Shutterbug Mama

......do you know what happens when your boyfriend and two of his siblings move on the same day with one van between the 3 of them? you get really really sore...

...we had to do two trips to move teddy's stuff...i guess when you own 2 drum kits, that tends to take up a lot of space...we moved him from the 3rd floor to his NEW 3rd floor apt...i didn't count how many stairs were involved, but it was a lot from the way my leg muscles are burning today...

...12 hours of moving w/ a half hour grandaddy's sub break...i am having a very hard time ambulating this morning...

...well, it's over...

...so bill's show on sunday...well, there was a matinee show before bill's show @ schubas which means a 7pm show, and that band didn't finish until like 9:15...so soundcheck went way over...and 10pm on a sunday night is hard to get bill's fans out for a show...the audience was surprisingly young...i guess these were the folks who don't mind staying out late on a sunday, either cuz they have no jobs to be at 9 on monday morning, or cuz their bodies can handle it...

...it was good to see bill & jake & brandon again...i got to meet the new drummer, john, who turned out to be really tight, which is cool...he has this really beautiful drumkit...

brandon really looked like a college english professor, kinda like michael douglas in the wonder boys...he had on the preppy intellectual looking spectacles AND a tan corduroy jacket with the elbow patches...and then at one point he straightened out his papers on his keyboard in such a proffish way, i had to laugh to myself...

the one drawback of the show was that they had set up chairs, since the opening act was an acoustic solo singersongwriter set...i thought people would get rid of the chairs for bill & the band, but they didn't...i just don't see how you can sit through a rock 'n' roll show...oh well...

bill didn't do silver transparent, but he did do this really cool version of shirts and skins which was totally worth it...

speaking of bill, monica kendrick of the reader gave a favorable spot check for bill in last week's edition, which you can read right here...

after the show, ted & i helped debbie bloom who was working merch pack away bill's stuff...eventually, it was just the band, schubas staff and deb & tim of wildwood and me & ted left...we sat around a couple tables in the bar as the boys smoked cigars, and we talked about stuff until we got kicked out of the bar...bill & the boys will be on the road for quite some time...but i'm sure they'll be back in chicago soon...it's always so good to see them...

...well, the countdown is on for new york...i leave in 10 days for josh's wedding...

...oh, and i talked to jesse yesterday, FINALLY...he & ryan are going to come visit me the beginning of november on their way to dansville...i'm gonna try to get a couple shows for jesse to play at...i'm not sure where...if there's anybody out there who would be willing to pay decent money (couple hundred) for an acoustic set by jesse sprinkle of poor old lu & the world inside, please let me know...and ryan beatty of serene can play too...ryan's got some lovely acoustic songs...their trip will go from seattle to dansville (rochester), ny around the beginning of november...it doesn't have to be just chicago...anywhere near that route would be cool...

been listening to--
photo album--death cab for cutie
sound of confusion--spacemen 3
postcard stories--jenny choi
ghost of fashion--clem snide

ok..really quick now cuz ted's expecting me @ his apt to help him move @ 10am...

...saturday was the fundraiser event w/ the asian american leadership council, which is part of the chicago foundation for women...i had gotten jenny choi, a local indie artist, to come and play the show, since she's a) a woman and b) asian-american...i had sent her this long email about how i was a big panda panda fan (miss mia's band) and how i'd heard some of her songs and really liked her music, and when i met her saturday, she told me that when i'd said i was a panda panda fan, she was expecting me to be some 17-year old, and was therefore surprised by the rest of my indepth and impassioned email, which went on to iterate my feelings on the lack of awareness on the part of asian-americans regarding the indie scene, and how her playing this event might help to change that...i thought that was funny because when i posted about the panda panda show in august, i said, and i quote "the average age there that night was probably 17 or so..." i guess i was right...

anyways, my friend miki (cathy) song who coordinated the event seemed very happy about it, and i thought it went great as well...jenny played just w/ her keyboard, although her drummer phil was there to help out w/ sound, moral support, merch, etc...it was great to see this little asian girl singing her heart out...she's got lungs, man...i mean, her lungs must take up most of the organ space inside her rib cage...i got to see some old friends like connie & jae and met some new people like joyce of the asian social network and mae of CFW who's also on the asian american leadership council...and nanette was there too and she made some good connections too i think...

more later...

so after that event, i went to see old no. 8 w/ ted...old no. 8 is my friend pat buzby's band...he's the drummer...the lead singer was actually roommates w/ my friend steve elliot's sister's, and that's how i got to know of the band, cuz they played a book reading party for steve like almost 2 years ago...these guys play some really awesome rock'n'roll that's very whiskeysoaked...their musicianship is excellent, and they write some really catchy songs...they recorded an album w/ jay bennett's help @ his studio, and i know jay really liked their stuff from what pat told me...i really think these guys should be touring for a band like drive-by-truckers...

