Shutterbug Mama

(This was originally posted today on my Other Blog, but I thought it should go on my mommyblog too since it's, well, about being a mommy. Sorry if you're seeing this twice in your Google Reader or Bloglines!)

I'm not really sure why we have such a fancy-pants mirror hanging in our foyer. Plus, Ted's got it hung so high, I have to stand on my tippy toes to get any use out of it. Hmmm. Looks like it could use some cleaning...

Well, speaking of mirrors, I've been doing a bit of self-reflecting on my parenting habits lately. As I've mentioned recently, being a mommy has been hard these days. We've been waiting over two years for the Terrible Two's to end for Cadence, and we find ourselves in a corner, having to reevaluate how we relate to her. I don't think we've TOTALLY f*cked up, but I do feel justified in mourning the missed opportunities to do the things that would have establisthed trust and love and connection, rather than exhibiting our need to control as parents. And it's not like I don't know better since I've read so many books in the unconditional, peaceful parenting vein, but then again I DON'T know, at least not in the deep, non-book acquired non-cerebral sense of the word.

When we decided a LONG time ago that we didn't want to raise Cadence to believe that she had to behave a certain way for us to love her, I didn't realize how hard it would be to let go of my own experiences of the way I was parented--not only by my parents, but by society at large. I didn't realize how much I would care what others thought about Cadence and our parenting skills, so much so that I would try (usually unsuccessfully) to exert a semblance of control over my child in public because that's what we as parents are expected to do in our culture: control the fruit of thy womb lest thou suffer the universal disdain and judgment of all polite society.

It's amazing how much damage you are subconsciously willing to do to your child to avoid being labeled as a bad parent. I've cared so much about what other people think that I've neglected who Cadence is and what HER needs are. She is indeed a Wild Thing, but she does NOT respond well to methods such as being sent to her room without any supper (a reference to the the book; not something I've actually ever done). There are children who modify their behavior as a result of punitive measures (at least in the short run), and then there are children like Cadence. I know deep in my heart that punishments will do her absolutely no "good," not even in the short run. People may think that's because I don't punish her long or hard enough. While I entertain the possibility that through brute force I can eventually break her spirit so that I can make a meek, obedient child out of her, please tell me why the f*ck would I want to do that?

So the truth I see in all this is that Cadence is NOT an out-of-control, "spoiled rotten" and manipulative child. She may APPEAR that way to folks who have certain preconceived notions on how a "good" child behaves, but that is not who she is, and I know that. The truth is that I am afraid to let her be her aunthentic self because of my own fears about what others think of us and because of my own ideas of how I want my child to behave. And there's that f*cking word again. BEHAVE. Why the hell are we all so obsessed w/ OUTWARD BEHAVIOR???!!!

(I realize I'm rambling here, so I feel the need to insert a photo to justify the length of this post. It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't had real sleep since Friday night, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and why the heck am I apologizing on my own blog?)

Here's the thing. I don't want Cadence to be a puppet. I don't even WANT her to fit the definition of "good" that most people hold when it comes to children--obedient, quiet when told to be quiet, never prone to emotional outbursts, sits quietly at their desks and raises their hands to be called on in school, stands when told to stand, sits when told to sit. I don't want Cadence to ever fit THAT mold of "goodness," especially if it's out of fear that I won't love her unless she complies or out of fear of being punished. I DO want her to feel safe with us, her parents, to be who she is, even when that means exhibitions of strong, explosive feelings from time to time. I DO want her to feel that her opinions matter, even if they defy laws of [adult] logic. I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.

The REAL truth about Cadence is that she is so much more honest and authentic than I am. She does not hide her emotions, be they frolicksome or furious or forlorn. Nor does she hide her true opinions and wishes. She is creative, a connoisseur of fun, full of boundless energy and can out-dance just about anyone at a wedding reception. She is also caring and affectionate and devoted to her friends. She sees the best in people and is full of optimism.

And the REAL truth about myself is that I'm proud of her and wouldn't want to change any of that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For those of you who worry that this means I'm going to let Cadence do whatever she wants whenever she wants wherever she wants, please rest assured that this will not be the case. However, I do plan on changing the way I react to Cadence when she doesn't get what she wants (which usually results in high pitched shrieks that would make a dog cringe). If I have the presence of mind to apply what I know and believe by validating her feelings without judgement and by responding with gentleness and love, she usually responds much more positively than when I exhibit disapproval or try to change her. Old habits are hard to break, and unfortunately, I've been programmed from my own upbringing to try to control outward behavior (in myself and in my child) rather than to embrace authenticity.

And in case you're wondering, I'm currently reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Labels: about.me, attachment.parenting, cadence, coming.undone, parenting

Wait, has it really been FOUR FLIPPIN' MONTHS since I've posted here?! Holy Crimeny. I'm sure y'all have given up on me by now. So if a blogger blogs and no one's there reading it, does it really exist? Who knows...

Anyhoo. I have been posting EVERY FRACKIN' DAY over on the other blog. I can't guarantee how often I'll come back here to visit. I just couldn't handle a daily photoblog AND a mommyblog. I guess I needed a break. Posting a photo without having anything meaningful to say about it was a lot less stressful than talking about my life, I suppose, although I seem to have slipped more into that on the new blog as well.

Sorry if I've been out of touch. Part of is the other blog. Part of it is trying to spend less time blogging and more time w/ the family.

Hope y'all are having a splendid 2009!

Labels: cadence, me, this.busy.life

I'm kinda sucking at this blogging thing lately, aren't I? I think my post this past Sunday on Shutter Sisters may explain a little bit of it. And I do still have my daily photoblog. Still, I feel like I've really dropped the ball around here, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover.

Nevertheless, time keeps marching on. And this is a photo of the last hug between Cadence and Rudden as pre-preschoolers. Rudden started his first full week of school this week, and Cadence will start going to a homebased preschool on September 30th.

My baby ain't a baby any more. In two weeks, she'll be 4. No longer a prime number. It's bittersweet, this growing up thing.

At least she still eats donuts on a Sunday morning walking around in her underwear.

And she still loves to play peek-a-boo, although usually in the more grown-up form of hide-and-seek.

We leave for beloved Seattle on Saturday morning. Things will be busy before, during and after. I'll try not to totally give up on this blog, but I can't make any promises...

Labels: cadence, this.busy.life

This is Cadence lounging around on the dining room floor Saturday morning. She's waiting for our friend, her Uncle Erik, to wake up. He got in the night before super late, so she was asleep when he got there, and he was sleeping in Saturday morning in Cadence's playroom. As soon as she woke up, she wanted to go wake him up, but I made her wait. We went and picked up our vegetables, dropped them off at home, had breakfast at our local coffeehouse, browsed a little thrift store (where she picked up that Pooh bear on the floor for a quarter), and finally came back home close to 11am, at which point she planted herself on the floor outside Erik's door.

She occasionally got up to do a little dance or just run around, but for the most part she stuck to the floor and would ask every 10 seconds, "Is he awake yet? What's he doing?"

She finally couldn't contain her curiosity any longer and started spying on Erik through the crack underneath the door. Then she started saying, "I think he's awake now! I see his feet moving!"

Cadence ADORES her Uncle Erik, and Ted and I are also very happy to have him with us. For Ted, it's like a big sleep-over with his best friend, except instead of ghost stories and flashlights and candy and soda, it's lots of beer and a late-night showing of The Dark Knight.

So while the boys were at the movies Saturday night, after I put Cadence to sleep, I happened to check the mailbox and found that some fabric I'd ordered from Etsy had come in. I was so excited that I made a dress that very night.

The fabric is a cotton-linen blend from a Japanese designer, so this was my first time making something for Cadence that wasn't made out of a t-shirt. It's actually a lot easier to sew by hand than t-shirt material because it is stiffer than jersey. I loved how the 1/2 yard length was perfect for folding in half and making this dress. I also loved how I could use the edge of the fabric as the hem so that I didn't have to sew an actual hem myself. I think it's kinda cool to have the fabric name and that frayed edge as the hem.

FYI, I don't know how to use a pattern, so that dress was simply made by laying another dress on top of the fabric (which was folded in half) and tracing around the other dress directly onto the fabric. I made the shoulders where the fabric was folded in half, and then I just sewed the sides of the dress (before cutting the fabric)in an A-line shape, cut the armholes and neck, and voila! Dress! When Cadence woke up the next morning, I had her try it on, and adjusted the shoulders a bit by scrunching them a little at the top. I may still do something about the neck and armholes, maybe put an edge on it w/ a blanket stitch or something to keep the fabric from unraveling, or I may just leave it as is. I like things that are rough around the edges anyhow.

You can see more folk's Best Shots on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, me.so.crafty, photos, sewing

We're on Day 8 here without Ted, and I'm hanging in there, but I don't quite feel on top of the world I have to admit.

We've been getting postcards regularly from Daddy while he's on the road, and we've talked just about every day. Quite honestly, I don't think Cadence realizes how many days have passed, and it seems like she still thinks Daddy is at work and this is just one really really long work day.

We're currently on an impromptu mini-vacation to downtown Chicago. I found a room at a 4-star hotel (The Palmer House Hilton) for $76 on Hotwire, so we came down here yesterday afternoon for the 4th of July festivities. We don't have much of a view, and the room is tiny.

But the bed sure is great for jumping on. AND it's king size, so we had PLENTY of room. So much so that Cadence actually did a circle lying in different parts of the bed throughout the night. I found her lying horizontally at the foot of the bed at one point. I'm glad I woke up before she fell off.

Although I have mixed feelings about this holiday (I am not a proponent of blind patriotism, and much of what mainstream America stands for makes my stomach ache), I'm not going to argue about a day off, especially when it's on the most perfect summer day imaginable--sunny and in the mid-70s. Like a Seattle summer day.

Anyhoo, gotta run. Have to pack and check out in an hour. More photos later.

Labels: cadence, holidays.wear.me.out, i.heart.chicago, photos, vacation

Here we are at Day 4 of 10 Days Without Daddy. So far so good, I'd say. We went to the Children's Museum on Saturday, where Cadence had a blast as usual.

The nice thing about this age is that she's still young enough that she doesn't get bored of doing things over and over again. She loves this blue car and kept going back to it over and over again throughout our several hours there.

Cadence loves seeing herself on a TV screen, that's for sure. Yeah, she's the kid who loiters at entrances to grocery stores making funny faces at the security camera.

Cadence developed a fever Saturday evening. I was worried she was getting sick, so we stayed home Sunday morning and just chilled. Her fever seems to come and go, and she's got a bit of a cough which manifests mainly when she's sleeping. I'm hoping it's nothing serious and goes away without any other symptoms popping up.

We tried to go to the zoo on Sunday...wait, let me back up. We tried to go to the Pride Parade on Sunday, but I realized that leaving the house 10 minutes before the Parade was supposed to start would most probably mean we'd miss the whole thing. That's when I asked Cadence if she'd like to go to the zoo instead, and of course she said yes. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one who thought the zoo would be a good idea on a lovely Sunday afternoon. The traffic was SOOOOOOOO horrendous, and parking was virtually impossible, so I gave up and decided to get a cupcake at Bleeding Heart Bakery instead.

Oh well. At least I got my cupcake. Next time, we'll take the bus...

For more Best Shots, visit Melody of Slurping Life.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence

Since yesterday was Father's Day, here is a photo of Cadence and her Daddy. This was taken at a Trader Joe's crew party where Ted had 4 kegs of his homebrew available for tasting.

He also had a keg of root beer available, which he brewed w/ Cadence's help just a week or so ago.

And this is the photo I used for yesterday's Shutter Sister's post in which I said some very nice things about Ted.

Boy. He never takes that hat off, does he?

Speaking of my Stay-At-Home-Daddy of a hubby, Ted and his gang of merry musicians (a.k.a. The Tim Lowly Ensemble) will be heading off on a 10-day tour of the Eastern States starting June 27th. So they rehearsed last night, on Father's Day, because they really need to I guess, and I'm ashamed to say that we didn't actually do anything special for Father's Day except go to church. I didn't even make him breakfast. In fact, he made ME a delicious breakfast that involved english muffins, cream cheese and wild salmon. And then I had the beginning of a migraine after church, so we all took a family nap until 3:30, and then I sent Ted out to eat a late lunch w/ his brother Dave at their favorite Indian restaurant Bhabi's Kitchen, which I'm not too fond of as Indian restaurants go. I guess that was a Father's Day break for Ted, being able to have grown-up brotherly conversation AND his favorite food. He sure deserves it.

So I had Cadence all to myself last night, and we took a nice long walk to a park and played until the sun went down.

You can see more folk's Best Shots on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, family

I have the distinct honor and pleasure of photographing my friend Alana's wedding tomorrow. She is a talented designer, photographer, musician, and hot rock 'n' roll mama. I'm so happy for her and her almost-hubby-Dave. It's going to be a beach sunset wedding in Michigan, so no stuffy boring wedding here.

So why the need for a confession? Well, two things. First of all, this will be my first wedding as THE photographer. That scares the bejeebus out of me. I've had butterflies in my stomach for over a week now. I know I should just get over myself, but I still get that, "What if I totally f*ck up?" knot in my brain every time I do a semi-important photoshoot. Wanna know why I'm not shooting photos for a living? This is why. The stress would kill me, I think. And still, I know I'm just second guessing. So like I said, I should just get over myself.

Second, Ted couldn't get off of work for the wedding. Since bringing Cadence to the wedding without someone to watch her would spell potentially disastrous results for my shutterbug duties, I reluctantly decided to leave her at home. What's the big deal? Well, this is an overnight trip, and I've never spent a night away from Cadence since she emerged from my womb. Ok, there was that one Wilco/Detholz! concert in Urbana that I photographed when she was five months old and I didn't get home until the middle of the night, but I was only gone a total of 12 hours then. I skipped Wilco's encore AND pumped breastmilk in the car while Ted drove to keep our time away to a minimum.

I know a bunch of you are laughing at me that I'm actually not jumping up and down with glee that I get a night all to myself in a waterfront hotel in lovely Saugatuck, MI. I know I'm being silly, but I can't help it. I know Cadence will be just fine. I should just embrace this opportunity to be alone to do whatever the heck I want (within reason, of course). Still...I'm gonna feel mighty out of place without my family in tow.

Oh, and this is totally off topic, but some old high school friends and I got together last week while our friend Steve Elliott was in town. Steve has been making quite a name for himself as an author, and was even awarded the Stegner Fellowship @ Stanford University a few years ago, which is a far cry from his teenage days as a ward of the state or homeless in Rogers Park. Anyhoo, it was fun to hang out and catch up.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Labels: cadence, photography, prayer.for.the.paranoid, random.thoughts, wedding.photography, weddings

I feel like I've lately neglected my duty to post an adequate amount of photos of Cadence, so it's a good thing I took a whole bunch of photos of her this weekend. Here she is sporting her new Woody Guthrie dress that I made on the train last week. It just so happens that Woody has been a long-time dead celebrity crush for me, along with the likes of Nick Drake (hopeless, I know) and Dostoevsky.

Okay, I realize this isn't a photo of Cadence, but just take my word for it that Cadence was only a couple feet away from where this shot was taken. Besides, I just couldn't resist posting a photo of Baby Jack double-fisting shakey eggs. Just look at that stance, that grasp, those curly locks!

And this may SEEM like a photo of Rudden, but if you look carefully, you will notice Cadence right behind him, like a little crown upon his head. I just couldn't resist the synchronicity of this shot. It's like the kids are performing an intricately choreographed dance of BLUR.

OK, back to the Cadence Channel. We decided after church yesterday that it would be a good idea to let Cadence run around some more in Giddings Plaza. Since Cafe Selmarie is right there, we lunched on their delectable oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (just two--one for me and one for Cadence; Ted's on a really party-pooping liver cleanse this week) and fresh squeezed OJ. Talk about a sugar high. At least I got this sweet shot of Cadence. I usually hate photographing in bright sun (and yesterday's light quality can only be described as blindingly bright sunshine), but I caught this moment when some light was inexplicably shining onto her face, and she actually WAITED for me to press the shutter! She must've known she looked good or something.

