Shutterbug Mama

well, i decided to leave work early (4:15--that's not TOO early for a friday, is it?). i figured traffic was gonna be a bear, and i have to take a shower and meet rt during his dinner break at 8, and after tuesday nite's disastrous backfiring of my "let's-wait-for-traffic-to-die-down" plan, i decided to brave the congestion...the only thing bad about that is that i really get crazy bored, and i sneaked a smoke in my rental car...i really am not smoking any more...i quit...not that i ever started...but i'm trying not to smoke at shows or even after eating out...i did have one at the place that my car got towed to because the guys in there were smoking, and i figured i needed a cig after everything i went through that night...but really, i'm trying not to smoke, so don't ask me for a cigarette cuz then i'll want one too...rt jokingly said we should have one when we went to dinner wednesday, but i was strong and i reminded him we'd quit...but today i wasn't so strong...oh well...

anyways, i'm probably gonna work all weekend...i have a project that's kicking my ass right now...that seems to happen pretty frequently these days...it's the same project that kept me up working all night long before i flew out to seattle in august...i have to produce the same file again, except that our vendor totally changed the specs and then gave me one week to turn it around. so i've basically been staring at the specs wondering what the hell i'm supposed to do...i'll have to figure it out between now and monday i suppose...

so today as i was driving home, i purposely drove in the left lane on the edens cuz i wanted to see if i could find the spot where i'd hit the median...we were going slow enough, and it was still light out, so sure enough, i saw this spot on that barrier w/ a big chunk on concrete broken off just south of the 36.02 milemarker. i was like, "YES!" cuz i was hoping after what that barrier did to my car that i'd at least left a little dent in it. i hope the insurance company totals it...i don't wanna drive my car anymore after what it's been through. rt says i should buy his outback cuz it's 4wheel drive and a lot safer, but i don't know...i was thinking more along the lines of an MG...yeah, right...i'll probably get some beater and try to only drive it around when i have to. we shall see...

i got 8 hours of sleep last night. wow. that's amazing. maybe it's cuz bill's in town and he's always telling me to get more sleep...well, if he asks tonight, i'll be able to say i got me a full 8 hours.

yes, bill mallonee of vigilantes of love is playing @ the empty bottle tonight. i think jake & kevin are gonna play with him too. that'll be so awesome to see them again! it's been like 6 months since i saw those guys! yay!

today's entry is rated ISA! for I'M STILL ALIVE!!

oh, it's true...i'm still kickin'...and punchin' too...rt & i sparred yesterday and he taught me some kung fu moves...oh my gosh it was so much fun! i punched him in the nose too! i'm going to kick his ass one of these days, i am i am i am...i am currently working on a 9th drunken god...it will be called drunken break dancer, and all moves will occur low to the ground, preferably on my back or side, with legs of fury and tricksy hands...subcategories within this style will be drunken caterpillar and drunken helicopter...

so yesterday i was a sorry little carless ragamuffin, and rt came and got me. i thought we were just gonna hang out or whatever, but rt said we were on vacation, and when he said that, it totally changed the way i looked at the day...it was magical, almost...so i really did take on the mindset that we were on vacation, even though we never left chicagoland and it was FREEZING...needless to say, it was an AWESOME one day vacation...

we started our little vacation at cold comfort cafe & deli on north & leavitt for brunch. it's a nice cozy place and totally empty on a wednesday at 11am. rt says it's packed on the weekends. the rest of the day was absolutely lovely...rt's childhood haunts....the drum pad (the country's largest drummers store) in palatine where i became acquainted w/ "the thunder maker" and the finger piano, my new favorite instruments...dundee, IL, a quaint little town on the fox river right out of a movie...drinking hot cocoas at kava kava, a coffeeshop in dundee while rt sketched a picture of the building across the street and i took photos...rt discovering for me that i could create a cool distorted effect w/ my wide angle lens by not attaching it to the camera...tour of rt's parents' house and hearing stories associated w/ all the rooms...playing piano and teaching rt to play mary had a little lamb w/ two hands...mexican guitarist and half a pitcher of margaritas and a shared enchiladas plate @ el molina's...watching the bachelorette in disbelief and yet mesmerized...kung fu moves and (bad) kung fu movie...kicking rt's ass on samurai showdown (actually, he kicked my ass more than i kicked his, but i had a bad hand from my car accident...)...long talk over tea...petting sniper the cat goodbye...seeing deer bound across the street on our way home at 4am...all in all, i couldn't have asked for a better one day vacation...

well, i ended up going to the doctor today to have my left hand looked at...when i woke up this morning, i couldn't do anything w/ it cuz it hurt so bad...it was ok yesterday, so i don't know what the deal is...i think it's from playing samurai showdown w/ rt...those game controls are a killer on the hand...anyways, i got worried i might have a tiny fracture or something...the last time i thought i had a bruised limb, i waited 10 days before getting it xrayed and i ended up having to have surgery to implant a pin in my finger, and i was wolverine for a few weeks...so i got to have xrays taken, although my doctor thinks it's just a really really bad bruise. the bruise is the size of my entire hand. yuck.

i am now driving a blue neon from alamo. rt & i were conveniently passing by ohare on the way home from his parents', so i had him drop me off at the rental place since i'd been planning on taking the blue line up there at 7am and then taking the shuttle bus to the alamo station...by having rt drop me off and doing the rental at 4 am as opposed to going there myself via cta at 8 am, i probably saved myself a good 2 hours. and 2 hours in the morning before 8 am are precious, precious to me...

i had my performance review at work today...2002 was a sucky year for me...my boss euphemistically put it as "not a typical year for sarah..." meaning i was not my stellar self...well, just think about it...based on the holmes rahe social readjustment scale, i scored over 400 life change units...300+ = 80% chance of illness, so i'd say mathematically speaking, i have 100% chance of getting sick. that means i've had an earth shatteringly life changing year...that's stressful, man...but my boss is so awesome...she's never once scolded me for being so unmotivated lately...and she really wanted to know what i wanted to do so i wouldn't want to leave...i doubted she'd let me implement an independent radio station for our locations for which i would pick out all the music...so i told her some things i was interested in doing, and she was really supportive. one of the things i want to do is facilitating training...that would mean i'd get to travel more! too bad we don't have any locations in seattle...i hope that works out...work...i'd rather not...but i must...starving musicians to support...

i found this poem in the notebook of my journal from last year...i showed it to rt and he liked it, so i guess i'll share it with the universe now...this was written the day before my dad died, while i was with him in the hospital...


i am on my hands and knees
digging furiously through
the dirt in which my
childhood is buried.
when did this garden get
so overgrown with
flowers and vines i
don't even remember
planting?

this is how i've been feeling lately...that whole catcher in the rye motif...i don't want to let go of my childhood...that's when things were safe, my dad was superman, and everything was new and fresh and full of wonder...i don't want to lose that connection to childhood, to that place of purity and wonderment...is that too much to ask??

rt made an interesting distinction between the "flowers" and the "vines", like the flowers are the good experiences, and the vines are the tight and constricting experiences...i didn't even think of it that way when i wrote it, but it makes sense...

well, i'm not sore this morning...not really...thank god for advil...rt is coming to pickup my carless sorry ass, and after breakfast he's gonna take me up to his old haunts where he grew up in the burbs. at least i have some one to keep me company today...

this morning i listened to 1991-1998 by the smoking popes.

p.s. if i DO die, my last will and testament is that caleb j d maskell gets all my instruments to disperse of as he wishes. but he must play the gibson at my funeral. the gibson is currently at the chicago music exchange, so he'll need to bail it out. there, caleb. that should work, right?

this entry is rated IGTBA! for I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE!!!!!

the following is an email to my boss:

"well, so i didn't leave work until probably 7:30 or something tonight, thinking i'd beat traffic by then, right...well, yeah, boy oh boy did i beat traffic...unfortunately, i would've been better off leaving at 4pm when it was 127 minutes from deerfield road to the loop, cuz that would've meant i was going 2 mph as opposed to the 60 mph i was going on the edens when my tire hit a little snow bank and my steering wheel decided to try to murder me by losing control and flinging me into a very very hard concrete barrier, which didn't like being smashed into and flung my car away, making it lose control through 3 lanes of traffic and spinning me around so that when i finished my oddessy, i was facing north in the southbound rightmost lane of the edens just south of old orchard. i though those cars coming at me head on were good samaritans stopping to help when i realized i was still actually in a driving lane and so i quickly managed to pull over to the shoulder, still facing the opposite direction as everyone else on that side of that really hard concrete barrier. my air bags had deployed and smashed the faceplate of my cd player, for which i was very sad.

no broken bones though. at least i don't think so...and the airbag must've done what it was supposed to cuz my face wasn't smashed in and my ribs weren't broken. my left hand might be broken though...i had this lump on it the size of a walnut, and it's blue...it looked like the cartoons when someone gets hit in the head w/ a hammer...a nice lovely perfectly round lump...

the cops were pretty surprised i walked away from that w/out any blood or something broken, not to mention the fact that nobody managed to hit me (or vice versa) as i veered totally out of control while everybody else was going at least 60 mph. after that though everything went pretty well...a cop came within 4 minutes of the accident cuz someone was nice enough to call which was a godsend cuz i had no idea what number to dial...all 3 cops (1 skokie cop and 2 state troopers) were cute and polite and let me sit in the back of their vehicles...did you know once youre in the back of a police car, you can't get out? i suppose it makes sense...and did you know they don't have cushions back there? it's totally PLASTIC and hard as hell...i really couldn't have picked a better spot for an accident because my mom lives really close to the old orchard exit, but she didn't even have to come get me there, cuz the tow truck (FREE! care of the state...or your tax dollars i guess) took me to a body shop just a mile from her house.

i'm safe and sound at my apartment right now...i'm still surprised i'm not dead...it's funny...as i was in total noncontrol crossing 3 lanes of traffic, the thought that went through my mind was , "oh, crap...this isn't a video game..."

after 12 years of impeccable driving, i'm making up for lost time in 6 months...2 accidents in august, a speeding ticket in december, somebody did a hit & run number on my back bumper a couple weeks ago, and now this...my insurance will probably give me the boot...i think i'm going to go carless...

so that's my story, and i think it's enough to last the whole week.

i guess it's a good thing i took a vacation day tomorrow...i'm still gonna go out and have fun though...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...

see y'all on thursday, and drive really safe cuz there are crazy folks out there on them roads. like me. actually, i won't be back on the roads until thursday, so you can breathe easy until then.

i really am fine so don't worry about me!"

end transmission.

so yeah, that was my big excitement of the night. i told rt that i think some force out there is trying to kill me. like remember last month when i got hit by that car while crossing the street? ok, so i only got knocked to the ground, and i walked away from that one too, but still...it's weird...i now have a bruise on my right knee to match the bruise i got from that incident on my left knee. ugh...rt told me we need to go to atlanta so i can go to defensive driving school. that's where he went and took driving classes, the kind that race car drivers would have to go through...now none of you will ever get in a car with me i bet...wait till ryan hears about this...tonight was driving by braille the size of tree stumps...

and the morale of the story is, you don't know when you're gonna die, so make it a good one. and i just wanna tell you all out there that I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE YOU!!! I REALLY REALLY DO!!!

p.s. funny thing is when i got home tonight, i had an email from my friend brandon in bloomington that ended: "hope you're still alive!" like how weird is that?! and before leaving work, i had sent rt an email that ended "i'm still scared to leave work..." and then my previous post, that little poem about death and his arrows...shit, i had no idea that i was a frickin' target too! speaking of targets, i'm gonna have my first (and probably only) archery lesson on feb 15th. i can't wait!!!

today i was listening to loud, fast ramones when i did my own loud fast number...and then i listened to no depression when i got home.

sunday night after work, i went over to my mom's to take a shower cuz my pipes were frozen...my brother was at a super bowl party, so i think she was pretty glad to see me...i have to be honest with you...going over there is really hard for me because i miss my dad so much whenever i go there...his presence lingers in every nook and cranny in that place...while i was there, i found my notebook in which i'd written journal entries, misc notes to self, letters to josh i never sent and a few poems during my dad's last month and right after he died...it was so weird reading through it...i don't even remember having that notebook because i was always blogging on this thing...crimeny, i must have been writing CONSTANTLY...

there was a letter in there that i'd written to my dad...it was in korean...i know i wrote it during the last few days of his life because it was when i had started to spend the night in his hospital room...and it reminds me that i was the last person to be w/ my dad while he was still conscious and could speak and respond...

these are a few quotes from the notebook...