anyways...here are photos from that show...i made these black & white @ ted's suggestion, and he was right...the lines are much clearer in b&w...i knew this theoretically, but had been hesitant to do it...i think i'll do that more for shows where the lighting wasn't optimal...it's all red & orange lights anyway...if it were a metro show where the colors are absolutely gorgeous, i'd keep it color, but most other places just use mostly red & yellow & orange, so b&w is just fine...

well, i don't really have time to post about bill's show now, so i'll have to do that later...

i'm really excited about the new d-brothers' flat...teddy says it's nice & big, and it's like 2 blocks away from flo's, this really yummy restaurant that we ate brunch @ w/ nanette...

ok...that's it...bye...

i found a new park in my neighborhood...it's like a block south of the metra station on marshfield, just north of wabansia...it looks like a brand new park...all the equipment is new and modern and sturdy...teddy and i went there today after lunch...it was fun! i have to say that they've come a long way in park equipment...they even had this slide that was made up of all these rollers, and you slid down the rollers and got a butt massage at the same time...like how awesome is that?!

...teddy & his brother jason are moving into their new apartment on monday...i haven't seen it yet, but teddy's really excited about it...he's been living in the same apt. since he moved out on his own, so this will only be his 2nd apt in 6 years...his oldest brother greendeeve will probably move in the end of december once his lease expires...the apartment's in the river west area, i think, near chicago & milwaukee...it's one of those up & coming neighborhoods...still affordable and kinda on the edge safetywise...but the boys will be fine...

...i feel like there's a new season in life that i'm entering...you know how you sometimes get the feeling like you can't stay where you're at anymore? that things have gotta change? that you can't go through life doing the same damn thing day in and day out? that's how i've been feeling, and i think teddy feels it too...the times they are a'changin'...i don't know how or what, but i can just feel the winds blowing, and when that wind blows, you can't help but get your hair messed up a bit...

you know what i love about teddy? we can have these long hard conversations where i'll cry or whatever, and then an hour later, we're laughing and flying on the swings, carefree and having fun...teddy is the repository of the entire gamut of my emotions...and he evokes in me the whole colorful spectrum of feelings inside me...one day, i'll be so mad at him i could skewer him and roast him on an open flame, and then the next i can't help telling myself i am the luckiest girl in the world...thank goodness 90% of the time, it's the latter emotion...

and i am learning that love is powerful...it is fragile...it is silken like belgian chocolate...it is as rough as the open sea...love will make you do things you never thought you could, like swallow your pride...and like anybody else, i am human and i need to be loved...but i need to love just as much as be loved...

and i'm convinced that in the end, it'll be worth all the tears, sweat, time, confusion, fears and doubt...

been listening to--
ghost of fashion--clem snide
perfumed letter--bill mallonee
V.O.L.--VoL
rock action--mogwai

so last night, after my 12 hour shift, i came home and looked on my yahoo concert calendar and saw that the detholz! were headlining @ the abbey...for some reason, i thought that show wasn't until october...thank god they were playing last, which bought me some time to take a shower...i'm really glad i went cuz this show was different from the past detholz shows i've gone to...new stuff...it was awesome! they're playing their annual halloween show @ the bottom lounge this year...it should be awesome...if there's one thing that'll cheer me up, it's a detholz show...and besides, i knew derek would be there, and it's always good to catch up with him...and then of course there's the boys themselves...i admit i'm rather intimidated by jim the leadsinger cuz i think he's totally awesome...frontmen scare me...unless they're like way mellow and totally nonthreatening like ryan beatty of serene...although i suppose some folks might be a bit put off by his height...6'7" is kinda overtowering for most, i suppose...anyways, the show was totally awesome...and joel was there too...he's been living w/ the boys during his "visit" to chicago, which i guess is going on 15 months now...he's moving back to montreal in a week or so, which is sad cuz he's really cool...and he's a photographer too...

i must be really dense...i've listened to bill's song silver transparent like a million times, and it wasn't until i listened to it today for the million & oneth time that i realized the song was about bill's friend dying of cancer...the realization hit me like a ton of bricks when i heard the lines "morphine drips beside your bed/it's the only way to take off the edge" and it sank in cuz i saw in my head a picture of my dad in a hospital bed w/ his morphine drip...

...pain is an awful thing...seeing someone you love in pain and being helpless to do anything about it could drive a person mad...cancer really really sucks...

