Shutterbug Mama

(This was originally posted today on my Other Blog, but I thought it should go on my mommyblog too since it's, well, about being a mommy. Sorry if you're seeing this twice in your Google Reader or Bloglines!)

I'm not really sure why we have such a fancy-pants mirror hanging in our foyer. Plus, Ted's got it hung so high, I have to stand on my tippy toes to get any use out of it. Hmmm. Looks like it could use some cleaning...

Well, speaking of mirrors, I've been doing a bit of self-reflecting on my parenting habits lately. As I've mentioned recently, being a mommy has been hard these days. We've been waiting over two years for the Terrible Two's to end for Cadence, and we find ourselves in a corner, having to reevaluate how we relate to her. I don't think we've TOTALLY f*cked up, but I do feel justified in mourning the missed opportunities to do the things that would have establisthed trust and love and connection, rather than exhibiting our need to control as parents. And it's not like I don't know better since I've read so many books in the unconditional, peaceful parenting vein, but then again I DON'T know, at least not in the deep, non-book acquired non-cerebral sense of the word.

When we decided a LONG time ago that we didn't want to raise Cadence to believe that she had to behave a certain way for us to love her, I didn't realize how hard it would be to let go of my own experiences of the way I was parented--not only by my parents, but by society at large. I didn't realize how much I would care what others thought about Cadence and our parenting skills, so much so that I would try (usually unsuccessfully) to exert a semblance of control over my child in public because that's what we as parents are expected to do in our culture: control the fruit of thy womb lest thou suffer the universal disdain and judgment of all polite society.

It's amazing how much damage you are subconsciously willing to do to your child to avoid being labeled as a bad parent. I've cared so much about what other people think that I've neglected who Cadence is and what HER needs are. She is indeed a Wild Thing, but she does NOT respond well to methods such as being sent to her room without any supper (a reference to the the book; not something I've actually ever done). There are children who modify their behavior as a result of punitive measures (at least in the short run), and then there are children like Cadence. I know deep in my heart that punishments will do her absolutely no "good," not even in the short run. People may think that's because I don't punish her long or hard enough. While I entertain the possibility that through brute force I can eventually break her spirit so that I can make a meek, obedient child out of her, please tell me why the f*ck would I want to do that?

So the truth I see in all this is that Cadence is NOT an out-of-control, "spoiled rotten" and manipulative child. She may APPEAR that way to folks who have certain preconceived notions on how a "good" child behaves, but that is not who she is, and I know that. The truth is that I am afraid to let her be her aunthentic self because of my own fears about what others think of us and because of my own ideas of how I want my child to behave. And there's that f*cking word again. BEHAVE. Why the hell are we all so obsessed w/ OUTWARD BEHAVIOR???!!!

(I realize I'm rambling here, so I feel the need to insert a photo to justify the length of this post. It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't had real sleep since Friday night, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and why the heck am I apologizing on my own blog?)

Here's the thing. I don't want Cadence to be a puppet. I don't even WANT her to fit the definition of "good" that most people hold when it comes to children--obedient, quiet when told to be quiet, never prone to emotional outbursts, sits quietly at their desks and raises their hands to be called on in school, stands when told to stand, sits when told to sit. I don't want Cadence to ever fit THAT mold of "goodness," especially if it's out of fear that I won't love her unless she complies or out of fear of being punished. I DO want her to feel safe with us, her parents, to be who she is, even when that means exhibitions of strong, explosive feelings from time to time. I DO want her to feel that her opinions matter, even if they defy laws of [adult] logic. I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.

The REAL truth about Cadence is that she is so much more honest and authentic than I am. She does not hide her emotions, be they frolicksome or furious or forlorn. Nor does she hide her true opinions and wishes. She is creative, a connoisseur of fun, full of boundless energy and can out-dance just about anyone at a wedding reception. She is also caring and affectionate and devoted to her friends. She sees the best in people and is full of optimism.

And the REAL truth about myself is that I'm proud of her and wouldn't want to change any of that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For those of you who worry that this means I'm going to let Cadence do whatever she wants whenever she wants wherever she wants, please rest assured that this will not be the case. However, I do plan on changing the way I react to Cadence when she doesn't get what she wants (which usually results in high pitched shrieks that would make a dog cringe). If I have the presence of mind to apply what I know and believe by validating her feelings without judgement and by responding with gentleness and love, she usually responds much more positively than when I exhibit disapproval or try to change her. Old habits are hard to break, and unfortunately, I've been programmed from my own upbringing to try to control outward behavior (in myself and in my child) rather than to embrace authenticity.

