Shutterbug Mama

well, i decided to leave work early (4:15--that's not TOO early for a friday, is it?). i figured traffic was gonna be a bear, and i have to take a shower and meet rt during his dinner break at 8, and after tuesday nite's disastrous backfiring of my "let's-wait-for-traffic-to-die-down" plan, i decided to brave the congestion...the only thing bad about that is that i really get crazy bored, and i sneaked a smoke in my rental car...i really am not smoking any more...i quit...not that i ever started...but i'm trying not to smoke at shows or even after eating out...i did have one at the place that my car got towed to because the guys in there were smoking, and i figured i needed a cig after everything i went through that night...but really, i'm trying not to smoke, so don't ask me for a cigarette cuz then i'll want one too...rt jokingly said we should have one when we went to dinner wednesday, but i was strong and i reminded him we'd quit...but today i wasn't so strong...oh well...

anyways, i'm probably gonna work all weekend...i have a project that's kicking my ass right now...that seems to happen pretty frequently these days...it's the same project that kept me up working all night long before i flew out to seattle in august...i have to produce the same file again, except that our vendor totally changed the specs and then gave me one week to turn it around. so i've basically been staring at the specs wondering what the hell i'm supposed to do...i'll have to figure it out between now and monday i suppose...

so today as i was driving home, i purposely drove in the left lane on the edens cuz i wanted to see if i could find the spot where i'd hit the median...we were going slow enough, and it was still light out, so sure enough, i saw this spot on that barrier w/ a big chunk on concrete broken off just south of the 36.02 milemarker. i was like, "YES!" cuz i was hoping after what that barrier did to my car that i'd at least left a little dent in it. i hope the insurance company totals it...i don't wanna drive my car anymore after what it's been through. rt says i should buy his outback cuz it's 4wheel drive and a lot safer, but i don't know...i was thinking more along the lines of an MG...yeah, right...i'll probably get some beater and try to only drive it around when i have to. we shall see...

i got 8 hours of sleep last night. wow. that's amazing. maybe it's cuz bill's in town and he's always telling me to get more sleep...well, if he asks tonight, i'll be able to say i got me a full 8 hours.

yes, bill mallonee of vigilantes of love is playing @ the empty bottle tonight. i think jake & kevin are gonna play with him too. that'll be so awesome to see them again! it's been like 6 months since i saw those guys! yay!

today's entry is rated ISA! for I'M STILL ALIVE!!

oh, it's true...i'm still kickin'...and punchin' too...rt & i sparred yesterday and he taught me some kung fu moves...oh my gosh it was so much fun! i punched him in the nose too! i'm going to kick his ass one of these days, i am i am i am...i am currently working on a 9th drunken god...it will be called drunken break dancer, and all moves will occur low to the ground, preferably on my back or side, with legs of fury and tricksy hands...subcategories within this style will be drunken caterpillar and drunken helicopter...

so yesterday i was a sorry little carless ragamuffin, and rt came and got me. i thought we were just gonna hang out or whatever, but rt said we were on vacation, and when he said that, it totally changed the way i looked at the day...it was magical, almost...so i really did take on the mindset that we were on vacation, even though we never left chicagoland and it was FREEZING...needless to say, it was an AWESOME one day vacation...

we started our little vacation at cold comfort cafe & deli on north & leavitt for brunch. it's a nice cozy place and totally empty on a wednesday at 11am. rt says it's packed on the weekends. the rest of the day was absolutely lovely...rt's childhood haunts....the drum pad (the country's largest drummers store) in palatine where i became acquainted w/ "the thunder maker" and the finger piano, my new favorite instruments...dundee, IL, a quaint little town on the fox river right out of a movie...drinking hot cocoas at kava kava, a coffeeshop in dundee while rt sketched a picture of the building across the street and i took photos...rt discovering for me that i could create a cool distorted effect w/ my wide angle lens by not attaching it to the camera...tour of rt's parents' house and hearing stories associated w/ all the rooms...playing piano and teaching rt to play mary had a little lamb w/ two hands...mexican guitarist and half a pitcher of margaritas and a shared enchiladas plate @ el molina's...watching the bachelorette in disbelief and yet mesmerized...kung fu moves and (bad) kung fu movie...kicking rt's ass on samurai showdown (actually, he kicked my ass more than i kicked his, but i had a bad hand from my car accident...)...long talk over tea...petting sniper the cat goodbye...seeing deer bound across the street on our way home at 4am...all in all, i couldn't have asked for a better one day vacation...

well, i ended up going to the doctor today to have my left hand looked at...when i woke up this morning, i couldn't do anything w/ it cuz it hurt so bad...it was ok yesterday, so i don't know what the deal is...i think it's from playing samurai showdown w/ rt...those game controls are a killer on the hand...anyways, i got worried i might have a tiny fracture or something...the last time i thought i had a bruised limb, i waited 10 days before getting it xrayed and i ended up having to have surgery to implant a pin in my finger, and i was wolverine for a few weeks...so i got to have xrays taken, although my doctor thinks it's just a really really bad bruise. the bruise is the size of my entire hand. yuck.

i am now driving a blue neon from alamo. rt & i were conveniently passing by ohare on the way home from his parents', so i had him drop me off at the rental place since i'd been planning on taking the blue line up there at 7am and then taking the shuttle bus to the alamo station...by having rt drop me off and doing the rental at 4 am as opposed to going there myself via cta at 8 am, i probably saved myself a good 2 hours. and 2 hours in the morning before 8 am are precious, precious to me...

i had my performance review at work today...2002 was a sucky year for me...my boss euphemistically put it as "not a typical year for sarah..." meaning i was not my stellar self...well, just think about it...based on the holmes rahe social readjustment scale, i scored over 400 life change units...300+ = 80% chance of illness, so i'd say mathematically speaking, i have 100% chance of getting sick. that means i've had an earth shatteringly life changing year...that's stressful, man...but my boss is so awesome...she's never once scolded me for being so unmotivated lately...and she really wanted to know what i wanted to do so i wouldn't want to leave...i doubted she'd let me implement an independent radio station for our locations for which i would pick out all the music...so i told her some things i was interested in doing, and she was really supportive. one of the things i want to do is facilitating training...that would mean i'd get to travel more! too bad we don't have any locations in seattle...i hope that works out...work...i'd rather not...but i must...starving musicians to support...

i found this poem in the notebook of my journal from last year...i showed it to rt and he liked it, so i guess i'll share it with the universe now...this was written the day before my dad died, while i was with him in the hospital...


i am on my hands and knees
digging furiously through
the dirt in which my
childhood is buried.
when did this garden get
so overgrown with
flowers and vines i
don't even remember
planting?

this is how i've been feeling lately...that whole catcher in the rye motif...i don't want to let go of my childhood...that's when things were safe, my dad was superman, and everything was new and fresh and full of wonder...i don't want to lose that connection to childhood, to that place of purity and wonderment...is that too much to ask??