...on that happy note, i encourage...no, i URGE any and everyone in the chicagoland metro area to come out and see my favorite rocker in the whole wide world, bill mallonee w/ his band the tiny silver hearts, @ schubas on sunday night 10pm...david wolfenberger of the original harmony ridge creekdippers (e.g. victoria williams) will open...there are a lot of great shows coming up, but this is THE ONE SHOW that i have full confidence will not disappoint you, especially if you love good rock'n'roll & meaningful beautiful songwriting and you've never heard bill's music before...

it is 7 pm...and it is quite dark...so here we are again...every year, summer takes off without so much as a wave, and i'm left in the dark...and the cold...soon will come the days during which i will see no daylight whatsoever...how depressing...

...i have a lot on my mind right now...cool stuff to be happy & excited about...like bill's show this sunday @ schubas...(you should come...you won't regret it or i'll buy you a drink)...going to nyc in 2 weeks...ian's show @ schubas 10/17...then there's stuff to be stressed about...like work...paying for nyc in 2 weeks...being in a wedding...worrying about jesse's whereabouts (i am perpetually worrying about jesse...i can't help it...*sigh*...i love that little man)...and there's always the stuff to be depressed about...like dreaming about my dad...missing my dad...still learning to be independent and yet connected to other people...wanting god to be real...

...today i was slapped in the face by a sentence in the douglas coupland book i'm reading...it had something to do with the "inability to achieve solitude"... i spent a lot of time in solitude last year...maybe more than what was good for me...but 'spending time in solitude' and 'achieving solitude' seem like such different accomplishments...i have become painfully aware of just how fragile my selfesteem is...it is scary how easily i find myself hidden in a corner surrounded by seemingly insurmountable and impermeable walls built by my own two hands...and when it's too late for a way out, then i wonder what i've got myself into...

listening to bill/VoL

i am reading shampoo planet by douglas coupland...fyi, anytime i pick up a douglas coupland book, you can expect me to dig deep into my dark side...not in a bad morbid way...just in that lonely yet hopeful kind of way that will maybe shed some light on all those cogs and wheels and mush that make up my innards...luckily, the book's only 300 pages long, and i got through 130 pages today, which means this phase won't last too long...two more commute days oughtta do it...but i must warn you there are more douglas coupland books yet to be consumed on my shelf...including one that belongs to my jozka now that i think of it...better read that one next and send it off to him in annie arbor...

anyways, here's a little excerpt from my readings today...

[conversation between jasmine & her 20 year old son tyler]

"i am going to give you a piece of advice, tyler--advice i wish i'd been told in guidance class back in high school, in between the don't-do-acid and don't-drink-and-drive films. i wish our counselors had told us, 'when you grow older a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. it's called loneliness, and you think you know what it is now, but you don't. here is a list of the symptoms, and don't worry--loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. just remember one fact--loneliness will pass. you will survive and you will be a better human for it."

"i'll never be lonely, jasmine.'

"i can see that was a waste of breath, kiddo. well, try not to completely forget what i just told you."...

...[tyler:]...i have this feeling watching jasmine--that as you grow older, it becomes harder to feel 100 percent happy; you learn all the things that can go wrong; you become superstitious about tempting fate, about bringing disaster upon your life by accidentally feeling too good one day...

--from shampoo planet by douglas coupland

so how do you fight loneliness? just smile all the time...

and i saw my dad in my dreams last night again...ever so briefly...this time we were driving to church...and again, in my dream i knew my dad was sick...i wonder if it's worse to dream that he's sick but alive or to dream that he's well and to wake up and remember that he's gone...i can't remember the last time i dreamed he was well...

i remember the night my dad died when caleb sent me an email out of the blue, and i found out the next day that he'd met my parents a few years back, and he didn't know that my dad had just died but he described them from a time before my dad got sick, and i remember weeping because i had forgotten what that was like, and caleb reminded me what my dad was like when he was full of life and passion and vision...

...this is a pain i don't even know how to touch...

...and there is a fear that grips me when i so want to love...there is so much risk involved...so much heartache...do i even dare to be happy? "why is joy something i must steal?" as bill said...

...i have been an utter failure at love...my dad is the only person i showed my love to until the end, and that was in the face of what i knew was imminent loss...i am looking for the strength and courage to love in spite of the fear, fully aware that i may yet fail once again...

been listening to--
summershine--VoL
anodyne--uncle tupelo
disintegration--the cure

...i went to see susan enan open up for over the rhine @ schuba's last night...you can see the photos by clicking here...susan hung out with the wildwood gang during folk alliance in nashville in february, and rosie & denison both played shows with her in ireland this summer...i didn't know she'd be opening up for this OTR show until last week, and by that time the show was already sold out...luckily, tim put me & ted on the guest list so we got in...and i'm so glad because it was awesome to see susan again...she looked absolutely adorable and she played a great set...i'm sure most of the audience weren't familiar with her, but they took to her right away...i was up front taking photos so i could monitor the reaction of the crowd, and i could tell a lot of them just fell in love with her...i was really happy for susan...in a lot of ways, her songs and stage presence remind me of denison...both have a really warm rapport with their listeners, and both write simple and lovely songs, and both have such genuine believable voices...she's got an ep that's available on pastemusic.com that's totally worth the money...

