Shutterbug Mama

This little photo is for Modrá J. He'll understand. No one else has to.

"Now--here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love.

I walk deeper and deeper into the rushing water. My testicles pull up into myself. the water enters my belly button and it freezes my chest, my arms, my neck. It reaches my nouth, my nose, my ears and the roar is so loud--this roar, this clapping of hands.

These hands--the hands that heal; the hands that hold; the hands we desire because they are better than desire.

I submerge myself in the pool completely. I grab my knees and I forget gravity and I float within the pool and yet, even here, I hear the roar of water, the roar of clapping hands.

These hands--the hands that care, the hands that mold; the hands that touch the lips, the lips that speak the words--the words that tell us we are whole."--From Life After God by Douglas Coupland, 1994.

(I've had this post as a draft from Sept. 30th. I thought now would be a good time to post it. I added the quote today because I had just reread it a couple days ago, and I love that passage so very much. It's part of my unraveling, just a little bit. Know that you are loved, Modrá.)

Labels: about.me, coming.undone, i.heart.my.friends

Burn-out. Isolation. Disengagement. Apathy. Complacency. Hopelessness. These are a few things I've been feeling from time to time. It's something I'm sure everybody deals with at some point. I just feel like there's something more to what's going on in my head and my heart lately than I'm fully able to grasp in the conscious realm (not to sound all mystical or anything).

For the past few years, I've felt that it was enough just to be a mom and to pay the bills. Both roles take up an inordinate amount of time and energy, that's for sure. Lately, though, I feel like I need to BE more. I don't really get it, but it's a feeling of needing to grow and stretch myself in ways I've been avoiding out of fear and laziness.

We're all broken in one way or numerous ways, and like anyone else, I'm looking for wholeness. I've avoided thinking about my broken parts and pieces for a long time, but they haven't fixed themselves, it seems, during my time of ignoring them. I've always had this need to keep myself together out of fear of totally falling apart. I'm still scared of that, but I think I can let myself unravel just a bit and see what happens.

Seriously, I'm just rambling here...It's Friday. I need a little grace.

Labels: random.thoughts

A while back, Ted mentioned that I should blog about something to motivate me to take action about that said something. I've been mulling it over because I don't really know how to blog about it, so I'm just gonna do it. My thoughts haven't crystallized, so if I sound like I'm rambling, that's because I am...

Anyhoo, one of Ted's passions in life is Voluntary Simplicity. Yes, I know you all thought all he was interested in is beer and homebrewing, but he's actually more complex and contemplative than I usually let on. I'm all for Voluntary Simplicity in theory. But when it comes to day-to-day living, man, do I totally suck at it.

For the past 3.5+ years we've been living together, Ted has been trying to get our family to minimize our possessions and to declutter our living spaces. Poor thing. You see, he married a packrat. Needless to say, it has not been a painless process for us. But I think I'm beginning to see the light. I recently had a daydream/visualization of the world just filling up with stuff and stuff and more stuff at an astronomical rate, and it really freaked me out. I can see that happening in our home, and it's really got to stop.

I like to think of myself as someone who is bucking the system, rejecting material consumption, and who cares about the environment. Truth be told, however, I'm sooooooo lazy at it, which makes me question my motives. Do I really care, or do I just want to keep up appearances because Green is the New Black [could someone explain this phraseology to me?]?

Anyhoo, I'm not being hard on myself or anything here. I'm just trying to sort out what's real, and if I've been faking it all this time, well, I gotta come clean one way or another...To Be Continued...Indefinitely...

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, family, random.thoughts, sustainability

That's probably because I just ate me a big old turkey sandwich with--what else?--leftover turkey. I normally post my Best Shots Monday on Mondays, but I'm not in any mental condition to pick out what I consider my best shots. In other words, I'm feeling mighty lazy. Besides, "best" is such a heavy word. Nevertheless, I don't want to neglect posting SOMETHING today, so how about a smattering of various photos from last week? That way, no pressure on me to post anything earth-shattering.

