...so my mama calls me this morning at work and says we need to go shopping for baby clothes...like, HELLO! i'm not having the baby for at least another 3 months! i told her we don't have anywhere to put baby stuff right now...i think she's feeling like she's not being useful or something...but i really can't justify letting her indulge her need to be needed through shopping sprees...
...i will admit though that teddy & i have made a visit to the land of nod...that's the babies 'r' us for people with lots of money...i have to say that it wasn't so bad, and they had a bunch of little toys that were totally affordable...like the cows in a can...those are the things that moo or baaa like sheep when you turn them upside down...teddy & i each grabbed 4 and turned them upside down at the same time for a lovely chorus of cows...i think we'll be going back there someday, but for now if we're not careful we can totally go overboard with toys because we both naturally love toys, baby or no baby...
...right now, we're just scrambling to get ready for our honeymoon which starts this friday...i got my car back from the body shop, and they did a decent enough job, considering they were charging 50% less than the other places we got estimates from...and the door opens now, which was the main thing...now we need a brake job and a new knock sensor and we'll be ready to hit the road...we got the back massager thingie and a traveling pillow for the car so we can travel in relative comfort...i can't wait!!!!
...my baby just tickled me...imagine that...the baby tickling the mama...
...i feel the earth...move...inside my tummy...ok...not quite...but this baby's been reminding me that i am not alone...whereever i go, there baby is...based on the movements i've been feeling, both arms and legs are intact...which is a relief because i couldn't see any arms on the last sonogram and i was worried...
...i can't quite explain the joy of feeling a real live little human being poking and kicking and punching you from the inside...as i told teddy last night, this little baby is gonna be its own person someday, and it's just amazing...it's scary and awe-inspiring...teddy says i'll be a good mama cuz i'm good at running my fingers gently through his hair...he says that's all i need to do to be a good mama...i hope my baby has lots of hair so i can try it out right away...
...speaking of babies...i've got the photos from my first babyteeth show posted right over here...jim cooper, the frontman for the detholz!, is also in this band which has more of an 80's soul/pop sound to it...they were really good...the lead singer has a nice ginger 'fro which i dig...i also have more detholz! photos here too...
...teddy & i leave next friday for our east coast road trip...but before we can do that, we need a car that won't potentially break down on the way there...and since i can't drive a stick shift, i've insisted on taking my little subaru...the problem is that the driver's side door won't open more than a few inches cuz of a hit&run which dented the front driver side fender/panel/thingie...since i'm too big to squeeze through that door now, we were forced to get it fixed...it's in the body shop at the moment...then next week it'll need a brake job & a functioning knock sensor...i just hope i purchased the extended warranty on my car...i'll have to dig through a mountain of files to find info on it, but i suppose that's better than paying for it...we're also gonna get one of them carseat back massaging thingies...it'll be worth it considering how many hours we plan on being on the road...some ridiculous number like 40 hours or something...
been listening to--
permanent--joy division
the man comes around--johnny cash
red dirt girl--emmylou harris
...oh JOY! yes, it's been a million years (e.g., over a week) since i've posted, but i have a really good excuse...i've been terribly busy having fun! oh, it's true...our post-wedding pizza/karaoke party on friday night was a smashing success! i think we had almost 80 people pack out the leadway bar...brian ditchfield the bartender who's in charge of coordinating events there totally took care of us...and anthony (a.k.a. mr. moon) of full moon entertainment kept us belting out tunes for four hours...we were originally scheduled for 3 hours, but there were so many people still signed up for songs that we extended the time for another hour...
...the guests were from all our groups of friends...people we know from our high school days...people from work...people from the rock 'n' roll scene...people from wicker park grace...people we've gone to church with...our siblings and cousins...total strangers...their significant others...it was quite a potpourri of characters...i was esp. happy for the out-of-towners who made it...like josh & lielle who drove from CT to be with us...they're quite the karaoke fiends...lielle signed josh up to sing 'baby got back' without his knowledge, and the funny part was that as annoyed as he was when he got up there, he did it perfectly! and then there's our dear jozka...he took the train from ann arbor and treated us to probably the most heartfelt performance of the night singing 'brandy'...you can tell he's had a lot of karaoke experience...i dedicated motley crue's 'home sweet home' to charles and ali (ted's bro & his wife) who rolled in just in time for the party on their motorcycle...all the way from SEATTLE!!! they win the prize for travelling the furthest!