While walking back to our car, Cadence happened to spy this sad looking dandelion growing in a sparsely green dirt patch, and I just love how she bent down to smell it, as if it were the most fragrant blossom to ever grace her path. Then she picked it and showed it to me.

Then she tried to blow the wishes away, but alas, they were all gone already. Oh well. I just love how good Woody looks in this photo...

And now I reveal to you my most embarrassing photo technique, just discovered yesterday, and that is the Laptop Reflector. I realized that the glow of the laptop on Cadence's face as she numbed her mind on some Nick Jr. was quite suitable for photographing her in our dimly lit dining room.

Can you just SEE the brain cells taking a flying leap into oblivion? Eh, I still happen to really like the effect.

Her face looks much better lit up like this, believe me. And the glow is so subtle, it's...perfect.

We did get outside before the sun went down, since it was a beautiful day and all. Cadence even got to find some more "flowers" that actually had wishes left on them.

Since dandelions breed like bunnies in our neighborhood, Cadence was able to gather up armfuls of them.

I just love how some of our neighbors let their weeds grow wild. Well-kempt lawns are so over-rated. If it weren't for those cars in the background, you'd think this photo had been taken in the country, or forest preserves, at least. And I bet if I hadn't said anything about those cars, you wouldn't have even noticed.

Back indoors, Cadence had some nekkid time. FYI, I don't post totally nekkid photos of my kid for the whole universe to see because, believe it or not, I have SOME boundaries. Well, actually, it's to save folks out there with REAL boundaries the trouble of wasting their time judging me. I see it as an act of charity and not self-censorship.

So you'll just have to take my word for it that the sight of a totally nekkid Cadence banging on her toy piano while doing Max's Wild Rumpus dance was quite the visual extravaganza. And I know she's doing the Wild Rumpus dance because while she's jumping up and down and hopping from foot to foot while her hands do the same on the piano, she's yelling, "AND now, let the WILD RUMPUS START!"

Gotta love this kid.

You can see more folk's Best Shots on Tracey' Mother May I.

P.S. I have a post up on Shutter Sisters. Check it out to find your chance to win a totally awesome photo book.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

This is usually a quiet time of the year for me at work, but something came up that's thrown me into temporary busyness resulting in working while on the train, through lunch, at home, in the middle of the night, etc, and that's put a serious damper on my ability to post here. So here I go again with the random thoughts/updates and random photos.

Remember my voluntary simplicity mantra for the year? Well, it's the end of May, and I feel like I've gotten nowhere with that. I feel really pathetic saying this, but I think it would take an intervention like getting on a Reality TV show to get my butt in gear in terms of purging and decluttering our lives. But it's not just the physical stuff. It's my mind that needs decluttering too.

I find that I simply rush through my day, seldom taking time to notice the little things, such as these delicate flowers on the side of the pavement, these little encapsulations of purity and beauty. I don't take the time to breathe in deeply, or to quiet myself, or to connect to myself, let alone God or those around me. I wonder what it would take to change that?

So I was in the dining room the other day when I heard Cadence's voice coming from her room, saying, "Oh please don't go! We'll eat you up, we love you so!" I grabbed the camera to capture this photo of her "reading." It's the first book that she's taken to reciting, and now she walks around our home saying in the same cackly voice I use, "...And they GNASHED their terrible teeth, and they GNASHED their terrible eyes, and they GNASHED their terrible claws..." She apparently really likes the word GNASHED. It really tickles me so that she loves this book so much, because she is most definitely My Wild Thing, and that's what I love so much about her.

Speaking of Cadence, she's been under the weather the past couple days. She doesn't get sick very often, so when she does, I tend to get a little bit anxious. It hasn't been too bad so far. Just some head congestion. She tried to nurse yesterday morning and just couldn't breathe so she gave up. She later made a comment that I was "empty" and that she just couldn't do it. That made me wonder if that's how she'll self-wean, as my supply continues to dwindle, and it gets harder and harder for her to get a let-down. She must be breathing better by now because she was able to nurse last night and this morning, which I'm glad about because I prefer her to get as much breastmilk as possible when she's sick so I can pass on my antibodies.

Ted's been busy brewing up all kinds of beer. We've had lots of it in kegs lately, which is a whole new way of drinking homebrew. For those who know the joys of drinking draught beer, especially really good draught beer, you can believe that this is probably one of those no-turning-back experiences. For Ted, at least. I only drink the foamy part (and you sure can get good foam when you can control your own carbonation in a keg).

In case you haven't noticed, for the past couple months, the only shoes Cadence will wear unless cajoled otherwise are her black sparkly ballerina flats. She wears them to church, to the park, to the grocery store, to the children's museum, to the library, to the cafe, and yes, when she's driving in her little car. Needless to say, they're starting to fall apart. I finally took her shoe-shopping last night, and she INSISTED on a pink version of the sparkly shoes. Then I showed her a little less showy pair of floral canvas ballerina flats which she agreed to buy instead, and I convinced her to also accept a pair of gender neutral black canvas slip-on sneakers for the playground.

When we got home, however, she said some stuff that kind of gave me pause. She said something to the effect of "I'm a girl, so I like these shoes [meaning the flowery ballerina flats]," and she expressed less enthusiasm for the black gender neutral sneakers. As I've mentioned before, we're trying hard not to raise a little princess who will be looking for her prince in shining armor to "save" her. This is something I feel strongly about because when I was a young girl, I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic, and my mother told me women don't do things like that. I know I shouldn't get too worked up about it, but it scares me how quickly this whole gender socialization thing happens.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a post up on Shutter Sisters last Sunday. You can read all about it here.

Also, one of my photos from 826CHI's prom was picked for Gapers Block's Rearview for Tuesday May 20th. My friend Justin saw it and told me about it. That was kinda cool.

Alright, I think that's enough for now. Happy long weekend everyone!

Labels: cadence, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, this.busy.life

I've been reading Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States and getting mighty riled up. So it's quite appropriate that I got to do a photoshoot of Cadence with her Rogue Nation tattoo.

And while this photoshoot was tongue-in-cheek and more for our amusement than anything else, looking at the way the photos turned out makes me hopeful...

Don't be fooled by her looks. We are not raising this girl to be cute or to surrender to the culture of adoration.

And may she always dance in her own free-stylin' way to some Iron and Wine, and may she march to the beat of her own inner drum.

In case you're wondering, that Iron and Wine dress used to be Ted's Iron and Wine SHIRT. I restructured it into a dress in a fit of sewing frenzy (all by hand, mind you).

That frenzy also produced the dress you see above this weekend. I got the idea for this when Threadless had their $5 sale a couple weeks ago. This was one of the designs I had been waiting for like FOREVER for them to reprint on a kid-sized t-shirt. It happened to be on sale for $5, so I bought a girly-sized t-shirt instead and turned it into a dress. I'm gonna have to go through all my old band t-shirts that I don't wear any more...


Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, i.heart.sam.beam, me.so.crafty

It is a well-documented fact that I live with two goofballs. Like father, like daughter, I suppose. Something new that Cadence has been manifesting lately, however, is an more emotional attachment to her dad. Last night, Cadence was having some painful, er, poop issues, and Ted was out w/ his brother. Cadence started crying and asking for her dad. It wasn't an angry, demanding, loud tantrumy kind of cry. It was a rather quietly pleading and sad cry accentuated by her crocodile tears. I thought my heart would break. I called Ted so Cadence could talk to him on the phone, and I think she nearly broke HIS heart too.

You know, I look that top photo of these two, and my heart just stops, wondering where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday, she was a little burrito lovingly and shyly cradled in Ted's strong arms. I knew she'd grow up fast, but these days, when I look at her running around in her big girl undies, with her long wavy hair, and her so much more grown up emotions, I am stricken with a mix of love, pride, nostalgia, joy and excitement with a twinge of fear and sadness...

Well, it's Love Thursday over on Shutter Sisters, so go check it out.

Labels: cadence, family, love.thursday, parenting

A couple weeks ago, I found this little heart-shaped white mark on Cadence's back. It's best to see the photo large to make out the heart (you have to scroll over until you encounter the little white mark). She just happened to be wearing her hugs and kisses pajamas, which I thought was really appropriate for documenting this little discovery.

And here's another Love-ly photo of Cadence and Rudden. They look like they're in a heart-shaped bubble. Don't get the wrong impression, though. They are great friends, but they do fight. Not too long before this photo was taken, they were fighting about something, and Rudden started to cry. Cadence immediately softened towards him and tried to comfort him. I could just hear the love in her voice as she put her hand on his shoulder and asked, "Are you sad, Rudden?" It was really sweet. And of course, in a few moments, they were laughing and playing as usual.

In case you haven't noticed, it's Love Thursday over on Shutter Sisters, so go check it out.

Labels: cadence, friends, love.thursday

Some of you may be familiar with our struggles to get Cadence to use the potty. I was starting to think that there was something physically wrong with Cadence and that she was never ever going to get out of diapers, and I lost much sleep despairing over this issue.

I finally reached the end of my rope a couple weeks ago and started putting her in underwear inside her pants to see where that would lead. Well, after washing pee-soaked underwear and pants numerous times, I finally sat her in front of the TV on her potty and gave her as much watered-down juice as she wanted. When we had dinner, I sat her in her potty. I followed her around everywhere with that potty.

That method apparently worked, and in just a day, she was running to the potty on her own. She's gotten so good at it that she even pee-ed in the dark on Saturday night during the Lights Out for the Earth Hour.

It warms my heart so very much every time Cadence yells out "Mama! I made yellow! You have to see it!" And she takes her pee-filled potty to every visitor and insist that they look too. Our good friend (and new neighbor) Keom was over yesterday, and he didn't want to look at the pee, but I threatened him into compliance lest he hurt Cadence's feelings and throw a wrench in our potty progress so far.

So now, when we're at home, Cadence stays pantless in her underwear. She's still not pooping in the potty (except for once this past week), and I have no idea how we would get her to use the potty outside of home, but this is so much further ahead of where we were that I'm going to enjoy where we're at now. And I wouldn't have made it this far without the support of my mama friends Amy, Jenn and Sarah S-B. Thanks, ladies!

Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, parenting

I don't know who was dreaming of a white Easter, but they sure got it whoever they are. I think it was colder this Easter weekend than most Christmases in recent memory (except maybe this past one--it's been a brutal winter here, y'all).

I didn't buy Cadence an Easter dress this year. Part of the reason is that Easter fell so early I just forgot. Another reason is that I don't like Easter dresses. Cadence already runs to the mirror and admires her own reflection every time I put any dress on her, so I don't want her acquiring a taste for foofy frilly stuff. Unless it's vintage, like the dress she's wearing in the photo above, or hand-made. Then it's okay.

I don't think Cadence minded at all that I put her in an old dress over blue jeans for Easter festivities at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She had a blast searching for the Easter eggs Grandpa had hidden all over the house.

We also had fun making real Easter eggs with natural dyes. Thanks to Amy Geekgrl of Crunchy Domestic Goddess for the tips! We found that turmeric and curry powder make a lovely yellow, paprika makes a nice brownish orange, and blueberries make an awesome lavender/purple. Next year, I think I want to use spinach for green and find a good source for making a really bright red.

I hope you all had a Happy Easter/First-Weekend-of-Spring!


Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, family, photos

A week ago, I wrote a post on Shutter Sisters about How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Blur. My best shot for this week fits quite nicely with that post. I snapped this photo while chasing Cadence down our hallway. There's something about this photo that I just love (and I don't say that about too many of my photos). Sometimes, the most perfect way to capture my little whirlwind-of-a-child is like this--a total blur.

In other news, it was Ted's 31st birthday on Saturday (which coincidentally was the 6th anniversary of this here blog). We celebrated w/ a few friends and family members at an Ethiopian place called Ethiopian Diamond. It's been a long time since I've had Ethiopian, and I forgot just how delicious it is. Chicago, esp. the North side has a large Ethiopian population, so there are a number of restaurants to choose from. I think we picked a pretty good one and hope to go back.

After dinner, we headed back to our place for more libations, including shots of a really really good bottle of scotch that I bought Ted for Valentine's Day. As you can see from this photo of Erik, the scotch had its intended effect.

So is anybody else's kid suffering from sleep deficit due to the time change? I have to say, that's the last time we have a late-night gathering on the eve of a spring-forward time change. We had to be up for church the next morning, and Cadence ended up getting only 8 hours of sleep Saturday night. Ouch.


Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, birthday, cadence, friends, photography, teddy

One of the downsides of being sick for Cadence has been missing out on seeing her friends. She was so happy to be able to go to church yesterday where she was reunited with her buddy Rudden.

Here was the "conversation" I observed between them as they held hands walking to the nursery together:

Cadence: I love you, Rudden.
Rudden (singing): So we sailed up to the sun
Cadence (with her hand on his arm for emphasis): I love you, Rudden.
Rudden (singing): Till we found the sea of green
Cadence (unwavering): I love you.
Rudden (happy-go-lucky): And we lived beneath the waves
Me (interceding on Cadence's behalf): Rudden, Cadence is saying she loves you.
Rudden (carefree as ever): In our yellow submarine.

Ah, to be 3-and-a-half and have a hand to hold...

And here they are passing notes during Communion. These two are inseparable. Makes going home a physical challenge for both families. Hopefully, we're done with being sick so that these two can spend more time together, especially with the weather warming up (knocking on wood...) soon.


Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, friends

Cadence and I went to a Valentine's Day Tea Party at her buddy Ada Grey's (and my friends Jenn and John's) place. These folks know how to throw a party, and I knew we'd have a great time. As you can see from this photo, we were not disappointed.

My photos can't do justice to the yumminess that was spread out before us. You'll just have to trust me on that one.

I can't say that we actually got around to sitting and eating our goodies and sipping tea. Nevertheless, we all had fun. And Ada got to wear these nifty shoes!

Labels: cadence, friends

I recently purchased the SB-600 speedlight for a little more versatility in flash photography. One of my favorite features so far is the ability to bounch the light on the wall BEHIND me. I usually hate the way flash is reflected in the eyes of the subject as little white dots, but I think bouncing the flash backwards makes the catchlight in Cadence's eyes almost natural.

Still, nothing beats natural light in my book.


Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photography

I may be a little biased, or I may be a little too interested in the show Heroes, but I just happen to think Cadence is pretty Super. Just look at that smile! I do believe it could melt a heart of steel.

And that jump! I do believe this little sprite knows how to fly.

See more folk's Best Shots at Tracey's Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Anyone who knows Cadence in real life (or virtually) knows that she is little ball of TREMENDOUS energy. It's probably why I'm so tired all the time.

As you can imagine, we start suffering from cabin fever right around this time of year. A 2 bedroom condo is not the best place to unleash the power of the force that is Cadence, so I signed her up for a few classes with the park district, including basketball. Hence the new kicks.

She's only had one class so far, and there was only one other boy her age, and I hear she was more interested in pushing some cart and something about a monkey than in actual basketball, but as you can see, she's a natural.

Now if only I could convince her that our couch is not a trampoline...

See other folks' Best Shots on Tracey's Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Proof #1--Crazy bedhead hair. I could NEVER get MY hair to do that.

Proof #2--Totally cool flamin' hat.

Proof #3--Notice the flannel snap button shirt beneath her Threadless Tee. And that look of bershon. While holding a balloon.

Proof #4--She always travels with an entourage.

Ok. So all this really has nothing to do w/ hipness. But in my estimation, Cadence has mastered the hip and cool like I never could as a kid. I hope she masters the way of love and compassion and justice as well.

See other folks' Best Shots on Tracey's Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence

When my family moved to the U.S. from Seoul back in 1978, we couldn't have had a harsher winter to initiate us into life in Chicago than that first one we experienced, which just happened to include the infamous blizzard of '79 that fell in January. This was the snow storm that booted the incumbent mayor out of office due to the transportation nightmare that ensued. I remember loving the snow as a kid. I guess all kids do, huh? My friend Ruthy and I must have spent hours playing in it. I don't know how we stood the cold.