And more Rock 'n' Roll paraphernalia. If you want to see what Cadence looked like in this shirt 3 years ago, click here.

And here's something a little more classical. Although she looks like she's playing some boogie-woogie.

Or Grandpa? Of course, we were missing Auntie Lauren and Uncle Doug in Sweden and Uncle Charles and Auntie Ali in Seattle and Auntie Becki in Bali (kinda jealous about that last one).

This would be my sweetest photo of the week. Cadence totally looks up to her 6-year-old cousin Mackenzie. Hmm...maybe she can talk to her about the potty. You know, all casual-like...

And this would be my saddest photo of the week. Sad because it's THAT cold, not so much because the poor cig got stuck.

Now if someone can point me to an organic nursery that sells potted christmas trees, I'll be all set.

Labels: family, holidays.wear.me.out, photos, thanksgiving

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already here. I for one am grateful for a bit of a break from work. It's been rather busy, and I think the stress is what was causing all my migraines this past month. I haven't had once since last Monday morning, though, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Ted was sick in bed all day today with what seemed to be flu-like symptoms. I'm really hoping the chicken soup and lemon/ginger/honey concoctions will nip this illness in the bud. We can't to go his family's for Thanksgiving dinner if he's sick, as his two grandmas will be there. He's much better tonight, so I'm thankful for that! :)

I know that Thanksgiving is a time for family and all that good stuff, and I couldn't help thinking how difficult the whole holiday season must be for those who have no family, or for those who have recently lost loved ones. I haven't gotten too emotional about my dad in a really long time, but I did yesterday at work, just totally out the blue, with tears and everything. I think it was because the night before, I had gone to a gathering, and someone had brought their father who was visiting from England. There was something about the gentleman that reminded me of my dad, and I really missed him then.

Memories are funny that way. Just the tiniest thing can set 'em off. The twinkle in someone's eyes, the clarity and passion in someone's voice, the pattern of wrinkles on someone's face...Any one of these things can bring on the Flood.

I sometimes forget that the ache is still there. After all, one of my blog posts IS the #2 search result on google for "I miss my dad", second only to imissmydad.com. How that happened, I don't know. Every time one of them comments on that post, I think about all the people out there missing someone they love...

Anyhoo, I wish all of you fine folks a happy thanksgiving, and if you find yourself alone or lonely on this day and maybe on other days, know that if I were with you, I'd give you big hug...

Labels: memory.lane, my.dad, thanksgiving

You know what I love about autumn? I really, really adore all the leaves floating down one, two, three at a time, creating piles and piles on the sidewalks and next to the parked cars in the streets. I know that's like a duh given, but I just don't ever get over the leaves. I love how they crunch under my feet as I walk to catch my morning train. I love how they mute all the colors around them to browns and golds and oranges with the occasional blazing crimson.

I love autumn because it is the season that gave me my Cadence, and I love that SHE loves watching the leaves fall from the sky, kicking them up into the air with her feet, pointing out that once all the leaves have fallen from the branches (she actually likes using the word 'branches' these days), that it will finally snow. Only a kid, or a kid at heart, or someone from a tropical climate, could get excited at the prospect of snow.

And while autumn means that death and hibernation are just around the corner, and that I will soon need to wear longjohns on my walks to the train--every now and then, you encounter a vestige of life from the summer past, and it is even more strikingly beautiful because it has now become so scarce. I've always enjoyed a little splash of pink next to the browns in my life, because there probably is no better color combination than pink and brown.

Go visit other folks' Best Shots for the week at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, i.heart.autumn, photos, random.thoughts

So I've started the process of moving my blog over to an anonymous site. Some of you may have noticed I can't make up my mind how to sign my comments on your blogs. I don't want to put my full name any more (stupid of me to do that in the first place). Sarah is just too common a name. So I've come up with something else. It's actually Ted's nickname for me. I'm not going to put it here in this blog post because I'm paranoid like that, but when y'all see it in your comments section, you'll know it's me.