i saw amy druck @ the show and scott patterson...scott told me & ted that he's moving to seattle next month...wow...that's what I want to do!!! oh well...at least that's another friend we can visit in seattle...

tim went to the austin city limits festival this past weekend cuz ian & his full band played...tim said this is THE festival to go to, so maybe next year i'll plan on it...we'll see...he seemed to have had a great time out there...i wish i could've gone to see ian...that would've been a blast to see his band play again...but he'll be in chicago in a few weeks, so i'll have to wait until then...i've thought a lot about ian these past few weeks since i've been having my dreams about my dad...i think he'd worry about me if he knew i was having these dreams...i've been meaning to tell him about them...and i also wonder how he's doing too...

well, well, well...the bachelor party weekend is over, and i have to say, i for one had a lot of fun...it was great to see josh again of course...it's always a vacation when josh is around, no matter what town we happen to be in...

on saturday, connolly, josh & alex picked me up in the afternoon and we went downtown to michigan avenue just to walk around...it's pretty nuts down there on a saturday, and this one was a particulary lovely one weatherwise, so it was even more bustling than usual...we passed various street performers...one dude was dressed in a silver suit and had on silver makeup and was playing some 80s style dance music on his boombox and dancing...he reminded me of a similar dude on fisherman's wharf in san francisco when i visited josh a couple years ago...then there was this other dude dressed up in polyester playing disco music w/ a big sign that said 'grad student discos for dollar'...he seemed to be making pretty good money too...then there was this girl dressed in turn-of-the-century garb who would stand totally still with one of her arms outstretched until someone put money in her hand and then she would change position and give them a little message...so josh & alex gave her 50 cents and they got a little slip of paper with a message on it, but it was pretty forgettable...literally...i mean, i really forgot what it said...

...after walking around for an hour, we met up w/ olarn @ the flattop grill on washington near halstead in the west loop near oprah's studios...we ordered a bunch of yummy drinks that were probably really expensive cuz i could not find the price for them written down anywhere...flattop is one of those stir fry places where you pick the ingredients & sauce and someone else cooks it for you...if you ask me, it's ridiculous to even go there unless you know what the hell you're doing in the kitchen cuz i can tell you from experience that it is very easy to mess up a stir fry, especially when you've got 50 different ingredients and 30 different sauces staring at you and all you wanna do is combine everything...that just doesn't taste good...i think you shouldn't have to pay as much for your meal if it comes out a disaster, which has often happened to me...

after dinner, we went to another mather alum's housewarming party a couple blocks away...her name is christina and none of us remember her from school, but she & connolly & olarn met when the boys used to go swing dancing every week...we hung out there for about an hour before heading up to martyr's for the world music festival performance w/ cyro baptista and his band beat the monkey...on our way out, josh's friends who used to work w/ him @ palwaukee airport @ priester aviation met up w/ us and so we took the whole party of boys up north to martyr's...teddy met up w/ us after he got out of work and so we were all at the show...

i happened to find out about the cyro baptista show that morning when i was searching online for stuff to do...when i read the description of his band, after the first 10 lines, i knew that was exactly what we wanted to do and i didn't even finish reading the description...i had no idea what a treat we were in for...all i knew was that they were a percussion orchestra, and that had been enough for me to buy the tickets...what i didn't know was that they were also dancers, actors, comedians, rock 'n' rollers, and overall some of the best performers i have ever seen...the show was literally electrifying...they had these really fascinating instruments, and they used all kinds of methods for making music, including the human body...it was like the blue man group on a smaller scale and without the splattered paint...none of us were expecting such a treat for only $10...i mean, that had to have been the best deal of a show i've ever seen...except for some free ones...

...we managed to get josh pretty drunk...he drank sierra nevada's all night long, and he was really drunk...really...it was quite funny to watch him dance and then say really random stuff...alex had a great time at the show, which i was glad about since he's from new york and has probably seen it all...all i could wish for that night was for longer legs cuz i couldn't see anything from the crowd without craning my neck and standing on my tippytoes...i resorted to standing on the footrests of a barstool to gain a few inches...sometimes it really sucks being short...

i was pretty exhausted on sunday...connolly, josh & alex went to a birthday brunch for another mather alum jen roberts...i met them afterwards @ josh's grandma's place in lincoln park...i've always wanted to meet josh's grandma cuz he's told me quite a few stories about her, and i must say, she lived up to them...she offered us beers from the moment we stepped in her place to the moment we left...her apartment walls were covered with her paintings...she is a lively animated funny woman, and it was fun to spend time w/ her and her husband greg...