I haven't played in the snow in a while, but it's kind of unavoidable if you a) have a kid and b) live in Chicago. This is the first winter that Cadence hasn't been scared of the white stuff, and now she really loves it. She even helped me shovel when it was our unit's turn to be on snow duty for our building. She is happy to just sit at our window and watch the snow come down, down, down, but what she REALLY loves is playing in it. It's one of the few times she is cooperative getting all her clothes on--socks, babylegs, undershirt, sweater, snowpants, scarf, coat, hat, mittens, and boots.

I have to say that seeing her rosy-cheeked, beaming face is totally worth freezing my butt off. Really, joy doesn't get any purer than this. I suppose some day Cadence will be old enough to go out and play in the snow by herself. But I hope I'll be the kind of mom who'll go out and make snow angels or build a snowman or snowfort right alongside her.

Labels: cadence, memory.lane

I hope you all had a lovely holiday however it was celebrated (or not). We've been busy, but we also enjoyed our time with our families.

I think this was the first time Cadence actually enjoyed the act of opening presents. Since we wanted to keep things simple and not so focused on presents, we only gave her one small gift to unwrap on Christmas morning at home. It was a wooden crocodile that I had bought at the Seeds of Change marketplace earlier in the month. Cadence had wanted it then, but I had bought her a giraffe already, so I bought it when she wasn't looking and saved it for her. And she totally remembered that it was the crocodile from church and immediately reunited it with her giraffe.

We stopped at my uncle's in the burbs on the way to Ted's parents' house. My mom was spending Christmas with them, so we got to see her too. My cousins Sherline and Debbie were there too, and it's always nice to spend time with them. I think they enjoy having a little kid's voice in the house, especially for the holidays.

It turned out to be a good thing that we only gave her the one gift in the morning since there were definitely a lot of presents with her name on it under Grandma and Grandpa's tree. See that big box with the snowflakes? That's from Great Grandma Carol, and there were no less than half a dozen entire outfits in there.

Ted's mom and his Aunt Martha made Christmas dinner, which was as lovely as it was delicious. Cadence was excited to sit down at the beautiful place setting, but when it actually came time to eat, she decided against it.

After a couple bites of pasta, she decided it was time for dessert but settled for an apple she found in the fruit bowl. Finally, someone left a tupperware full of Grandma's yummy cookies out unsupervised on the kitchen table, and Cadence was in heaven.

At least four cookies later, we were served Auntie Martha's homemade eggnog ice cream, and Cadence absolutely loved it. In fact, she traded one of the cookies she had in her fist to me for my last spoonful of ice cream. I think she must have had 10 cookies at least during the course of the evening. And about 20 minutes before we left, she found the bowl of gumdrops.

Cadence probably had a week's worth of sugar in a span of 3 hours. And this is the kid who when she opened up her present from Yia Yia and found a bag of M&Ms said, "Look! Snack!" and put the bag down uninterested. Had we told her it was chocolate, she would've made us open it up on the spot.

It was a nice time with the family, although we were missing Uncle Charles and Auntie Ali in Seattle, as well as Uncle Dave and Aunt Becki and Uncle Douglas and Auntie Lauren who were vacationing in Athens for Christmas.

Alright. I'm pooped. I've been back at work as of today, but at least it's a short week. We're still super busy trying to clean up the tornado that apparently blew through our condo during the holidays. We've got people coming over on Sunday so we don't have much of a choice. The good thing is that I remembered that there is a new Salvation Army Family Store that just opened up in our neighborhood, so we can give away a lot of our stuff and hopefully, HOPEFULLY, in 2008 we'll get a system of organization down. I guess I'd have to believe in miracles for that one to come true.

Labels: cadence, christmas, family, holidays.wear.me.out

Our little friend Caely turned 4 this week, and we partook of the festivities at Chucky Cheese. I admit I was scared to go, but Cadence would never have forgiven me if she knew I kept her home from an opportunity to eat CAKE.

When we first got to the party, Cadence was scared of the giant robotic animals on stage, and she begged to go back home. Once those robotic furry creatures started dancing and performing, however, she decided they were harmless, and before the night was over she got pretty chummy with Chucky himself.

There were a lot of kids there that we didn't know, but Cadence's friends Rudden and Baby Jack and Zane were there, as were my friends, their moms, so it was fun to hang out amidst the chaos of singing robotic stuffed animals, video arcades, rides and a vast array of little toys and prizes.

My favorite activity, though, had to be the Sketch Booth. It was kinda like a photobooth, except that Chucky Cheese (a computerized version, and just his hand at that) himself would sketch a picture of you from a snapshot taken in the booth. Amy and I had a hard time getting the kids' heads in the camera frame, which resulted in this funny series. I think that's Zane's hand in the middle photo.

The kids are all growing up so fast...Baby Jack was just about to be conceived when Ted and Cadence and I started attending Berry Church where we met these families. Now he's toddling around everywhere. Cadence wasn't even walking at the time...I'm just glad she's got some friends who really feel like family to her, and I look forward to many more birthday parties to come. Even ones at Chucky Cheese.

Labels: cadence, friends, i.heart.berry.church, photos

Well, Cadence kept telling me that when all the leaves fell off the branches, that the snow would come. Looks like she was right. We were totally taken off guard when we exited the Seeds of Change marketplace at church on Saturday afternoon.

It's too bad it only lasted all of three hours when the freezing rain and sleet started coming down and turned everything into slush and ice before it all melted away during the night.

That's okay, though. Even though we enjoyed it for only a few minutes before we had to get in the car to pick up Ted from work, the looks of total glee and wonderment on Cadence's face were so worth it.

Go visit other folks' best shots on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, here.comes.winter, seasons.change

Slowly but surely, Cadence seems to be recovering from her cold. We went through an entire family sized box of Kleenex, and I think we'll be able to get through this week on maybe just half of one.

I tried to get a really snotty photo of her for posterity, but for some reason, it's really hard to get one of her where she looks all that bad.

Unfortunately, we spent the weekend pretty much indoors except to go out and buy more tissue and homeopathic stuff. Ted caught the bug Saturday, so we were a pretty miserable bunch for most of the weekend. I was a bit more lucky and got to go do a photoshoot of my cousins' daughter Eden Sunday afternoon. It was a really nice day, although it was a bummer to see the sun go down so much earlier with the time change. Oh, and it was a bummer I didn't get to give Eden any hugs from fear of making her sick too.

On my way home from the photoshoot, I stopped in at the rose garden near downtown Evanston. I was quite surprised to see so many roses in bloom in November.

I guess it's been a pretty warm fall so far. Still, it's pretty amazing to see such lovely and huge blossoms thriving in the middle of autumn, especially since we had some nights in the 30s last week.

There's something extremely nostalgic to me about this time of year. Spring and summer are such hopeful, exciting seasons--so much new life popping up all around, and countless hours spent in the warm sun outdoors. Autumn, on the other hand, is when time slows down, and I start savoring the memories, recent and from long ago.

Alright, let me cut this short before I get all sappy on y'all. Go see other folks' best shots at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Yep. Cadence is still sick. And I have a sore throat. I'm pumping my body full of Emergen-C in hopes that things don't get any worse.

But here's a funny little incident that occurred around the dinner table this evening.

Ted: I think I want some i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m...
Cadence: Yeah! I want some ICE CREAM!!!
(Ted and I look at each other in amused horror)
Ted: Cadence, what does i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m spell?
Cadence: ICE CREAM!!!

I guess we're gonna have to brush up on our Pig Latin...

Labels: cadence, Cadence-isms, family, ha.ha.ha., health, sick.cadence

Thanks, ya'll for your concern for my little bugger Cadence. Alas, it is a veritable snotfest PLUS crankyfest in chez moi. Oh the festivities! Cadence hasn't been able to sleep well the past 3 nights, and by default neither (niether? neither? nether? Crap. I'm tired.) has Ted nor I (have/and? have/nor/or? has/and? has/nor/or?).

We've been pretty spoiled in that Cadence has been this sick only a handful of times. Normally, she gets a runny nose for a day or two, we pump her w/ homeopathics and breastmilk, and she's usually back to normal. I knew when that high fever hit her Monday night, we were in for a bit more drama this time around. Plus, I don't think she's getting as much breastmilk as she used to, which is why I find myself, the mother of a 3 year old, taking an herbal galactalogue [in case you're too lazy to click on the link, a galactalogue is something that promotes lacation, e.g. breastmilk production]. I'm probably overreacting, but with the cold season coming up, there's no way I'm stopping breastfeeding now. Maybe by the time she's 4 years old, she'll allow us to perform nasal irrigation on her, but for now, I need all the ammo I can get in fighting the notorious bug season in Chicago, which only seems to get worse over the years as the bugs beget stronger and more-resistant-to-everything bugs.

Well, I hope Cadence doesn't get any worse, and I have to keep in mind that this will only boost her immune system for the future. Whether Ted and I make it through the bug unscathed is yet to be seen...

Labels: cadence, extended.breastfeeding, health, parenting, sick.cadence

Woah, is it really Wednesday already?! Holy schmoles. I've been super busy for several reasons. First of all, Ted and I spent every free moment (e.g., while Cadence was napping/sleeping) this weekend watching episodes from the 1st Season of Heroes. 2nd of all, Cadence seems to be fighting a bug. She's had a fever since the middle of Monday night, and I think some cold/ear infection symptoms are manifesting today. 3rd, I'm super super busy at work. That's why I skipped my usual Best Shot(s) Monday post. I'll try to make it up today, but I have to admit my brain is a bit preoccupied by homeopathic remedies for all the possible things that may be ailing Cadence. She seldom gets sick (go breastmilk!), so when she DOES feel a bit under the weather, all that mommy anxiety and stress I've been saving up come out in full force.

Was Saturday as beautiful in your neck of the woods as it was in ours? I hope so. Totally perfect autumn weather. Crisp, clear and sunny. Too warm for a coat but warm enough to get by with a sweater. We took advantage of the day and visited Garfield Park Conservatory w/ my cousin Kris. My other cousin Ben and his wife Rachel and daughter Eden and their friend Seth joined us later.

It was the last weekend of Niki in the Garden, a special exhibit of Niki de Saint Phalle's oversized and colorful sculptures. It's the perfect exhibit for families, as many of the sculptures are interactive and even climbable.

Cadence made the most of the afternoon sun and even found a little hill to run up and down. She loved that the grass was covered with small golden leaves.

It eventually got chilly as the sun got lower and lower on the horizon. I had left Cadence's jacket in the car, so I put my hoodie on her. I have to say, she looks like the cutest grim reaper I've ever seen.

Okay, I'm really starting to bore myself with this post, so just enjoy the photos. I SO totally need a nap...

This is what I call signature Cadence Cheese. Snapped right before we got kicked out, as the park was closing.

And by Sunday afternoon, it was cold enough to dig out the winter coat and hat. Here we are on our way to Metropolis for some really yummy hot chocolates.

Alright. Enough with the cheesiness. Hopefully, all that homeopathic stuff will work and Cadence will be feeling better soon. Still, I'm sure we won't be going anywhere on Halloween night this year. Good thing I already took photos of her in her costume:

Labels: cadence, family, photos, this.busy.life

When Cadence woke up from her nap today, she said it was too sunny and wanted to wear her sunglasses. As she was sitting on her potty with her bedhead and all groggy-like, I couldn't help thinking she looked like a hung-over rock star taking his/her first piss of the day.

Well. At least she's sitting on the potty. And yes, she did manage to actually pee in it this time.

Labels: cadence, ha.ha.ha.

My bro-in-law Dave left a comment on this photo on Flickr wanting to know who authorized a haircut for Cadence, "especially in such a style." Ha ha! Truth is, it's a fake haircut. Her hair got stuck inside her turtleneck when I was getting her dressed, and I noticed it looked like she got a haircut, so I snapped a few shots. As IF. It's taken me FOREVER (okay, 3 years, not really forever) to get her hair long enough for pigtails and barrettes, so there's no way I'm letting a pair of scissors come near her head.

Yesterday was a truly blustery day. I had a migraine almost the whole day. Luckily, it was my day to telecommute, but still. Working with a migraine, even from the comfort of my sofa, kinda sucks bigtime. I was feeling well enough by around 5pm, so I took Cadence outside to play. Holy schmoles! I was NOT expecting it to be THAT cold. The sad thing is, it probably wasn't all that cold. Maybe in the high 40's with the wind chill, but compared to what we normally get in winter round these parts, not that cold in the grand scheme of things. I'm just not ready to let go of summer just yet...

So, I realize I take a lot of photos of Cadence (that would be the understatement of the year). And yet, I have to admit that sometimes I get these shots that just take my breath away. Like this one above here.

Or this one. She can be so cheesy sometimes, but it's really her serious, deep looks that pierce me in that maternal place in my heart.

So while we're on the topic of photos, it looks like a few of you have discovered that I'm working on a new photo gallery. I didn't mean it to get out there in public, as I'm still futzing around with it, but I've discovered a great little tool called Pictobrowser that lets you create a snazzy looking slideshow gallery of your Flickr photos based on a specific tag, group or set. I'm still playing around with it, but if you like, you can go take a looksy at my new photo gallery page over here.

Or just look at the example below:


What I like about Pictobrowser is its sleek design and no nonsense font and the fact that you can see the title of the photo if you hover over a thumbnail with your mouse, as well as give you a link to the actual Flickr page where the photo resides. The downside is that I can't figure out how to get more than 21 pages of photos to show up. Of course, it's kinda crazy to have 21 pages of photos of any category, but I take a lot of photos, ya know. Oh well. I guess I have to be more critical of the photos I put in these here galleries. Currently, I just have the one of some of my favorite photos taken after I switched to dSLR. I'm working on one for all of Cadence. And the one posted in this blog is of my nature shots. I'll probably do one of Chicago, or street photography, or something. I dunno...The possibilities are endless with Pictobrowser.

Tags: Pictobrowser, Photography

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, cadence, photography, photos

And boy, do I need it. Since we have to wait until Cadence goes to sleep to get our Heroes fix, we've been going to bed a bit later than normal on work nights. Then last night, we were out with Cadence until past midnight, and today I had to drag my butt out of bed bright and early to pick up our CSA delivery. Ugh. Plus, our upstairs neighbor is having her hardwood floors buffed and sealed, so it's been pretty noisy around here, which means Cadence won't nap. Which means I can't nap.

So Ted & Tim Lowly and gang played a show @ the Beat Kitchen last night. It was an all ages show, which is why Cadence went with us. This is a photo of Tim right before he got abducted by aliens.

The lineup at last night's show was pretty different from the usual. Matt Ganong, the pianist, is in California playing for an opera. He'll be there for a few more weeks. Ethan, the violinist, was somewhere else. He WAS in South Korea visiting his brother, but I don't know if he's back yet. Anyhoo, the lovely and talented Rebekah Miller filled in the gaps.

I hear the show went well, but I wouldn't know as I was chasing Cadence around the block pretty much the whole time.

*The title of this post is a reference to an Ian Moore song, "New Day." Apparently, Ian likes his coffee from a big cup too.

Labels: cadence, coffee, i.heart.metropolis, tim.lowly.ensemble

I've been taking a break from blogging this week, as I've been thoroughly preoccupied with 5 different books simultaneously, not to mention the fact that Ted and I have discovered the vast library of DVDs available for immediate online viewing on Netflix. We're currently going through The Life of Birds narrated by David Attenborough as well as the first season of Heroes (after Cadence goes to sleep). I have to admit that I'm a little obsessed with the latter show. We don't have TV reception, so we can only watch it on DVD or online, and we're hurriedly trying to catch up.

So, have you guys noticed that the one thing about Cadence I never talk about on this here blog is her using the potty? There's a reason for that. It's pretty simple, really. She doesn't use it. So there's nothing to talk about. Unless I talk about her NOT using the potty, and how that's getting old. Ted and I are trying not to put too much pressure on her. She has peed on the potty on occasion, and she'll sit on it for a while for the heck of it, but she continues to resist on most occasions. For reasons I don't want to get into right now, I don't want to resort to candy or stickers or charts, so I guess we're just gonna have to be patient.