rt made an interesting distinction between the "flowers" and the "vines", like the flowers are the good experiences, and the vines are the tight and constricting experiences...i didn't even think of it that way when i wrote it, but it makes sense...

well, i'm not sore this morning...not really...thank god for advil...rt is coming to pickup my carless sorry ass, and after breakfast he's gonna take me up to his old haunts where he grew up in the burbs. at least i have some one to keep me company today...

this morning i listened to 1991-1998 by the smoking popes.

p.s. if i DO die, my last will and testament is that caleb j d maskell gets all my instruments to disperse of as he wishes. but he must play the gibson at my funeral. the gibson is currently at the chicago music exchange, so he'll need to bail it out. there, caleb. that should work, right?

this entry is rated IGTBA! for I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE!!!!!

the following is an email to my boss:

"well, so i didn't leave work until probably 7:30 or something tonight, thinking i'd beat traffic by then, right...well, yeah, boy oh boy did i beat traffic...unfortunately, i would've been better off leaving at 4pm when it was 127 minutes from deerfield road to the loop, cuz that would've meant i was going 2 mph as opposed to the 60 mph i was going on the edens when my tire hit a little snow bank and my steering wheel decided to try to murder me by losing control and flinging me into a very very hard concrete barrier, which didn't like being smashed into and flung my car away, making it lose control through 3 lanes of traffic and spinning me around so that when i finished my oddessy, i was facing north in the southbound rightmost lane of the edens just south of old orchard. i though those cars coming at me head on were good samaritans stopping to help when i realized i was still actually in a driving lane and so i quickly managed to pull over to the shoulder, still facing the opposite direction as everyone else on that side of that really hard concrete barrier. my air bags had deployed and smashed the faceplate of my cd player, for which i was very sad.

no broken bones though. at least i don't think so...and the airbag must've done what it was supposed to cuz my face wasn't smashed in and my ribs weren't broken. my left hand might be broken though...i had this lump on it the size of a walnut, and it's blue...it looked like the cartoons when someone gets hit in the head w/ a hammer...a nice lovely perfectly round lump...

the cops were pretty surprised i walked away from that w/out any blood or something broken, not to mention the fact that nobody managed to hit me (or vice versa) as i veered totally out of control while everybody else was going at least 60 mph. after that though everything went pretty well...a cop came within 4 minutes of the accident cuz someone was nice enough to call which was a godsend cuz i had no idea what number to dial...all 3 cops (1 skokie cop and 2 state troopers) were cute and polite and let me sit in the back of their vehicles...did you know once youre in the back of a police car, you can't get out? i suppose it makes sense...and did you know they don't have cushions back there? it's totally PLASTIC and hard as hell...i really couldn't have picked a better spot for an accident because my mom lives really close to the old orchard exit, but she didn't even have to come get me there, cuz the tow truck (FREE! care of the state...or your tax dollars i guess) took me to a body shop just a mile from her house.

i'm safe and sound at my apartment right now...i'm still surprised i'm not dead...it's funny...as i was in total noncontrol crossing 3 lanes of traffic, the thought that went through my mind was , "oh, crap...this isn't a video game..."

after 12 years of impeccable driving, i'm making up for lost time in 6 months...2 accidents in august, a speeding ticket in december, somebody did a hit & run number on my back bumper a couple weeks ago, and now this...my insurance will probably give me the boot...i think i'm going to go carless...

so that's my story, and i think it's enough to last the whole week.

i guess it's a good thing i took a vacation day tomorrow...i'm still gonna go out and have fun though...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...

see y'all on thursday, and drive really safe cuz there are crazy folks out there on them roads. like me. actually, i won't be back on the roads until thursday, so you can breathe easy until then.

i really am fine so don't worry about me!"

end transmission.

so yeah, that was my big excitement of the night. i told rt that i think some force out there is trying to kill me. like remember last month when i got hit by that car while crossing the street? ok, so i only got knocked to the ground, and i walked away from that one too, but still...it's weird...i now have a bruise on my right knee to match the bruise i got from that incident on my left knee. ugh...rt told me we need to go to atlanta so i can go to defensive driving school. that's where he went and took driving classes, the kind that race car drivers would have to go through...now none of you will ever get in a car with me i bet...wait till ryan hears about this...tonight was driving by braille the size of tree stumps...

and the morale of the story is, you don't know when you're gonna die, so make it a good one. and i just wanna tell you all out there that I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE YOU!!! I REALLY REALLY DO!!!

p.s. funny thing is when i got home tonight, i had an email from my friend brandon in bloomington that ended: "hope you're still alive!" like how weird is that?! and before leaving work, i had sent rt an email that ended "i'm still scared to leave work..." and then my previous post, that little poem about death and his arrows...shit, i had no idea that i was a frickin' target too! speaking of targets, i'm gonna have my first (and probably only) archery lesson on feb 15th. i can't wait!!!

today i was listening to loud, fast ramones when i did my own loud fast number...and then i listened to no depression when i got home.

sunday night after work, i went over to my mom's to take a shower cuz my pipes were frozen...my brother was at a super bowl party, so i think she was pretty glad to see me...i have to be honest with you...going over there is really hard for me because i miss my dad so much whenever i go there...his presence lingers in every nook and cranny in that place...while i was there, i found my notebook in which i'd written journal entries, misc notes to self, letters to josh i never sent and a few poems during my dad's last month and right after he died...it was so weird reading through it...i don't even remember having that notebook because i was always blogging on this thing...crimeny, i must have been writing CONSTANTLY...

there was a letter in there that i'd written to my dad...it was in korean...i know i wrote it during the last few days of his life because it was when i had started to spend the night in his hospital room...and it reminds me that i was the last person to be w/ my dad while he was still conscious and could speak and respond...

these are a few quotes from the notebook...

"cancer is the devil's love child with himself..."

"today my father turned 64 in a hospital room with hospital food surrounded by hospital things..."

"time is irritating me by being so stubbornly headed forward ignoring my pleas to slow down..."

"my emotions are playing tricks on me and have decided all of a sudden to be shrouded in a layer of mystery that i just can't penetrate. i am having a hard time figuring out what the heck is going on inside of me."