"cancer is the devil's love child with himself..."

"today my father turned 64 in a hospital room with hospital food surrounded by hospital things..."

"time is irritating me by being so stubbornly headed forward ignoring my pleas to slow down..."

"my emotions are playing tricks on me and have decided all of a sudden to be shrouded in a layer of mystery that i just can't penetrate. i am having a hard time figuring out what the heck is going on inside of me."

"death is shooting arrows.
his aim is sure;
his target--my father"

on a lighter note, my mom let me play uncle tupelo's march 16-20, 1992 album for her...when i first got no depression a while back, she put that one on herself...i explained to her why uncle tupelo was so important, who jay farrar and jeff tweedy were, about son volt and wilco...she listened and nodded politely. she told me she finds the music interesting, and she wants to hear it because i love it so much. i wonder if she'd get into bikini kill...i doubt it...

been listening to--
murray street--sonic youth
one beat--sleater-kinney
dig me out--sleater-kinney
reject all american--bikini kill
nemesisters--babes in toyland
s/t--le tigre
hungry for stink--l7
repeater--fugazi
steady diet of nothing--fugazi
argument--fugazi
a brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
entertainment!--gang of four
raw stooges--iggy & the stooges
summer teeth--wilco
march 16-20, 1992--uncle tupelo
substance--joy division
loud, fast ramones--the ramones

well, the burnt popcorn incident would've blown over quietly if nobody had used the microwave today...since that is not the case, the pantry once again smells of burnt popcorn...they need to figure out a better bag or something to prevent popcorn from burning to a crisp...or require that people who buy microwave popcorn have a shred more intelligence than people like, say, myself...

so anyways...saturday afternoon after the photoshoot at the pulaski park fieldhouse, i went to go see my friend john b. who has been working on building a solar powered electric truck for about as long as i've been friends w/ him, which is like over four years...john taught me everything i know about databases that i didn't already know intuitively...he let me pirate all his code for work...we used to share an office together 5 months out of the year for a couple years, and we would talk for hours and hours about anything and everything under the sun. john is the one who introduced me to environmental issues and eating vegetables in mass quantities. i would also have to credit john for shaking me out of my slumber those years when i was floundering about not knowing who i was. he really challenged me to think critically for myself...i don't think i'd be where i am now without his influence. he's been a huge support for me these past several years and we always have a ton of fun...like when he introduces me to his friends as his love child from back when he was serving in viet nam.

anyways, john has the distinction of having the only solar powered apartment flat in the city of chicago. and i was there when he had his solar debut party when he pulled the switch from ComEd to sunpower. so saturday afternoon, john was finally putting the engine of the electric truck he's been slaving over back on the chassis. this was another one of those milestones, so of course i showed up for it. there were a couple people there filming the event and interviewing john for a documentary that a show on the A&E channel is doing on john because he's such an interesting person. did i mention he's also a master ceramicist? and can play the piano? and speaks fluent french? and is an outfitter for wilderness canoe trips to quetico provincial park in canada's boundary waters? i went on a week long canoe trip w/ john a few years ago, and being in the wilderness like that changed my whole perspective on life. i was the only girl on the trip, but good ol' john didn't let me play princess...he made me do a little bit of EVERYTHING, including portaging a canoe all by my little self. thank god it was the shortest portage on the trip. yeah, it's about time y'all met john...he's a pretty important figure in my life.

after the solar roller event, i went to the garden lounge, the coffeehouse @ the evanston vineyard that my friend chris langill runs. i credit chris w/ putting me on the track to discovering indie music back in the day. it's been a while since the last coffeehouse, so this was kind of a new season opener. it was totally packed! i couldn't believe it...it was more crowded than wedding receptions that have taken place in that space...it was a cd release party for andi & i, a husband and wife indie folk rock/pop duo. andi, the wife, has one of the most soulful voices i've ever heard. i love hearing and watching her perform.

it was quite a varied show, opening up w/ andy young on hammer dulcimer & al on guitar playing some celtic music...then andi joined them...and later mike choby the most amazing bass player ever (he inspired me to take bass lessons) got on stage...then the drummer (tim?)...then the keyboard player...it was a full band, and they got pretty funky...they actually did a version of kung-fu fighting w/ the disco ball spinning around...and in between, there was a lovely song that al sang for andi (tupelo honey by van morrison) and even an andi impersonation contest which was pretty hilarious. i had to leave just when things started getting funky (funk rules!) because i had a chinupchinup/appleseed cast show to go to @ the empty bottle. all in all, though, i'd say it was a smashing success of an evening.

i missed chinupchinup, which is ok cuz i see them like all the time. i'm sure they played well. they were pretty tight when i saw them a couple months ago. rt was there already talking business w/ chris from chinupchinup when i arrived for the show. i didn't really get much of a chance to talk to him cuz he was busy talking business, i guess. but he did watch appleseed cast w/ me cuz i wanted him to see their drummer play. i LOVE ac's drummer! he is soooooooo NUTS!! i inevitably end up just watching josh the drummer because he's so frickin' mesmerising!! i swear, i think he drank an entire gallon of water during the show--he was drinking out of a PITCHER. i'm always scared he's going to go into cardiac arrest, the way he plays and all...his performance alone was worth the price of admission...but then you add on top of that the absolutely beautiful guitars...and the keys add a nice spacey touch...it's all good...pete missed the show cuz his flight got in late, and the roads were all snowy...next time though!

serene is starting another tour wednesday...unfortunately, jesse's not drumming w/ them cuz of stuff going on at home...i'm soooooo bummed...this means i'll have to go out to seattle sometime soon to see him...and if i don't go to SXSW, i'll have to DEFINITELY go to seattle so i can see ian too. i just got an email from him telling me i gotta come and hang w/ the fam...i totally totally want to!!! if i go to SXSW, i'll go on thurs night, make it in for the arena rock records showcase and see ian and his band...and there are so many others...damien jurado...IDLEWILD...death cab...etc etc etc...speaking of idlewild, they're playing the double door on 3/21!!!! eeek!!! an idlewild concert i can WALK TO!!!! i ran into my friend butta, chicago's bootleg master, at the appleseed cast show, and he gave me a heads up on it. i'd given him a mix cd of idlewild songs at the last appleseed cast show. oh, remember that song i wrote about my buttons last week? well, it turns out butta wrote a poem about buttons too! but he calls them pins. is that weird or what!

ok. that's it for now...

this entry is rated P for pathetic.

you know how on microwave popcorn, the instructions say not to leave popcorn unattended while it's popping? well...that's a good tip to follow...and when you're popping popcorn in your office pantry, it should be MANDATORY...

yes, it's superbowl sunday, and i'm at work, and yes, i left the pantry while the popcorn was in the microwave, and yes it burned something awful...i went and got the security guard because i was afraid the smoke would set off the fire alarm, and then the lake forest fire department would be taken away from their superbowl activities, and i'd never hear the end of it from my coworkers...i think we're okay now...the fire alarm would've gone off by now, and i turned on the vent/fan on the microwave...the entire half of the first floor smells like burnt something or another...great...it's where the CEO's office is...thank god i didn't use the executive pantry...my ass would be toast on monday...i just hope the smell is gone by tomorrow...it's not like i can open a window or anything...i hate big corporate buildings with windows that don't open...

i'm such an idiot...i mean, when i wanna cook, i can make something quite tasty...then i go and do something like burning microwave popcorn...when bruce & i first started dating, i couldn't even boil water...literally...

well, the good thing about working when no one is here is that i can play music i normally don't get to play during normal business hours, like bikini kill, and i can play it as LOUD as i want...or as loud as my speakers can handle...more later...

so i totally forgot about my archery clinic w/ the lincoln park archery club today...it was about noon when i remembered, and it had started at 11am...by the time i got there at pulaski park, just about a mile from my apartment, there were only a couple people left. the instructor was still there, though, and he gave me a business card for someone who gives private archery lessons. it's all the way out in forest park, but i think my friends john & jon want to take the lessons too so maybe we could drive together...

anyways, i got the info i needed, and then i did a photoshoot right there on the grounds of the pulaski park fieldhouse...it's a pretty impressive building, actually. old...big...really turn of the century chicago...it was crowded w/ neighbourhood kids running around...i really liked the long hallway that overlooks the park in the back. i love long hallways in general...the angles they create are just so cool...

it was a lovely day today...i mean it must have been a balmy 27 degrees or something! wow! that's a heat wave compared to what we've had lately. it felt so good to be outdoors...i realized today that i don't get a lot of time w/ the sun these days since i basically go to work and then come home when it's way after the sun's gone down...the weekend is my only chance for time w/ the sun...so i really need to stop wasting time and get out there...maybe if i stopped staying up until 5 am on a worknight, i wouldn't have to catch up on my sleep on the weekends...we'll see...

so i finished reading life after god by douglas coupland for the upteenth time at around 5am this morning...that book just kills me every time...and this time it was even more significant because i've changed so much since the last time i read it, which was last march...last march when the rollercoaster ride a.k.a. my life began rolling...reading this book again was like looking into a clear pool of water and seeing my reflection...i don't know how doug coupland does it, but when he writes, it's like he's writing MY story...i'm sure everybody in my generation who reads that book feels the same way, esp. if they've got a few screws loose in their heads like me...

the last story really got to me...it's about the narrator's chilhood circle of friends and how they've ended up as adults...a generation that was raised without faith or beliefs...reading the story made me think of my own friends...how we've changed, stayed the same, gotten closer, gotten further apart...there's this one passage in that story that really resonates deeply with me...it's one of the narrator's friends who's speaking...

"i think about this...i think about how hard it is--even with the desire, and even with the will and the time--i think of how hard it is to reach that spot inside us that remains pure that we never manage to touch but which we know exists--and i try to touch that spot...man, what else is there? i've never touched that spot yet, but i'm still trying...oh, i know you guys think my life is some big joke--that it's going nowhere. but i'm happy. and it's not like i'm lost or anything. we're all too fucking middle class to ever be lost. lost means you had faith or something to begin with and the middle class never really had any of that. so we can never be lost. and you tell me, scout--what is it we end up being, then--what exactly is it we end up being then--instead of being lost?"

i'm looking for that pure spot inside me...i don't know why, but i need to touch something pure...and i want it to be something inside me...but unlike todd in this story, i did have faith to begin with...so does that mean i'm lost now?? sometime i feel lost, and sometimes i feel found...i swing on this pendulum of various extremes...back and forth, back and forth...life after god...what is there to life after god?

i'm going to the evanston garden lounge to see andi and i. then it's to the empty bottle for chinup chinup and appleseed cast. today i listened to fugazi's argument. that's all.

AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok. i feel much better now...

i grossly underestimated the scope of my current project at work, and it's been kicking my ass all day long...oh well. that happens to me a lot lately. i wonder why?

i just called my ex and we had a nice chat. exchanged details about our respective lives...i don't remember the last time we talked. he seems to be happy. that's good. i'm bringing home my cat in february...i miss aberdeen, but he's really bruce's cat emotionally...he'll have to learn to like living w/ a girl...he much prefers the company of men, i think.

you know what i like? i like pumkin ice cream. and scraggly looking fuschia flowers from the cheap pile.

i will take a nap when i get home...i will take a nap when i get home...i will take a nap when i get home...

ok. so how was i supposed to know that massaging a back for too long can damage it? rt thought his back was doing real good after the numerous hours of massage he got the past couple days...then he calls me from work around 8:30 and tells me his back is really, really sore and that he found out from a coworker that massaging the back for over 90 minutes at a time can DAMAGE IT!! uh oh...i think i inadvertently messed up rt's back...

i went to my mom's house after work, and out of the blue, i remembered that the ticklepenny corner show @ uncommon ground was in like 45 minutes, so i rushed out of there and into the city. i had planned on taking a nap this evening, but it was not to be...that's okay though because i got to see a FULL BAND show...and they did a bunch of songs off their new album which they're currently recording in minneapolis.

it was a good show...noah, the lead singer, told me after the show that the band hadn't practiced in weeks, but they sounded great, i thought. beth & noah are going to be in nashville when i go out there for the folk alliance thingie. noah said they're gonna play like 4 times during that festival. i just bought my plane ticket for nashville today. i can only go for the weekend portion, but i'm sure i'll get to see all our people play.

is it friday yet? thank goodness...this week seemed like it was soooooo long...i need a rest...

there goes the fear again...

i wonder what the world would be like if humanity weren't bound by fear...fear of failure...fear of being hurt...fear of abandonment...fear of intimacy...fear of turning out like our parents...fear of being alone...fear of death...

perfect love casts out all fear...that's in the bible somewhere, isn't it?

but what happens when you're afraid of love? what then?

i made a decision recently to not allow myself to be pushed away by fear...

sometimes i see people who need someone to not be afraid and to simply love them just the way they are, someone to not give up on them even when they push everyone away, someone who will keep loving, gently but firmly...

and i'm praying for the fear to be gone...from you and from me...so that we can love the way love was meant to be done...

been listening to:
nemesisters--babes in toyland
the pace is glacial--seam
control--pedro the lion
ask me tomorrow--mojave3
s/t--jimmy eat world
waters ave south--damien jurado
i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song

this entry is rated MSG for me so groggy...

i gotta say...trader joe's knows how to par-tay like it's 1999. it was fun meeting all the people rt works w/ and talks about. now when he tells me what a crazy fool t. is, i can put a crazy face to the crazy story...

it was great getting all that free wine and food...they's got some nice CHEAP wine...five bucks goes a loooooong way in their liquor department.

they did a frozen turkey/frozen ham bowl down the frozen aisle knocking down 10 water bottle pins...there were prizes and everything. there were also knocked down displays and broken bottles by the time that game was through.

after this shindig, rt's cohorts invited us out to stroga nona or something like that, a bar on southport near grace...rt didn't want to go at first...i think he was more concerned about getting his back rub in before the evening was over...but then someone mentioned they had $2 martinis on wednesday nights, and rt changed his mind...so we all went over to stroga nona's where we took over half the bar and ordered a lot of cosmopolitans...rt had his favorite, a melon martini, which is a lot like a melon ball, me & josh's drink of choice. some of the trader joe associates got into an arm wrestling tourney. rt is the standing champ from the late shift, but he didn't participate last night, although he told me that while i was in the restroom he had beaten everyone, but i know that's a lie because there's no way in hell anyone can beat jj. rt does have very strong arms, though. maybe cuz he's a drummer.

so i think i'm going to write the head honchos at trader joes and tell them they need me to work for them as like a community arts liaison. i was thinking it would be cool if each trader joes played music by local bands, so i would gather up music from the different regions and pick out playlists for the stores. that way we'd promote local artists AND probably be able to provide some good indie music to the customers in the process. i would also develop relationships w/ small independent theatre groups and support them somehow, maybe by providing snacks for rehearsals or something. and then i'd find local visual artists whose work we could display in the stores...like my photography for instance...it's just that i noticed that a good portion of the associates at the chicago store were somehow in the arts, either music or theatre...well, we'll see...i still dream about having a job that will pay me good money to just create playlists...i make AWESOME playlists, in my opinion. ask anyone who i've made a mix cd for.

this entry is rated G for groggy...

well, i think the nap did me SOME good...sheesh...rt's on his way to pick me up for a TRADER JOE party!! woohoo!!! it's for the employees only, but rt gets to bring someone so i get to partake of the riches of that which is trader joe's...after hours...yeah!!!...free food and booze...that's what i'm talkin' about!

this entry is rated TBH for tired but happy.

can you believe it? it's 5 pm and i'm HOME!!! i succeeded in crossing off everything on my to-do list at work today, and i busted my ass so i could leave early, and by some traffic miracle, there were no delays on the roadways and i got home in like 40 minutes as opposed to 80 minutes. it's actually still light out...i can't remember the last time i came home from work while it was still light out...

i didn't really get much sleep last night. that's what happens when you don't wear a watch and you have no idea what time it is and you lose all track of time while you're engrossed in conversation...

i watched zoolander again w/ rt last night...i guess someone told him he looks like ben stiller in that movie...i don't think so...he's too tall...well maybe the forehead action..i don't know...

so anyways, like i said me & rt's little postal system experiment worked beautifully...in some ways, it was dumb cuz i had that letter w/ me when i was at his apartment like 3 times in one week, and what do i do? i make mj find me a mailbox that i could deposit it into like 2 blocks from their apartment...it wouldn't have been an experiment without seeing if it would reach rt the way i had it addressed...

i think i'm gonna take a nap...i'm way exhausted...

this entry is rated CAS for clean and sober.

well, me & rt's little postal system experiment was a smashing success! he got my letter without me using any stamps! it worked! he's bringing it over now so i can see what the u.s. postal system stamped on it...

pizza and movie and beer...i'm sooooooooooooooooooooo hungry!!! where is that rt??!!

i'm burning incense...patchouli...yum...megan would KILL me...heeheehee...i can't wait for her & jt to be in town. woohoo!!!

this entry is rated CLBG for clean language bad grammar. even the rating is bad grammar. shit. oh crap now i have to change the rating already. ok MLBG. mild language bad grammar.

anyways...i worked like frickin' 12 hours today...damn fedexes...but the peoples gots to be paid, so i obliged...i started getting a bit loopy towards the end of the day...i put my holden caulfield equivalent hat on in the office even though i wasn't a bit cold...my v.p. walked by my office, saw me wearing the hat and asked me if i was cold...i said no and didn't explain why i was wearing the hat...i felt silly saying it's my holden caulfield equivalent hat...he gave me this weird look, and he's like, 'are you on drugs? i'm gonna have a talk w/ your boss...' it's just a hat...people wear hats all the time...maybe not in a corporate office during work hours but who gives a flying baboon's ass? anyways, as i was driving home at approx. 7:30 pm, i noticed a weird looking moon in the eastern sky, so i decided to take a little detour into evanston to the beach by the lighthouse where i've seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets and moonrises and starlight and all that wonderful stuff. the beach was deserted when i got there. of course it was. it's frickin' january for crimeny's sake!! only stupid people like me go for a walk alone on the beach in the dead of january in chicago. but i didn't mind the cold. well, okay, i did. but it was worth it to hear the sound of the waves...i love the sound of natural huge bodies of water...especially at night when your visuals go dim and your sense of hearing is heightened in the dark...

i love this beach...it's tiny, but no one's ever really there, even in the summer...the sand is kinda hard now, and there's piles of snow along the waterfront...it was like walking on the moon...i always go there to be alone...not that i'm not usually alone, but it's just one of those places that's kind of a haven for me where i can talk to myself without feeling like a freak...and i like having that lighthouse right there...there's something about a beacon of light that is comforting to me...it's so steady and faithful...

sometimes i just talk to the air...the open space...i love wide open spaces...the sky has been a friend to me for as long as i can remember...i've always looked to the sky in wonderment, be it day or night...and the sky is so big over the lake...it's relatively dark at this beach, so when it's clear out, you can see the constellations...shooting stars and stars in general do still break my heart...i want to kiss the stars sometimes because they're just so damn beatiful...

after nearly suffering frostbite, i went back to my car and thawed out a bit...then i decided to go home the long way, the pretty way, the CURVY way, the FUN way down sheridan road...god, i love that drive...except tonight there were some exceptionally slow drivers out...i'm sorry, but 25mph is not acceptable when there's NO FRICKIN' TRAFFIC!!! those slow cars almost took all the fun out of the curves for me...

so i had me a nat shermans while driving down sheridan, and i was flying high as a kite...driving through evanston down sheridan brings back so many happy memories, some of which even include bruce...drove by beaches i've done photoshoots and hung out at journaling and smoking bidis on the rocks...drove by loyola park where i spent one of my favourite summers being a beach bum...drove by the street where josh & lielle lived for the winter last year...drove by my first apartment out of college on estes...i am such a hopeless sentimental fool...well, i really needed a beer...so i decided to call pete to see what he was up to, and it just so happened that as i was headed south towards the city, my hyde park boys pete & sam were headed north towards uptown to go thrifting for half-off mondays @ unique thrift shoppe on sheridan and wilson, so i met up w/ them there.

after a bit of thrifting, we drove down to the clubhouse next to the metro where the extremely sold out zwan show was going on. between the 3 of us, i think we bought like 15 buttons or something. we're nuts. i told sam when i die, i wanna be buried w/ all my buttons. oh wait, i'm gonna be cremated...i'm gonna have to rethink this one...anyways, after the clubhouse, we found this little alcove next door w/ a HEAT LAMP and walls dotted w/ colored stars!!! those of you who know me know i'm crazy about stars! so i made sam & pete participate in a photoshoot. i think they look so cool...sam smoking his cig and pete on his cell phone. with his mother. ha ha ha!

after the miniphotoshoot, the three of us went to mcd's for a pee break...none of us really wanted food there, so we decided that the only sane thing to do was to head to the hollywood grill...and so we did...pete & i wanted like eggs or omlettes but we also really wanted beer, and we thought it best not to mix the two so we had our standard grill cheeses. i love eating w/ pete. he always eats off my plate. i gotta say that MGD tasted so good after the crazy work day i had today. and it's always nicer to drink beer w/ other people. esp. people like pete & sam. i love those guys! they're my southside version of olarn and connolly. i just wish pete & amy wouldn't move away.

so yeah, that was my night...some alone time to unwind at the beach on a lovely cold january night and then hanging w/ my hyde park boys...

now i promised megan i'd be in bed by 2 so i think i'll end it here...wait...one more song...

love song by driving by braille
hey mister, i want me some buttons!
do you have bikini kill
or maybe L7?
and i want the clash
or how bout babes in toyland?
and for my hyde park boys
that skull would be nice
and that anti-drug marlboro one
would look great on sam
and when i die
stick these buttons in my heart
cuz i likes my buttons
and that ain't no lie

goodnight.

today i listened to--
love is here--starsailor
nemesisters--babes in toyland
hungry for stink--L7
very emergency--the promise ring
wood/water--the promise ring
blind--the sundays
static & silence--the sundays
s/t--the velvet underground
summershine--vigilantes of love
being there disc 2--wilco
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
dust--screaming trees
loveless--my bloody valentine

self-imposed rating: uhm...i'd say pg-13...i don't know...at what age do you start using words like ASS? oops..ok whatever...

my job is currently kicking my ASS big time. i just wolfed down my lunch cuz i have like 80 fed exes to send out. i will probably get sick once i get home...

i'm surviving on adrenaline and the velvet underground and the sundays and the promise ring. oh and the vigilantes of love. summershine just came on! it's gonna be a better day from here on out...i love bill...

i think i'll write a song before i leave my lunchbreak...here goes...

mondays kick my ass by driving by braille
MONDAYS KICK MY ASS
I DON'T WANNA WORK!
I DON'T WANNA WORK!
I JUST WANNA NAP!
WANNA NAP LIKE A CAT!
LIE IN THE SUN ALL DAY
DOING NOTHING BUT PURRING AWAY!
WHY CAN'T I BE A CAT?
WHAT BE WID DAT?
EH?! EH?! EH?! EH?!
TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME WHY!!!

back to breaking my back for beer bucks...

it's < 7:30 am and i am in the office already w/ both computers blazing...this can only mean one thing...the end of the world is at hand!!! the earth will flip on its axis then moonwalk 492,829 miles closer to the sun!!! saturn will shed its rings!!! the milkyway will turn into yoghurt!!! orion will finally shoot that damn arrow of his and put his arms down for once and for all!!!

i got like 1.68 hours of sleep last night, but i was fine...excited about wearing my new holden caulfield hat (and i got matching mittens to boot which i didn't mention before...the type of mittens w/ fingers that hide away ya know?)...really liked my new babes in toyland cd driving in to work...everything was unusually good for a monday morning...made a lot of noise going into my office so whoever happened to be in would know that i was here at 7:15am as opposed to the way i usually tiptoe in at ~10 am...i turned on my computers...yadayadayada...and then as soon as i heard the windows musical greeting, i had a pavlovian reaction and i crashed...heavy eyelids...blurry head...twitching right side of the face...the works...shit...i don't normally drink coffee but for the sake of keeping my job cuz i have a zilliongatrillionabillion things to do today i think i will consume some caffeine...i could really use some trader joe's chocolate covered espresso beans right about NOW...

but on my merry way to work this morning, i mulled over the idea for my band. yes, i'm gonna have a band, even if it's only in the recesses of my imagination...i've come up with a name...it will be called DRIVING BY BRAILLE...yes, that's how i normally drive in seattle according to my friend ryan...and i've written my first song for the band. here it is...are ya ready?? ok...