Sometimes I think to myself, "Goodness gracious, what have I done?! I've got a kid who still sucks on my boob, sleeps w/ me and wears diapers at the age of THREE!!" It's so easy to second-guess the way you've parented and wonder if everything you've ever done is just WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'll bet there are folks reading this who'd say, "Hell, like DUH! What were you thinking?! You were wrong alright." Well, I'm doing what I feel is right for Cadence and our family. And you know what? She's still totally kick-ass. There is absolutely no denying that.

Labels: books, cadence, parenting

I am sad to say that I lost ¾ of Saturday to a god-awful migraine. I finally got desperate and called my mother to send me real migraine drugs via my brother. I haven't taken any of the more potent migraine pills since prior to getting pregnant w/ Cadence, but I just couldn't take it any more. Thankfully, my brother Jim brought drugs and food, so I was sufficiently revived by 6pm to take Cadence out for the last hour of daylight to play at our favorite park on the lakefront.

Here she is conducting an imaginary orchestra of trees, grass, leaves and pebbles while munching on an apple at the park.

And here she is commanding the lake and the rocks to give her more crescendo. Or maybe she's playing a fiddle? Who knows. She's quite dramatic with the hand gestures as of late.

She did actually get some swinging in, although she seems bored with most of the playground equipment nowadays.

Although she got into some good old-fashioned pole-swinging. I used to do that for hours on my grammar school playground.

And, of course, there was running involved. She sure took a long time eating that apple, too, I might add.

Finally, we're back home taking a breather. Oh, ignore the crumbs on the carpet, please. I didn't feel like taking out the vacuum cleaner just to take a few shots.

And that's it for my best shots for this week. Go see more at Tracey's Picture This!

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Here's a recap of Cadence's actual birthday (Monday the 24th) told in photos, because I am too drained from being sick all week to write a meaningful blog post.

Breakfast at Pauline's, cuz who WOULDN'T want to start off their 4th year of life with French toast and strawberries smothered in real whipped cream?

She fell asleep on the car ride over to the planeterium, but perked up when we told her we were gonna see the moon and planets and stars. BTW, a really good, cheap place to park downtown is right on that little strip of meters by the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium and the Adler Planeterium. They have TEN (no, not two, TEN) hour parking meters for just a quarter a half-hour. Plus, there's a free trolley stop right in front of the Planeterium.

Oh, and did I mention the Planetarium was free on Monday? It's also free the whole week of October 8th-12th, plus on Mondays and Tuesdays in October and November. Now that I've given you the tip on cheap parking, you've got no excuse not to go.

Looks like Ted and Cadence will be going to the moon. Just like Wallace and Gromit. We ARE a cheese-loving family, so it only makes sense.

After the Planetarium, we headed over to Navy Pier. Ted found street parking on just the other side of Lake Shore Drive, so we didn't have to pay $20 to park for our hour of fun on the Pier. I didn't even know there was a carousel there, so that was a special bonus for Cadence, who absolutely ADORES carousels and anything horse-related.

The main reason for going to Navy Pier was to ride on the Ferris Wheel. I know folks who've gotten engaged on that thing, but after all these years living in Chicago, I had never ridden in it myself. Cadence has admired the Wheel from a distance while driving past it on Lake Shore Drive, so she was excited when Ted told her we'd be going up for a ride in it.

I wasn't sure if she'd get scared being up so high in a flimsy little carriage, but that thing moves so slow, so she was just fine. And her big strong Dada held her close the whole time, so of course she felt safe.

We didn't get home until past 5:30, but we were able to squeeze in a ride on Cadence's new trike before the sun went down.

She still hasn't figured out the pedaling part yet. And yes, sparkly ballet flats are probably not the ideal shoes for riding a tricycle, but then again, why the heck not?! I paid full price for those shoes in a last-minute fit of desperation before the wedding last month, so I want her to get as much use out of them as possible!

And that's about it, folks. I've been sleeping on the couch (when I'm lucky to be able to sleep at all) the past couple nights due to my hacking cough, so I'm pretty exhausted. I stayed home from work Thursday but still had to work all day to be able to finish a project that was due that day. Plus, I had to watch Cadence most of the day, since she decided she'd rather nap than go out w/ Ted on his 3-hour errand.

Tonight, though, I'm getting me some much needed girl time w/ my friend Amy (Cadence's best bud Rudden's mom) PLUS some high culture courtesy of the Strawdog Theater Company, which my friend John (Ada's dad) is a part of. They are performing four radio scripts (one of which John wrote) PLUS it's a free show! My kind of evening, all the way.

Labels: birthday, cadence, family, i.heart.chicago, photos

Today is our little Cadence's 3rd birthday. I'm off work today to spend the day with her, but we had the official celebration yesterday. That's also when she wore her birthday dress.

Poor thing. Her mama dresses her like a character out of Little House on the Prairie. I just hope she doesn't retaliate by wearing midriffs at the age of 9.

Ted's mom made a yummy banana cake in the shape of a flower. It was simply perfect. Although, I think Cadence covered it in her spit trying to blow out her candles. It literally took her 50 tries and then a little help from Dada to get those things blown out. Which is surprising, considering I KNOW for a fact that there's nothing wrong with them lungs of hers.

The big birthday present we got Cadence was a shiny new red Schwinn Roadster tricycle. We thought she'd be totally into it, but quite frankly, she was only interested in the bell at first. I think she was a little intimidated by the size. It took a little coaxing, but her uncles Dave and Jay got her to finally sit in it so I could actually get a photo.

Apparently, she feels much more comfortable on the trike when she's not wearing any clothes. She may be a future Naked Bike Rider in the making.

It's hard to believe Cadence was ever this little. I'm amazed at the big personality emerging from this still-growing body of hers. Thank you, Cadence, for being the best kid we could have ever asked for. We love you!

Go see more folk's Best Shots on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, birthday, cadence, photos

...and it's coming from this blog. Yes, lame-age abounds around here these days, I totally admit it. It's been a rough week, people.

So Monday through Wednesday, I had this meeting in downtown Chicago with other folks within the compensation world in my industry. My boss asked me to make a presentation about our company and our compensation practices. I was totally stressed out because 1) if given the choice between a root canal WITHOUT anesthesia and speaking formally in front of total strangers, I would gladly pick the root canal and thank the Lord for my good fortune; 2) I knew I'd be the LEAST experienced person professionally in the room; and 3) I just don't know my sh*t as well as I should.

To make matters worse, Cadence kept me up most of Monday night, so I went into this meeting on Tuesday with only a couple hours of sleep. Plus, I was starting to feel a cold coming on. Last, but not least, I was scheduled to give my presentation at 4:30pm, right before everyone would be heading to their hotel for the cocktail reception at 5pm.

I can't tell you how the presentation went as I've permanently repressed the memory, cuz everybody knows that anything more painful than a root canal without anesthesia (except for childbirth) should qualify for automatic repression within the memory banks. All I know is my boss didn't fire me on the spot, so it must have been okay. And no, I'm pretty sure I wasn't great.

Anyhoo, if that whole debacle weren't bad enough, I developed a migraine Tuesday night (from lack of sleep Monday night) and had to sit through Wednesday's meeting with a bruised head. Thank goodness it was a half-day meeting. I'd had plans of going on a photoshoot as long as I was downtown, but instead I went straight home and threw up. I missed our friend Erik's birthday dinner, and my head kept on hurting right into Thursday. Plus, I developed a full-blown cold by Thursday morning and couldn't stop sneezing, which made my headache worse. I stayed home from work, but I barely felt well enough to attend the Tim Lowly art reception/music show that evening.

Nevertheless, I really wanted to see Tim's art as he is one of my favorite artists, so I dragged my sickly self (actually, I should say WE dragged OUR sickly selves, as Ted is sick too) out of the house to see the show. I'm glad I did, because I hadn't seen most of the stuff he was showing, and it's pretty flippin' rad. That's Tim in the photo above, wearing the Tim Lowly ensemble t-shirt that the lovely and talented Katie Schofield embroidered. And that's my good friend Amy taking some Super8 footage.

I also took some of my favorite photos in a while, so click on the photo above for the whole slideshow. You can also see some of Tim's artwork, as well as photos of the music show that followed the reception.

This is actually my favorite photo from the night. It's just kinda wacky, ya know? Tim says it looks like a scene from a play, and I would have to agree. Katie C.(the violinist) looks like she's about to say something really poignant. And Matt looks like he's just gonna ignore her. And then there's that bottle of wine off to the side...

Tim's really nice to let me bring Cadence to all the shows. She was running and dancing and hopping around a lot, and at one point found her way onto stage. She told me she needed to talke to dada. No, really. That's what she said: "I need to talk to Dada." And she was totally serious.

Speaking of the munchkin, she's turning 3 on Monday. Another reason we're kinda stressed in this household. We're not having a party or anything--just cake w/ immediate family, no kids or anything. I'm glad we planned it that way, cuz I don't think I would've wanted to host a party w/ other folks' children in the condition I'm in right now--all snotty and achey and whatnot.

So that's the scoop, y'all. I'm sorry I've been bad about responding to comments or catching up on your blogs. I hope things mellow out in October...

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, cadence, fess.up.time, photography, photos, this.busy.life, tim.lowly.ensemble

Ok, I'm like totally swamped w/ work related stuff, but here's a short post. So we went to the Great Lakes Brewfest in Racine, WI on Saturday. And by 'we' I mean Ted and his brother David, who was turning 35 the next day. It was a 21-and-over event, so Cadence and I had to find other things to do.

While Ted and Dave were at this all-you-can-drink mayhem, Cadence and I checked out the local tourist trap, where she had her Very First Pony Ride. I didn't think she would actually get on the pony, cuz the whole time we were in line watching the other kids get their turn, she kept asking me where the 'little horse' was. I told her this was the littlest one they had, and she seemed worried. Once she was on the pony, I had to walk with her almost the whole time, which is why I only have this one crappy photo. Still, a little girl's first pony ride is something that MUST be documented.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Can the sky get any bluer than that? And this photos was taken WITHOUT my polarizing filter. It didn't get any warmer than 70 degrees, if that. It's really my favorite kind of weather. You know. Seattle summer weather.

It was positively nippy by the time we headed back to Racine to pick up the boys. Cadence and I visited the lakefront where the fishermen were throwing their lines, and the wind was starting to get pretty chilly, as you can see from Cadence's nose matching her jacket.

The sun set while we were by the lake, and the horizon turned a beautiful shade of pink. I love Lake Michigan right around sunset.

We went to pick up Ted and Dave when the brewfest was over, as I was the designated driver. And it's a good thing. Stinkin' drunk they were by the time I picked them up. They were running down the street pretending to be shooting at each other like they were little kids, while I was honking and honking and they ran right past the car without realizing it was me. While I was taking this picture, I didn't realize there was a guy peeing in the bushes behind them (another inebriated participant of the brewfest), and he yelled out at me, 'What are you, the PO-LEECE?!!' If he'd kept his mouth shut, I wouldn't have even seen him.

Anyhoo, in conjunction with the brewfest, there was a homebrew competition. Ted entered 4 of his brews, and we just found out today that he won 2nd place in the IPA (India Pale Ale) category!!!! You can see the results here. Scroll down to Table 17 to see the winners of the IPA category. This was the one with most entrants (19) so 2nd place is actually quite impressive. And there's Ted in the photo above celebrating with the most excellent Rogue Mocha Porter, which just became available at Trader Joe's. A well-deserved drink, I'd say.

Read more about Ted and his homebrewing obsession on his blog.

Labels: beer, cadence, family, homebrew, photos, teddy

Ok, I hate to turn this blog into a fashion show for Cadence, but I'm kinda really digging the old vintage stuff I've been finding. Ted thinks this dress is GAUDY, but I like it on many levels.

First of all, it isn't pink or red or purple.

Second of all, it seems to make Cadence a bit thoughful and moody.

And lastly, I am just a total sucker for smockage.

Go see other folks' Best Shots Monday on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, i.heart.vintage

For this week, I give you three of Cadence's smiles from the past week. This one above is one of her sweeter ones.

And this one is sweet in more ways than one. This smile is covered in chocolate!

And here's a dimply one. Probably one of my favorites ever. Folks have been commenting how much older she's looking. I guess that's an inevitable part of growing up...*sigh*...It's been good times, fer sure.

Go see other folks' Best Shots on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

Slowly but surely, I'm making a comeback to my semi-normal self. Thanks for all y'alls well-wishes. Cadence and I have had a relaxing Saturday morning, and that helps. We picked up our share of our CSA from Uncle Dave & Auntie Becki's right after we woke up. I realized that if I waited just a little while longer, the Unique Thrift store on Sheridan and Montrose would be opening. This provided a good excuse to grab a latte and bagel from Beans and Bagels on Montrose right under the Brown Line.

I've never been there, but knew it was just the place for me because a) there was a big WLUW sticker on the door, b) they were playing the latest Camera Obscura album in its entirety(I got in at the first track, no less!) and c)they serve Metropolis Coffee. Like what more could I possibly ask for at 8:52AM on a Saturday morning?

After enjoying our bagel, latte (for me) and apple, we piled back into the car and headed east on Montrose for some Unique thrifting. I found this little toy camera for Cadence, which entertained her in the cart for a bit. The nice thing about Unique is that there are so many toys that there's usually something that will keep Cadence happy in her cart while I shop. I don't buy 75% of what she plays with during our visit.

Although I would prefer to go on Mondays when the whole store is 50% off, they always have certain colored tags at half-off on different days. Today, it was green and pink. Unfortunately, a lot of what I wanted to buy had yellow tags, but we still made out okay. We paid an average of $1.50 for each clothing item we bought. Not bad, eh?

Cadence is napping now and on her 2nd play of her Sleepytime Songs CD. I can usually get her sleep for a couple hours when that album is playing. I think I'm going to grab something to eat for lunch and start tidying up around here. TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now!)

Labels: cadence, i.heart.chicago, this.busy.life, thrifty.life

And no, it's not because Cadence smothered herself in butt cream the other day, although the fact that I didn't notice she was being unusually quiet under the table (which usually means poop or trouble) should be an indication of my current state of exhaustion.

I thought that once the wedding was over, I'd be able to catch my breath, but I was busy editing photos all week after the wedding and fretting over what processor to use for printing the photos (which if anyone has any suggestions, I'm totally open to 'em), and then we've had tons of family related stuff since last Monday, with cousins in town, birthdays, Belgian Beer tastings, etc.

I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm not a superhuman and that my body and mind and emotions can only take so much fun and drama before I begin to fall apart and start doing things like almost missing my stop on the train or nodding off at my desk mid-email (both of which I've done today).

Our friend (and my cousin Jeannie's boyfriend) Erik has been staying with us since last Monday, and my cousin Jeannie has been staying with us since she flew in on Wednesday. There have been many hours of talking and laughing and beer drinking since, and I guess there's only so much fun you can have before you start losing your ability to function.

I feel really bad for Cadence. No, feeling bad is an understatement. Plagued by guilt is probably more accurate. I was so busy with all the wedding preparations, and then editing photos, and now hanging out w/ guests and family. I think I've totally screwed up her night-time schedule as she hasn't been going to bed before 11:30pm for almost a month now, and it's totally not her fault. What toddler could resist all that stimulation when there's so much going on?

And still, she is such an awesome kid. Yes, she's demanding and opinionated and spirited, but what I've learned is that if I give her focused attention, without rolling my eyes or giving her attitude, and I do what I can to meet her needs in that moment, she is perfectly agreeable and in fact a very sweet kid. Children are so forgiving of their parents' shortcomings.

I've got several hundred photos from the past weekend that I need to get through. I'm going to take my time, though. I mean, who really cares about my Garfield Park Conservatory photos anyways? Or snapshots of family? Those photos will still be around in another week or two. Of course if I take another few hundred photos this week, then I'll REALLY be digging myself into a hole. I guess I should just hide my camera for a few weeks then...And I should probably stay away from the Hideout's annual block party...

Labels: about.me, cadence, family, parenting, prayer.for.the.paranoid, this.busy.life

I did an impromptu photoshoot of Cadence in her "new" vintage red dress while I was getting her dressed. The light was just right in her room, not that it matters so much when you're shooting raw and editing in Adobe Lightroom.

Here's a full view of the dress. It's pretty short, as you can see. I had her wear it over a pair of jeans, and it works well as a blouse too.