"death is shooting arrows.
his aim is sure;
his target--my father"

on a lighter note, my mom let me play uncle tupelo's march 16-20, 1992 album for her...when i first got no depression a while back, she put that one on herself...i explained to her why uncle tupelo was so important, who jay farrar and jeff tweedy were, about son volt and wilco...she listened and nodded politely. she told me she finds the music interesting, and she wants to hear it because i love it so much. i wonder if she'd get into bikini kill...i doubt it...

been listening to--
murray street--sonic youth
one beat--sleater-kinney
dig me out--sleater-kinney
reject all american--bikini kill
nemesisters--babes in toyland
s/t--le tigre
hungry for stink--l7
repeater--fugazi
steady diet of nothing--fugazi
argument--fugazi
a brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
entertainment!--gang of four
raw stooges--iggy & the stooges
summer teeth--wilco
march 16-20, 1992--uncle tupelo
substance--joy division
loud, fast ramones--the ramones

well, the burnt popcorn incident would've blown over quietly if nobody had used the microwave today...since that is not the case, the pantry once again smells of burnt popcorn...they need to figure out a better bag or something to prevent popcorn from burning to a crisp...or require that people who buy microwave popcorn have a shred more intelligence than people like, say, myself...

so anyways...saturday afternoon after the photoshoot at the pulaski park fieldhouse, i went to go see my friend john b. who has been working on building a solar powered electric truck for about as long as i've been friends w/ him, which is like over four years...john taught me everything i know about databases that i didn't already know intuitively...he let me pirate all his code for work...we used to share an office together 5 months out of the year for a couple years, and we would talk for hours and hours about anything and everything under the sun. john is the one who introduced me to environmental issues and eating vegetables in mass quantities. i would also have to credit john for shaking me out of my slumber those years when i was floundering about not knowing who i was. he really challenged me to think critically for myself...i don't think i'd be where i am now without his influence. he's been a huge support for me these past several years and we always have a ton of fun...like when he introduces me to his friends as his love child from back when he was serving in viet nam.

anyways, john has the distinction of having the only solar powered apartment flat in the city of chicago. and i was there when he had his solar debut party when he pulled the switch from ComEd to sunpower. so saturday afternoon, john was finally putting the engine of the electric truck he's been slaving over back on the chassis. this was another one of those milestones, so of course i showed up for it. there were a couple people there filming the event and interviewing john for a documentary that a show on the A&E channel is doing on john because he's such an interesting person. did i mention he's also a master ceramicist? and can play the piano? and speaks fluent french? and is an outfitter for wilderness canoe trips to quetico provincial park in canada's boundary waters? i went on a week long canoe trip w/ john a few years ago, and being in the wilderness like that changed my whole perspective on life. i was the only girl on the trip, but good ol' john didn't let me play princess...he made me do a little bit of EVERYTHING, including portaging a canoe all by my little self. thank god it was the shortest portage on the trip. yeah, it's about time y'all met john...he's a pretty important figure in my life.

after the solar roller event, i went to the garden lounge, the coffeehouse @ the evanston vineyard that my friend chris langill runs. i credit chris w/ putting me on the track to discovering indie music back in the day. it's been a while since the last coffeehouse, so this was kind of a new season opener. it was totally packed! i couldn't believe it...it was more crowded than wedding receptions that have taken place in that space...it was a cd release party for andi & i, a husband and wife indie folk rock/pop duo. andi, the wife, has one of the most soulful voices i've ever heard. i love hearing and watching her perform.

it was quite a varied show, opening up w/ andy young on hammer dulcimer & al on guitar playing some celtic music...then andi joined them...and later mike choby the most amazing bass player ever (he inspired me to take bass lessons) got on stage...then the drummer (tim?)...then the keyboard player...it was a full band, and they got pretty funky...they actually did a version of kung-fu fighting w/ the disco ball spinning around...and in between, there was a lovely song that al sang for andi (tupelo honey by van morrison) and even an andi impersonation contest which was pretty hilarious. i had to leave just when things started getting funky (funk rules!) because i had a chinupchinup/appleseed cast show to go to @ the empty bottle. all in all, though, i'd say it was a smashing success of an evening.

i missed chinupchinup, which is ok cuz i see them like all the time. i'm sure they played well. they were pretty tight when i saw them a couple months ago. rt was there already talking business w/ chris from chinupchinup when i arrived for the show. i didn't really get much of a chance to talk to him cuz he was busy talking business, i guess. but he did watch appleseed cast w/ me cuz i wanted him to see their drummer play. i LOVE ac's drummer! he is soooooooo NUTS!! i inevitably end up just watching josh the drummer because he's so frickin' mesmerising!! i swear, i think he drank an entire gallon of water during the show--he was drinking out of a PITCHER. i'm always scared he's going to go into cardiac arrest, the way he plays and all...his performance alone was worth the price of admission...but then you add on top of that the absolutely beautiful guitars...and the keys add a nice spacey touch...it's all good...pete missed the show cuz his flight got in late, and the roads were all snowy...next time though!

serene is starting another tour wednesday...unfortunately, jesse's not drumming w/ them cuz of stuff going on at home...i'm soooooo bummed...this means i'll have to go out to seattle sometime soon to see him...and if i don't go to SXSW, i'll have to DEFINITELY go to seattle so i can see ian too. i just got an email from him telling me i gotta come and hang w/ the fam...i totally totally want to!!! if i go to SXSW, i'll go on thurs night, make it in for the arena rock records showcase and see ian and his band...and there are so many others...damien jurado...IDLEWILD...death cab...etc etc etc...speaking of idlewild, they're playing the double door on 3/21!!!! eeek!!! an idlewild concert i can WALK TO!!!! i ran into my friend butta, chicago's bootleg master, at the appleseed cast show, and he gave me a heads up on it. i'd given him a mix cd of idlewild songs at the last appleseed cast show. oh, remember that song i wrote about my buttons last week? well, it turns out butta wrote a poem about buttons too! but he calls them pins. is that weird or what!

ok. that's it for now...

this entry is rated P for pathetic.

you know how on microwave popcorn, the instructions say not to leave popcorn unattended while it's popping? well...that's a good tip to follow...and when you're popping popcorn in your office pantry, it should be MANDATORY...

yes, it's superbowl sunday, and i'm at work, and yes, i left the pantry while the popcorn was in the microwave, and yes it burned something awful...i went and got the security guard because i was afraid the smoke would set off the fire alarm, and then the lake forest fire department would be taken away from their superbowl activities, and i'd never hear the end of it from my coworkers...i think we're okay now...the fire alarm would've gone off by now, and i turned on the vent/fan on the microwave...the entire half of the first floor smells like burnt something or another...great...it's where the CEO's office is...thank god i didn't use the executive pantry...my ass would be toast on monday...i just hope the smell is gone by tomorrow...it's not like i can open a window or anything...i hate big corporate buildings with windows that don't open...

i'm such an idiot...i mean, when i wanna cook, i can make something quite tasty...then i go and do something like burning microwave popcorn...when bruce & i first started dating, i couldn't even boil water...literally...

well, the good thing about working when no one is here is that i can play music i normally don't get to play during normal business hours, like bikini kill, and i can play it as LOUD as i want...or as loud as my speakers can handle...more later...

so i totally forgot about my archery clinic w/ the lincoln park archery club today...it was about noon when i remembered, and it had started at 11am...by the time i got there at pulaski park, just about a mile from my apartment, there were only a couple people left. the instructor was still there, though, and he gave me a business card for someone who gives private archery lessons. it's all the way out in forest park, but i think my friends john & jon want to take the lessons too so maybe we could drive together...