the abc song by driving by braille a.k.a. yours truly a.k.a. sarah-ji
AY BEE CEE DEE EEE EF GEE!!!
AITCH AYE JAY KAY EL EM EN OH PEE!!!
QUE ARE ES TEE YOU VEE!!!
DOUBLE-YOU EX WHY AND ZEE!!!
NOW I KNOW MY AY BEE CEES!!!
NEXT TIME DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME!!!

it's a short one, as will all our songs be...

i've gotten such a potty mouth lately, haven't i? or shall i say potty fingers since i'm typing? well, i would like to take this opportunity to apologize to rand, my little cousins, my brother, and i hope to god my mother doesn't know about this thing...some people are more sensitive than others to that kind of language...since i'm not going to censor myself, maybe i should come up w/ a rating system for each entry...like "this entry rated R for the 'F' word and bad grammar" or something like that...then my gentler readers can skip it. i don't know...if you happen to read this thing and you would prefer i gave warning please email me. otherwise i will cuss to my heart's content. over and out.

tonight's entry is an email to a friend modified to protect the guilty (which includes myself)...

today was a weird day for me...this whole weekend has been weird...i spent a lot of time alone and wrapped up in my thoughts, which is not always a good thing...today i kept my promise to caleb & pierre and dropped off my gibson @ chicago music exchange to be set up...then i browsed the used cd store and i bought modern english's after the snow (i'll stop the world and melt with you...that song always makes me teary-eyed), babes in toyland & L7 cuz i'm getting into the whole riot grlll genre, morrisey's your arsenal cuz morrisey rules, screaming trees and starsailor just becuz, and most importantly motley crue's greatest hits because it had my favourite song from my youth on it--home sweet home which i'm listening to now on repeat (you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold...)...then i bought a blue gingham shirt cuz it was like five bucks and i've been looking for a snapbutton blue gingham shirt for months...then i bought a coat with the name HOWIE stiched on it, maybe in hopes of becoming someone else...becoming HOWIE...because HOWIE seemed like a great person to be at the moment...i also bought a multicolored wool hat which i have decided is going to be my equivalent of holden caulfield's hunting cap...i am still wearing it now as i sit in my jammies writing this...

after my little sentimental shopping spree, i called up one of my best friends from high school olarn and we decided to meet for dinner...as i drove up to the northside where he lives, i went past some of my old (and recent) haunts...put on wilco's being there disc one and listened to misunderstood (when you're back in your old neighbourhood...the cigarettes taste so good...but you're so misunderstood...there's something there that you can't find...honest when you're tellin' a lie...you hurt her but you don't know why...you love her but you don't know why...)...

drove down broadway past the uptown bank...the building on broadway & catalpa across the street from st. ita's where my jr high friend jin & i played w/ her grandma's mutt of a dog charlie running around on the roofs, where the buildings are so close together we had a football field of asphalt as our playground and we ran and ran and ran as only children can...i drove down ridge ave...past the laundryland where i would go w/ my mom to do our laundry when i was only as tall as the washing machines...past the corner store on ridge and glenwood that was owned by my friend sandra's dad "poppy" where i would buy jolly rancher sticks for a dime (i bought way too many of those) just metres away from our first apartment in the usa...past the corner of clark & ridge where the jack in the box used to be where i'd have tacos w/ my childhood playmate ruthie before our tae kwon do class every day (gross, i know...what were we thinking...)...past my jr high apartment at paulina & ridge across from the heart of chicago motel...down peterson to california where i got gas at the bp amoco where i bought my first pack of cigarettes over a decade ago...around the corner down washtenaw to thorndale, a half block from my first boyfriend's apartment, a half block from where my best friend josh grew up and where his parents still live...to the stop sign at thorndale and california where my alma mater stephen tyng mather high school is located, where you can see the windows to the swimming pool where i have fond memories of the boys' swim team that many of my friends were on...down south on california to olarn's house on catalpa...picked up olarn, got a call from our other friend connolly whom we amazingly ran into at the corner of thorndale & california at the stop sign by the school swimming pool...followed connolly to his apartment so he could drop off his car...and we drove to the olive garden at mccormick & touhy...

over minestrone & salad, the three of us talked as only close friends can...about love and relationships and friendship...

after dinner, we went to dunkin donuts for coffee, and sitting on the stools looking out the window in between my connolly and olarn, i realised that i had it good...these two boys are devoted to me and love me unconditionally, and what more can a girl ask for in this life?...they've seen me through the breakup of my marriage, losing josh to new york, losing my dad the only man i've ever truly felt loved by, heartbreak after heartbreak, mistake after mistake...and they're always there for me...

driving back home after dropping off the boys, i drove down lincoln ave...noticed that hubbs the greekish fast food joint where my friends and i have hung out since high school got a facade lift...noticed that the brand new police station was open for business at berwyn & lincoln...drove past sulzer regional library where i would go in high school to do my "serious" research...drove down damen, a street which means so much to me these days...past xippo, the bar where i came face to face w/ the realisation of my own potential for evil 3 weeks ago...and i realised how much i love this city...the floodgate of memories opening wide and pouring over me as i reflected on the evening...listening to wilco's via chicago (searching for a home, searching for a home, searching for a home via chicago)...and i knew that i would be leaving chicago someday, that i had to leave and go to a place without ghosts and memories at every corner...and the tears welled up at roscoe and damen...it felt warm enough to roll my windows all the way down as i had my first cigarette of the evening...and i drove down damen, the path i took so many nights after being with my dad in the hospital...over the bridge at clybourn which to me symbolises the turning point, the access point between my old life and my new life on my own at my bucktown apartment...and as i passed the onramp to the kennedy at webster & damen, i prayed that god, wherever and whoever he was, would not let me go...

and with my heart brimming w/ a whole spectrum of emotions, i drove and drove, past churchill which is where i should have turned...and i drove past a friend's apartment where i learned so much about who i was by finding out who i wasn't...down the kennedy to the eisenhower to morgan to harrison to halstead at the corner where the UIC dorms are, the corner dormroom on the 4th floor where i spent countless hours my freshman year w/ my friends as they cut class and played cards while i listened to cheesy korean pop and stared out the window that overlooked the downtown skyline and daydreamed my first quarter of college away...down halstead past UIC's circle center...to taylor...down to loomis...to the parking lot by the two towers...back on taylor to racine to harrison past the jewel parking lot where i parked my car the first day of college because i didn't know where the hell to park...past parking lot 1b by the Behavioral Science Building where i ended up parking my freshman year...down may st...down polk past fontana subs where i'd gone since i was a kid except it was on the opposite side of the street from where i remembered it being...back to halstead...past zorbas where we would eat in the middle of the night my freshman year of college...down madison past morgan where the starbucks is that rt & i sat in and talked last last friday...down washington past the museum of holography...down to the loop...to lake and wacker where i parked the car and did a photoshoot beneath the green line 'L' tracks on the bridge over the chicago river...i've always wanted to do a photoshoot from one of these bridges downtown...i always pick cold nights for photoshoots, i don't know why, but i was glad i had my hat...i love the loop...i love the 'L' tracks...

and then i drove home...and i felt good...photoshoots always put me in a better mood...

and i came home to the news that someone out there besides me had a thing for a jd salinger character...comforting to me that is...

and now, after writing all this down, i feel even better...because now i have a record of tonight...and it's important because i covered a lot of ground...geographically and mentally and emotionally...

musicwise, i listened to fugazi until i hit chicago nostalgia mode when i played wilco's being there & summerteeth and various lyrics from their songs got me teary-eyed all night long...besides the aforementioned lyrics..."baby you've been taking me way too seriously...i can't ever explain why i don't feel the pain...i left you behind and i know it's been a long time...but i'm not over you..." (forget the flowers)..."all i wanted to say is how much i miss you" (red eyed and blue)..."crumbling ladder tears don't fall they shine down your shoulders" (via chicago)..."how to fight loneliness...smile all the time...shine your teeth til meaningless...sharpen them with lies" (how to fight loneliness)..."oh i long to hold you in my arms and sway...kiss and ride on the CTA" (far far away)...etc etc etc...goodnight...

sj: well, i guess i'll see you in the near future, hopefully.

rt: i don't think so.

sj: ever again?

rt: nope.

sj: so this is it?

rt: yup.

sj: you're kidding, right?

(rt gives me a look of amused disbelief)

rt: of course! what are you thinking??

sj: well, i don't know...

does this conversation prove that i'm the most gullible little shit in the world or that i'm just a girl?

to further prove i'm an idiot and a girl, here is a little diddy i wrote a half hour ago...

quarter to 3
saturday nite
last call done and
passed me by
get me out
get me high
get me anywhere
but in my own skin tonight
i'm not confused
i'm not conflicted
i'm human
and i need to be loved
just like morrisey
just like you

lights turned up
tunes have stopped
i'm going home
good night.

and today this is what i accomplished: the entire daylight hours were a dismal failure. after it got dark, however, i went to trader joes where rt helped me pick out the best damn box of clementines in the store as well as a good bag of pita bread. then i went to uncommon ground and chatted w/ mike c. and dropped off ticklepenny posters. next i went to reckless records north and got a parking spot on briar right off of broadway, can you believe it?? and it was legal too. i then proceeded to purchase all the fugazi cds reckless had, le tigre's s/t, sonic youth's experimental jet set, trash and no star, the best of david bowie 1974-1979, and the sex pistol's pretty we ain't. next i went back home and put away the groceries and put my other shit away (e.g. out of site). then i watched zoolander. good god i love owen wilson...and that soundtrack...shit! like wake me up before you go-go...i remember how old i was when that happened...i won't SAY how old i was, but i was old enough to still be able to retreive the memory from right here in 2003...and last but not at all the least i went to see ethan spin @ get me high w/ rt...

i am in love with joy division's song atmosphere. the drum part makes me want to cry because it makes me think of all the drummers i so dearly love and/or admire immensely...jesse...rt...glenn...kevin...josh of appleseed cast...

if anyone knows where douglas coupland lives, can you let me know so i can kick his ass till he's bloody and then gently kiss his wounds afterwards.

and i still have an adorable affectionate cat available to a loving home.

oh, and rt tells me that all my newcastles are gone in his apartment...seems like SOMEBODY'S been drinking our beer and not sharing!!! no wonder mj's not picking up that damn phone...he's lucky i'm quite fond of him so i'm not even the slightest bit mad...c'mon guys...when has sarah EVER complained about other people drinking her beer? uhm...NEVER....sheesh, i mean i'm storing it at a fruckin' BACHELOR PAD for jimeny's sake!!! what, did i think the beer would mysteriously stay in their bottles w/ single men around??? i'm naive and gullible, yeah, but i'm not plain STUPID...

alright...i'm gonna go listen to some nice relaxing music as i fall asleep...something along the lines of i wanna be sedated...because i do you know...be sedated i mean...

i have failed at everything i set out to do today...

i'm sorry, caleb...i'm sorry pierre...i'm sorry todd...i have failed you ALL, dickey's funky love bomb...the chicago music exchange closed at 5:56 instead of 6:00!!!!!!

if they'd only closed when they told me...6:00...then i would have accomplished one thing that i set out to do today...yeah, right...it was hopeless and i knew it the moment i set out from my apartment with 5:38 flashing on my autoclock...

oh well...i AM gonna get my guitar setup, i AM, i AM...

i've been listening to a lot of loud music lately...like dig me out by sleater-kinney right now. and before that was daydream nation by sonic youth...and then there's joy division...ramones...gang of four (today was the first day in WEEKS that i didn't listen to any gang of four)...bikini kill...sex pistols...the clash...i'm just in that mood lately...give it to me loud and fast please...OH, yeaaaaahhhhh...

ok. i'm gonna go to the trader joe's before THEY close too damn it...dear god please let me get one thing right today please oh please oh please...

so here's what i am currently reading simultaneously...life after god by doug coupland...letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke...catch me if you can by frank abagnale...late and posthumous poems by pablo neruda...and my latest is the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger...add to this that i have been listening to gang of four's entertainment! nonstop and that i have just bought joy division's substance and a ramones compilation of quote unquote their toughest hits...when you take all this into consideration, you shouldn't be surprised at my current manic depressive state...