josh & alex were flying out of ohare @ 6 so olarn, connolly & i went w/ them to the airport...we hung out a little...took some photos...i think we were all exhausted but in a happy sort of way...it was nice for us all to spend time w/ alex so that when we actually get to the wedding, we'll all already know each other and jump right into having fun together...

so i got out of my computer class, jumped on the blue line, got out @ damen & met teddy, josh & alex @ ear wax...the boys were just finishing up their late lunch on the back patio...it was soooo good to see josh again, and it was great meeting alex for the first time...he was really cool and laid back...we went back to my apartment and chilled waiting for connolly...we listened to some music...i played some blonde redhead & alex really liked them...he asked me if i'd heard any mars volta, and i said i'd heard OF them...i went to emusic.com and there was an ep there for download, so we listened to that too...teddy & josh started on the sierra nevadas...it was so much fun retelling stories of stuff josh has been through (he tells the best stories and he has the funniest things happen to him) or stuff that josh & i have been through...

connolly showed up a little after six and we went to wicker park to throw the red football...we got to take a photo in that mirrored window on damen where i've taken photos w/ my favorite people...now josh & i have a photo there too...it's kinda my version of the photobooth i guess...the funny thing was that i think alex looked into the window and was able to see that people actually lived behind those windows...that had never occured to me before and i put my face really close and looked really hard and sure enough, i could see someone's cd collection across the room...and the for past year and a half, i've been stopping in front of these windows taking photos...these folks must wonder about me...

greendeeve met us in the park for a while with his skateboard...he let me try out his board, and you know what?? it was really fun! i like the sensation of rolling across a smooth piece of cement balancing myself gingerly on this sliver of wood with wheels...i'm gonna learn how to skate now...teddy told me there are two girls who come to the skate park early in the morning when he goes there...

the boys threw the football around, and then around 7:30 we headed over to piece to say hi to young cho who we went to high school with...he's the general manager there...we would've stayed and had some beers or something, but it was rather crowded, and we just headed over to penny's noodles instead...dinner was yummy, and olarn finally caught up with us just as we were done eating...we wanted to go see lost in translation @ the century landmark theatres over on diversey & clark, so we all squeezed into olarn's car and rushed over there...

unfortunately, the show was sold out and there wasn't any other movie that we wanted to see...so we walked down clark and ended up @ an irish pub and had some drinks on the patio...did i mention it was friggin' cold last night? it was FREEZING!! olarn wanted to hit some bars over in wrigleyville, but i was really tired and wasn't in the mood for those types of bars...i just don't have the energy to be in swanky bars where i feel out of place...and the music in those places are usually LOUD and HIDEOUS...i'd much rather play my own tunes and drink my own beer...so we headed back to my apartment and did just that...it was much more laid back, i think...

and the weekend goes on...

well, josh is HERE!! he & alex got in around 1:15 & teddy picked them up @ the airport...just talked to them and they're on their way down to wicker park...teddy thinks he'll take them to ear wax...josh told me to scoot out of my training class (where i've been downtown these last two days) and join them, but i won't...i'll be there in a couple hours anyway...i told him i had some duvel in the fridge just for him so he should just relax and hang out for a little while...josh says teddy's a lot better looking than he thought he'd be...ha ha ha!

woo hoo!!!! i can't wait to see josh again!!!!

woah...like how did it get to be friday already? crimeny...ok...really quick now...tuesday was greendeeve's birthday and we celebrated by seeing the worst movie ever...it was called no good deed and true to its name there was absolutely no good deed about it...when keom asked me after the movie to give my reaction in one word, i actually gave 3..."torture! pure torture!" the others generally agreed...





we made up for the awful movie by going to bar louie in between my apt & dave's apt on damen...dave loves the desserts there...we drank beers (except jay & lauren who drank h20 and keom who had a dirty vodka)...we listened to the really bad satellite radio music...talked about upcoming shows...keom & i really wanna see jeremy enigk on october 8th...oh, and he says i really need to see mogwai...ok...maybe...we'll see...

the show that i REALLY wanted to see was built to spill and i really tried to make their 2nd show @ the metro last night but it was sold out…oh well…and i had even convinced teddy to go to the show with me…i've been such a lazy ass about making it to shows…i do want to see susan enan play w/ over the rhine on sunday…that's a sold out show too but tim said i'd be on the guest list so i hope we make it in…





i saw susan play in nashville and i really liked her songs…she made me wanna write songs & learn to play the guitar…i put in a good word for denison w/ her when he tried to get shows w/ her in ireland…he didn't need my recommendation though cuz susan had just played a show w/ rosie thomas and loved her…when i mentioned to her that deni was good friends w/ rosie, that was probably an automatic IN for him…susan is really sweet, and i'm glad she had the chance to tour w/ OTR…

anyways, teddy & i went to earwax cafe instead of the built to spill concert which was just as well...we shared a messy burger which is a black bean burger w/ a lot of stuff on it & it was quite yummy...i had ever eaten at earwax before, and that was our first time @ the new location...it's quite nice...much roomier than before...and CLEAN...from our seat, we could see all the rock show posters...we even saw a detholz poster for their abbey show next month on 10/23...my mom's bday! and their last show in chicago was on my uncle's bday...go figure...