anyways, i got the info i needed, and then i did a photoshoot right there on the grounds of the pulaski park fieldhouse...it's a pretty impressive building, actually. old...big...really turn of the century chicago...it was crowded w/ neighbourhood kids running around...i really liked the long hallway that overlooks the park in the back. i love long hallways in general...the angles they create are just so cool...

it was a lovely day today...i mean it must have been a balmy 27 degrees or something! wow! that's a heat wave compared to what we've had lately. it felt so good to be outdoors...i realized today that i don't get a lot of time w/ the sun these days since i basically go to work and then come home when it's way after the sun's gone down...the weekend is my only chance for time w/ the sun...so i really need to stop wasting time and get out there...maybe if i stopped staying up until 5 am on a worknight, i wouldn't have to catch up on my sleep on the weekends...we'll see...

so i finished reading life after god by douglas coupland for the upteenth time at around 5am this morning...that book just kills me every time...and this time it was even more significant because i've changed so much since the last time i read it, which was last march...last march when the rollercoaster ride a.k.a. my life began rolling...reading this book again was like looking into a clear pool of water and seeing my reflection...i don't know how doug coupland does it, but when he writes, it's like he's writing MY story...i'm sure everybody in my generation who reads that book feels the same way, esp. if they've got a few screws loose in their heads like me...

the last story really got to me...it's about the narrator's chilhood circle of friends and how they've ended up as adults...a generation that was raised without faith or beliefs...reading the story made me think of my own friends...how we've changed, stayed the same, gotten closer, gotten further apart...there's this one passage in that story that really resonates deeply with me...it's one of the narrator's friends who's speaking...

"i think about this...i think about how hard it is--even with the desire, and even with the will and the time--i think of how hard it is to reach that spot inside us that remains pure that we never manage to touch but which we know exists--and i try to touch that spot...man, what else is there? i've never touched that spot yet, but i'm still trying...oh, i know you guys think my life is some big joke--that it's going nowhere. but i'm happy. and it's not like i'm lost or anything. we're all too fucking middle class to ever be lost. lost means you had faith or something to begin with and the middle class never really had any of that. so we can never be lost. and you tell me, scout--what is it we end up being, then--what exactly is it we end up being then--instead of being lost?"

i'm looking for that pure spot inside me...i don't know why, but i need to touch something pure...and i want it to be something inside me...but unlike todd in this story, i did have faith to begin with...so does that mean i'm lost now?? sometime i feel lost, and sometimes i feel found...i swing on this pendulum of various extremes...back and forth, back and forth...life after god...what is there to life after god?

i'm going to the evanston garden lounge to see andi and i. then it's to the empty bottle for chinup chinup and appleseed cast. today i listened to fugazi's argument. that's all.

AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok. i feel much better now...

i grossly underestimated the scope of my current project at work, and it's been kicking my ass all day long...oh well. that happens to me a lot lately. i wonder why?

i just called my ex and we had a nice chat. exchanged details about our respective lives...i don't remember the last time we talked. he seems to be happy. that's good. i'm bringing home my cat in february...i miss aberdeen, but he's really bruce's cat emotionally...he'll have to learn to like living w/ a girl...he much prefers the company of men, i think.

you know what i like? i like pumkin ice cream. and scraggly looking fuschia flowers from the cheap pile.

i will take a nap when i get home...i will take a nap when i get home...i will take a nap when i get home...

ok. so how was i supposed to know that massaging a back for too long can damage it? rt thought his back was doing real good after the numerous hours of massage he got the past couple days...then he calls me from work around 8:30 and tells me his back is really, really sore and that he found out from a coworker that massaging the back for over 90 minutes at a time can DAMAGE IT!! uh oh...i think i inadvertently messed up rt's back...

i went to my mom's house after work, and out of the blue, i remembered that the ticklepenny corner show @ uncommon ground was in like 45 minutes, so i rushed out of there and into the city. i had planned on taking a nap this evening, but it was not to be...that's okay though because i got to see a FULL BAND show...and they did a bunch of songs off their new album which they're currently recording in minneapolis.

it was a good show...noah, the lead singer, told me after the show that the band hadn't practiced in weeks, but they sounded great, i thought. beth & noah are going to be in nashville when i go out there for the folk alliance thingie. noah said they're gonna play like 4 times during that festival. i just bought my plane ticket for nashville today. i can only go for the weekend portion, but i'm sure i'll get to see all our people play.

is it friday yet? thank goodness...this week seemed like it was soooooo long...i need a rest...

there goes the fear again...

i wonder what the world would be like if humanity weren't bound by fear...fear of failure...fear of being hurt...fear of abandonment...fear of intimacy...fear of turning out like our parents...fear of being alone...fear of death...

perfect love casts out all fear...that's in the bible somewhere, isn't it?

but what happens when you're afraid of love? what then?

i made a decision recently to not allow myself to be pushed away by fear...

sometimes i see people who need someone to not be afraid and to simply love them just the way they are, someone to not give up on them even when they push everyone away, someone who will keep loving, gently but firmly...

and i'm praying for the fear to be gone...from you and from me...so that we can love the way love was meant to be done...

been listening to:
nemesisters--babes in toyland
the pace is glacial--seam
control--pedro the lion
ask me tomorrow--mojave3
s/t--jimmy eat world
waters ave south--damien jurado
i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song

this entry is rated MSG for me so groggy...

i gotta say...trader joe's knows how to par-tay like it's 1999. it was fun meeting all the people rt works w/ and talks about. now when he tells me what a crazy fool t. is, i can put a crazy face to the crazy story...

it was great getting all that free wine and food...they's got some nice CHEAP wine...five bucks goes a loooooong way in their liquor department.

they did a frozen turkey/frozen ham bowl down the frozen aisle knocking down 10 water bottle pins...there were prizes and everything. there were also knocked down displays and broken bottles by the time that game was through.

after this shindig, rt's cohorts invited us out to stroga nona or something like that, a bar on southport near grace...rt didn't want to go at first...i think he was more concerned about getting his back rub in before the evening was over...but then someone mentioned they had $2 martinis on wednesday nights, and rt changed his mind...so we all went over to stroga nona's where we took over half the bar and ordered a lot of cosmopolitans...rt had his favorite, a melon martini, which is a lot like a melon ball, me & josh's drink of choice. some of the trader joe associates got into an arm wrestling tourney. rt is the standing champ from the late shift, but he didn't participate last night, although he told me that while i was in the restroom he had beaten everyone, but i know that's a lie because there's no way in hell anyone can beat jj. rt does have very strong arms, though. maybe cuz he's a drummer.

so i think i'm going to write the head honchos at trader joes and tell them they need me to work for them as like a community arts liaison. i was thinking it would be cool if each trader joes played music by local bands, so i would gather up music from the different regions and pick out playlists for the stores. that way we'd promote local artists AND probably be able to provide some good indie music to the customers in the process. i would also develop relationships w/ small independent theatre groups and support them somehow, maybe by providing snacks for rehearsals or something. and then i'd find local visual artists whose work we could display in the stores...like my photography for instance...it's just that i noticed that a good portion of the associates at the chicago store were somehow in the arts, either music or theatre...well, we'll see...i still dream about having a job that will pay me good money to just create playlists...i make AWESOME playlists, in my opinion. ask anyone who i've made a mix cd for.

