make my fucked up condition complete. oh, those of you not used to swear words...whatever. i'm not apologizing for anything tonight. i feel so fucking robbed right now...and i know the nice evangelical answer is , "but sarah, you have JESUS! =) what more could you ask for?" yeah, well you know what jesus is saying to me right now? he's saying NOTHING cuz he knows i don't want any b.s. canned answers right now. he ain't no dummy.
damn, i'm in a pissy mood. i'm not crying or anything. i'm too angry to cry. on a happier note, the 764-hero cd is really good. FUCKIN' A TO Z MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! somebody just shoot me please. now. what the hell is wrong w/ me? i know it's not pms. shit, this is worse.
well, i'm staying at my mom's tonite. i was supposed to go back to my apt. but there's no way i'm going there until my a/c is hooked up. last time i was there, it was 88 at like 1am. i really do want to go to hyde park vcf tomorrow...rand always has a way of calming me down...but it's just so far...i miss evanston vcf. maybe i'll go there tomorrow. i dunno. alright. i need some drugs...
today's soundtrack--
s/t (i think)--stuart davis
low resolution--zapruder point
denison witmer mix cd
ghost of david--damien jurado
s/t--claire holley
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
orange juice--annie quick (of stickman jones)
ok computer--radiohead
mp3s picked by tim