...teddy & i were coerced into starting off the night, which we did by singing the ramones' 'i wanna be sedated'...i may be singing this song again come mid-october...teddy isn't a karaoke-er, but he sure can play air drums & the air guitar really well...he accompanied quite a few singers throughout the night and got really into it, as you can see from this photo...all in all, it was a great night...we were exhausted by the time we got home around 2am...my feet were so swollen by the end of the night they looked like water balloons the next day...and i had a doctor's appointment first thing saturday morning...we basically rolled out of bed for that one...my doctor says i'm still a boring patient...OH!!! and while we were sitting in the waiting room, teddy had his hand on my tummy and he felt the baby kick for the first time!!!
...yeah, this is the newest exciting development in the land of eminent parenthood...the baby is kicking and punching and rolling around like a regular jackie chan!...or a michelle yao...i was sitting in a meeting on friday morning and i couldn't help staring at my belly button the whole time cuz that baby picked that time to do a workout and i would see various parts of my belly doing little blips and bleeps...i've taken to playing with the baby by poking at it down there and letting it poke back...now that it's moving around so much, it's becoming more real that there is a real live human in my tummy...
...saturday after the dr's appt., we all went out to yes!thai (my favorite thai restaurant right by the leadway) for lunch w/ josh & lielle, connolly & his fiance chris and her friends rapee and matthias, olarn, charles, ali & teddy & me...we ate good...then charles, ali, teddy & i went to the park by amundsen h.s. to fly teddy's two-for-a-dollar kites...it was finally a windy day, and the kites flew really well...charles was even able to tie one of the kites to a fence post and it stayed up by itself for a long time...kites are fun!
...now if that weren't enough for one weekend, we went to the eternals show @ the empty bottle saturday night...we got there a little after 10pm, and i basically sat on the couch while teddy played pool with ethan for over two hours...the eternals didn't go on until almost 1am, and boy oh boy was i tired! but it was good to see them play...their new drummer is pretty dope...and they have a new album out too...i like the way damon dances onstage...i just wish trenchmouth would get together for one more show...i suppose fred armisen is a busy man these days, but just one more show would be cool...
...sunday morning teddy & i had a goodbye breakfast at nookie's w/ josh & lielle...that was nice...lielle goes to italy the end of the month to perform, so she won't be around when we visit CT for caleb & kathy's wedding which is a bummer...but i'm super glad we got to see her this weekend...josh too...and we'll see josh again in july when we stay w/ him...
...sunday afternoon, we went to the cemetary to visit my dad's grave...it was kinda hard, it being father's day and all...visiting a grave is not the same as visiting a real live person, and i always leave the cemetary feeling a bit cheated...
...then we went to a party at ted's parents' place...i met more of the family, and it was a lot of fun eating really good food (ted's mom is a fabulous cook) and just hanging out...there were also four little girls running around, and it made me think about having a little girl of my own...in a few years, my baby will be running around with them during family gatherings...i wonder what that'll be like?
...so that was the big weekend...really fun overall, but totally exhausting...monday morning i was so beat that i could barely walk, and i called my boss and took the day off...it's been a more of a laid back day today...rainy...we futsed around home and then went to a couple brown elephant stores and then had an early dinner at kopi cafe in andersonville...now charles & ali came back to our apartment, and dave & lauren & ellen are here too so it's a party again! whew! i really need to go soak my feet...
...what a lovely weekend it's been...the skies have been volatile, but mainly at night...the days were warm and partly cloudy and the air full of the scent of the catalpa and honey locust blossoms (i think) in my neighborhood...i am still getting used to being a ravenswood resident...slowly, my eyes are opening to what's around me so that i can take photos again, but it's not been easy...i've had to discipline myself to get out there and take some shots, and i often feel uninspired these days...and then there are those moments when i actually do see photos that i realize i've forgotten some important component to my camera...like yesterday when teddy & i went to the beach and he flew his $0.50 kite for the first time...i missed it cuz i forgot my compact flash card...other times, my batteries have been either missing or dead, or i've forgotten my camera entirely...
...i did go for a walk today in the neighborhood to take some photos...teddy & david decided to play some music, and so i needed to leave the apartment because i wasn't in the mood to jam with them...i walked down leland to lincoln square, and i did find some interesting sights...there was this one yard that was just full of miscellaneous knick knacks...every inch of that lawn was covered with something that looked like it might come alive when the sun was gone and the moon took over skyguard duties...and then i walked back home, i strolled down the other side of leland, and would you know there's a koi pond right in someone's front lawn? with real live koi in orange, yellow, and black & white...someone really put in a lot of work into that pond, with the various rocks and fountains and plants...it was kind of surreal to just bump into something like that right off the sidewalk...