this entry is rated G for groggy...

well, i think the nap did me SOME good...sheesh...rt's on his way to pick me up for a TRADER JOE party!! woohoo!!! it's for the employees only, but rt gets to bring someone so i get to partake of the riches of that which is trader joe's...after hours...yeah!!!...free food and booze...that's what i'm talkin' about!

this entry is rated TBH for tired but happy.

can you believe it? it's 5 pm and i'm HOME!!! i succeeded in crossing off everything on my to-do list at work today, and i busted my ass so i could leave early, and by some traffic miracle, there were no delays on the roadways and i got home in like 40 minutes as opposed to 80 minutes. it's actually still light out...i can't remember the last time i came home from work while it was still light out...

i didn't really get much sleep last night. that's what happens when you don't wear a watch and you have no idea what time it is and you lose all track of time while you're engrossed in conversation...

i watched zoolander again w/ rt last night...i guess someone told him he looks like ben stiller in that movie...i don't think so...he's too tall...well maybe the forehead action..i don't know...

so anyways, like i said me & rt's little postal system experiment worked beautifully...in some ways, it was dumb cuz i had that letter w/ me when i was at his apartment like 3 times in one week, and what do i do? i make mj find me a mailbox that i could deposit it into like 2 blocks from their apartment...it wouldn't have been an experiment without seeing if it would reach rt the way i had it addressed...

i think i'm gonna take a nap...i'm way exhausted...

this entry is rated CAS for clean and sober.

well, me & rt's little postal system experiment was a smashing success! he got my letter without me using any stamps! it worked! he's bringing it over now so i can see what the u.s. postal system stamped on it...

pizza and movie and beer...i'm sooooooooooooooooooooo hungry!!! where is that rt??!!

i'm burning incense...patchouli...yum...megan would KILL me...heeheehee...i can't wait for her & jt to be in town. woohoo!!!

this entry is rated CLBG for clean language bad grammar. even the rating is bad grammar. shit. oh crap now i have to change the rating already. ok MLBG. mild language bad grammar.

anyways...i worked like frickin' 12 hours today...damn fedexes...but the peoples gots to be paid, so i obliged...i started getting a bit loopy towards the end of the day...i put my holden caulfield equivalent hat on in the office even though i wasn't a bit cold...my v.p. walked by my office, saw me wearing the hat and asked me if i was cold...i said no and didn't explain why i was wearing the hat...i felt silly saying it's my holden caulfield equivalent hat...he gave me this weird look, and he's like, 'are you on drugs? i'm gonna have a talk w/ your boss...' it's just a hat...people wear hats all the time...maybe not in a corporate office during work hours but who gives a flying baboon's ass? anyways, as i was driving home at approx. 7:30 pm, i noticed a weird looking moon in the eastern sky, so i decided to take a little detour into evanston to the beach by the lighthouse where i've seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets and moonrises and starlight and all that wonderful stuff. the beach was deserted when i got there. of course it was. it's frickin' january for crimeny's sake!! only stupid people like me go for a walk alone on the beach in the dead of january in chicago. but i didn't mind the cold. well, okay, i did. but it was worth it to hear the sound of the waves...i love the sound of natural huge bodies of water...especially at night when your visuals go dim and your sense of hearing is heightened in the dark...

i love this beach...it's tiny, but no one's ever really there, even in the summer...the sand is kinda hard now, and there's piles of snow along the waterfront...it was like walking on the moon...i always go there to be alone...not that i'm not usually alone, but it's just one of those places that's kind of a haven for me where i can talk to myself without feeling like a freak...and i like having that lighthouse right there...there's something about a beacon of light that is comforting to me...it's so steady and faithful...

sometimes i just talk to the air...the open space...i love wide open spaces...the sky has been a friend to me for as long as i can remember...i've always looked to the sky in wonderment, be it day or night...and the sky is so big over the lake...it's relatively dark at this beach, so when it's clear out, you can see the constellations...shooting stars and stars in general do still break my heart...i want to kiss the stars sometimes because they're just so damn beatiful...

after nearly suffering frostbite, i went back to my car and thawed out a bit...then i decided to go home the long way, the pretty way, the CURVY way, the FUN way down sheridan road...god, i love that drive...except tonight there were some exceptionally slow drivers out...i'm sorry, but 25mph is not acceptable when there's NO FRICKIN' TRAFFIC!!! those slow cars almost took all the fun out of the curves for me...

so i had me a nat shermans while driving down sheridan, and i was flying high as a kite...driving through evanston down sheridan brings back so many happy memories, some of which even include bruce...drove by beaches i've done photoshoots and hung out at journaling and smoking bidis on the rocks...drove by loyola park where i spent one of my favourite summers being a beach bum...drove by the street where josh & lielle lived for the winter last year...drove by my first apartment out of college on estes...i am such a hopeless sentimental fool...well, i really needed a beer...so i decided to call pete to see what he was up to, and it just so happened that as i was headed south towards the city, my hyde park boys pete & sam were headed north towards uptown to go thrifting for half-off mondays @ unique thrift shoppe on sheridan and wilson, so i met up w/ them there.

after a bit of thrifting, we drove down to the clubhouse next to the metro where the extremely sold out zwan show was going on. between the 3 of us, i think we bought like 15 buttons or something. we're nuts. i told sam when i die, i wanna be buried w/ all my buttons. oh wait, i'm gonna be cremated...i'm gonna have to rethink this one...anyways, after the clubhouse, we found this little alcove next door w/ a HEAT LAMP and walls dotted w/ colored stars!!! those of you who know me know i'm crazy about stars! so i made sam & pete participate in a photoshoot. i think they look so cool...sam smoking his cig and pete on his cell phone. with his mother. ha ha ha!

after the miniphotoshoot, the three of us went to mcd's for a pee break...none of us really wanted food there, so we decided that the only sane thing to do was to head to the hollywood grill...and so we did...pete & i wanted like eggs or omlettes but we also really wanted beer, and we thought it best not to mix the two so we had our standard grill cheeses. i love eating w/ pete. he always eats off my plate. i gotta say that MGD tasted so good after the crazy work day i had today. and it's always nicer to drink beer w/ other people. esp. people like pete & sam. i love those guys! they're my southside version of olarn and connolly. i just wish pete & amy wouldn't move away.

so yeah, that was my night...some alone time to unwind at the beach on a lovely cold january night and then hanging w/ my hyde park boys...

now i promised megan i'd be in bed by 2 so i think i'll end it here...wait...one more song...