I'm kinda tickled at how good she's getting in front of the camera. Sometimes she runs, but sometimes she actually cooperates. She likes looking at the photos right after I've taken them.

I've got a dozen and a half of these Red Dress photos, so if you wanna seem 'em all, the flickr set is over here.

Speaking of that Red Dress, Cadence actually wore it to the Elizabeth Michell and Family show @ Ravinia on Saturday. In case you don't know, Elizabeth Mitchell, her husband Daniel Littleton and their daughter Storey have a series of kids albums that are THE BEST children's music you'll find in records stores these days. Their music is such a gift to true music lovers who do not want to have to resort to Barney or The Wiggles when it comes to listening to music with their kids. Cadence LOVES their music and sings along to all the songs now. I can't tell you what joy fills my heart to hear my daughter singing songs by The Carter Family and Woody Guthrie and Elizabeth Cotten, to name a few.

We met up w/ our friends Ada and her parents Jenn and John at the show. They are also big Elizabeth Mitchell (and Ida, Liz and Dan's grownup band) fans. Our friends Felix and Zarah and their new son Asher were also there. Zarah is actually cousins w/ Dan Littleton, so they got special passes and all that jazz. When Z invited me to hang out with them after the show, however, I got too shy and declined. It kinda would've been like having lunch w/ Bono for me.

Anyhoo, rest of the Elizabeth Mitchell and Family show photos can be seen over here.

Check out more folks' best shots on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, childrens.music, elizabeth.mitchell, i.heart.vintage

Help! There is a guinea pig, turtle and duckling peforming an operetta in my head, and they won't stop!! Someone sing me Spanich techno, NOW!

Alas, I suppose I deserve it, considering how many hours we've allowed Cadence to watch that show during the past week. There must be something like 8 different episodes on one DVD, and that is ALL she wants to watch these days. We find ourselves singing the theme song at random moments throughout the day. Cadence's affection for this show far surpasses any previous obsessions.

Simultaneously, she's developed quite the thing for Winnie-the-Pooh. She'd always been more interested in Tigger, but lately it's all about the Pooh.

*sigh*...It seems that we have sold our souls to the media devil...Heaven help us now...

Hopefully, once we start acting like sane people again after the wedding this weekend, we'll actually do things that require putting on real clothes (or bathing suits) and maybe smelling some flowers or something. For now, though, those Wonder Pets have sure got the right stuff.

Labels: cadence, fess.up.time, new.pornographers, this.busy.life

#1—I was walking to the train one day when I passed an elderly dog of indiscernible breed hanging around his front lawn. He was a friendly type---the kind that always has a smile on his face, and I wasn't worried at all walking by him. His owner was on the front porch, just a couple yards away, and he called to his dog in such a gentle, amiable tone that made me smile to myself as I hurried to catch my train. It got me thinking about a quote by Gandhi that says, 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' (Thank you, Google) I think this is true. I then got to thinking about how it is considered inhumane to hit a dog or cat or most animals in this country, but when it comes to hitting a child it's considered discipline.

I suppose the Christians have at least a little bit of something to do with this. One little Bible verse in the book of Proverbs—'Spare the rod, spoil the child' has probably done more to mislead parents regarding appropriate discipline than all the other verses regarding love, gentleness, kindness, mercy and forgiveness combined have done to enlighten them. I know that there are now Christian groups who believe in grace-based discipline and do not believe in spanking. William and Martha Sears, who are often considered the spokespersons for Attachment Parenting, are in fact devout Christians. Still, most folks who grew up in Christian or church-going homes grew up being spanked. I know a lot of folks who were hit as a child say they turned out okay so spanking must not be that bad. To them, I say, you probably turned out okay DESPITE being spanked. I'm sorry, but I personally don't see how the assertion of one's superior physical strength or size over another of inferior strength or size can EVER produce truly positive, long-term effects, such as instilling a sense of SELF-discipline, or the sense of right and wrong that is based on internalized morals and not fear of punishment.

I do believe that parents have the responsibility to guide their children. To me, that is what The Rod in the verse from Proverbs is referring to. Shepherds use their rods to guide their sheep, not to beat them when they stray. I'm no expert on discipline. In fact, it's an area that I really struggle with in our home. I am convinced that rewards and punishments do not work in the long-term, if what I'm looking to do is to teach Cadence self-control and desire to do the right thing, not out of fear of punishment or the desire for a reward but simply because it is the right thing to do.

And yet, I understand why parents spank their kids. When you are being pushed to the limits of your sanity by a scrawny 36 inches weighing less than 30lbs, it can be so easy to just revert to how you were parented. I really think that unless we experience significant internal changes, and unless we equip ourselves with the tools to know better, we just can't help ourselves from becoming our parents. For those who were parented well, this is a blessing. For the rest of us, it's a source of frequent internal and external strife.

I didn't grow up with a lot of physical discipline. However, I do distinctly remember my mom telling me that she wanted to beat the tar out of me (loose translation from the Korean), and I never forgot that. I just hope I never say anything so hurtful to Cadence. It would be as bad as giving her a spanking, I would imagine.

I believe that there is another quote out there about how you can tell a lot about a people by the way they treat their young, their old and their sick or disabled. If there isn't, there should be. All in all, I do believe that our humanity is determined, for better or for worse, by how we treat the weakest, the most vulnerable, the frailest, the most dependent among us.

Which is why Jesus is my hero, even though a lot of the stuff that often comes packaged in Christianity drives me totally nutso. But that's another thought for another (Thurs)day.

#2—On a totally different note, will any of you respect me less if I wear gauchos? I know some folks don't have a problem with it, but others simply cannot stand them. I just can't find anything to wear to the wedding that is comfortable enough for me to move around freely so I can take photos. You see, to get some of the shots I want, I sometimes find myself in awkward positions, and I mean that in the physical realm. I've been known to do things like stand on high places, kneel or get my belly on the ground, and I don't want to be doing all that in a skirt. Gauchos provide a nice in-between. Ted doesn't like them at all, but I can't find another pair of pants that I like. And don't get me started about the top…

#3—Can I just say that I absolutely love Ted's new haircut? I made him go to art+science which is much more pricey than just a barber or Supercuts. I have to say, it's totally worth it. Best of all, he loves it too!

Cadence thinks the haircut is beautiful too. They sure make a good looking pair!

Labels: attachment.parenting, cadence, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

I'm practicing my photog skillz for Auntie Lauren's wedding, which is coming up really fast now! Here are a few of my faves from this past week:

Cadence's little friend Ada at her Dr. Seuss-themed 3rd Birthday Party. Notice her little tattoo on her arm. So cute!

Adorable little Nora at the birthday party. I like how Ada and Cadence are off in the distance, and here's little Nora chasing after them.

Here, I'm playing around on Picasa, which is a google software for organizing and editing photos. I've muted the colors every so slightly.

This one is kinda dreamy. I don't think I'd want to do too many photos like this as that would probably make me want to vomit. But a few here and there I think would be okay. I'm really not so much into the effects. I like when other people do 'em, but I like to keep things simple. Probably cuz I'm lazy.

I just like the light in this one. And I am a big fan of window seats! I always think of Jane Eyre as a little girl hiding away in one of these and reading for hours and hours during the cold winter months.

This happened to be in Ted's parent's fridge. It's almost 2 years old! There will definitely be a bunch of homebrew at the wedding after-party.

There's something about this photo that I really like. Part of it is because I think Becki is just absolutely beautiful, in a really pure, natural and wholesome way. The awesome part is that she's really this beautiful on the inside too. I know that sounds hokey, but it's true. Uncle David is so lucky that she chose him!

As you can see, Cadence is quite fond of her Aunt Becki, whom she called Aunt Duckie for the longest time. *sigh*. I kinda liked it when she called her Duckie...

Oh, all of these photos were taken w/ the 50mm f/1.8 lens on my D50. I'm thinking I'll shoot mainly w/ that lens cuz I just love the blur. So I guess it won't matter so much that my 18-55mm is broken. I have an older 35-55mm from my film camera that I can use on my D50, so I'll do that. I'll use my D40 for my 55-200mm zoom lens, mainly at the ceremony. I'm going to focus more on the reception and after-party and leave the main ceremony shooting to the pros. There is no way I'll get much more than maybe some artsy looking grainy B&W shots at the ceremony, since the church does not allow flash or planted lighting. We'll see how it goes...

Go see other folks' Best Shots Monday at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: auntie.lore, best.shots.monday, cadence, family, photography, photos, weddings

When I chose to do certain things as a parent that some folks would consider attachment parenting, I have to admit that I didn't have visions of beautiful bonding moments with my child; they were for reasons of convenience and necessity as a working mom. Breastfeeding meant I'd always have food ready to serve without needing to measure, mix or warm up. Extended breastfeeding meant I'd always have a means of calming and comforting instantaneously, not to mention being able to give Cadence—ever the Energizer bunny—the equivalent of a sleeping pill every night. Co-sleeping meant being able to nurse and comfort without having to get up or entirely waking up so that I could actually function during the day and bring home the bacon. Babywearing meant being able to do things around the house and not having to lug a stroller everywhere, the technicalities of which I never fully grasped (I am severely mechanically challenged). If these things promoted attachment between Cadence and me, well that was an added bonus.

As she grew older, however, I wondered if my laziness had set us up for disaster. I mean, would Cadence EVER stop nursing during the night, with a midnight snack just inches from her face? Would she EVER learn to put herself to sleep without the sleep-inducing hormones in a nightcap on tap from mama's boob? Would she EVER wean herself, if we let HER decide when she was ready? Would she EVER be able to sleep by herself in her own bed without a warm body next to her?

It seems to me that the answer to all these questions is YES. She has already stopped nursing during the night for the most part through no effort of my own. Sometimes she stirs, but she usually just settles herself and sleeps through the night until after I've already left for work. She has also started getting in bed and putting herself to sleep for naptimes, but only with Ted. I don't try to force her to do it with me too because I get to put her down for naps only three days a week. But at least I know that she CAN do it. She obviously hasn't weaned yet, but I know she will someday. Now that she's cut out her pre-dawn session, she only nurses twice a day as it is.

As for sleeping in her own bed, I am personally skeptical of the notion that a child should be expected to sleep alone so early in life. I remember sleeping with my grandmother while my brother slept with my parents until I was at least 5 years old. For thousands of years, humans slept together in one family bed, so I think babies are hard-wired to want to be close to a warm body, probably as a built-in safety feature. I believe that humans are highly adaptable and therefore have learned to sleep alone from infancy during the last 100 years or so (at least in the Western world). However, I don't expect this of my own child, because I know her personality. Some babies are great in their own cribs and beds from the get-go. Others can gradually become accustomed to sleeping alone. Cadence happens to fall into the camp that requires a little more coziness during the night. Maybe it's because I am away from her so much during the day. Maybe it's just how she's hardwired. At any rate, co-sleeping gives me the opportunity to be in close contact with her for at least 7 hours during the night, and although we may be asleep through most of it, in our dreamy state, we soak in each other's presence and touch, and it diminishes the sadness of being separated for 10-11 hours during the day. Of course there are nights when I just wish I could sleep unencumbered all alone in a nice big soft bed. Overall, though, it's so worth it.

Labels: attachment.parenting, cadence, cosleeping, extended.breastfeeding, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

I don't know how we got so lucky, but we've had two weekends in a row of absolutely gorgeous weather. It's like someome screwed up and programmed Chicago for Seattle's summer weather, instead of the usual 90 degrees+/80% humidity that is normally to be expected in July around here.

I'm almost afraid to write about it, lest Someone realizes the mistake and switches us back to our regularly scheduled programming. Hope you all are enjoying your summers!

Check out more Best Shots Monday at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, i.heart.seattle, i.heart.summer, photos

That's right. I've got a migraine. Hopefully the cafe au lait Ted made me, in combo w/ some pain killers, will chase it away. I think it's due to some intense studying I've been doing for a work-related exam I'm taking on Friday. If anyone has any wisdom to impart on Base Pay Structures, please send 'em my way.

So instead of sharing my deep thoughts, I am participating in Tracey's Thursday Theme, which is HEAT, something a good portion of our country has been experiencing in waves lately. Things have cooled down in our neck of the woods the past couple of days, but Sunday was a scorcher. I thought it would be a good idea to cool Cadence off with some water play. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to run out to actually buy a bonafide kiddie pool.

Luckily, we had just the right sized storage container that could do the job. It was perfect for Cadence and some of her rubber friends.

Cadence liked her "swimming pool" just fine.

There was lots of splashing going on, fer sure.

She liked it so much, in fact, that she got quite pruny.

Go see how other folks are dealling w/ the heat on Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: around.the.house, cadence, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays, thursday.theme

And I'm lovin' it! Yeah, I'm starting to actually like the D50, as long as there's lots of light and Cadence cooperates. Of course, it's just the Magic Lens (50mm f/1.8) that I'm using on it.

Here's Cadence playing All Aboard the Ducky Train with her dad's skateboard. Great. Now I have Ernie singing the Rubber Ducky Song in my head. Do you have any idea how hard it is to erase a Sesame Street voice from your head once it gets started??? I better turn on some music...

So our friends Jenn and John and their daughter Ada came over for dinner on Saturday. They live close enough to stroll over, and it's a shame that this was our first time having them for dinner, considering we've lived in our place for over 1 1/2 years now.

Cadence was so excited about Ada coming over. She asked me all day for Ada and got so cranky and impatient I finally told her to take a nap (at 4pm) and that when she woke up Ada would be here. Luckily, that's exactly what happened, or I'm sure there would've been hell to pay had Cadence awakened to no Ada.

And then after asking for Ada all day, Cadence proceeded to call her "Hay-na" (Helena) all evening. Go figure. Anyhoo, I hope we have Ada and her mom and dad over BEFORE another 1 1/2 years have elapsed.

Oh, and go see other folks' Best Shots Monday at Tracey's Picture This!

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, friends, friends.who.rock, photos

So my D50 body that I bought just for my 50mm f/1.8 lens? I think I'm finally getting used to it. It's still clunky compared to my D40. I've only taken probably less than 700 photos on it, compared to almost 9,000 on my D40, so maybe it's just a matter of practice before I'm feeling more at home with it.

I did get to do a little photoshoot with the D50 on Wednesday of my cousins Ben and Rachel's baby daughter Eden, who is now 4 months old. We went over to their place for a 4th of July BBQ. Cadence loves going to see Baby Eden. She still gets jealous when one of us holds her, but not as much as she used to. She even told Ted, as we were getting out of the car, that he could hold Baby Eden.

The more time I spend with Eden, the more I miss that itty bitty baby stage. And Eden isn't so itty bitty any more already! Ted and I were looking through some old photos last night of Cadence at around 4 months old. It's been so long since we could actually say she was chubby that I was surprised to see her chunkiness.

I know y'all are thinking we're totally gonna have another one with all this baby talk, but that's not true. Yes, Ted and I joke about it casually, with just a little hint of yearning in our voices. Would we be happy if we happened to get pregnant right now? I think so. Are we going out of our way to get pregnant? Uh, no.

Fact is, I don't know if I'll even be able to get pregnant again. My doctor had told me in my 20s that I would need fertility treatment to get pregnant. Apparently, Ted was fertility treatment enough. But now, I don't know…I've only had a few periods since Cadence was born. Yes, I'm still nursing, but only a couple times a day, and I don't think that would be enough to keep most women from ovulating again.

It may just be that Cadence is my one miracle baby and that I'll never get another chance to give birth again. I have mixed feelings about this, but you know, as much as I bitch and moan about what a handful Cadence is, she really is a totally kickass kid, and I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have the privilege of being her mama. So if it turns out that she is my only child, she's the best only I could have ever asked for, and I'm thankful for that.