...going on a photowalk is definitely different now that i'm getting more and more pregnant...i actually felt like i was carrying a bowling ball around with me in my gut, and i had to rush home to use the bathroom...i was tempted at certain points to make use of people's patio furniture to catch a breather here and there...i guess we're going to have to take it really easy when we're on our honeymoon...i can get a bit ambitious (i.e., 'let's walk the whole freedom trail!') and then regret it later...
been listening to--
demolition--ryan adams
nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero
our endless numbered days--iron & wine
only with laughter can you win--rosie thomas
greetings from michigan--sufjan stevens
...ok...need a little help from my friends...the detholz! and babyteeth (jim c. of the 'holz's other band) are playing the metro this coming tuesday june 15th at 8pm...it's a $2 cover and $2 for drinks...the band that draws the most people gets 8 free hours of studio time...the detholz are recording their next full length, so be a pal and show some love to one of my favorite chicago rocksters...besides, $2 is pretty cheap for a show...and you'll get to see me use my tummy as a tripod...now what more could you ask for?
...next friday is the big pizza&beer&karaoke extravaganza @ the leadway bar for me & teddy's postwedding party...we hired a karaoke dj and everything...i hope it's fun cuz if it's not that would suck...we've got a lot of karaoke enthusiasts coming, so it should be good times...
...then in july is our long-awaited honeymoon to the EC...first, wedding for caleb & kathy in CT, then hanging w/ josh, then off to boston & cambridge overnight, and then it's up to maine's mt. desert island for a couple days & nights at a b&b, a sunset carriage tour of acadia nat'l park, some whalewatching, a couple's massage, and LOBSTER!!!! i can't wait...i've never been NE of stamford, CT...hope my car makes it there and back!
...i have discovered real live preacher...i like real live preacher...no, 'like' is an understatement...i 'highly esteem' real live preacher...and by highly i mean mt. everest 'high' highly...his story touches something real and tender deep inside me...and i don't know too many preachers who would admit to throwing out his back trying to 'peel the lotus'...real live preacher's put into words my own experiences, from the traumas to the joys to the wonders to the hopes to the desires to the love...oh, the love...the LOVE...
...this is something i figured out in my latter days...that i was put into this world to love...and that i would spend the rest of my life trying to understand what that means, all the while knowing i would never fully understand, and yet living it out all the same...there was a time in my life when i wanted god to zap me with love every moment...if only he'd give me that supernatural lightning bolt of his holy wonder, then of course i would love and love and LOVE...i've wept and pleaded for that kind of an experience...i've gotten over that by now...i've come to realize that what i've already been given is far more than what i'll ever need...
...i still believe in personally experiencing god...but my definition of 'personal experience' has changed over the years...it's more fluid now...back in the days, i thought a personal experience meant sitting (or lying) back and letting the heavens open up and feeling jolts of electical joy wash over my body...i suppose that can still be an example of a personal experience...but it's not what i'm looking for any more...today, i choose to experience god in simple, quiet ways...sometimes, i think there is no greater way for me to touch god these days than by running my fingers through my teddy's hair and caressing his face for no other reason than because he enjoys it...or by sharing half my jimmy john's with david...or by thinking about the little miracle growing inside me...and i'm not even conscious in those moments that what i'm doing is touching god...but i know that i am nonetheless...
been listening to--
achilles' heel--pedro the lion
heron king blues--califone
oui--the sea and cake
...do you know what i've got stuffed inside these maternity khaki's? i've got the world's largest water balloon in the making...yes, that's right...at least that's what it feels like i'm toting around these days...i guess i can expect the lower back pain to set in any day now...guess i better dust off that prenatal yoga video...
...in 8 days, we will be getting a new bed...finally! we got us a real nice comfy bed...the one more orthopedic surgeons sleep on than any other bed...and let me tell ya, we NEEDS that bed...i wake up every morning in one huge knot from sleeping on my left side...it makes sense that i'm in so much pain when you think about it...i mean, the distribution of my rather bulky frame of late is now resting on a smaller area than when i was lying on my back, so it makes sense that i'm putting more pressure per square inch on my body than i was previously...internal organs be damned, i miss sleeping on my back!