love song by driving by braille
hey mister, i want me some buttons!
do you have bikini kill
or maybe L7?
and i want the clash
or how bout babes in toyland?
and for my hyde park boys
that skull would be nice
and that anti-drug marlboro one
would look great on sam
and when i die
stick these buttons in my heart
cuz i likes my buttons
and that ain't no lie

goodnight.

today i listened to--
love is here--starsailor
nemesisters--babes in toyland
hungry for stink--L7
very emergency--the promise ring
wood/water--the promise ring
blind--the sundays
static & silence--the sundays
s/t--the velvet underground
summershine--vigilantes of love
being there disc 2--wilco
brief history of the 20th century--gang of four
dust--screaming trees
loveless--my bloody valentine

self-imposed rating: uhm...i'd say pg-13...i don't know...at what age do you start using words like ASS? oops..ok whatever...

my job is currently kicking my ASS big time. i just wolfed down my lunch cuz i have like 80 fed exes to send out. i will probably get sick once i get home...

i'm surviving on adrenaline and the velvet underground and the sundays and the promise ring. oh and the vigilantes of love. summershine just came on! it's gonna be a better day from here on out...i love bill...

i think i'll write a song before i leave my lunchbreak...here goes...

mondays kick my ass by driving by braille
MONDAYS KICK MY ASS
I DON'T WANNA WORK!
I DON'T WANNA WORK!
I JUST WANNA NAP!
WANNA NAP LIKE A CAT!
LIE IN THE SUN ALL DAY
DOING NOTHING BUT PURRING AWAY!
WHY CAN'T I BE A CAT?
WHAT BE WID DAT?
EH?! EH?! EH?! EH?!
TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME WHY!!!

back to breaking my back for beer bucks...

it's < 7:30 am and i am in the office already w/ both computers blazing...this can only mean one thing...the end of the world is at hand!!! the earth will flip on its axis then moonwalk 492,829 miles closer to the sun!!! saturn will shed its rings!!! the milkyway will turn into yoghurt!!! orion will finally shoot that damn arrow of his and put his arms down for once and for all!!!

i got like 1.68 hours of sleep last night, but i was fine...excited about wearing my new holden caulfield hat (and i got matching mittens to boot which i didn't mention before...the type of mittens w/ fingers that hide away ya know?)...really liked my new babes in toyland cd driving in to work...everything was unusually good for a monday morning...made a lot of noise going into my office so whoever happened to be in would know that i was here at 7:15am as opposed to the way i usually tiptoe in at ~10 am...i turned on my computers...yadayadayada...and then as soon as i heard the windows musical greeting, i had a pavlovian reaction and i crashed...heavy eyelids...blurry head...twitching right side of the face...the works...shit...i don't normally drink coffee but for the sake of keeping my job cuz i have a zilliongatrillionabillion things to do today i think i will consume some caffeine...i could really use some trader joe's chocolate covered espresso beans right about NOW...

but on my merry way to work this morning, i mulled over the idea for my band. yes, i'm gonna have a band, even if it's only in the recesses of my imagination...i've come up with a name...it will be called DRIVING BY BRAILLE...yes, that's how i normally drive in seattle according to my friend ryan...and i've written my first song for the band. here it is...are ya ready?? ok...

the abc song by driving by braille a.k.a. yours truly a.k.a. sarah-ji
AY BEE CEE DEE EEE EF GEE!!!
AITCH AYE JAY KAY EL EM EN OH PEE!!!
QUE ARE ES TEE YOU VEE!!!
DOUBLE-YOU EX WHY AND ZEE!!!
NOW I KNOW MY AY BEE CEES!!!
NEXT TIME DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME!!!

it's a short one, as will all our songs be...

i've gotten such a potty mouth lately, haven't i? or shall i say potty fingers since i'm typing? well, i would like to take this opportunity to apologize to rand, my little cousins, my brother, and i hope to god my mother doesn't know about this thing...some people are more sensitive than others to that kind of language...since i'm not going to censor myself, maybe i should come up w/ a rating system for each entry...like "this entry rated R for the 'F' word and bad grammar" or something like that...then my gentler readers can skip it. i don't know...if you happen to read this thing and you would prefer i gave warning please email me. otherwise i will cuss to my heart's content. over and out.

tonight's entry is an email to a friend modified to protect the guilty (which includes myself)...

today was a weird day for me...this whole weekend has been weird...i spent a lot of time alone and wrapped up in my thoughts, which is not always a good thing...today i kept my promise to caleb & pierre and dropped off my gibson @ chicago music exchange to be set up...then i browsed the used cd store and i bought modern english's after the snow (i'll stop the world and melt with you...that song always makes me teary-eyed), babes in toyland & L7 cuz i'm getting into the whole riot grlll genre, morrisey's your arsenal cuz morrisey rules, screaming trees and starsailor just becuz, and most importantly motley crue's greatest hits because it had my favourite song from my youth on it--home sweet home which i'm listening to now on repeat (you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold...)...then i bought a blue gingham shirt cuz it was like five bucks and i've been looking for a snapbutton blue gingham shirt for months...then i bought a coat with the name HOWIE stiched on it, maybe in hopes of becoming someone else...becoming HOWIE...because HOWIE seemed like a great person to be at the moment...i also bought a multicolored wool hat which i have decided is going to be my equivalent of holden caulfield's hunting cap...i am still wearing it now as i sit in my jammies writing this...

after my little sentimental shopping spree, i called up one of my best friends from high school olarn and we decided to meet for dinner...as i drove up to the northside where he lives, i went past some of my old (and recent) haunts...put on wilco's being there disc one and listened to misunderstood (when you're back in your old neighbourhood...the cigarettes taste so good...but you're so misunderstood...there's something there that you can't find...honest when you're tellin' a lie...you hurt her but you don't know why...you love her but you don't know why...)...

drove down broadway past the uptown bank...the building on broadway & catalpa across the street from st. ita's where my jr high friend jin & i played w/ her grandma's mutt of a dog charlie running around on the roofs, where the buildings are so close together we had a football field of asphalt as our playground and we ran and ran and ran as only children can...i drove down ridge ave...past the laundryland where i would go w/ my mom to do our laundry when i was only as tall as the washing machines...past the corner store on ridge and glenwood that was owned by my friend sandra's dad "poppy" where i would buy jolly rancher sticks for a dime (i bought way too many of those) just metres away from our first apartment in the usa...past the corner of clark & ridge where the jack in the box used to be where i'd have tacos w/ my childhood playmate ruthie before our tae kwon do class every day (gross, i know...what were we thinking...)...past my jr high apartment at paulina & ridge across from the heart of chicago motel...down peterson to california where i got gas at the bp amoco where i bought my first pack of cigarettes over a decade ago...around the corner down washtenaw to thorndale, a half block from my first boyfriend's apartment, a half block from where my best friend josh grew up and where his parents still live...to the stop sign at thorndale and california where my alma mater stephen tyng mather high school is located, where you can see the windows to the swimming pool where i have fond memories of the boys' swim team that many of my friends were on...down south on california to olarn's house on catalpa...picked up olarn, got a call from our other friend connolly whom we amazingly ran into at the corner of thorndale & california at the stop sign by the school swimming pool...followed connolly to his apartment so he could drop off his car...and we drove to the olive garden at mccormick & touhy...