Labels: baby.fever, cadence, family, i.heart.nikon, photography, photos

If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along

Just sing what you feel
Don’t let anyone say it’s wrong

When there’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)

There’s a light (white light)
Inside of you

(What Light by Wilco from their new album, Sky Blue Sky)

Labels: around.the.house, cadence, i.heart.wilco, photos

#1—I recently celebrated a semi-milestone birthday, which has forced me to contemplate my aging process. I have to say, if there's one thing my mom has done well, it's to age gracefully. At the age of 65, she still has only a few stray gray hairs here and there, and her face lacks but a few wrinkles. In the past year, I have come to grips with the fact that my hair is in fact starting to gray. This wouldn't be so bad if my hair were a lighter color, but when you've got black hair, it's really hard to miss. Just this morning, when I looked in the mirror, I was horrified to find that a few strands had gone white totally overnight. Like, how is that even possible?

Different people have different ways of dealing with their deviant strands. Me? I pluck those suckers right out of my scalp as fast as I can. Luckily, I haven't found too many so far. And yet, I know I'll have to make a decision as to what I'm gonna do about the gray once these ghost strands become too numerous for me to keep up with. The thing is, I don't want to dye my hair. My dad stopped dying his later in life, and he had a lovely head of silvery moonbeam hair. I actually wouldn't mind having that. I just hope it's not at the age of 35. Anyhoo, I don't know what to do in the interim. If I dyed my hair, I'd want to dye it a totally different color, like cobalt blue or magenta. Something tells me that wouldn't go over so well at my place of gainful employment...

#2—It seems to me that a lot of newish parents these days fret over the size of their babies and toddlers, especially if they're on the smallish side. It doesn't help that the growth charts published in every parenting book and exhibited by pediatricians across the country don't take into account factors such as whether the children were formula-fed or breastfed or the genetic makeup inherited from the parents. Cadence has been falling off the charts weight-wise for some time now, and if it weren't for those pesky charts, I probably wouldn't stress out so much over her eating habits. The fact is, she's happy, playful, strong and active. If you look at her, the word "malnourished" would never enter your mind. Still, I wish she'd eat actual meals more than a couple times a week.

Speaking of small, I finally got to meet my friends Zarah and Felix's newborn son Asher yesterday. He is tiny at just over 5lbs (after losing some of his birthweight like all newborns) but is just about the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Granted, I only saw him while he was slumbering, but I'm sure he's just as beautiful awake. I absolutely love the way newborns look and smell and feel in your arms. Even my cousin's Baby Eden, who's now a whopping 4 months old, feels so small and light compared to Cadence, who herself is still light enough to carry with one arm.

*Sigh*. Here's a photo of Cadence from the archives, when she was really little. Can you tell I have just an eensy-teensie bit of baby fever? I'll get over it soon enough, though, before it's too late. Although this would be the perfect time for me to get pregnant…My work usually slows down for mid-spring/early summer, which would be just around 40 weeks from now. Hmmm…

Alright, moving right along...

#3—I know that my affinity for used/vintage clothing is obvious in the way I dress Cadence. Well, what's even better than used/vintage is used/vintage hand-me-downs from people I love. That's exactly what Cadence is wearing in this photo. The shirt and shorts were her Auntie Lauren's way back in the 80's. Ted's mom made the shorts, and she spruced up the shirt with the lace/ribbon trim.

I wish my mom had kept some of my clothes from girlhood. There was this one Snoopy shirt which I can guarantee never existed in the U.S. And then there was that white dress with the floral apron that I absolutely adored. I guess we could only take so much on the plane when we moved here from Korea, but still...It apparently never occurred to my mom to save any of my stuff, even my hanboks. She expressed surprise that Ted's mom had kept Lauren's clothese all these years. This is coming from someone who saved every one of my report cards from grammar school. Oh well.

Labels: about.me, auntie.lore, baby.fever, cadence, family, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

It's true. I love this dress, and on so many levels. I love that it's not pink.

I love the fact that it's old and used and that some one loved this dress so much that they lengthened it so their kid could wear it just a little longer.

I love the details, like the ruffles and the smocking.

I love how comfortable Cadence looks in it.

And I love it for this photo alone.

Go see other folks' Best Shots Monday at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

#1—I've been wondering how the digital age will affect the long-term memories of the babies and children of today. Take Cadence, for example. She's had just about every few days documented for her since birth, and that's pretty lazy on my part compared to some of my more dedicated photog friends who document their kids every day. Does this mean that she and her friends w/ equally photo fanatic parents will retain MORE long-term memories when they are older than we in the older generation have managed to do thus far?

I've mentioned my own loss of memories before, and I can't help thinking that if my parents had taken more photographs as I was growing up, or if I had taken up photography seriously as a kid rather than after grad school that I'd remember so much more. Like how many snapshots from their everyday life growing up do most people my age own? Maybe a bunch of baby photos—the new born shot, the embarrassing naked bath shot (which my mother dug up for my mixed-company 14th birthday party), messy eating shot, first step shot, etc.—and a few at holidays and birthdays until one reached the age of bershon, at which point our parents gave up trying to take our photos or they stopped being interested in preserving the moment for posterity, considering the cost of film and processing.

Aside from these pictorial cues, we are dependent on our diaries, school records, and our memories, which over time become like the shifting sand--changing details here, covering up entire segments there, uncovering little tidbits here, washing away portions there.

But I'm not talking about aging folk like myself. I'm talking about the kids that will have so many special and mundane moments preserved for them that they could quite possibly remember everything. What will happen then? Will their brains explode? Or will the human brain adapt to this sudden increase in use of hard drive space? Will it affect other brain functions? Will there be less forgiveness if there's less forgetting?

One of my favorite documentary series is the UP Series, which follows a group of British youth every seven years from the time they are 7 in 1964 up to the present, the most recent being 49 Up just released a couple years ago. Ted and I watched the entire series over a few days, and it was quite fascinating to watch these kids grow up literally before your very eyes.

With blogs and online photo communities like Flickr, that's kind of what we're doing now with each others' kids and lives. I've been on Flickr since Cadence was 7 months old, and I've watched so many other kids her age or a little older or younger grow into toddlerhood with her. I wonder what these kids will think about all this when they're older. I've heard of a columnist for a newspaper who often wrote about her family being asked by her son to stop writing about him because he was tired of total strangers coming up to him and acting like they knew him because they followed his mom's column. Will Cadence feel the same way? I guess I'll have to ask her one of these days…I don't know what I'd blog about if not her, so that may be the end of my online life then.

#2—Speaking of blogs, I've been really busy lately and feel like I'm not spending enough time reading up and commenting on you peoples' blogs. I'm actually doing more reading than commenting, so I am TRYING to keep up. I wish we could get together at a local coffee shop and just chat face to face. Yes, I realize I type much better than I chat (I suck at the chat, actually), but I feel the need for real and tangible relationships. Not that online relationships are not real—some of them have been the most rewarding and helpful to me. I guess what I'm trying to say (really badly, I might add) is that all you folks who come visit over here mean a lot to me, and I'm grateful for your friendship and I WISH y'all just lived in my neighborhood so we could hang out (and you could babysit Cadence once in awhile since y'all think she's so cute). So here. This is a virtual hug from me to you: <= =>

(Lori, can't wait to see you next weekend!)

#3—I think I may have to go out and find me some paht-bingsoo this weekend. That would be the perfect way to start the summer off right! If any of you Chicagoans are interested, let's meet up at Outdoor Café on Bryn Mawr!

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, cadence, digital.age, random.photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1— This has been a beautiful week weatherwise in Chicago (although we could use some rain soon, I'm sure). We live about a mile from the lake, and I've been there with Cadence a few times this past week. I was reminded again just how beautiful it is to live by a big body of water like Lake Michigan. I know I rave about summers in Seattle, but when you think about it, summers in Chicago are pretty damn nice too.

I know that we don't live by the BIGGEST of the Great Lakes, but it still looks like an ocean to me. You can't help but be filled with a sense of awe while looking out on the vast waters beneath a huge endless sky. I just don't get tired of this. Ever.

#2—Something I wonder and worry about every 3 days or so is where, when and how to send Cadence to school. Ted and I have seriously considered homeschooling, cuz let's face it—Chicago Public Schools are not exactly stellar. But lately, Cadence has shown an interest in going to school. She's run into kids from a nearby preschool at a local playground, and she really seems to want to be a part of that whole scene. I guess playing with an entire group of people her own size is more appealing than same old boring mom and dad. So I guess we are open to the idea of sending her to school. Lord knows Ted could probably use the break. And now we have to ask ourselves when we think a good time would be to enroll her. And considering most schools require that you apply a good 6-9 months in advance, we may need to decide WHERE to send her sooner than we'd like.

Part of it will depend on the luck of the draw, literally, as I hear the best public schools in the city have a pretty competitive lottery system of admission. I've thought about packing up the family and moving into the neighborhood of certain schools so that we'd have a better chance of getting in. But I'd hate to go through all that trouble and end up not getting in at all.

I feel like so much of public education in the last decade has focused a ridiculous amount of time on testing, which I think is stupid and a waste of taxpayer dollars. I was surprised to find that an increasing number of schools have done away with recess. I don’t want Cadence to be stuck in a learning environment where she's forced to fill in an endless array of bubbles with a #2 pencil day after day. That's not what I call learning. That's what I call mind-numbing, brain-cell-annihilating exercise in futility.

#3—Lately, I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a large family. I'm actually a big supporter of folks who choose to have only one child. In the U.S., having just one kid has the environmental impact of having maybe 30 kids or more in certain parts of the developing world. This is something I actually have thought about a lot. On the other hand, I've ALWAYS wanted to be in a big family, and I really enjoy the dynamics among Ted and his siblings. Cadence is such a social kid that I think she's really going to give us a hard time if we don't provide her with some siblings. Now don't jump to the conclusion that Ted and I are gonna get busy for a #2 anytime soon. Adding another family member would be a significant change to the current family environment, and we need to think about this more. I know some of you are laughing at me, but dude…Cadence is a flippin' handful…A very cute, sweet and charming handful, but still…Maybe what she needs is a lot of cousins…

Labels: cadence, family, photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

I'm actually going to post something short and sweet cuz it's actually been pretty busy at Chez Moi. This is Cadence sitting in Giddings Plaza in Lincoln Square. I just love her blouse, which I think I got for like a dollar at the thrift store. Or was it eBay? The pants are definitely eBay.

So the one week I post just one, would you believe Tracey bends her own totally unenforced and unwritten rule and posts three?! Go check out every one's Best Shot(s) Monday at Tracey's Picture This!

And stay tuned for more rock 'n' roll! Chamber Strings! Baby Teeth! I got 'em!

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos, this.busy.life

#1—I've been missing the Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle lately. Maybe it's the whole turning 35 thing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Whatever the reason, I've determined to start going to more shows. Granted, if I get to see 3 shows in a year, that would qualify as MORE, but I was thinking more along the lines of at least twice a month. Holy shit. That sounds like a lot.

Anyhoo, I've got this lovely new camera that I'm dying to use on Chicago's best-lit venues, so who better to call upon than my dear friends Derek Becker of Satellite Booking and the Detholz! It just so happens that the 'Holz are headlining the I-Go Audio Emissions CD Release Party at the Metro tonight. I asked Derek if I could get a media pass so I could shoot photos, and he was nice enough to put me on the guestlist AND get me a media pass! The Metro happens to have my favorite lights in the city, so I'm really excited about the show tonight. And my friend Miss Mia of Chic-a-go-go is hosting the show, so I hope she tells all the tall folks to get the hell out of my way! Stay tuned for the photos…

#2—Speaking of the Detholz! show, I am hopefully going to get to meet someone at the show whose blog (erg, actually her Myspace page) I've been lurking on for a few months, and who it turns out has also been lurking on my blog! HA HA! That gets me a-thinkin' about the power of the Internet to establish relationships between folks who would otherwise be too shy to express their mutual admiration for one another in person. It also shows how the Internet brings out the inner stalker in all of us. I totally admit to that one.

#3—Cadence is growing up so fast. No, really. It's become more noticeable in just the past week or so. She's actually occasionally rational now. I can say to her, "We can't eat cookies for breakfast, but you can have an apple or an apricot," and she'll actually choose one of the latter two without argument 5% of the time. Or when I come home and she demands a nursing session right away, I can now say to her, "We'll do ma-ma-ma (her word for nursing) after I pee and change into something more comfortable (e.g., sans bra), and she'll actually say, "Okay."

Then again, she did have that screaming session yesterday evening about something I can't even remember, and I had to plug my ears or totally seriously risk hearing loss. It was flippin' loud, folks. I don't see how she's not deaf herself.

But still, overall I'm noticing that when I can't give her what she wants, as long as I get down on her level and give her some sort of explanation in a gentle, empathic voice, she'll resort to screaming in retaliation much less than she used to.

She's also beginning to understand aspects of the bigger world outside our little family. It kind of shocked me the other day when we were talking about church, and she tilts her head, nodding it up and down, and says, "Blbublaubl God? Blbublaubl Eesus?" Wow. So she knows that going to church has something to do with God and Jesus. Up to this point, she always associated church with Rudden (her best friend and baby love) and her other friends. And Matt the pianist whom we pick up every Sunday.

And then when we were at my cousin's house on Tuesday night, Baby Eden was propped up on her boppy while we were eating, and she started crying. Cadence was next to her, and looking really concerned, she says to me, "Blbublaubl wanna ah-zhoo!" No, she wasn't sneezing. Ah'-zhoo is her word for "be held." She knew that the baby wanted to be held and was alerting us to that fact.

So yeah, she's becoming spiritual AND compassionate. Totally growing up so fast.

Labels: cadence, friends.rock, friends.who.rock, live.music, motherhood, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

Although I have found an excellent thrift store nearby for awesome kids' clothes at dirt cheap prices, I did recently get a couple of cool vintage stuff off ebay for pretty cheap.

This is a dress probably from the 60's. I absolutely love the print. Yeah, it looks like it was made from drapes or something, but that's even cooler cuz Cadence ADORES the Sound of Music.

The other ebay find is this vintage cycling shirt, which was perfect for our first family bike ride on Sunday. Doesn't Cadence look spiffy in her helmet?

And here they are, riding away. For the record, that strap should be under her leg better, but we weren't going far, so no biggie. I'm not sure if we would be ticketed for riding like this. I don't know what the bike rules are in the city. However, I CAN say that this is probably safer than using a childseat, which usually throws the balance off on a bike.

I really like this shirt. She looks great whether she's riding a bike or eating an apricot. I'm going to try and get all my 2nd hand clothes locally now, but I'm glad I found this one and the dress up there.

Visit Tracey at Picture This for other folks' Best Shots Monday.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

I suppose it's silly pointing out the fact that a photo of Cadence is on another website, considering I've been plastering such photos all over this one since before she was even born.

But still. Humor a proud, silly mama, will ya? You see, Cadence and her playroom were featured as a Flickr Find on Apartment Therapy: The Nursery. Thanks, Alex!

Labels: around.the.house, cadence, friends.rock, friends.who.rock

So Tracey's theme for this week at Picture This is Diagonal Week. That's awesome, cuz I just rediscovered my inner crooked thanks to The Antibride, and it's added new freedom to my shooting.

I shot this series of Cadence singing and dancing yesterday afternoon. It's actually best seen in the slideshow version here. Just click the next button quickly, and you'll see Cadence perform her little dance. Cue the Do-Re-Mi song from the Sound of Music, and that's what the movie version would've been like.

Believe you me, having a DSLR makes a huge difference when it comes to shooting rapid shots.

It's like, holy cow! I hold down the shutter button, and *click*! Instant photo!

I love how she's looking over at me on this one.

And if you're wondering about the muted colors, it's because I screwed up the lighting and since I don't have Photoshop, this was the best I could do without turning Cadence into looking like a botched Self-Tanning job.

Here's one with a little more color. Taken in lovely Morton Grove, IL.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

I would like to officially dispell any myths that may have mysteriously formed in the universe regarding my skills and qualifications for parenthood. I have read a number of good and not-so-good books on parenting since being drafted into this adventure. I continue to refer many of my friends and acquaintances and random strangers to some of these resources, because really, when you think about it, I should've been a research librarian. Nothing gives me greater joy than a thorough google search. However, keen aptitude on google does not a competent parent make.