so josh is flying in this afternoon w/ lielle's (his fiance's) little bro alex for a bachelor party weekend...it's really just gonna be us hanging out w/ connolly, olarn, teddy and whoever else wants to hang out...we're gonna do second city, maybe bowling, dancing, whateva...i was worried the hurricane would mess up josh's flight but would you believe he's scheduled to get in 20 minutes earlier??!! i guess the winds are strong up there from the east...makes sense i suppose...

ok...that's it for now...

been listening to--
ancient melodies of the future--built to spill
revival--gillian welch

(happy birthday caleb!!!)

teddy & i went to HPV for church on sunday...we were actually on time this week...pete & amy were there, and it was good to see them...it's been over a month since we last saw them & little elliot...we went over to their apartment after church cuz i was finally giving them one of my rocking chairs since little elliot loves rocking chairs...sam met us there and we all hung out catching up...turns out there was a lot of catching up to do on both sides...sam hadn't seen pete & amy since amy was still pregnant, and elliot's going on 5 months now, so that's a long time...

well, it turns out that pete & amy are moving back to long island at the end of the month...they'll eventually end up in denver next year where pete will be working w/ street kids...but both their families are in long island, and they decided quite suddenly this month to move back...it really sucks cuz i really wanted ted & pete to have a chance to hang out more...and i'm just gonna really miss them...

last night, teddy & i listened to gillian welch as we drove to museum campus downtown to enjoy the lovely evening...i sang 'i want to sing that rock 'n' roll' in my country voice for teddy...i love singing along to gillian cuz she sings in my range...teddy laughed and said we should be a country act together...i think it could work...teddy's got a pretty sweet voice, and although i don't know any country artists whose primary instrument is the drum kit, i think it could work...at any rate, there's just something irresistably beautiful about playing gillian welch & singing along as you're driving down lake shore drive on an especially almost autumn night...

...and even though there's a part of me that's sad cuz pete & amy are moving away, i know they'll always be my friends and that our paths will cross again...

summer is dwindling away...soon i will have to put away my tank tops & t-shirts & dig up my scarves & caps & sweaters and wear long johns under pants for blustery days...

speaking of seattle...i got a voicemail this morning when i woke up from jesse...he left it at around 2:56am...i think he was drunk...at 2:58am, ryan left me a message too...he was also possibly drunk...i swear, these guys never call me unless they're drunk...at first i thought they were calling to tell me they were 5 hours away from my apartment (i've gotten those calls from ryan before) but i think they're still safe in seattle right now...i don't know when jesse's moving back to dansville, ny...i just hope i'm in town when they drive through chicago...it's kinda funny to hear their voicemails first thing in the morning cuz my last thoughts before drifting off to sleep last night were of jesse & ryan...

been listening to--
run--john kim
time (the revelator)--gillian welch
s/t--rocky votolato
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato

standing in line for my coffee this morning, i happened to overhear someone say that her husband's father passed away this morning...and i wanted to say something to her...i wanted to say that i've had dreams this week in which i relived my own father's death 1 1/2 years after the fact...that i can maybe feel a version of what her husband must be feeling...but i didn't say anything...i couldn't...maybe because i know that there is no magical combination of words to lend suitable comfort in situations such as these...

i heard on the radio on wednesday (9/11) a story about how many of the families of the victims of 9/11 were just beginning to deal w/ the grief about now, 2 years after the fact, and how sad it was that many of the services offered to them for support & counseling were no longer being offered...apparently, it's not uncommon for people who experience such trauma to not deal w/ it until months and maybe even years after the fact...perhaps that's why i'm my own grief over my dad is starting to feel so fresh again...

today i had dinner w/ my friend sam in hyde park...sam is like a little brother to me...it was good to talk to him...i know i can tell him anything and he won't judge me or try to fix my problems...he just listens...it's been so long since we'd talked or even seen each other, so it was good to catch up...