i came to a realisation this week...it's a rather disturbing one...and here is what i realised...this is embarrassing...but anyways...uhm...well...so it seems that ever since high school, ever since i read the catcher in the rye...well....i've been in love with holden caulfield all these years...oh, it's true...i am in love w/ a fictional sixteen year old prep school flunk-out who would chronologically be old enough to be my dad...now should i just leave it at that or shall i expound on my discovery? well, ok, it's not like i'm here pining for holden...it's just that one passage where he's telling his sister phoebe what he would do all day if he had his choice...about the thousands of kids playing...oh, wait, let me just quote that part:

"anyways, i keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, i mean--except me. and i'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. what i have to do, i have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--i mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going i have to come out from somewhere and catch them. that's all i'd do all day. i'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. i know it's crazy, but that's the only thing i'd really like to be. i know it's crazy."

it sounds silly for holden to want to protect these kids from plunging from the idyllic field of childhood into the phoniness of adulthood...but it's sweet of him to want to, ya know? yeah...i need to grow up...but do i really? they say that girls mature faster than boys...and women always complain about how immature men are...and yeah, some of them are a bit much...but what's wrong w/ being carefree and playful and innocent like a child? sometimes i feel like a little girl in a grown woman's body trapped in a world of grown people w/ grown-up expectations of me...

i am a hopeless cause...HOPELESS i tell ya, HOPELESS!!!

on a good note, connolly & i went to barnes & noble last night and ate at the thai wild ginger WITHOUT OLARN and i had me some tofu pad thai which generally puts me in a good mood...yes...thai boy stayed home complaining about not having slept well this week...now if i stayed home every friday night to catch up on the sleep i should have gotten the week before, i would NEVER EVER get to go out on fridays...suck it up, dude, you're not dead yet...

josh called while i was @ B&N w/ connolly, and it was good talking to him again...it's been a while...we exchanged our ideas on how to "save money." that's always nice...yes, josh is getting married in october...i will need to find a floorlength black dress by then...ugh...dresses...someday maybe i will learn to wear dresses but for now i am not into them at all...i'd rather wear pajamas...

i lied. i'm not cleaning my apartment tonight. that's what happens when you get stuck in friday traffic...you get on the phone and make plans and the next thing you know you're meeting connolly @ barnes & noble in 20 minutes and eating dinner and then seeing a movie...olarn better meet up w/ us...i don't care if the chinese giant mr. ming is playing on tv tonight...why would anyone want to watch a basketball game over spending time w/ me & connolly?

so i talked to josh and lielle...i am officially the "groomsmaid", best friend of the groom, for the wedding...i get to wear a BLACK dress...HA! and i get to walk down the aisle by myself. HA! that's good, cuz if i had to walk down the aisle w/ someone else, i would've gotten weirded out, like, woah, this feels a bit familiar and not too good...

if you need a laugh, check this out: THIS.

i need a laugh. i think i will go check it out again...

where oh where is art my network dude extraordinnaire??? i will rot waiting for him to get his ass here from westmont...i bet anyone any amount of money that he went home. c'mon..it's 4:10pm on a friday afternoon...would YOU return to work after an offsite assignment like that? nope. not me. that's for sure...shit...i can't do any work...so why am i complaining?

my friend allison at work lent me office space the movie so i can finally understand the jokes she and andrei are always telling each other. i am ready for some real educational entertainment this weekend...

i am going to clean my apartment tonight. for real....

if anybody wants a really adorable and affectionate cat w/ relatively good manners, please let me know ASAP.

yesterday after work, i went over to the wildwood to pick up some ticklepenny posters...megan was there visiting w/ leeanne and the boys. we had plans to go out for drinks & dinner. tim came home while we were there...it was good to see tim again...crimeny...it's been like a zillion years or something...once things quiet down at the job that pays me, hopefully we'll get to see each other more often. i miss the days at wildwood from the past summer...me, megan, tim, the boys...it was loads of fun for sure...

megan & i went to dinner and finally did our xmas exchange...she wrote me the sweetest card...it's nice to know somebody loves me...we had margaritas & some din-din and talked and talked about the definitions or lack thereof in our lives...then we went to flatlanders for more drinks...i'll always think of that night w/ ryan & jesse & greg & the lost dogs in the bar at flatlanders...that was one of the most surreal nights ever...ryan was so shitfaced...i fed him double jack & cokes all night long......i miss them...

i had a chimay...a little bottle...cost me $7...i could have gotten a LITER of the stuff @ trader joes for cheaper...shit, i've got TWO FULL HUGE BOTTLES at rt's apt...well, i hope they're full...they might not be so full any more...there's even a chance that they're empty...flatlanders totally hits the wallet hard...i remember when i was there w/ ryan, they charged us $12 for each double jack & coke...luckily, the bartender liked us and gave us so many free drinks...when i closed out the tab, it was like $50, and that's an entire bottle of wine, 4 double jack&cokes, and a few beers later. i love bartenders who give free drinks. lots of free drinks.

so i made this playlist at work today...i was looking through my jukebox on my laptop, and i happened to see anything box, and i really wanted to listen to them for some reason, and then i made this list of cheesy/new wave 80s & early 90s stuff...anything box...depeche mode...erasure...the farm...new order (rules)...the police...reo speedwagon (HA HA HA)...simple minds...and others i won't mention...i'll say one thing though...they're all singable tunes, that's for sure...every now and then, esp. on friday, you just need to play some tunes you can sing along to...

i had fun last night. you really can't go wrong w/ mai tais and ron of japan. and when your company for the night is my friend rt, who used to bartend @ ron of japan's, well, you're pretty much guaranteed a good time. it was fun seeing him get picked on by the staff all night long. we were there for almost FIVE hours...we were the last two to leave, and that's including the waitstaff...

so all that booze in my trunk? the 12 bottles of newcastle, 12 bottles of rolling rock, 6 bottles of red stripe, 2 bottles of chimay, and 3 bottles of fine red wine? well, except for the red wine, it all froze...rt told me it would...he was right...so we took all the booze up to his apartment where it is currently thawing...talk about ice cold beer...we did have one red stripe last night after it had thawed, and boy oh boy was it cold! we need to have a party or something...

one of the things that rt keeps bringing up is how i'm always giving and giving and not letting others give back to me...and he's insisted on giving back...it's kind of taken me by surprise...so yeah...i'm learning how to receive...it's not as easy as it sounds...

that's the thing i really appreciate about rt...he doesn't just go along w/ what i say and nod and go 'uh-huh...' he challenges my thought processes and calls me on stuff...

last night was a good night...for sure...

i think i AM manic depressive...or just a maniac and depressed...

right now, i'm a tad happy because i'm going to have mai tais w/ a friend after work @ ron of japan...he's been telling me about these mai tais for weeks now...and really, it's not just the mai tais...it's the fact that someone took to initiative to invite me out...it's the little things in life that always make me shed tears for joy.

and i'll admit i'm just a little excited about the mai tais too...

and here's a little poem i read last night that i just know has some really important life lesson in it... it's actually quite simple, really...

this is simple by pablo neruda

Power is mute (the trees tell me)
and so is profundity (say the roots)
and purity too (says the grain).

No tree ever said:
"I'm the tallest!"

No root ever said:
"I come from deeper down!"

And bread never said:
"What is better than bread!"

i have gotten my laptop to work so i can listen to my jukebox again...so it's been a mellower day musically for me...
soulweed--alphastone
let us garlands bring--early day miners
get lost--the magnetic fields
out of tune--mojave 3
murmur--r.e.m.
songs for the new year--simon joyner
s/t--the smiths

for those of you w/ the sneaking suspicion that i am manic depressive, let me take that stealthy supposition and bite you on the ass with it.

just kidding.

i was not drunk when i wrote my previous entry, and i am not drunk right now. i am seldom drunk. wherin may lie my problem.

i have been reading life after god again. need i say more?? (douglas coupland, when i find you, i don't know whether i should beat you to a pulp or kiss your feet...)

yes...i have been doing laundry and reading life after god and listening to the silver apples, red monkey and joy division...what reason could i possibly have for being depressed?

not only that i talked to my friend for about an hour and spurted out bits and pieces of my fragmented heart and mind. poor soul...had to be my choice for the line of fire tonight...sorry mj...well, that's what you get for not drinking chimay w/ me tonight...

and due to it being late and my laundry getting cold in spin cycle's dryer, i will conclude w/ excerpts from an email i sent a friend earlier...

why am i here? does it even matter that i am asking this question?

are there words to ask the questions i need and want to ask? i don't think so...my questions, i suspect, are questions of the heart and cannot be uttered in syllables or transcribed in alphabetic scribbles...

i think that after i have read every book that in some way conveys a bit of my inner workings, there will still be things left unsaid, unasked...music is not my saviour...poetry does not love me...art cannot comfort me...

if i take a roadtrip into myself, into the canyons and hills and valleys and rivers and lakes and oceans and prairies and peaks and meadows, will i find peace there? will my "self" come out to meet me at some point as i wander amongst the mysteries and intricacies that make up the essence of my being? or will i just get lost again, as lost as i am in this external world...?

i think i have said everything that i can say with words...i should only use punctuation from now on... ????....!!!!! ;; """"

and after the punctuation has been depleted, then what?

my thoughts have become an incessant ringing in my ears, an annoying gong to remind me of my fears...

the only quiet i know of i can find by retreating into myself, but the powers that be push me to connect to a world that does not want me...

and yet, i still believe in Hope...without hope, all is lost and i am lost as well...well, i AM lost, true, but without hope i am lost never to be found...with hope, i can choose to keep seeking, keep wanting to be found...

there is a world out there full of beauty and goodness and purity and truth and freedom and joy, and it's hidden from me now, but i will find it, whether i live or die...i have seen glimpses into this world in fleeting moments...i saw it saturday night watching j. dance...i saw it in your eyes as we talked @ starbucks...i saw it in the lights of the golden gate bridge one night w/ josh...i felt it in the touch of a friend's hand gently touching my cheek...i lived it in the last dying moments of my dad as he breathed and breathed no more...
end transmission.

and the morale of the story, my friends, is that you shouldn't read books that are going to totally fuck you up unless you like that kind of abuse from arbitrary symbols printed on dead tree matter. i apparently love that kind of abuse.

today i listened to gang of four the whole fucking day because my laptop is tripping out and i could only use my cd player. then when i got home i listened to via chicago 13 times. then i listened to gang of four again in the car on the way to the spin cycle. then i listened to the silver apples, red monkey and joy division. but i already said that.

i am looking for you. i have been looking for you. i can't stop looking for you.

ever since you left me last spring, i've gone in circles searching...hoping...

i look in all the wrong places...in cigarettes and vodka lemonade...the hypnotic flame of a zippo...in rock 'n' roll...in the books i read...poetry...songs i write...solitude...sunsets...stars in the winter night sky...in the face of the moon...in the pictures you left behind...in the memories from the distant past...strangers in the city...in the boys i don't love...in my dreams...

you're not there...i'm still alone...i'm still lost...i'm still afraid...

and i don't understand...i will never understand...not in this life...

the laptop is dead...long live the laptop!

yes, i have seen my soon-to-be-coronated new work laptop, and it is tiiiiiiight! it's still heavy for a laptop, but i will forgive it this misfortune because it has a 15" screen...DVD drive...CD-RW...1.8ghz processing speed...512mb RAM...and the docking station--get this--is ELVISH SILVER...oh, it's true...

and here is an excerpt from last night's reading of life after god by doug coupland...go get your own copy...leave a couple for me...