...you know what i was thinking today? i was thinking that i can't wait until my baby is old enough for sippy cups...you know...those plastic cups with the lids that have a built-straw so the kid can slurp out of it AND bat it around the kitchen without spilling? yeah, that's it...the reason i can't wait for my kid to use those is that i could really use a sippy cup...it's no secret to anyone who's shared a meal with me that i can't drink out of containers that have a wide mouth...take for example the lovely oceanblue eddie bauer water bottle that my honeybun let me get at the target the other day...the diameter of that bottle's mouth has got to be at least two inches wide, and that's about 1.75 inches too much for me...yeah, i spilled water all over myself again today drinking out of it...which is what got me looking forward to sippy cups...believe me, you'll be happy that i use a sippy cup too if you have to spend any mealtimes with me...of course, at work, i'd have to hide my sippy cup in a drawer or something...
skinny little eldery korean people in green hospital gowns break my heart...2 years ago it was my dad...today it was my mom...damn hospital gowns...looking like thrift store table cloths...swedish covenant hospital and their gowns...breaking my heart is what they're doing...
...the good news is, my mom is fine...she had an angiogram today to examine her heart because of the abnormal EKG she had back in december before her surgery...her arteries look good, so she won't need any further heart treatment...but still...the procedure took 6 hours, and my mom looked so pitiful afterwards...and just being in that hospital is a painful experience for the both of us...i don't know why she doesn't change hospitals...i feel haunted just living so close to it now...
...before my dad got sick, i just assumed my parents would live forever...when my dad got diagnosed w/ 1st stage pancreatic cancer, i thought he'd pull through and get better and still live forever...when 6 months later the cancer had spread like so many sea monkeys throughout his innards, it occurred to me that my dad might die...a month later, as i watched my dad struggle for his very last breath, i came face to face with mortality...that was a huge lesson for me, and i still haven't recovered...so seeing my mom in that same hospital gown in a hospital bed in the same hospital just scares me, even though the doctors say she's fine...because now i know...now i know that the people i love won't live forever...now i know that the people i love aren't immune to disease...now i know that i will have to see death again and again, especially as my years keep adding up...now i know that i too am subject to mortality...we're all on borrowed time...my mom may be fine now, but someday she won't be...
...and yet i have to cling to what little hope i can find and make the most of this time here on earth...the fact that i miss my dad so much must mean that his life wasn't lived in vain...and i think about this little life i'm bringing into the world...will i be able to teach my baby what my father taught me? about love and compassion, about courage and passion, about joy and sorrow, about grace and faith? i can only hope...
...the good news is, my mom is fine...she had an angiogram today to examine her heart because of the abnormal EKG she had back in december before her surgery...her arteries look good, so she won't need any further heart treatment...but still...the procedure took 6 hours, and my mom looked so pitiful afterwards...and just being in that hospital is a painful experience for the both of us...i don't know why she doesn't change hospitals...i feel haunted just living so close to it now...
...before my dad got sick, i just assumed my parents would live forever...when my dad got diagnosed w/ 1st stage pancreatic cancer, i thought he'd pull through and get better and still live forever...when 6 months later the cancer had spread like so many sea monkeys throughout his innards, it occurred to me that my dad might die...a month later, as i watched my dad struggle for his very last breath, i came face to face with mortality...that was a huge lesson for me, and i still haven't recovered...so seeing my mom in that same hospital gown in a hospital bed in the same hospital just scares me, even though the doctors say she's fine...because now i know...now i know that the people i love won't live forever...now i know that the people i love aren't immune to disease...now i know that i will have to see death again and again, especially as my years keep adding up...now i know that i too am subject to mortality...we're all on borrowed time...my mom may be fine now, but someday she won't be...
...and yet i have to cling to what little hope i can find and make the most of this time here on earth...the fact that i miss my dad so much must mean that his life wasn't lived in vain...and i think about this little life i'm bringing into the world...will i be able to teach my baby what my father taught me? about love and compassion, about courage and passion, about joy and sorrow, about grace and faith? i can only hope...
lullabye #3
the sun has long since gone to bed
the birdies' wings now hide their heads
so now it’s time to turn out the lights
now it’s time to say goodnight
soon the moon will rise and shine
soon the stars will cover the sky
but now it’s time to turn out the lights
now it’s time to say goodnight
your little eyes begin to droop
your tired yawns are enough to prove
that now it’s time to turn out the lights
now it’s time to say goodnight
so off with the lights and off to bed
i’ll tuck you in and kiss your head
we’ll say our prayers and sing some tunes
then dream of clouds and red balloons
soon the moon will rise and shine
soon the stars will cover the sky
but now it’s time to turn out the lights
now it’s time to say goodnight
so let’s say our prayers and sing some tunes
let’s dream of clouds and red balloons