so teddy & i found a new cafe to hang out at...i've been to it once before w/ my cuzin kris & her friend meg...it's the art gallery kafe (1907 n. milwaukee)...i had this drink there called the basquiat that was so totally delish...they play awesome tunes, have art on the walls, and comfy sofas to hang out in...they also have various games like scrabble & trivial pursuit & chess & connect four...wireless internet is available for free w/ any purchase, which is an awesome deal...the asian americal leadership council is having a fundraiser there on 9/27 @ 7pm w/ jenny choi playing...jenny is a really cool indie pop girl who fronts her own band and who's on double zero, a label run by ex-smoking popes dudes...she's got an album coming out this month and will be doing a cd release party w/ panda panda (miss mia) @ gunther murphy's on oct. 3rd...my friend miki is coordinating the asian american leadership council event and had asked me if i knew anyone who might play for the event...i wanted to ask miss mia, but i knew she'd just barely be getting back into the country from new zealand, so the next person who came to mind was jenny...she's been getting really good reviews for a while now, and i've been wanting to see her live...so i sent her an email and was really excited when she agreed to do the event...she's very supportive of the asian american community, so i shouldn't have been too surprised...anyways, i'm looking forward to that event...

been listening to--
skate punk
neutral milk hotel
johnny cash
88.7

the man in black has passed on...

and it makes me really really sad...

johnny cash will always be an inspiration to me...not just because of his music, but because of his life, so wracked with mistakes and brokenness, so covered in grace and contrition...

there is something so very beautiful about him...

there comes a time in one's life when it becomes necessary to bite the bullet and see with eyes of truth...there comes a time in one's life when it becomes necessary to face the darkness that has obscured the outpourings of one's heart and to turn on the light...there comes a time in one's life when one must allow the pill to be administered and then to swallow...

...i know your movements, old friend...you come like the wind...unseen but undeniably felt...colorless and formless and yet leaving your indellible mark...odorless and tasteless and yet somehow sweet...i have heard how you visit tortured souls in the dark of the night as they lay sleepless in bed...you sit heavy on their chests, waiting...

...take me to my father, my old friend...take me to my father, for he lives...he lives in my dreams, and that is where i want to go...but let me see him as he is now and not as he was...never let me see him suffering again...put meat back on his bones...take away the hospital gown and in its stead clothe him in something comfortable and fine...give him back his voice, that clear bell of a voice...give him back his smile, the one that would put angels to shame...let him climb mountains again...let him sing and play guitar again...let him preach again...let him laugh again, that hysterical hyena laugh of his...let him love me again, his girl, his joy...

take me to my father, old friend...

"...there's killers behind us
devils ahead
send protection..."
(from prayer for the paranoid by mojave 3)

"...and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying
as your mouth moves in mine soft and sweet
rings of flowers round your eyes
and i love you for the rest of your life...

...and when we break we'll wait for our miracle
god is a place where some holy spectacle lies
and when we break we'll wait for our miracle
god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life..."
(from two headed boy pt 2 by neutral milk hotel)

two nights in a row, i dreamed that my dad was alive...alive but dying...

sunday night, i dreamed that he was still alive after being sick for 1.5+ years w/ his cancer...and in that dream, he was so sick and suffering, just as he was in those last days last spring...and again, i was pleading angrily w/ my mom to let him go so that he could leave his pain in peace...and again in my dream i felt the pain i felt months ago in that hospital conference room as i fought w/ my mom insisting that we take dad home so he could die and be free from his suffering...and i remember how it hurt to see my dad more helpless than a child, in so much pain, so completely wasted away...how much it hurt to let him go so that he wouldn't have to suffer any more, even though i wanted so much for him to still be with me...

and last night i dreamed that he was in the final moments of his life...i was in the hospital hallway and i knew the end was at hand...and i felt in my dream all that i felt after my dad was finally gone...i woke up, sat up in bed and my mind was filled with the last moments of my dad's life, as he struggled for every breath...every single breath...unable to speak...his whole body convulsing with every breath...

...and i haven't felt this much grief since my dad died...it's all coming back, and it's so real...i remember those final moments as i stayed next to him to the very end when the doctor finally stopped his oxygen, the only thing keeping him alive, i remember thinking to myself that i would be haunted by that moment for the rest of my life but that i stayed with him any way...

...and even now, i don't understand how it can be that i will never see my dad again here on this earth...i don't understand how it is that he's gone...i didn't know how much i am still in pain over this...it's even a physical pain...right where my heart is, it aches...it aches....

...and i am still so lost without my dad...so very lost...

so sunday teddy & i took advantage of the 2 for 1 great america tickets through jewel and we trekked up to gurnee, il for 9 hours of roller coaster thrills...it was a beautiful day, and since everybody thinks summer's over, the park was not crowded at all, which was a bonus...

i love roller coasters...i used to be scared to death of them...i remember the first time i went on raging bull, i cried...i was so scared, tears actually ran down my cheeks...but now, strangely enough, there was no ride that could evoke such emotions in me...i was calm on every ride, including batman and raging bull and even the giant drop, which i'd never done until last night...