"sometimes i think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound--people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. i wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.

and then sometimes i think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder--people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world--or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness..." --from life after god by doug coupland

i feel like there are people in my life, people who may or may not be my friends, who seem to be telling me to hurry up and become jaded...to stop being so affected by my surroundings...to unpin my heart from my sleeve and to tuck it away somewhere safe and unnoticeable and impervious...some of them mean well...and then there are those who i think just feel the need to pull others into their world of numbness and indifference so that they themselves won't feel alone in it.

and i'm trying not to give in...i want to continue having my moments of epiphanic proportions...i want to feel sadness and joy and not be ashamed of these feelings...am i just naive? or stupid? or misinformed?

i will not be jaded...i will not be jaded...i will not be jaded...i will not be jaded...

i'm alive, my oven works just fine, and the pizza was yummy...

i am doing something tonight that i have never done before...i am using the oven in my apartment...those of you who know me know that i don't cook...those of you who REALLY know me know that i KNOW how to cook but choose not to...anyways, my choices for dinner tonight were poptarts, cereal, waffles, dried apricots, craisins, or a veggie digiorno. i opted for the pizza because i was predisposed to using the oven anyway from having spoken to a friend last night on the phone who was making brownies and cussing out his oven for not working. it occurred to me that i had no idea whether my oven worked or not because i had never used it in the 10 months i've been living here. besides, it's fruckin' cold in here, and i would've used any excuse to supplement my normal heat...my feet are numb, literally...i hate being cold...unless i'm skiing...

now i'm a little worried...what if the oven SEEMS to be working, but it's actually stealthily malfunctioning, leaking poisonous fumes unbeknownst to me? mind you, i spent the first 6 years of my life in a 3rd world country where we burned coal to keep warm, and carbon monoxide poisoning was a daily normal occurence...my entire family was almost wiped out in our sleep one night; if it weren't for my mom's spidey sense we'd surely be dead. now i don't know what kind of noxious gases can be leaked from a gas range, but i imagine it can't be very healthy...so if i haven't posted again by noon tomorrow, someone who knows where i live call 911, eh?

ah, veggie pizza and beer...not just any beer...CZECH beer...from PRAGUE...it's called STAROPRAMEN...i think it means star of prague...the star part i can see...pramen...that must be the ablative form of prague or something...i've got pictures below on one of my posts...i just think it's funny that the word RAMEN is in the name of this beer, ramen having been an important part of my childhood and college years...a bit of sapporo ichiban w/ some fresh chopped green onions and an egg thrown in right when you take the pot off the stove...yummy...bad as hell for your health though...

i have left the oven door wide open so i will either die more quickly or hopefully, and the effect i'm going for, i'll warm up finally...

i am going to curl up and read the copy of life after god that my friend joe was nice enough to lend me...i love this book...i will probably cry tonight...but those tears will be tears well shed...

tunes--
entertainment!--gang of four (i've been listening to nothing but gof in the car...mainly cuz i'm too lazy to change the cds i carry around...but why would you need to listen to anything else?)
fevers and mirrors--bright eyes
#1 record--big star
radio city--big star
jeff tweedy bootleg
very emergency--the promise ring
daydream nation--the sonic youth

right now i am listening to bright eyes (conor oberst)...specifically the song the calender hung itself...this song always makes me wanna go stir crazy...i love the way he sings 'you are my sunshine...my only sunshine...' it's creepy...sinister...yeah...i'm sorry...i'm a saddlecreek fan, i can't help it...conor is a genius though...he tours w/ a harem of female musicians...if i ever had a band, it would be all male...like neko case...

so i'm still at work...it's cuz things are crazy around here...they leave me nothing to do for weeks on end and then all of a sudden everything must be done in the next 5 minutes please...shit...i suppose i shouldn't complain though...it's a job...and they treat me reallly well...considering i barely drag myself in here every morning by 9:30am...like where else can i get away w/ coming in after 10am occassionally from a midweek show that keeps me up til 2am? i SO need a vacation...josh, i'm coming to new york the week before your bday...

on a brighter note, my laptop at work died today...(btw, don't click on that link unless you're 18 or over)...i've been waiting for that bastard to call it quits for the past 2 years...my boss told me i could get a new laptop, and since i'm friends w/ the dude who's gonna purchase the machine, i'm gonna get a really sweet one...cd-rw/dvd combo drive...1.7gig processing speed...lots of RAM...LOTS of RAM...i'm a total taskmaster w/ my computers at work...i usually have 2 microsoft access databases open, lotus notes for work email, payroll software, excel, word, 3 copies of internet explorer, and my musicmatch jukebox...i'm gonna have to bribe my tech guy to install my musicmatch software cuz they've made it impossible for us to install stuff ourselves on the computers any more...otherwise i'll be stuck listening to cds...which isn't the end of the world...i just like making a 70-song playlist for a workday sometimes...

alright. i'm going home...

p.s. i'm gonna be a GROOMSMAID for josh & lielle's wedding in october...that sounds so weird...i hope that means i don't have to wear a dress...that would be so sweet if i got to wear a tux! megan told me i'd probably wear a black dress. oh well...i don't like dresses...josh is getting married...woah...we're getting old...

ok. this just in...watchers photos from the sold out hideout show are right over HERE...

so the torch has been passed on to me...that would be pete's torch, his faithful zippo lighter that has come in handy so many times for us disposable bicsters...i guess i'm sentimental because i totally LOVE it, mainly cuz it used to be pete's...i really don't get attached to things unless there's some meaning behind it, like it used to belong to a friend, or it was a gift, or it represents a moment of significance. that lighter reminds me of all the good times i've had w/ pete & amy & sam...

well, it was a nice weekend over all...gosh, tweedy AND wilco w/ all my friends--megan, matt, joe, connolly, caleb & crew...dickey's funky love bomb a.k.a. caleb, pierre & todd plus guest rob...joe the perfect show partner...breakfast w/ ted...holograms w/ ted...beer brewing supplies w/ ted...grilled cheese sandwiches w/ pete & amy...hyde park alums...watchers...joe the perfect dancing partner...joe the perfect 24 hour diner conversationalist...it's all good...

been listening to:
reject all american--bikini kill
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
entertainment!--gang of four
mahler's symphony no. 5--CSO w/ solti
still feel gone--uncle tupelo

ok. busy weekend for the most part...saturday evening i went to hyde park for the HPV 5 year reunion...it was kinda weird to be there since i'm so on the fringe of the church...i mean, it seems like i only go when caleb & audrey are in town...i only stayed for a little while because i had to go to the watchers show, but i did get to see some old familiar faces, like jordan & sonya seng, john kim, & 'than. and it was definitely good seeing caleb & aud & pierre & todd & rob again. and i got to hang w/ pete & amy & sam.

after hyde park, i picked up joe and then met megan @ my apartment and off we went to the hideout. i guess i was a little eager to get there, because we got there WAAAAY early...they were still in the middle of soundcheck. but we got a parking spot no problem. and we had a chance to sit and chat leisurely before the crazy crowd got there. the opening band was called mahjong and they were pretty awesome. jamie, the percussionist for watchers, used to play w/ them. i'm gonna learn me the toy xylophone now! ted told me i have to learn how to play drums if i wanna play the xylo, but i don't believe him...i think it's just a tactic to recruit a drum student for himself, which i'll never be...

well, watchers sold out the hideout...it was so packed...i know without a shadow of a doubt that we were breaking safety ordinances...i know i was...i was standing on top of the somewhat wobbly bar next to the stage to take photos...john & joe put me up to it...i had a much better view of ted from up there, safe from the line of fire from michael's body parts. i won't say which parts.

it was a crazy show...but watchers shows are ALWAYS crazy...they sounded tiiiiight...they didn't get on stage until midnight, and by this time, a good portion of the audience had plenty of opportunity to be drunk...the stage was rather small for michael's moves, and he made free use of the floor, ceiling, whatever...i sometimes worry that he'll break a body part (or someone else's body part), but he seems to be made of rubber.

after watchers, they went straight into the dance party, dj'ed by someone who really knows her tunes...i sat for a while w/ ted, but i did get out on the dance floor w/ joe...it was weird...i really don't like crowded dance floors because i can't dance the way i like to dance under such tight spatial restrictions. the tunes were great though...joe & i were about to leave when she put on one of my favourite cure songs, and so i squealed like a girl and told joe we couldn't leave while this song was playing. so we had a lovely dance to 'just like heaven' and one more song, and then we hit the road in search of food.

we went to the hollywood grill, this 24 hour diner on north and ashland. would you believe that place was PACKED out at 3am??? it was crazy...joe and i had our meal and talked and talked...i like talking to joe...it's comforting for some reason...he talks coupland to me, and i really enjoy that. it's always cool to talk to folks who understand where you're coming from...

alright...there's something about caleb coming to town that doesn't agree w/ my car...last time he was here was when i got in that fender bender during rush hour which resulted in a nice little crunch above the passenger side front tire...well, yesterday, i parked my car around the corner on hoyne because there were absolutely no spots on my block...it happened to be the spot right at the corner...so i'm driving at around 6pm or so to go get pete & amy in hyde park...and while on the highway, i hear this weird sound coming from my car...i'm like, 'oh, shit...not another weird sound coming from my car...' last time i had a weird sound, i had a flat tire...i knew this was no flat tire...so i exited at north ave, pulled into the bp amoco across from stanley's fruit market, and got out to inspect my car...well, it turns out SOMEONE had hit my car while i was parked, and the left corner of my rear bumper was hanging by a mere 3 inches and dragging on the ground...i could see scuff marks where someone had probably hit it while turning that corner...i can't think of any other explanation...i know i didn't hit anyone, cuz there was nobody parked behind me...and a hit that would break my bumper like that, i think i would've remembered...

well, i dragged my car to the home depot, which was a couple blocks away...i called pete & amy, told them my dilemma, blamed caleb for no reason (i don't really blame caleb...it's just funny that this happened while he was in town...), and told them i was going to try to cut the damn bumper off so it wouldn't drag any more...so i went into the home depot...3 trips in and out and a hand saw, twine, duct tape, hammer (i just happened to need a hammer...i didn't hammer anything), cable twistie thingies, and super spring action shears later, i finally got the damn dragging corner of the bumper cut off and in the trunk of my car...it was frucking cold last night too...i happened to find gloves (nonmatching and both for the same hand, but gloves nevertheless) in the car which was a lifesaver...

after THAT fiasco, i went and got pete & amy...we went to hollywood grill where we had a lovely diner meal...grilled cheese...yummy...then we went over to reckless and browsed until near closing time...we went over to filter for coffee, cocoa and cider...i had only been there to get coffee to go w/ ian...and free velamints w/ michael but i don't remember why we were there...we sat for a while and just talked...the funny thing is that i think i've been hanging out w/ those guys so much more now since they moved to hyde park than when they were living in my neighborhood in logan square...i guess distance makes the heart grow fonder...

last night, i started rereading doug coupland's life after god, which my friend joe was nice enough to lend me cuz i'd been craving that book, and both my copies have been kidnapped...looking at the cover of the book, which has a photo of a little tike floating in a lovely pool looking all reflective, the following occurred...and the following is actually an email i wrote last night, but i'm lazy so here it is mostly unmodified...

every now and then, my brain gives me a little treat for no apparent reason...i haven't been particularly good...i haven't been particularly bad...but my brain sometimes sees it fit to reward me out of the goodness of its...of its...brain cells i guess, since our brains don't have hearts...

today, my brain gave me such a present...it brought to the surface of my consciousness a particularly fond memory...

it was the dead of winter years ago...there was a blizzard raging outside...i was living in east rogers park, a mile north of where c. lives...i went to the local ymca on touhy & western that night to go swimming...and the pool was entirely empty except for a father and his little boy...that was a rare treat, to have that pool all to myself...and i spent a leisurely long time in the deep end, dancing in the water...normally, you should be doing laps, but since i had the WHOLE FRICKIN' POOL to myself, i did whatever the hell i wanted...and that night i wanted to dance in the water...i love being in the water...it's so freeing...i spun round and round and round, gliding to and fro, savoring the sensation of the water swirling around my body...the world outside was being buried under a heavy blanket of snow, but inside that swimming pool, i experienced the gentle warmth of a pure childlike joy that i will never forget...

i think what i am longing for is that same pure childlike joy...it was shameless...unabashed...sweet...freeing...more beautiful than words can describe...i am seeking a reincarnation of that joy in my life now...i miss the innocence of that hour in the pool...

i want to make more memories like this one...

yup...that's what i'm going for...

listened to--
one part lullaby--the folk implosion
being there disc two--wilco
s/t--the clash

p.s. i just remembered! yesterday, while ted and i were sitting in starbucks talking, i heard the familiar sounds of my favorite rosie thomas song over the speakers, the one which i posted the lyrics to on monday 1/6...like how weird is that?! i got all teary-eyed...here i was in the midst of a deep conversation w/ lovely ted, and rosie's song playing in the background...it was a bit much...i SOOOOOO wanna hit the road for joshua tree...weird thing is that joe asked me thursday night if i'd ever been there...he said the magic words..."JOSHUA TREE..." i got all excited...i told him i wanna do a road trip out there...to camp in the desert beneath the stars......roadtrip, roadtrip, roadtrip...