Lately, Cadence has pushed me to the unchartered hinterlands of my sanity with her Endless!Boundless!Explosions! of Energy! This girl can go!Go!GO! like you wouldn't believe. I think she thoroughly wore out my La Leche League leader's 12 year old daughter at the family picnic last night. Laurel (the 12 year old) told me with total pre-teen seriousness that Cadence could outrun her if she wants to.

To add to the exhaustion, this week she has begun engaging in reckless behavior, such as hanging from the monkey bars 7' off the ground while I'm nowhere near her. Now we have to stick to her like white (or brown, depending on what you prefer) on rice to prevent her from breaking her little neck.

And then there are those times when she insists on taking a 2 hour walk at 7 in the morning. She'll lollygag with the earthworm, thoroughly fascinated by its creeping and crawling.

And of course, she'll have to look for every puddle in every alley and street and pothole on our route for the sheer pleasure of getting her boots wet. And she'll have to jump in each one twice or three times and sometimes four.

Why is it that when she's running around like the Tasmanian Devil, I wish I could contain that energy of hers and make her sit still, but when she lazily meanders through the neighborhood, stopping to smell the figurative roses that I wish she'd pick up the pace? Why can't I just be content to be in the moment with my totally amazing and delightful and awe-filled and joy-filled kid?

*Sigh*...So much to learn...

Labels: cadence, lessons.learned.again, parenting, photos

I am so behind on posts around here, and with the new camera I've got so many new photos that I think I've buried myself real good this time. Anyhoo, I don't have much time so here are some photos from the past week that I really like. And a lot of them have nothing to do with Cadence! (Nothing personal, of course.)

I took this photo after running out to the lake to take photos of a pretty full moon. I threw out all the photos of the moon but got a drive-by of this sign. It's a coffeeshop/diner on Grandville, right by Metropolis.

This is at the Dutch Village in Holland, MI. I just love how Cadence is running away here. Try to imagine this with a high-C-two-octaves-above-middle-C squeal of a toddler as the soundtrack.

Also at the Dutch Village. Red wooden clogs. Need I say more? Funny thing is, I was wearing my red crocs when I took this photo. Of course, I wasn't thinking so I have no photographic evidence.

I hope Ted doesn't kill me for posting a photo with his chest hair, but I really liked this one. And I risked water damage on my brand new camera to get it (I was very, very careful). It is inspired by this much better photo of a much cuter subject (sorry, honey) by the talentedJeanette LeBlanc.

This was in our hotel room. There really was no view except of the Howard Johnson across the alley, but oh well. It's black and white cuz I couldn't figure out the color. I don't have Photoshop, ya know.

We had the pleasure of hanging out with Lori and her son Devin on Sunday. I think Cadence has finally found another toddler who can keep up with her. My favorite photo of Cadence this weekend was actually taken by Lori, which you can see over here on her flickr page.

See other folk's Best Shot Monday posts on Tracey's site.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos, vacation

I was a bit rushed in yesterday's post, and I'd like to explain myself a little better. Ted and I had an eye-opening experience at a party a little over a month ago. It was a birthday party for Aunt Becki, Dave's fiancé. Most of the guests at the party were her classmates from grad school, so Cadence was the only kid. Everyone was super nice to her and kept saying over and over again just "how cute!" she was or "how beautiful!" or "how adorable!" It's not so much that we don't agree with those statements, but hearing it over and over again at that party made us wonder whether Cadence was internalizing this and if so, what effect that would have on her self-image and where she derives her sense of self-worth in the long run.

Ted shared with me his own experience of growing up and hearing over and over from his (mainly female) relatives that he was so handsome or so cute, and how that made him feel self-conscious and damaged his self-esteem. You would think that kids would like hearing that they're good-looking, but I think when that's ALL a kid hears, they may start questioning whether that's all they're good for, and I believe that Ted may have experienced that to a certain degree. Also, I think that the research on the negative effects of praise and rewards would back me up on this.

I don't think that it's wrong to dress up your kid in cute outfits or to enjoy hearing people compliment them on their looks. What I don't want to do, however, is to just sit on the sidelines and let Cadence be enticed by a society that places so much emphasis on external beauty with standards so brutal that the average jane can only get depressed after 5 minutes of thumbing through one issue of Seventeen. I don't want Cadence to grow up needing external praise from other people to feel good about herself. I don't want Cadence to be conditioned to value other people based on THEIR external appearances alone. Instead, my hope is that she will see the beauty in herself and in others in characteristics such as compassion, kindness, generosity, justice, courage, honesty, simplicity and humor, and that she will be motivated by an internal sense of what is right and good and just, and not be a slave to external praise or criticism.

Labels: cadence, parenting, photos

I know that as the parent of a girl, one big temptation is to dress your daughter up as if she's your personal doll 24/7. Just walk into any Baby Gap or Old Navy, and you'll see that the options for girls are so much more enticing than for boys. I've recently become acutely aware of many people paying attention only to Cadence's outward appearance. I guess it's only natural, since most folks think that parents always want to hear how cute their kid is. And of course I enjoy hearing these kinds of compliments; I wouldn't be plastering the internet with her photos if I didn't. At the same time, though, I also don't want Cadence to grow up thinking that the most important thing in life is for her to look "cute" or "pretty" or that her main value as a girl or woman is to look good for other people.

Fact is, Cadence is about as active and playful and rambunctious as any boy her age I've seen. I was raised in a family that believed that girls should be quiet and gentle and that they don't grow up to be certain things, like, say, a photographer for National Geographic. I don't want to place those kinds of limits on Cadence.

I admit that sometimes it's really hard to let Cadence pick her own outfit, when I'd really like to take her out and about in that adorable dress, but she's rather run and jump and climb in a flannel shirt and jeans.

And even when she DOES wear something a bit more on the girly side, I hope she'll always be comfortable enough in her own skin to just be her goofy, lovely self.

Labels: cadence, parenting, photos

We're not much about fashion in our household, but we did have some fun this weekend with some funky sunglasses and an outfit I absolutely adore. I don't have much time to elaborate, as I'm on a vacation day and we've got stuff to do, so I'll just post my favorite photos from this weekend.

My favorite smile of the weekend. I like how she's looking off to the side and not directly into the camera.

And here is my favorite outfit ever. The t-shirt was a thrift store find that I absolutely adore. I wish I could get away with wearing Baby Legs and a pleated denim mini-skirt.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, family, photos

Every Easter since Cadence was born (actually, since Ted and I have been together), we go to Ted's parents' house for Easter dinner. Cadence seems to have developed a little tradition of her own.

Here she is playing Grandma & Grandpa's piano on her very first Easter. Does she not look like a natural?

Here she is at last year's Easter dinner tickling the ivories again. A little more hair this year--enough to warrant a barrette (barely).

And here she is at this year's Easter dinner, getting ready to carry on her yearly Easter performance. This year, she has enough hair for PIGTAILS, not juste a barrette.

She's also able to climb onto the piano bench all by herself now. Not to mention, she looks HUGE compared to the previous two years.

Just take a look at those dangling legs! She looks like she's big enough for piano lessons (not gonna happen). Well, if she keeps practicing her little Schoenhut, maybe she'll have a big piano someday. But probably not one as big as the one at Grandma & Grandpas. Unless she plans on sleeping underneath it every night. Excuse the fragments please.

Well, being big enough to get on the piano bench by herself also means she doesn't have to stay on there helpless while her mama takes endless photos of her. Oh well.

Go see other folks' Best Shot Monday here.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, family.tradition, photos

i come home from work just an hour later than usual, and this is the state i find my daughter in...

Labels: cadence, ha.ha.ha., photos

I'm emerging from a very busy weekend, and I can't get my brain to produce a coherent post because I'm still somewhat discombobulated. I think I'll have to resort to bullet points.

Saturday

* Cadence and I took the Metra to our church for the Fair Trade Market. Berry (our church) is a member of the Chicago Committee on Fair Trade, and we host one of these markets at least a couple times a year. Most of the folks volunteering at the booths were folks we know from church, so I felt comfortable letting Cadence just roam around while I shopped and visited with folks. To me, that's a clear sign that I'm feeling more at home at Berry.

* We took the Lawrence bus and Clark bus back home. Luckily, I had brought a sling, and Cadence fell asleep snuggled against my chest while we were waiting for the bus. This is the 3rd weekend in a row that Cadence and I have taken public transportation, and while I was standing on the corner of Lawrence and Clark, holding Cadence close to me, I thought about how meditative the act of waiting for a bus or train can be. You get to see the world around you, standing in one spot, letting it soak in, as opposed to zooming by a blur at XX mph. It's been liberating to not feel confined to our home just because I don't have the car on Saturdays. There are so many places we can go, and it all starts with a 2 minute walk to our bus stop.

* Saturday evening, Ted, his brother Dave, Cadence and I attended a potluck/presentation at church with our Community Supported Agriculture provider. CSA links local farmers with consumers who can buy subscriptions for a delivery of fresh, in-season produce on a weekly basis. This provides the farmers with a somewhat reliable source of income, and it gives the people in the communities a chance to develop a relationship with the people who grow their food. Tony Ends, the owner of Scotch Hill Farm and Executive Director for the organization Churches' Center for Land and People (CCLP), talked to us about the philosophy and practices behind CSA. He is an articulate, passionate speaker, and we were all moved by what he had to say. Ted, Dave, Dave's fiancé Becki and I are going to share a CSA subscription this summer. We hope the weekly delivery of fresh produce, grown with so much respect for the earth and for humanity, will encourage us to cook meals together with that food and increase the community amongst ourselves.

Sunday

* My new friend Holly visited our church with her breathtakingly beautiful almost-2-year-old daughter Helena. If I told you all the coinkidinks that tie Holly and me together, you would freak out. Go read her blog. She is awesome.

* Ted and Dave painted our living room all day Sunday. I rewarded them by taking them out to Gruppo di Amici, a relatively new Italian restaurant that specializes in Roman-style pizzas cooked in a woodburning oven. As soon as I told Ted about their $3 draft beer Sunday special, he was sold. The restaurant is in the newly revitalizing Jarvis district, right off the Jarvis stop of the Red line in Rogers Park. It ain't no hole in the wall, either. The owners definitely spent money on decorating this joint. Still, the waitstaff were friendly, and we got no dirty looks when we walked in with Cadence in tow.

They only have two beers on tap, but we discovered that they only stock fine quality craft beers. When Ted found that out, I knew we'd be back on many a future Sunday. Anyhoo, on this particular evening, they had the Tripel Karmeliet and Veltins Pilsner on tap. Ted ordered the first one, and when I saw the beautiful creamy head in the gorgeous goblet they served it in, I had to have a taste. One little mouthful, and I was totally hooked. This was the yummiest beer I had ever laid my lips on! It was so smooth, more like a dreamsicle. I immediately called over the waiter and ordered my own goblet. Unfortunately, they'll be replacing this beer before next Sunday, so next time I'll have to pay full price ($7)at the Hopleaf to get it on tap. If you like Two Brother's Cane and Ebel, that's the next beer that will replace the Tripel Karmeliet on tap @ Gruppo di Amici. I highly recommend going there on Sundays for their $3 draft beer special. Plus the food was yummy! A little on the expensive side, but overall a lovely experience. It also really helped that Cadence was happy as a clam eating ice cubes the whole time.

Monday

* I took a vacation day Monday because I happen to follow the weather, and I found out it would be the only warm and sunny day of the week. We took Cadence and her little buddy Rudden to Brookfield Zoo, where we have a membership. Rudden's parents Brendan and Amy are friends of ours from church.

I remembered from our previous visit that you could rent those plastic wagons at the zoo, and so rather than lug two toddlers in and out of strollers, we opted for the wagon. It turned out to be one of my smarter decisions in life. The kids loved riding in the wagon, which meant a) we only had to pull one vehicle at a time; b) we didn't have to constantly chase down two toddlers to put them back in strollers; c) we had a place to put our stuff; d)it was easy to take the kids in and out of the wagon without fussing w/ buckles.

Cadence also enjoyed pulling the wagon. Yeah, she may look scrawny, but don't let her size fool you. It's all pure muscle.

Don't get me wrong--we didn't keep them totally confined to the wagon. They got plenty of chances to run and hop and jump and climb and basically be two-and-a-half year olds.

It was so cute when they both fell asleep in their car seats on the way back home. All in all, it was a lovely outing. Seeing Cadence interact with Rudden gives us a peek at what it would be like if she had a sibling. They are good enough friends that they can fight and then laugh within the same minute. It's actually quite fascinating.

Labels: beer, cadence, family, friends, photos, this.busy.life

...well, it looks like if it weren't for tracey's Best Shot Mondays, i wouldn't ever get around to posting anything any more. anyhoo, this one's one of my faves from the past week.

...winter seems like it can't make up its mind about chicago--'should i stay or should i go now?' seems to be the theme song lately. we had a couple warm days last week, which we took advantage of. then it was back down to the 30s. and maybe today it will get back into the 50s. you really have to check the weather forecast if you don't want to be caught freezing your ass off or sweating like a pig.

...i have to say that i'm really digging the fact that cadence's hair is long enough to put in ponytails pigtails. for the longest time, she resisted having anything done to her hair, even though she looked like she was going for a cousin itt look. now that she'll tolerate her hair being pulled back in a barette and ponytails pigtails, i think she realizes how much more comfortable it is to not have stray strands poking her in the eye all the time.

...now that she's not so bald any more, she's looking more like a kid and less and less like a baby or even a toddler. she amazes me all the time by her capacity to learn new things. she's like this big adorable sponge right now, and i feel like i'm short of breath trying to keep up with her...

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, photos

from the folks who brought you the blue sharpie installation, we are happy to announce the latest artistic endeavors of our very own cadence joy. this one is called The Instant Espresso Installation.

Labels: art.by.cadence, cadence

...so i guess this photo would explain why she's been studying elvish!

after that serious post from yesterday, i thought i'd lighten things up a bit. yes, parenting is hard work blah blah blah, but when we start becoming the parents we want to be, we can really EJOY PARENTING. and to go along with that, i've got a new website i just found called just that:

enjoy parenting with scott noelle

i highly recommend signing up for his daily groove, which is his almost daily inspirational notes on parenting.

...we had one of those nice mornings with cadence today. i had the day off for president's day (thank you, george washington!), so we went out for breakfast at pauline's in andersonville. it's a breakfast/brunch joint that we've driven by every sunday on our way to church for over a year, and we finally got to give them a try today.

...i have to admit that i'm usually not up for going out to eat with cadence because it can be so stressful when she starts screaming and wanting to wander around. this morning, though, she made no complaints when we put her in her high chair, and happily played with the little individual jelly containers by stacking them like blocks or making different shapes with them, and proudly declaring 'square!' or 'ing-ingle!' she cleaned her plate, which is unusual, and everytime she got a forkful of blueberry pancake w/ strawberry jelly into her mouth, she would lean over at me and proclaim, 'i did it!' she only fussed a little bit towards the end as we were leaving and had to put away her toys, but overall we had a lovely time. it's days like this that make it all worth it...

Labels: cadence, parenting

...i realize that my virtual self has been a bit reticent lately, whether it's on this blog, or on flickr or on my friends' blogs. it's really not because i don't have anything to say. on the contrary, it's almost as if my heart is too full for me to even KNOW what i want to say. well, let me try and get some of this out before it's gone...

when my morning sickness began the night of valentines day 2004 at the detholz! show, i had no idea that my life could be turned upside down by such a tiny little creature. parenting has definitely changed me, and it continues to change me. the past few weeks have been especially mindbending for me, as i have begun a new journey in parenting, a total paradigm shift in the way i view parenting and children in general.