Now I have to figure out how the hell to move all my posts over to the new site...

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, prayer.for.the.paranoid

Thanks again for all your well wishes. I'm doing much better, although I still have a cough that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my lungs. Where the heck does all that gook come from?!

The big news around these here parts is that the band Ted drums in, the Tim Lowly Ensemble, got to open up for Rosie Thomas at North Park University. Rosie just happens to be one of my favorite singer-songwriters. Her latest album called These Friends of Mine is a collection of songs recorded pretty informally, mainly with her good friends Denison Witmer and Sufjan Stevens. It's probably my favorite album of hers to date.

Tim was missing his pianist, Maestro Matthew Ganong, and his violinist Ethan Adelsman (who's too busy playing for a gazillion other bands), but Danny Bracken from Anathallo joined in on mandolin, and Rebecca Miller added another guitar. I missed most of the set, as I was playing in the hallway with Cadence, who decided that it was a great time to pretend she was a barking dog while we were in the show.

Rosie's shows are always a mix of her beautiful and often serious and sad songs with her hilarious comedic antics and stories thrown in throughout the set. If you only listen to her CDs, you wouldn't think her shows would be this fun. It would kinda be like if Adam Sandler were performing an all Nick Drake concert, I suppose.

Rosie even performed what almost seemed like her own version of a burlesque show, except it was more like calisthenics and consisted of things like sit-ups, leg-lifts and the like. Only at a Rosie Thomas show will you witness something like that...

Cadence was actually in a good mood all throughout soundcheck (which started at 6:30p) pretty much until we went home close to 11pm. She didn't run amok as much as usual, and she actually did try to be quiet because she had told us she wanted to go to the show, and we'd told her she would have to be quiet. I think she spent so much time being quiet during soundcheck that when it was actually time for the show at 8pm, she was all quieted out and needed to do little kid things like crawl on all fours and bark. Totally understandable. Ted and Dave took Cadence outside to play during most of Rosie's set so I could enjoy the show without being self-conscious about my squirming-crawling-barking 3 year old.

Anyhoo, good times, good times...

Labels: live.music, rosie.thomas, tim.lowly.ensemble

Actually, Cadence is doing much better, but I've been sick as a dog this weekend. I've been coughing up so much gook and so often and with such force that I gave myself a migraine this weekend from just coughing. I coughed so hard this morning I threw up. Oh, wait. Was that Too Much Information? Sorry.

Seriously, though, it's gotten to the point where I don't go anywhere without a spittoon. Cuz swallowing that stuff back again just prolongs the sickness, ya know? Oh, wait. Was that Too Much Information? Sorry.

Hope I didn't totally gross out your Monday. If you want to recover, go visit other folks' Best Shot Mondays over on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, health, sick.moi

...and it's mighty fine! That's right. I broke down and got me the Sigma 30mm f/1.4. Some of you may know that the lens I shoot with 95% of the time is my Nikkor 50mm f/1.8, and I truly, truly love that lens. For a hundred bucks, you're not going to get a better lens. The only downside is that because it's 50mm (which on my digital SLR equates to 75mm on a 35mm SLR), I'm always having to back way, way up to get the shot I want. That means arms-length self-portraits (like the one above) are out of the question.

With the 30mm, however, I can now get shots so much closer to the subject, like this one of Cadence who's doing her little "Mama, I'm tired" thing while holding onto my shirt. This is another shot I never could've taken w/ my 50mm.

Plus, I've been wanting to get more nursing photos before Cadence weans, and now I can take that myself no problemo.

I can't wait to try out this lens at a show. Now I'll be able to get the whole band in one shot without too much difficulty.

Labels: i.heart.aperture.priority, photo.gear, photography

And why am I so lucky, you ask? Cuz I got to spend an evening out. At Uncommon Ground. With just girls. And not just any girls, mind you. I had the special treat of an evening with the inimitable Bella of Beyond the Map and Leigh of Mere Mortal. Although we had never met before last night, these two women have been a source of inspiration and hope for me in so many ways, through their words, their courage, their struggles, their honesty...