well, it definitely was a night of rawk 'n' roll for me last night...had dinner w/ megan & matt & ted's roommate joe who i invited out for the show cuz he's a wilco fan...we got this sweet sweet parking spot smack dab across the street from the Vic...it wasn't even metered...it was like totally FREE...that's so awesome...dinner was nice and leisurely...margaritas were involved...and then jeff tweedy live at the Vic...caleb, pierre, todd & rob from nyc/ct were at the show too, and it was awesome to see them again...caleb & i caught up a little bit...connolly was there too with his wilco fan friend...and then jeff got up to play...it was very dreamy...i was having a great time...joe was great company...he didn't talk much but he was there for me to give the occassional arm squeeze to like when jeff played some of my favourite songs...the kicker to the concert was when jeff came out for the encore...and all of a sudden, would you believe glenn, john & leroy (the rest of wilco) join him on stage???!!!! the crowd went wild of course. they did as many songs as a full band as they did @ bumbershoot...so it was like getting two concerts for the price of one!!! i was so stoked...THAT was a rock 'n' roll moment for me...glenn totally looks like an elf...i love drummers...

after the show, i dropped off megan & matt and then met up w/ caleb & the boys @ my apartment. they jammed until 2 am. hearing pierre play my j-45 was like a taste of heaven...hearing caleb play josh's cheap guitar w/ pierre was awesome...caleb can make any guitar sound good...they did so many songs...i made them do orphan girl, although they did protest at first...and they did sunken treasure (my favorite wilco song) and via chicago, which wilco had neglected to do at their show...there is nothing i love more than a jam session that lasts late into the night...i love private concerts where caleb & his friends are involved...they're so FRUCKIN' GOOD!!!

i think joe enjoyed the jam session too...esp. when they did the dylan songs...caleb & pierre have these raspy rock'n'roll voices, and the faces caleb makes when he plays crack me up bigtime...pierre's just so awesome i can't even describe it...and todd...he sings harmony like an angel...it was so cool...they must have been so exhausted...i know rob just wanted to go to sleep, poor thing...but it was so much fun for me, ya know? ted happened to call a little after 2 am, which was perfect timing cuz the guys were leaving and i was about to drive joe back to his & ted's apartment. and thus ended a rock'n'roll night i'll never forget...

hung out w/ ted for a couple hours when i dropped joe off...we had plans to go to breakfast this morning and hang out before he had to work...we joked about the letter i had written him that was still in my purse, still unsent...our little experiment w/ the postal system...i was impatient because we kept talking about stuff i'd written in the letter, and ted wouldn't let me just give it to him...i'm gonna send that sucker tonight when i go see pete & amy & sam.

i actually got up for breakfast w/ ted this morning...he took me to sweet maple cafe on taylor street by UIC...it was AWESOME!! i had grits for the first time!!! it started snowing like crazy while we were eating...big huge snowflakes--the kind that hurts when it whips across your face--were coming down hard and fast by the time we left the cafe...if you opened your mouth, you could catch big gulps of the cold white stuff...ted & i decided to go to the museum of holography in the west loop...we happened to park on madison across the street from all these industrial kitchen supply stores, and ted's eyes lit up when he saw the huge stock pots they had in the window. we have plans to brew beer, you see...and you need a big old pot to do that...i suggested to him last night, as we munched on panda licorice, that we should make licorice beer. like why not, eh?

the museum was awesome...you gotta check it out sometime...it's on washington just east of racine (~1124 w. washington)...no one was even at the entrance so we didn't have to pay, and it was totally empty. ted & i had that place to ourselves and the gray tabby slinking around the premises...granted, it wasn't big at all, but still, it was cool to be the only ones there...and the holograms were AMAZING!!! i wish i had some pictures, but photos weren't allowed, and ted wouldn't let me break the rule...he said that since they didn't have any one at the door, that meant they trusted us the public to behave ourselves unmonitored, and that we shouldn't break that trust...he comes up w/ the most interesting notions sometimes...

we walked around the neighborhood after the museum enjoying the cold and snow flurry...we stopped in another kitchen supply place...the dude who worked there, an older gentleman w/ a weathered face and a european accent, talked to us a bit, and commented on all my buttons on my vest and purse...a few minutes later, what does he do but come out of his office and hands me a yellow smiley face button!! it was so awesome...

ted & i went over to starbucks and had some coffee and talked and talked...that's the great thing about ted...we can talk for hours, and they're always meaningful conversations...even when we get goofy...unfortunately, ted had to work @ 4pm, so i dropped him off at home, and then i went over to sam's wine & spirits to stock up on beer (the boys put a dent in my supply last night, which is good...). i also got some good red wine. i'm not sure why. i think i'm gonna cook ted & his roommates dinner one of these days...we'll see...

i'm going to go hang out w/ pete & amy & probably sam tonight...i wish i could see caleb again...he's like here for just this weekend, but he's a frickin' celebrity in hyde park, and EVERYBODY wants to see caleb & pierre & todd, so i doubt i'll get to see him until tomorrow night's gettogether...i won't be able to stay too long...going to the hideout for the watchers show tomorrow nite...and you should too...9pm @ the hideout, wabansia & elston (east of elston)...haven't seen michael in like 2 weeks...weird...not really.

ok...am i crazy or did i just hear the intro guitar riff to sweet child o' mine at the tail end of "does it float" by dinosaur jr?? funny...pierre & caleb played that last night...ha ha ha!!! i must be hearing things...

recent tunes:
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
wilco wilco wilco
start here--the gloria record
one beat--sleater-kinney
reject all american--bikini kill
modern--buzzcocks
in session--dinosaur jr.
capsul--bailter space
excuses for travelers--mojave 3

modra j. weren't lying...it were truly fabulous outside today...

i swung by the wildwood to pick up some VoL & serene cds for the neverending press kits i affectionately send out for my beloveds...there was a liquid mother-of-pearl sunset as i drove westward...i called my friends to insist that they go out on their porch and soak in the sunset i couldn't fully take in due to having two hands on the wheel. but they were watching the simpsons. simpsons. liquid mother-of-pearl sunset. simpsons. liquid mother-of-pear sunset. simpsons won out...fools!!!!...so i enjoyed it the best i could by getting teary-eyed with foot on the gas and my digits on the steering unit. "shooting stars still break her heart and sunsets make her cry..." yup...neil halstead doesn't know this maybe, but i visit him in his dreams and inspire his songs...i am the muse of the indie rocker dream world...yeah...in MY dream world...

but it were a lovely evening indeed...i got to smoke a cig w/ the window rolled ALL the way down...like how often do you get to do THAT in a chicago january without getting frostbite?

i went to the monkey store on belmont & clark w/ connolly tonight to look at their leather sale. i just don't think i were made for leather jackets. none of them looked right. but i did get a blue monkey for a blue friend. and a rubber ducky belt buckle for a rubber ducky fanatic. well, it's not really a RUBBER rubber ducky belt buckle. it's enamel. but it's yellow w/ lovely cobalt blue eyes. COBALT BLUE!!! i love cobalt blue...

tomorrow is the jeff tweedy fiasco...ah...jeff...how i love your songs...

i'm going to go into work at the crack of dawn so i can leave in the middle of the afternoon. yeah, we'll see which crack of dawn i choose...the very beginning of the crack, or when the dawn's completely shattered portion...

i have often thought that i can live on clementine oranges...i thunk it again tonight...i consumed four of those little juice balls in 2.5 minutes about 7 minutes ago...and i had like 5 at work this morning...i didn't know i could peel so fast or so often.

the infamous caleb maskell hits town tomorrow w/ his east coast posse. caleb is probably the closest thing to a celebrity friend i have, in terms of how he's treated when he gets to town...i'll be lucky if i get 5 minutes w/ him outside the tweety concert. well, i hope he has fun...he deserves it...because i said so...

so today at work, as i was pondering on the pathetic performance of my compaq dinosaur of a laptop, i remembered a "rap" i wrote for josh back when HIS compaq laptop was giving him grief...i dug it up to share w/ y'all...but if you're like really prissy about cussing, well, don't look...it's rated R i guess, but it's got just about the right amount of cussing in it considering it's based on an ice cube/nwa song. yeah, rap here.

that's all folks...

today i listened to:
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
summershine--VoL
audible sigh--VoL
one part lullaby--the folk implosion
modern--buzzcocks
if it weren't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all--piebald
we are the only friends we have--piebald

the cruelest and sweetest words received via email so far today:

"sucks you're stuck at work, cuz it truly is fabulous outside."

that's my friend joe, reminding me that i am stuck in this windowless office while the sun has momentarily forgotten the date and is shining not only brightly but warmly as well...when the realization hit me today that it was going to be a beeyewtiful day and that i would miss it all, i was greatly saddened and thereby commissioned one of my non-working friends to spend the entire day outdoors in my stead. i have always held to the belief that if the temperature exceeds 50 degrees during december or january, work should just automatically be cancelled and made up on a cold weekend day...

"it truly is fabulous outside..." like how often is that statement true for chicago in the dead of january??? such a phenomenon should not be commemorated indoors behind office doors in front of computers...it calls for face-in-the-sun-hair-in-the-wind-body-in-motion romp in the meadows...do we have meadows in chicago? i love that word...meadows...meadows...where are my meadows...

i really want a road trip now...i wonder if ted will drive up to madison w/ me on friday for nepali food? maybe joe...i suppose we could drive to starved rock...it's closer i think...i just want to be outdoors...but it will be 25 by friday...shit...opportunity lost because of responisbilities...i should've taken today off instead of friday...

hijack the day, my friends...especially if it's a warm sunny day in january in chicago...

listening to--
wilco wilco wilco
reading, writing & arithmetic--the sundays

i should be sleeping right now but i'm not...but there's really nothing unusual about that...

i am feeling rather moody...i am craving forest...ever since i went to the conservatory w/ ted & his friends and ran my hand through the soft soft green green moist moist moss...i crave a bed of such a thing...where am i going to find an entire bed of the stuff here in the midwest???

so i have taken the www.findyourspot.com quiz like FOUR times, and every single time portland, OR comes up as the #1 place where i should live. a part of me says, well, ok, then, portland it is...and then another part of me says, screw that! as if i'd let any stupid manmade test tell me where to go! i'm moving to the DESERT, ya hear me? the DESERT, i say!

alas, there are things keeping me in chicago right now...like a job...i have come to the sad realization that now that i don't have parents housing and feeding and clothing me any more, and since i don't possess the genius of frank abignale to live the life of crime, i am just going to have to accept the need to be working...it's not that i'm against working...i just wish i could be doing something i LOVED, something i'd do even if no one paid me to do it...like the guy who gets to pick the music that gets played at chipotle restaurants. i want that job! but i want to be paid what i'm paid now...

seattle still calls my name...i actually applied for a job there, but it's not really a realistic job that i'd actually get, so i really don't expect a call or anything...

the job market being the way it is, i'd say i'll be in chicago for a while yet...

other things keeping me in chicago...well, my mom i guess...my extended family...the bridges...no, really, i'm fond of chicago's bridges...my friends...reckless records...pure laziness...deep loathing of packing and unpacking...the hope that certain people will someday move back (josh, are you reading this??? caleb??)...

maybe i'll leave when pete & amy move. maybe i'll find a job in seattle by then. or portland. or apple valley, ca...

reasons i want to leave chicago...i've been here all my life in the U.S....the cold...i hate winter coats...it's so familiar...the memories that haunt me...the lack of topography...

where i would like to go...well, according to findyourspot.com, i want to go to portland, OR...really, i want to go where there are forests and mountains and big bodies of water, where i can see the stars at night, where i don't have to turn into an icicle in the winters, where there's good music and good indian food and good thai food and good mexican food (that's all i need, really...). and even now, all i can think about is that bed of soft soft green green moist moist moss in the conservatory...

i think i will go into the woods to be there for the trees when they fall...

been listening to--
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four (over and over and over again because at home i feel like a tourist)

sometimes a few of the pieces of this infinite jigsaw puzzle called life come together almost magically...you meet some one at just the right time in your life when you need to hear their insights...hear their struggles...hear their questions...hear their fears...hear their dreams...and that some one needs to hear what you have to say on all this as well...and you speak truth into each others' lives...and that is a beautiful thing...

ok. just a note about mike kinsella's show on sat. night @ the fireside...it was lovely...i almost missed part of the set from lollygagging in the bar too long, but as soon as i stepped out into the music room, i got chills up my back because mike was doing a wilco song. not just any wilco song. he was doing 'i'm always in love' which is one of my favourites. i immediately rushed to the front and stood in that area to the right of the stage where there's always room...