...i guess it all began with reading Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott. here was a book that sought to understand children with compassion and without judgement and to communicate true empathy. i see so many parents these days who just want their kids to behave and do as they are told, especially when they are in public where other people may see and judge their parenting skills. parents can be so mean to their kids, so disrespectful, so belittling. this is something i am guilty of too. how many times have i cringed and blushed when cadence would scream bloody murder at church or at a store or among extended family? instead of thinking of her unmet needs that were causing her to act out, i just wanted her to be quiet and stop embarrassing me. how many times have i dismissed her cries and demands at home, attributing them to the inevitability of being 2 years old? how many times have i flat out ignored her from sheer exhaustion or pure laziness? too many times...

the real kicker this past month was when my friend michele gave me the DVD of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting lecture, based on his book of the same title. ted and i watched it together, and it pretty much turned our thoughts on parenting upside down. i have since read the book as well, and it simultaneously pierced my heart and gave me hope for the future of our family. instead of summarizing it myself, i'm going to quote from alfie kohn's website:

Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

the really painful thing about reading this book was realizing how badly i was parented myself. sure, my parents tried to make amends when i was older, but the damage was already done. a lot of the really messed up shit had to do with growing up in a cult. i still remember having to line up w/ the other cult kids in the cult leader's office to show him our report card every quarter. i remember watching my brother give my parents grief and thinking that i could never let them know when i was breaking the rules because a) i didn't want to disappoint my parents and b) i didn't want to get punished. let's just say that my mom thought i was at the library every day after school throughout high school...

needless to say, i don't want cadence to have to pretend to be studying at the library everyday because she's afraid of telling me what she's really up to. i don't want her to make ethical or moral decisions based on whether or not she'll get caught or punished or rewarded or praised. and even if that may seem like in the distant future, i have to remember that even now, at just almost 2.5 years old, cadence is her own self. she knows what she likes and doesn't like. she has needs that are as totally valid and significant as the needs of myself or any other adult.

although children sometimes scream loud enough to cause hearing damage, and although they sometimes seem unbelievably strong when they are hitting us or throwing things or wrestling away from us, we have to remember that children are in fact smaller and weaker and have very little voice in our society. when a child cries or throws a tantrum and the parent ignores them because 'they're just trying to get attention,' and the parent doesn't want to spoil them by responding to them when they're acting like this, the parent forgets that the child's need for attention IS A VALID NEED.

anyhoo, it's kinda overwhelming when i envision the type of parent i want to be and the type that i've been, but i have hope that i won't repeat the cyle of dysfunction or negative parenting that has been a part of my personal history. ted and i don't want to just wing it as parents. it's hard work to treat such a demanding, persistent personality like cadence with respect and gentleness, and of course we're going to come up short time and time again. and yet kids can be so forgiving when they see that we really ARE trying and when we admit to them our own weaknesses.

for any parents out there or anyone thinking of becoming parents or anyone wondering how maybe you were impacted by your parents' treatment of you and/or your siblings or anyone involved in anything w/ children (childcare, teaching, sunday school etc), i highly recommend Unconditional Parenting, either the book or the DVD.

here are also some other books and websites that have been really helpful to me in my quest to become a compassionate and respectful parent/spouse/person:

between parent and child by haim ginott
how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by adele faber and elaine mazlish
becoming the parent you want to be by laura davis and janis keyser
adventures in gentle discipline by hilary flower
the natural child: parenting from the heart by jan hunt
smart love by martha heinemann pieper and william j. pieper
mothering magazine
mama toto (baby wearing)
magical childhood
empathic discipline (the site of parenting coach lisa stroyan)

Labels: cadence, parenting

...our little cadence is turning into a regular bookworm. here she is, just barely getting a grasp of the english language and she's already moving on to teaching herself some elvish.

Labels: cadence

...a couple weeks or so ago, i took a whole bunch of grainy, high-ISO casual shots of cadence with the LCD flipped around so she could see herself as i was shooting. there wasn't much i could do w/ those shots, but some of her faces in them were so priceless, i decided to turn them into a strip like you'd get at a photobooth.

Labels: cadence

well, it sure has been quiet around here, hasn't it? i wish i could say that no news is good news, but i've actually been too tired and burned out to post here. work was really busy for a while (as it usually is this time of year) and for a couple weeks, i actually had to go in all 5 days instead of working from home on wednesdays. thank goodness that craziness is over. and now we have three big weekends in a row coming up, one of which is hosting a massive super bowl tea party. yes, you read that right. super bowl TEA party.

it was supposed to be just a TEA party for some old friends of mine from my evanston vineyard days. we're all parents or soon-to-be parents now, and i organized a reunion at my place scheduled for sunday feb. 4th. it never occurred to me that the super bowl would be that very afternoon. this was quite vexing as we don't have an antenna for our TV and it had taken months to schedule a date that most of us could get together. i didn't want to cancel the party, but when the bears ended up winning the NFC title, i felt obligated to give my guests a chance to withdraw their acceptance of the invitation to the tea party, since based on the bears' record, chicago couldn't expect to participate in another super bowl until our kids are of legal drinking age. fortunately, my friends candy and eric offered to bring their bunny ears so that we could watch the game. i think it's because they're colts fans (they grew up in evansville, IN) that they really don't want to miss the game, esp. when they have the chance to tease a bunch of bears fans.

so now my tea party is going to be a SUPER BOWL tea party. who knows. maybe the bunny ears won't work and all the football fans will scurry home early.

...in addition to work and planning parties, cadence has been a major pain in the behind lately. i hear that kids often get this way at her age. maybe their brains are developing so fast that it drives them bonkers. she's just been a bit of a beeyatch, and i can tell it's taking a toll on us. the other night, ted was going out w/ his bro, and he looked at me and asked if i was okay with him going out. i told him it was fine, but i couldn't guarantee i wouldn't kill the little bugger before he got back.

of course, this little 'spririted' phase just HAD to coincide with my finishing haim ginott's classic parenting book Between Parent and Child, which i highly recommend to anybody in a relationship of any type with another human being. some of the ideas in the book may seem oversimplistic, but overall, i really got a lot out of it, not just for my parenting skills, but in relating to ted and even people at work.

anyhoo, in case i've ever made it seem like i absolutely ADORE being a parent and having cadence for a daughter ALL the time like 24/7 and how could i POSSIBLY have been happy before her birth…well, think again. sometimes, i just want to grab my camera, buy a pack of american spirits and head on over to the empty bottle like the good old days…

Labels: cadence, parenting, this.busy.life

...in case you were worried that cadence was merely about foofy pink tutus and cutesy poses, she is much more than that.

...cadence appreciates the simple pleasure of a lazy afternoon spent reading on the sofa...

...and she seems to have inherited her mother's affinity for the chicago reader, which she enjoys especially at local cafes like metropolis or the grind, which is where she is in this photo taken by teddy. so rest assured that she has a serious brainy side too. granted, it is the brain of a 2 year old, but still...just so you know, she's not all fluff.

Labels: cadence

...of being CADENCE, that is...ah yes, there she is in all her pinkness. this is the tutu from aunt ali and uncle charles. i hear it is essential to every little girl's wardrobe.

...and this is the photo that went out with our christmas cards. i think it's probably one of my favorite photos of her ever. she's looking less and less like a baby. *sigh*...

Labels: cadence, photos

...not quite what i had in mind for getting TAGGED, but it seems we have a budding tag artist on our hands.

so it all went down this morning. ted was home sick in bed. i was in the bathroom getting ready to go out to meet my cousins kris and rachel for breakfast, and cadence...well...she was busy too...it's totally my fault for leaving the sharpie where cadence could reach it. (i have to keep in mind that she's in the 89th percentile for height.) when she ran into the bathroom with a blue face and blue hands, i thought that was the worst of it. i nearly fainted when i went out into the dining room. she had drawn a MURAL on one of our dining room benches as well as on the floor of her playroom, and there were few toys within her reach that escaped becoming her doodle pad.

of course, this all happened 20 minutes before i was supposed to meet my cousins at the restaurant...oh, JOY...CADENCE JOY...

Labels: art.by.cadence, cadence

...sometimes, when you have a feeling you should do something, you should take that as a warning and go ahead and do it. case in point, just last week, i had the feeling that we should remove the lock from our bathroom door before cadence locks herself in there. that thought went in one brain cell and out another (such is the plight of a working mom who has no interest in being an ALPHA working mom). well, sure enough, we had some of my high school friends over last night, and while all the grownups were busy yakking away, cadence managed to shut herself in the bathroom and turn the deadbolt.

i managed to hear her banging on the door and yelling for me, so i went to see what the ruckus was. at first, i thought ted was in there with her, as he hadn’t been w/ the rest of us in the dining room. then when i saw that he was in the living room doing magic tricks for my friend jen’s 5 year old son vinnie, i knew we were in trouble, everybody, which included my friends josh, connolly, olarn, jen, her son vinnie, ted and myself, immediately crowded around the area outside the bathroom door.

by this time, cadence was hysterical and screaming and crying in a way that almost made ME lose it. she just kept banging on the door and desperately rattling the doorknob, even though we kept trying to get her to turn the lock. she just didn’t understand what we were saying, or was too frantic to follow instructions. i’m sure if i’d been on the other side of the door, she would’ve just played around until she figured out how to turn the lock again. i guess when a child is that little and that terrified, they just don’t think straight, and i don’t blame her.

in the meantime, we tried unscrewing the doorknob, which did no good as there was no keyhole behind the encasement of the knob. we didn’t want to kick down the door (like they do in the movies) because cadence was on the floor right behind the door, and we didn’t want to hurt her. i called my downstairs neighbor diane who used to own the building to ask her if she had any idea what we could do, but it being a deadbolt, she didn’t have any suggestions. we decided the only thing to do was to tear the doorframe away, so connolly and i ran down to the basement to find a crowbar. i don’t know what i would’ve done if connolly hadn’t been w/ me, as i was so frantic that i couldn’t even find the light to the tool room. connolly found it, thank goodness, and he had the presence of mind to locate the crowbar too. i didn’t even know what a crowbar would look like, let alone locate it in a tool room i’d been in a total of once before.

cadence had exhausted herself and fallen asleep by this time, as evidenced by a lack of response from the other side of the door. of course, being the paranoid freaked out mommy, i was ready to jump out of my skin because i couldn’t somehow walk bodily through that door like a ghost (or jesus) and scoop her into my arms and make sure she was actually alive and breathing. well, with the help of the crowbar and the sheer muscle power of my friends and after what seemed like HOURS, we finally managed to pry the door open.

i rushed into the bathroom and found little cadence, asleep facedown on the cold tile floor right behind the door. i gathered her up into my arms and she woke up and immediately resumed her hysterics where she had left off. i started crying too and had to go into the living room to compose myself. she sounded so sad as she cried in my arms—a mixture of residual fear of having been abandoned and relief at being reunited with and reassured of mommy’s love. she soon calmed down and kept saying over and over, ‘i’m okay. i’m okay. the door. the door. i’m okay. i’m okay.’ she told us in the few words she had that she’d been sad but now she was okay, and she was so sweet and tender with everybody who had taken part in the rescue. she even kissed the door as a gesture of goodwill and forgiveness before going to bed that night, telling it she was okay now. i swear, that kid KILLS me with how sweet she can be sometimes...

...in retrospect, i am intrigued by how primal my urge to claw through the door was. the helplessness i felt at the time was just devastating. i knew that cadence was safe and that we’d get her out, even if it would mean calling in the fire department. still, it was unbearable to me that she would think we had abandoned her and that we wouldn’t be coming to scoop her up into our arms and that she was being LEFT. ALL. ALONE. we have never let her cry-it-out for sleep training purposes, and she has always had at least another comforting adult (grandma, uncle, church friend) to hold her if we weren’t around when she was crying. so this was literally the first time she’s experienced a sense of abandonment without the availability of a shoulder to cry on, which i think would have made a world of difference.

...anyhoo, i am so thankful that my friends were there to help keep me calm and to reassure me that it was all going to be okay soon. i’m sure if it had just been ted and me, i would’ve been absolutely no help. most likely, i would've assumed the fetal position on the floor and rocked myself back and forth until the whole ordeal was over.

suffice it to say, that lock will not be going back on the door…

Labels: cadence

...early saturday morning, soon after ted had left for work, i heard a loud *THUD* that made my heart sink down to my stomach. i ran into the bedroom, and sure enough, cadence had literally rolled all the way across from the middle of our giant full-sized-plus-queen-sized bed, flat onto her face onto our hard wooden floor. in the still dark room, i didn't realize the extent of the damage until my eyes adjusted enough to see that her mouth and chin were a bloody mess which FREAKED ME OUT. luckily, she hadn't broken any teeth, and the blood was all from a busted lip and nothing that would require stitches or anything. still, it was unnerving for me as i had never seen cadence that bloody before. this is the first time she's fallen out of bed in her sleep that i can remember. we put a pillow on the edge of the bed, which normally gets her to roll in the opposite direction, but for some reason, the pillow must have fallen off.

i know that booboo looks pretty nasty, but she didn't seem to be in too much pain, as she nursed just fine right afterwards. but i did feel awful whenever i looked at her throughout the day for letting her fall out of bed like that. normally, i sleep in with her on saturday mornings until she wakes up, but for some reaon, i felt like waking up early yesterday. just goes to show that you should never pass up an opportunity to catch some more z's.

...i finished a book yesterday by brian mclaren called 'the story we find ourselves in.' this is the 2nd book in mclaren's trilogy of "nonfiction novels" about a pastor's rediscovery of christian faith. i read the other two books in the trilogy already, and i have to say that this may be my favorite one. maybe it's because i love reading fiction more than nonfiction that seeing christianity as a narrative as opposed to a set of dogmas or beliefs is appealing to me. i highly recommend this book for anyone who doesn't have much exposure to christianity and wonders what all the fuss is about, and for those who are or were raised as christians and aren't satisfied with a generic, cookie-cutter faith.

then last night, dave and becki came over for dinner and we watched a documentary called 'why we fight' about the american "military industrial complex," a term coined by eisenhower in his farewell speech. i didn't see the whole movie, as i was playing with cadence in another room for much of it until she went to sleep, but i was still pretty heavily impacted by some of the images in that film which were so disturbing, esp. clips taken at the baghdad morgue of rotting corpses just thrown together in big piles--men, women and children.

...i thought back to earlier that morning when cadence had her fall, and how much the sight of her blood upset me. and that was nothing compared to what so many mothers and fathers are seeing happen to their children around the world. i cannot fathom a life overshadowed by the constant fear of bombs and bullets, not just for oneself but for one's entire family as well. what kind of a world is this that we have created for our children?

and i thought back to something i had read in the brian mclaren book earlier that day, about how the ultimate fight is not one that can be fought with bombs and guns and machetes, but one that can only be fought with love and peace and forgiveness. if our president claims to be doing god's will, and our secretary of defense does "what the good lord tells him is best for our country", i can't help but wonder whose voice(s) they're actually hearing when they pray.

jesus lived during the height of the roman empire. but he never seemed to care too much about fighting the roman oppressors or seeking revenge for all the wrong that had been done to the jews. instead, he proclaimed "blessed are the peacemakers" and to turn the other cheek and to love your enemies and to repay evil with good. it may seem like he was telling people they needed to let others walk all over them, and his way may sound weak. but when you think about it, in the long run, the only way to overcome evil IS with good, with love, with kindness. if you love your enemies and are good to them, there is no way they can win.

the terrorist attacks of september 11th traumatized our entire nation. however, i think that we could have reacted differently. what if instead of being gripped with fear and hatred, we as a nation had reached out to the world's muslim community and embraced them and acknowledged that those terrorist acts were not representative of the muslim religion? what if we had done something crazy like choosing to forgive? i keep thinking about the example the amish have shown us in recent weeks of the power of forgiveness and returning evil with good. i think a lot of people who used to think the amish were a bunch of luddites may view them differently now.

somebody has to be the one to choose to forgive and to love first, or else the cycle of hate and violence will never end.

...there's something else that jesus said that i've been thinking about. something to the effect of 'what good will it be for a man if he gains the world yet forfeits his soul?' and by that, i don't think he means going to hell. i think you lose your soul when you continue to choose greed and selfishness and powermongering above love and peace and kindness and selflessness. america has positioned itself to be the world's only superpower, but has it been at the cost of its soul? is it worth being the richest and most powerful country in the world, if it's at the cost of knowing how to love and care for one another or being able to swallow your pride and lay down your weapons without fear or being faithful stewards of our priceless environment?

there's lots i'm mulling over in my mind and heart these days, lots i don't have adequate words for. there's so much darkness and pain and crap in the world these days, but i'm still going to choose hope. why? how? because when i look at my daughter's face every day, i just can't help it...

Labels: cadence