over minestrone & salad, the three of us talked as only close friends can...about love and relationships and friendship...

after dinner, we went to dunkin donuts for coffee, and sitting on the stools looking out the window in between my connolly and olarn, i realised that i had it good...these two boys are devoted to me and love me unconditionally, and what more can a girl ask for in this life?...they've seen me through the breakup of my marriage, losing josh to new york, losing my dad the only man i've ever truly felt loved by, heartbreak after heartbreak, mistake after mistake...and they're always there for me...

driving back home after dropping off the boys, i drove down lincoln ave...noticed that hubbs the greekish fast food joint where my friends and i have hung out since high school got a facade lift...noticed that the brand new police station was open for business at berwyn & lincoln...drove past sulzer regional library where i would go in high school to do my "serious" research...drove down damen, a street which means so much to me these days...past xippo, the bar where i came face to face w/ the realisation of my own potential for evil 3 weeks ago...and i realised how much i love this city...the floodgate of memories opening wide and pouring over me as i reflected on the evening...listening to wilco's via chicago (searching for a home, searching for a home, searching for a home via chicago)...and i knew that i would be leaving chicago someday, that i had to leave and go to a place without ghosts and memories at every corner...and the tears welled up at roscoe and damen...it felt warm enough to roll my windows all the way down as i had my first cigarette of the evening...and i drove down damen, the path i took so many nights after being with my dad in the hospital...over the bridge at clybourn which to me symbolises the turning point, the access point between my old life and my new life on my own at my bucktown apartment...and as i passed the onramp to the kennedy at webster & damen, i prayed that god, wherever and whoever he was, would not let me go...

and with my heart brimming w/ a whole spectrum of emotions, i drove and drove, past churchill which is where i should have turned...and i drove past a friend's apartment where i learned so much about who i was by finding out who i wasn't...down the kennedy to the eisenhower to morgan to harrison to halstead at the corner where the UIC dorms are, the corner dormroom on the 4th floor where i spent countless hours my freshman year w/ my friends as they cut class and played cards while i listened to cheesy korean pop and stared out the window that overlooked the downtown skyline and daydreamed my first quarter of college away...down halstead past UIC's circle center...to taylor...down to loomis...to the parking lot by the two towers...back on taylor to racine to harrison past the jewel parking lot where i parked my car the first day of college because i didn't know where the hell to park...past parking lot 1b by the Behavioral Science Building where i ended up parking my freshman year...down may st...down polk past fontana subs where i'd gone since i was a kid except it was on the opposite side of the street from where i remembered it being...back to halstead...past zorbas where we would eat in the middle of the night my freshman year of college...down madison past morgan where the starbucks is that rt & i sat in and talked last last friday...down washington past the museum of holography...down to the loop...to lake and wacker where i parked the car and did a photoshoot beneath the green line 'L' tracks on the bridge over the chicago river...i've always wanted to do a photoshoot from one of these bridges downtown...i always pick cold nights for photoshoots, i don't know why, but i was glad i had my hat...i love the loop...i love the 'L' tracks...

and then i drove home...and i felt good...photoshoots always put me in a better mood...

and i came home to the news that someone out there besides me had a thing for a jd salinger character...comforting to me that is...

and now, after writing all this down, i feel even better...because now i have a record of tonight...and it's important because i covered a lot of ground...geographically and mentally and emotionally...

musicwise, i listened to fugazi until i hit chicago nostalgia mode when i played wilco's being there & summerteeth and various lyrics from their songs got me teary-eyed all night long...besides the aforementioned lyrics..."baby you've been taking me way too seriously...i can't ever explain why i don't feel the pain...i left you behind and i know it's been a long time...but i'm not over you..." (forget the flowers)..."all i wanted to say is how much i miss you" (red eyed and blue)..."crumbling ladder tears don't fall they shine down your shoulders" (via chicago)..."how to fight loneliness...smile all the time...shine your teeth til meaningless...sharpen them with lies" (how to fight loneliness)..."oh i long to hold you in my arms and sway...kiss and ride on the CTA" (far far away)...etc etc etc...goodnight...

sj: well, i guess i'll see you in the near future, hopefully.

rt: i don't think so.

sj: ever again?

rt: nope.

sj: so this is it?

rt: yup.

sj: you're kidding, right?

(rt gives me a look of amused disbelief)

rt: of course! what are you thinking??

sj: well, i don't know...

does this conversation prove that i'm the most gullible little shit in the world or that i'm just a girl?

to further prove i'm an idiot and a girl, here is a little diddy i wrote a half hour ago...

quarter to 3
saturday nite
last call done and
passed me by
get me out
get me high
get me anywhere
but in my own skin tonight
i'm not confused
i'm not conflicted
i'm human
and i need to be loved
just like morrisey
just like you

lights turned up
tunes have stopped
i'm going home
good night.

and today this is what i accomplished: the entire daylight hours were a dismal failure. after it got dark, however, i went to trader joes where rt helped me pick out the best damn box of clementines in the store as well as a good bag of pita bread. then i went to uncommon ground and chatted w/ mike c. and dropped off ticklepenny posters. next i went to reckless records north and got a parking spot on briar right off of broadway, can you believe it?? and it was legal too. i then proceeded to purchase all the fugazi cds reckless had, le tigre's s/t, sonic youth's experimental jet set, trash and no star, the best of david bowie 1974-1979, and the sex pistol's pretty we ain't. next i went back home and put away the groceries and put my other shit away (e.g. out of site). then i watched zoolander. good god i love owen wilson...and that soundtrack...shit! like wake me up before you go-go...i remember how old i was when that happened...i won't SAY how old i was, but i was old enough to still be able to retreive the memory from right here in 2003...and last but not at all the least i went to see ethan spin @ get me high w/ rt...

i am in love with joy division's song atmosphere. the drum part makes me want to cry because it makes me think of all the drummers i so dearly love and/or admire immensely...jesse...rt...glenn...kevin...josh of appleseed cast...

if anyone knows where douglas coupland lives, can you let me know so i can kick his ass till he's bloody and then gently kiss his wounds afterwards.

and i still have an adorable affectionate cat available to a loving home.

oh, and rt tells me that all my newcastles are gone in his apartment...seems like SOMEBODY'S been drinking our beer and not sharing!!! no wonder mj's not picking up that damn phone...he's lucky i'm quite fond of him so i'm not even the slightest bit mad...c'mon guys...when has sarah EVER complained about other people drinking her beer? uhm...NEVER....sheesh, i mean i'm storing it at a fruckin' BACHELOR PAD for jimeny's sake!!! what, did i think the beer would mysteriously stay in their bottles w/ single men around??? i'm naive and gullible, yeah, but i'm not plain STUPID...