i have never done photoshoots @ the fireside, but since mike was sitting down and being pretty calm for the most part, i thought i'd give it a try. i rather like the results. you can seem some more photos here if you like.

anyways, mike writes some really lovely songs, many of which i can relate to personally. i suppose when someone writes about relationships gone awry and loneliness and other pretty much humanly universal experiences, most any one can relate to such songs. but still...he writes so they feel personal, not universal. i have no idea what that means...

at any rate, definitely check out his new album no good for no one now...it's a local favourite and quickly becoming a widespread favourite...

speaking of favourites...one of my personal faves, hidari mae, have some demos out on mp3.com. click here for that. they'll be recording again in february, and hopefully touring outside of the state of washington by summer. that's my hope at least.

been listening to--
either/or--elliott smith
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
reading, writing & arithmetic--the sundays
loveless--my bloody valentine
yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco
summerteeth--wilco
being there--wilco
when we were small--rosie thomas
sound of confusion--spacemen 3
one part lullaby--the folk implosion
murray street--sonic youth

ok. this is for all my gal pals out there...it's a tad cheesy, yes...but cheese can be good, no?

this is actually an email i sent to one of my gurls to console and empathise...

somehow, we have to learn to be happy--thrilled--to be alone independent free women...even if we get our guy, there's no guarantee they'll be around forever...when we do find that one we love who will love us back the way we deserve, even then we must never forget how to be happy in solitude...

love good literature...good film...good food...good wine...good beer...good coctails...

always live out poetry, whether it's in words or deeds...

listen to good music...sing in the car, the shower, on the train, at work...

never conform to anything but what you want to be...

travel widely...keep your friends near...

find beauty in the mundane, the downtrodden, the overlooked...

soak in the mood of your surroundings and listen to the lessons they convey...

daydream...always...

here's a song by rosie thomas, called "wedding day."
i think we need to do a road trip...i can totally picture myself doing everything in this song...


so much for love i guess
i've been wronged but it's alright
cuz i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed
with cassette tapes and sweaters
and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills
put my hand out the window
and sing until i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
and make small talk with the waiters and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends
it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

yea, i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up so good to be good to myself
and i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
but plenty of vision in mind
i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dippin' blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys in front of their girlfriends
it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for love i guess
i've been wronged but it's alright
cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills over mountains
and canyons and boys that keep bringing me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine at vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

and the moral of the story, kids, is that we don't need a wedding day to experience the joie de vivre that can be found in simple things...everyday things...everywhere things...

long conversations about everything and nothing...confiding fears and dreams and wishes...filling out www.findyourspot.com together w/ another friend online while on the phone...hearing a friendly voice just prior to going to sleep...knowing your little brother is home safe and sound after a crazy road trip alone into the boondocks of wisconsin...creating playlists w/ other peoples' music collection...chewing on delicate savory morsels of beauty while reading rilke in the corner of a smoky noisy bar...hearing the voice of your best friend a thousand miles away while you swing on a lamppost oblivious to the cold and the crowd...high school friends who are your constant cheerleaders and companions...little sisters who sometimes act like your big sister...out-of-state friends coming into town for jeff tweedy concerts...sharing a cig while walking in the cold...having someone to eat your left over pizza and drink your left over beer...finding out that doug coupland changed someone else's life besides yours...listening to the sundays on the way to work on monday...making coctails w/ girlfriends esp. ones involving midori...

life is rich...

just got home from hanging out w/ my hyde park boys pete & carlos & carlos's roommate harris. no sam though. cuz he's lame.

we went to get indian food (man that's twice in one week for me! awesome!) up on belmont & sheffield. after a nice buffet, we went across the street to chicago tattoo company to look at tatts. i couldn't find anything i liked. i'll just have to keep looking. a tattoo is not something you wanna get lightly.

after looking at tattoos, we went to the rainbo club and had a beer and chatted. it was fun. i like hanging w/ the boys. they're so low maintenance. buy them a beer, give them cigarettes, and they're happy. that's the way i like it.

alright, i'm going to bed...i know i have to post on the owen show, but i promised ted i'd go to sleep now cuz it's really past 1am cuz we've been on the phone for almost 2 hours. we came up w/ some great ideas for extra cash though...but i can't talk about it here or some one might steal it.

saturday afternoon, pete & i tried to buy him a used car, but they kept getting bought before we even had a chance to leave hyde park, so we went downtown to do a photoshoot before he had to start work. it was rather depressing, and we were both uninspired...i don't know what i was thinking, going to michigan ave for a photoshoot (pete works in the saks 5th ave building @ 700 n. michigan)...it was cold...and there was a blustery wind of materialistic emptiness blowing around...we passed by these folks carrying huge american girl store shopping bags, and pete decided he wanted to go there to look around...not because we're into dolls or anything, but it's just that we've noticed that even though our economy supposedly went to shit, you still saw these american girl shopping bags EVERYWHERE...i too have witnessed this phenomenon...it's weird...

it was quite an experience...there were mobs of people in this huge store...you could literally spend an entire day (not to mention your entire fortune) in this place...there were little girls and not so little girls everywhere, carrying their dolls, some of them wearing the same outfits as their dolls...oh, yes...it's true...you can dress like your doll at this place...they've got matching outfits in human child sizes...and if you want your doll to have the same hair style as you, well, there's a hair salon for the dolls too...and then if you want your picture taken w/ your doll, there's a photo studio...and in between all these activities you can have lunch at the cafe w/ your doll...pete and i looked for the punk rocker doll but we didn't find one...

pete & i were hungry so we went to the food court @ water tower and had these really yummy tomato & portabello pizzas...neither of us really gets into all that mall energy...i don't know how pete works down there...i really believe there's a certain energy in those environments that are just not all that healthy...you know, like greed, materialsm, depression, loneliness...but i suppose that's everywhere these days.

so i need to shower now (yes, i just got up an hour ago and i'm still in my jammies) and meet up w/ pete. we're gonna look at tattoos today. he showed me the one he wants to get, which is this picture on his skateboard of a skull. it was a cool skull. i'm not so into skulls...they remind me of dead people for some reason. i want to have a tatt decided on so that when ryan comes to town maybe i'll do it...yeah, we'll see...

i saw mike kinsella (a.k.a. owen) last night do a show @ the fireside. megan & i went together after dinner. i'll be posting about that later because i'm starving and i don't wanna keep pete waiting...

i wonder where the hell sam is...

dreamed i saw butterflies...thousands and thousands of them...of such beautiful colors...it was incredible...they were in a field of red and green lichen...and i couldn't understand where they were coming from and why they were hanging out...

...my head is a mass of pain right now...a martini sized mango margarita and one weak vodka lemonade should not hang you over...i am such a lightweight...i've fallen behind in my liquid studies since the days of san francisco w/ josh...

i am surrounded by couples dancing into committment, and i on the other hand still dance alone...watching others fall into devotion is scary enough for me...but it is interesting to observe...

went out last night w/ connolly & megan...ate @ the northside then went to estelle's for drinks where olarn met up w/ us. i hadn't seen olarn since...since...shit, i think since the day we left new york in november...we spent an hour catching up on the phone while he was stuck in traffic...you know, when most of your best friends are guys, it's always weird when they get girlfriends...although w/ josh it's been ok because lielle & i get along just fine...i'd kick josh's ass from here to alameda if he ever let that one go...my group of single friends are slowly but surely becoming not so single any more...i wonder how many weddings i will be going to this year? i can't believe josh is getting married in like 9 months...like how soon is THAT?! shit...

josh called yesterday while we were all @ estelle's...i talked to him outside for a while...there's a pure delight that comes w/ talking to him still, even now...i've been thinking a lot as the winter's shade has gotten darker about the past year and some during which josh & i spent countless hours talking about nothing and everything...all those hours in my car watching orion move across the winter night sky...all those letters written while witnessing celestial displays and sunset firmaments...back in the days when he was in california and i dwelt in pacific standard time...san francisco didn't seem so far away then as beacon, ny does now...

it amazes me how much history josh & i have squeezed into an 18 month period...

after estelle's, the four of us went to the rainbo club to meet up w/ megan's friend matt and his best friend mike. we had met them when denison opened up for mike @ schubas back in november...i was kind of out of it and so i took photos, some of which i'm posting today...i liked the rainbo club...not too many yuppies there...i sat in the corner and read my rilke for a while in relative peace (aside from the fact that i had olarn leaning on me and connolly calling me on my cell phone from 2 feet away)...there was a watchers poster for the 1/11 hideout show up right at the entrance...that was cool to see...megan then insisted that i come over to her side of the bar where she was hanging out w/ matt...matt's really very sweet...he was nice enough to point out that i was wearing one of mike's pins, thereby saving me the embarrassment of seeming like a silly fan when i talked to mike...yeah, i know it's stupid, but i sometimes really dread talking to artists whose music i really admire...i am normally wearing TWO of mike's pins, one on my jacket & one on my purse...i had taken the one off my jacket, but i had forgotten about the one on my purse...

after closing time, megan & went over to see matt's apartment...we hung out...danced to mike's itunes on his ipod...i was totally getting into mike's collection of music on that computer...he had some of my favourite albums (although he didn't have disintegration which disappointed me because i still haven't found my copy...i might just buy another one)...i started making a playlist...mike came home later and surprisingly enough, i wasn't really scared of him any more...he really liked my choices in songs and put me in charge of the music for the night...he said something when i put on when you sleep by my bloody valentine (i guess he really likes them), and i told him that was the first mbv song i ever heard (courtesy of jenn & john, god bless 'em).

well, it was lovely to just play tunes all night...literally all night...didn't sleep hardly at all...fell asleep reading my rilke...he makes my heart so full sometimes...and then i dreamed i saw butterflies...i'd like to have that one again...

i'm actually going to see mike play tonight @ the fireside...i'm excited because i missed half his set @ schubas when denison played w/ him...there's a lot of rock & roll coming up...sweet jap @ the fireside tuesday, cursive @ the fireside again on wednesday, jeff tweedy @ the vic (WOOHOO) on thursday, archer prewitt @ the empty bottle on friday (probably won't make this one depending on what caleb & gang are up to) and watchers on saturday @ the hideout...and somewhere in there dickey's funky love bomb had better be giving me a private concert...yes, caleb and crew come to town on thursday (they better be...i've got tweedy tickets for the whole lot of them)!!!

anyways, i've been making note of some of the rilke stuff (letters to a young poet)...here's some stuff he said that really hit me:

"...you are so young, so before all beginning, and i want to beg you, as much as i can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer..." -- rainer maria rilke, from letter #4, letters to a young poet

i should get some more sleep...wondering what i should take for my head...

oh, by the way, i have revamped my photo page...i have created one page of my digital photos http://www.sarahjanerhee.com/photos.html and one of my (mostly) nondigital photos at http://www.sarahjanerhee.com/photos2.html. i've been trying to add more photos...

been listening to--
frigid stars--codeine
sound of confusion--spacemen 3
perfect prescription--spacemen 3
no depression--uncle tupelo
lost souls--doves
rehearsals for departure--damien jurado
loveless--my bloody valentine
10,000hz legend--air
in hospitable--beatnik filmstars
kingsize--the boo radleys
murray street--sonic youth
the everyday separation--absinthe blind
s/t--blur
blind--the sundays
laid back and english--beatnik filmstars

well, it's 2003...and here's how i'm feeling, in the words of the lovely neil halstead (of slowdive & mojave 3):

when was the day
when suddenly
all of the time rolled away
you were drifting along
having some fun
when you noticed the clock

suddenly everything
fell out of place
you burned all your bridges
cos you grew up too late
and the people you love
are just so far away
when you're drifting

ten years on the road
and you still can't make it back home
you were caught out on your own
still waiting for the whistle to blow

yeah...i feel like i'm drifting...

new year's eve was lovely...spent it w/ pete & sam @ redted's party & also w/ amy & josh & lielle via cell phone...met lots of lovely people...had some really really nice long deep conversations...

and all i want is a bed of rising room temp pizza dough in the winter and a bed of thick soft green moist moss in the summer...well, that's what i want today...

i was happy for 26 hours for mysterious incomprehensible reasons that are beyond the grasp of my mind.

been listening to:
lots of mojave 3 & neil halstead
being there--wilco
murray street--sonic youth
loveless--my bloody valentine
fun house--the stooges
other stuff...

p.s. i got to hear a copy of the watchers new cd...it was awesome!! i was really impressed...