superman is the new attraction...it's a roller coaster where you're in a flying position...it's an interesting idea, and all, but it doesn't go all that fast...a mere 60 mph compared to raging bull's 73 mph...we waited the longest for this ride (like an hour)...the other rides went pretty quickly...i'm talking 15 minutes from start to finish for batman, which is unheard of during peak crowd times...we did the whizzer, the orbit, the demon, raging bull (twice), the viper, de ja vu, the eagle (twice), batman (twice), iron wolf, superman, the condor, and the giant drop...15 rides for $20...not bad at all...i have to say though the best deal in the entire park was the foot massaging machines for a quarter...you sit in these chairs and put your feet on these vibrating foot pads, and it feels absolutely heavenly after walking around for hours...

anyways, it was fun...

so thursday night my cuzins kris & her bro inho who's here from san diego came into the city to meet up w/ my other cuzin yonju who lives in lakeview...we wanted to go to a bar that had ping pong, billards and a bowling alley...they don't seem to have those in chicago...so we settled for lakeview links...but since they've united w/ the bottom lounge, it's not really the place to go for such activities...so we drove by the lucky strike but were dismayed at the line outside it...for a frickin' bowling alley! sheesh...so we drove to the diversey rock 'n' bowl...teddy took a peek in and came out shaking his head...and we ended up back where we started, at my apartment...now during all this, yonju's bro seunggi was making his way into the city to meet us, and every time we decided on a new place, we'd call him and tell him our change in plans...i think that frustrated him more than the traffic he encountered...so we settled on lemmings, a bar on damen round the corner from me...i knew they had a pool table and it was seldom crowded in there...

so we drank beers and played pool...my cuzin inho & i played doubles w/ whoever...i did ok considering i still don't know what i'm doing...i don't get the whole angle thing...i know there's some physics involved, but i still don't understand how the angle at which the ball needs to roll has to do w/ the angle of the cue stick to the cue ball etc...am i the only one who doesn't get this?? it was still fun playing pool w/ my cuzins, and teddy got to meet more of my family so that was cool...

whoever was in charge of spinning the cds at the bar was doing okay by me...we heard some ramones and a sunny day real estate...i always think of ryan when i hear sdre...

speaking of ryan, he sent me a message (while drunk of course) that jesse's moving back to dansville, ny and that they were gonna stay w/ me when they drove through...that's a big move to be doing again, all the way from seattle...sheesh...it'll be good to see jesse again though...it's been almost a year since he stayed w/ me last...i love that little man...i'll miss seeing him when i visit seattle...but dansville is actually only a 9 hour drive from here...i could literally jump in my car and go visit him if i felt like it one weekend...or he could jump in his van and visit me...and vice versa...yeah...that would be cool...

teddy & i are going to great america tomorrow...which is awesome, except for the news i heard this afternoon about that disney roller coaster that didn't work too good and killed one person and injured 10 people...that is not the type of news you wanna hear the day before you're gonna spend all day on roller coasters...oh well...

if i do die tomorrow, i just want say thank you for the music to all those who've tickled my musical senses...

"are you afraid to live, or are you afraid to die?"

can i be both and neither at the same time???

in some ways, i feel like i'm stuck in this loop, going round and round on a record player...every now and then the song changes...but then somehow that needle keeps going back to the beginning of the record and plays it all over again...and again...and again...

been listening to--
slanted and enchanted--pavement
yours, mine, and ours--pernice brothers
the world won't end--pernice brothers
one time bells--the french kicks
hearts of oak--ted leo & the pharmacists
my solo project--mates of state
put danger back in your life--folksongs for the afterlife
you are free--cat power
seasons ep--neil halsted
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato

it's september...labor day has passed...the beaches are closed...summer is officially over in chicago...

...and i am looking forward to autumn...to bundling up in sweaters...hoodies...wearing socks again...

...i'll be crying for spring come november, but for now...it's lovely...even when it rains, it is lovely...

...this summer slipped through my fingers unnoticed...it was mostly uneventful, in the happiest way...spending time w/ teddy and dave and ellen and lauren and jay & the boys...mellow...laidback...peaceful...

...i feel like i am always busy...but i don't know what is taking up so much of my time...i will be old and gray before i know it...

my love is wandering the solar system
surfing the thick black nothingness
from shooting star to shooting star
he gets a glimpse of god from afar
and i'm still here
way down here on earth
searching the sky
hoping for a sign
a sign of his return

come back to me
let me dance away the darkness
from your eyes
and you will see
that you always knew the truth
from the lies
can you see me here
i'm waiting here
can you see me too
i'm waiting for you
i'm waiting for you

been listening too--
i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song
the execution of all things--rilo kiley
we have the facts and we're voting yes--death cab for cutie
ancient melodies of the future--built to spill
keep it like a secret--built to spill
out of tune--mojave 3
your favorite music--clem snide
perfume letter--bill mallonee
in on the kill taker--fugazi
s/t--panda panda
dirty--sonic youth
1000 hurts--shellac