alright...i'm gonna go listen to some nice relaxing music as i fall asleep...something along the lines of i wanna be sedated...because i do you know...be sedated i mean...

i have failed at everything i set out to do today...

i'm sorry, caleb...i'm sorry pierre...i'm sorry todd...i have failed you ALL, dickey's funky love bomb...the chicago music exchange closed at 5:56 instead of 6:00!!!!!!

if they'd only closed when they told me...6:00...then i would have accomplished one thing that i set out to do today...yeah, right...it was hopeless and i knew it the moment i set out from my apartment with 5:38 flashing on my autoclock...

oh well...i AM gonna get my guitar setup, i AM, i AM...

i've been listening to a lot of loud music lately...like dig me out by sleater-kinney right now. and before that was daydream nation by sonic youth...and then there's joy division...ramones...gang of four (today was the first day in WEEKS that i didn't listen to any gang of four)...bikini kill...sex pistols...the clash...i'm just in that mood lately...give it to me loud and fast please...OH, yeaaaaahhhhh...

ok. i'm gonna go to the trader joe's before THEY close too damn it...dear god please let me get one thing right today please oh please oh please...

so here's what i am currently reading simultaneously...life after god by doug coupland...letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke...catch me if you can by frank abagnale...late and posthumous poems by pablo neruda...and my latest is the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger...add to this that i have been listening to gang of four's entertainment! nonstop and that i have just bought joy division's substance and a ramones compilation of quote unquote their toughest hits...when you take all this into consideration, you shouldn't be surprised at my current manic depressive state...

i came to a realisation this week...it's a rather disturbing one...and here is what i realised...this is embarrassing...but anyways...uhm...well...so it seems that ever since high school, ever since i read the catcher in the rye...well....i've been in love with holden caulfield all these years...oh, it's true...i am in love w/ a fictional sixteen year old prep school flunk-out who would chronologically be old enough to be my dad...now should i just leave it at that or shall i expound on my discovery? well, ok, it's not like i'm here pining for holden...it's just that one passage where he's telling his sister phoebe what he would do all day if he had his choice...about the thousands of kids playing...oh, wait, let me just quote that part:

"anyways, i keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, i mean--except me. and i'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. what i have to do, i have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--i mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going i have to come out from somewhere and catch them. that's all i'd do all day. i'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. i know it's crazy, but that's the only thing i'd really like to be. i know it's crazy."

it sounds silly for holden to want to protect these kids from plunging from the idyllic field of childhood into the phoniness of adulthood...but it's sweet of him to want to, ya know? yeah...i need to grow up...but do i really? they say that girls mature faster than boys...and women always complain about how immature men are...and yeah, some of them are a bit much...but what's wrong w/ being carefree and playful and innocent like a child? sometimes i feel like a little girl in a grown woman's body trapped in a world of grown people w/ grown-up expectations of me...

i am a hopeless cause...HOPELESS i tell ya, HOPELESS!!!

on a good note, connolly & i went to barnes & noble last night and ate at the thai wild ginger WITHOUT OLARN and i had me some tofu pad thai which generally puts me in a good mood...yes...thai boy stayed home complaining about not having slept well this week...now if i stayed home every friday night to catch up on the sleep i should have gotten the week before, i would NEVER EVER get to go out on fridays...suck it up, dude, you're not dead yet...

josh called while i was @ B&N w/ connolly, and it was good talking to him again...it's been a while...we exchanged our ideas on how to "save money." that's always nice...yes, josh is getting married in october...i will need to find a floorlength black dress by then...ugh...dresses...someday maybe i will learn to wear dresses but for now i am not into them at all...i'd rather wear pajamas...

i lied. i'm not cleaning my apartment tonight. that's what happens when you get stuck in friday traffic...you get on the phone and make plans and the next thing you know you're meeting connolly @ barnes & noble in 20 minutes and eating dinner and then seeing a movie...olarn better meet up w/ us...i don't care if the chinese giant mr. ming is playing on tv tonight...why would anyone want to watch a basketball game over spending time w/ me & connolly?

so i talked to josh and lielle...i am officially the "groomsmaid", best friend of the groom, for the wedding...i get to wear a BLACK dress...HA! and i get to walk down the aisle by myself. HA! that's good, cuz if i had to walk down the aisle w/ someone else, i would've gotten weirded out, like, woah, this feels a bit familiar and not too good...

if you need a laugh, check this out: THIS.

i need a laugh. i think i will go check it out again...

where oh where is art my network dude extraordinnaire??? i will rot waiting for him to get his ass here from westmont...i bet anyone any amount of money that he went home. c'mon..it's 4:10pm on a friday afternoon...would YOU return to work after an offsite assignment like that? nope. not me. that's for sure...shit...i can't do any work...so why am i complaining?

my friend allison at work lent me office space the movie so i can finally understand the jokes she and andrei are always telling each other. i am ready for some real educational entertainment this weekend...

i am going to clean my apartment tonight. for real....

if anybody wants a really adorable and affectionate cat w/ relatively good manners, please let me know ASAP.

yesterday after work, i went over to the wildwood to pick up some ticklepenny posters...megan was there visiting w/ leeanne and the boys. we had plans to go out for drinks & dinner. tim came home while we were there...it was good to see tim again...crimeny...it's been like a zillion years or something...once things quiet down at the job that pays me, hopefully we'll get to see each other more often. i miss the days at wildwood from the past summer...me, megan, tim, the boys...it was loads of fun for sure...

megan & i went to dinner and finally did our xmas exchange...she wrote me the sweetest card...it's nice to know somebody loves me...we had margaritas & some din-din and talked and talked about the definitions or lack thereof in our lives...then we went to flatlanders for more drinks...i'll always think of that night w/ ryan & jesse & greg & the lost dogs in the bar at flatlanders...that was one of the most surreal nights ever...ryan was so shitfaced...i fed him double jack & cokes all night long......i miss them...

i had a chimay...a little bottle...cost me $7...i could have gotten a LITER of the stuff @ trader joes for cheaper...shit, i've got TWO FULL HUGE BOTTLES at rt's apt...well, i hope they're full...they might not be so full any more...there's even a chance that they're empty...flatlanders totally hits the wallet hard...i remember when i was there w/ ryan, they charged us $12 for each double jack & coke...luckily, the bartender liked us and gave us so many free drinks...when i closed out the tab, it was like $50, and that's an entire bottle of wine, 4 double jack&cokes, and a few beers later. i love bartenders who give free drinks. lots of free drinks.

so i made this playlist at work today...i was looking through my jukebox on my laptop, and i happened to see anything box, and i really wanted to listen to them for some reason, and then i made this list of cheesy/new wave 80s & early 90s stuff...anything box...depeche mode...erasure...the farm...new order (rules)...the police...reo speedwagon (HA HA HA)...simple minds...and others i won't mention...i'll say one thing though...they're all singable tunes, that's for sure...every now and then, esp. on friday, you just need to play some tunes you can sing along to...