We talked and talked and laughed and laughed. I was surprised at how comfortable I felt, being the one who borders on social anxiety disorder. I mean, I really, REALLY had fun! Hopefully, we'll get to do this again, although Leigh was only visiting from Arizona. But Bella lives in Chicago. In fact, we're practically neighbors! Hopefully, we'll be grabbing lattes together at Metropolis often.

Labels: bloggers, friends.who.rock

Kim over at Diapers, Budgets and Paint has tagged me for the Eight Random Things About Me-Meme. I'm not sure I can claim that these things I will post are random from a statistical standpoint, but I'll try to keep it not too deliberately random.

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Rules:
Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they've been tagged.

1. Our family immigrated from Seoul 3 days before my 6th birthday. Before we moved, I got to be part of a big birthday party for all the May birthdays at the kindergarten that my grandpa was the director of. The teacher asked each of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I don't think I had ever thought about this before, and said the first thing that came to my mind, "A nurse." Because at that time, I thought the only professions available to women were teaching and becoming a nurse. How sad...

2. I grew up in a fundamentalist quasi-evangelical cult named University Bible Fellowship. It sucked. ASS. Bigtime.

3. When I was in the 8th grade, I had a crush on a perpetually stoned heavy metal drummer in my class named Mario Kuehn. For about a month, I covered my red Trapper Keeper with names of heavy metal bands written in Liquid Paper. Back in 1986, 103.1 FM was a little suburban station that played hispanic programming by day and heavy metal by night, and I would listen in on my headphones secretly in my bedroom while doing my homework. If my parents knew I was listening to the devil's music, they would've totally taken me somewhere to get the demons out of me. To this day, I get a little nostalgic when I hear Motley Crue. Or Wilco's song Heavy Metal Drummer.

4. When I was in school, I had a talent for multiple-choice questions. Every year, we'd have these standardized tests that lasted a couple days. The entire student body would spend hours filling in endless little bubbles with their #2 pencils. I remember looking over questions I had absolutely no answer for, and concentrating really hard, trying to plug in to the collective knowledge of the universe, and I would feel for the right answer. I did so well on these tests that I really believed that I actually had access to all the right answers in the Universe. Ha ha. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. At least I learned a thing or two about intuition.

5. I attended Chicago Public Schools from 1st grade through graduating from high school, EXCEPT for my freshman year of high school when my dad moved us out to WHEATON, ILLINOIS, the Evangelical capital of the midwest. Oh. My. Lord. Wheaton Central High School was full of girls who sported the same haircut (curled bangs and triangular poofy bob), carried Gucci purses (the real thing, not like the knockoffs from Korea my relatives sent me) and wore Guess jeans. Plus, I was one of maybe 7 Asians in the entire school. I escaped to the city every weekend, and was relieved when my dad sold the house to move back to Chicago after a serious lawnmower accident almost severed his 3 main fingers on his right hand.

6. I was married once before. I was a little spring chicken, one semester away from graduating college, only 22 years old, when I married my first husband. I went straight from the dorms to married life. I had a serious identity crisis in my latter 20's, and by 30 I was divorced. I'm still friends with my ex and with his new wife, and I'm glad about that.

7. I like my bananas a little green. Ripe bananas make me want to gag for some reason. All the more reason for Ted to make his famous banana bread!

8. I believe in Narnia. Shut up. I really do.

Okay. This is where I tag people. I'm sure most people have already done this meme, but I'll tag Mamazilla and Miss Mia and my sis Orange Loren.

Labels: about.me, blogging.schmlogging, memememe

I have a dilemma. It's something I've been thinking about for awhile and not sure what to do about. Namely, how do I get Google to forget about me???

It's pretty well-known the harm one can do oneself by leaving a careless trail on the internet. I don't think this blog is anything to be ashamed of, but now that Cadence is getting older, I wonder if we'll ever get our anonymity back? I deleted a link to my blog from my Flickr account ages ago when some sicko was going around favoriting photos of other people's kids, but let's be honest. If you wanted to find me, it wouldn't be too hard.

Also, what if I ever have to look for a job? A lot of employers google prospective employees to see what dirt info they can dig up.

These are just random thoughts right now. Someday, I may be going anonymous...I'll let you know though if that happens. Ha ha. Because becoming anonymous requires letting all your friends know.

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, internets, prayer.for.the.paranoid

Slowly but surely, Cadence seems to be recovering from her cold. We went through an entire family sized box of Kleenex, and I think we'll be able to get through this week on maybe just half of one.

I tried to get a really snotty photo of her for posterity, but for some reason, it's really hard to get one of her where she looks all that bad.

Unfortunately, we spent the weekend pretty much indoors except to go out and buy more tissue and homeopathic stuff. Ted caught the bug Saturday, so we were a pretty miserable bunch for most of the weekend. I was a bit more lucky and got to go do a photoshoot of my cousins' daughter Eden Sunday afternoon. It was a really nice day, although it was a bummer to see the sun go down so much earlier with the time change. Oh, and it was a bummer I didn't get to give Eden any hugs from fear of making her sick too.

On my way home from the photoshoot, I stopped in at the rose garden near downtown Evanston. I was quite surprised to see so many roses in bloom in November.

I guess it's been a pretty warm fall so far. Still, it's pretty amazing to see such lovely and huge blossoms thriving in the middle of autumn, especially since we had some nights in the 30s last week.

There's something extremely nostalgic to me about this time of year. Spring and summer are such hopeful, exciting seasons--so much new life popping up all around, and countless hours spent in the warm sun outdoors. Autumn, on the other hand, is when time slows down, and I start savoring the memories, recent and from long ago.

Alright, let me cut this short before I get all sappy on y'all. Go see other folks' best shots at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Yep. Cadence is still sick. And I have a sore throat. I'm pumping my body full of Emergen-C in hopes that things don't get any worse.

But here's a funny little incident that occurred around the dinner table this evening.

Ted: I think I want some i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m...
Cadence: Yeah! I want some ICE CREAM!!!
(Ted and I look at each other in amused horror)
Ted: Cadence, what does i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m spell?
Cadence: ICE CREAM!!!

I guess we're gonna have to brush up on our Pig Latin...

Labels: cadence, Cadence-isms, family, ha.ha.ha., health, sick.cadence

Thanks, ya'll for your concern for my little bugger Cadence. Alas, it is a veritable snotfest PLUS crankyfest in chez moi. Oh the festivities! Cadence hasn't been able to sleep well the past 3 nights, and by default neither (niether? neither? nether? Crap. I'm tired.) has Ted nor I (have/and? have/nor/or? has/and? has/nor/or?).

We've been pretty spoiled in that Cadence has been this sick only a handful of times. Normally, she gets a runny nose for a day or two, we pump her w/ homeopathics and breastmilk, and she's usually back to normal. I knew when that high fever hit her Monday night, we were in for a bit more drama this time around. Plus, I don't think she's getting as much breastmilk as she used to, which is why I find myself, the mother of a 3 year old, taking an herbal galactalogue [in case you're too lazy to click on the link, a galactalogue is something that promotes lacation, e.g. breastmilk production]. I'm probably overreacting, but with the cold season coming up, there's no way I'm stopping breastfeeding now. Maybe by the time she's 4 years old, she'll allow us to perform nasal irrigation on her, but for now, I need all the ammo I can get in fighting the notorious bug season in Chicago, which only seems to get worse over the years as the bugs beget stronger and more-resistant-to-everything bugs.

Well, I hope Cadence doesn't get any worse, and I have to keep in mind that this will only boost her immune system for the future. Whether Ted and I make it through the bug unscathed is yet to be seen...

Labels: cadence, extended.breastfeeding, health, parenting, sick.cadence