And in case you're wondering, I'm currently reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Labels: about.me, attachment.parenting, cadence, coming.undone, parenting

This is usually a quiet time of the year for me at work, but something came up that's thrown me into temporary busyness resulting in working while on the train, through lunch, at home, in the middle of the night, etc, and that's put a serious damper on my ability to post here. So here I go again with the random thoughts/updates and random photos.

Remember my voluntary simplicity mantra for the year? Well, it's the end of May, and I feel like I've gotten nowhere with that. I feel really pathetic saying this, but I think it would take an intervention like getting on a Reality TV show to get my butt in gear in terms of purging and decluttering our lives. But it's not just the physical stuff. It's my mind that needs decluttering too.

I find that I simply rush through my day, seldom taking time to notice the little things, such as these delicate flowers on the side of the pavement, these little encapsulations of purity and beauty. I don't take the time to breathe in deeply, or to quiet myself, or to connect to myself, let alone God or those around me. I wonder what it would take to change that?

So I was in the dining room the other day when I heard Cadence's voice coming from her room, saying, "Oh please don't go! We'll eat you up, we love you so!" I grabbed the camera to capture this photo of her "reading." It's the first book that she's taken to reciting, and now she walks around our home saying in the same cackly voice I use, "...And they GNASHED their terrible teeth, and they GNASHED their terrible eyes, and they GNASHED their terrible claws..." She apparently really likes the word GNASHED. It really tickles me so that she loves this book so much, because she is most definitely My Wild Thing, and that's what I love so much about her.

Speaking of Cadence, she's been under the weather the past couple days. She doesn't get sick very often, so when she does, I tend to get a little bit anxious. It hasn't been too bad so far. Just some head congestion. She tried to nurse yesterday morning and just couldn't breathe so she gave up. She later made a comment that I was "empty" and that she just couldn't do it. That made me wonder if that's how she'll self-wean, as my supply continues to dwindle, and it gets harder and harder for her to get a let-down. She must be breathing better by now because she was able to nurse last night and this morning, which I'm glad about because I prefer her to get as much breastmilk as possible when she's sick so I can pass on my antibodies.

Ted's been busy brewing up all kinds of beer. We've had lots of it in kegs lately, which is a whole new way of drinking homebrew. For those who know the joys of drinking draught beer, especially really good draught beer, you can believe that this is probably one of those no-turning-back experiences. For Ted, at least. I only drink the foamy part (and you sure can get good foam when you can control your own carbonation in a keg).

In case you haven't noticed, for the past couple months, the only shoes Cadence will wear unless cajoled otherwise are her black sparkly ballerina flats. She wears them to church, to the park, to the grocery store, to the children's museum, to the library, to the cafe, and yes, when she's driving in her little car. Needless to say, they're starting to fall apart. I finally took her shoe-shopping last night, and she INSISTED on a pink version of the sparkly shoes. Then I showed her a little less showy pair of floral canvas ballerina flats which she agreed to buy instead, and I convinced her to also accept a pair of gender neutral black canvas slip-on sneakers for the playground.

When we got home, however, she said some stuff that kind of gave me pause. She said something to the effect of "I'm a girl, so I like these shoes [meaning the flowery ballerina flats]," and she expressed less enthusiasm for the black gender neutral sneakers. As I've mentioned before, we're trying hard not to raise a little princess who will be looking for her prince in shining armor to "save" her. This is something I feel strongly about because when I was a young girl, I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic, and my mother told me women don't do things like that. I know I shouldn't get too worked up about it, but it scares me how quickly this whole gender socialization thing happens.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a post up on Shutter Sisters last Sunday. You can read all about it here.

Also, one of my photos from 826CHI's prom was picked for Gapers Block's Rearview for Tuesday May 20th. My friend Justin saw it and told me about it. That was kinda cool.

Alright, I think that's enough for now. Happy long weekend everyone!

Labels: cadence, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, this.busy.life

I've been really busy at work, and with last weekend's packed schedule, I have to admit I don't have much to offer on this here blog o' mine. My thoughts are all over the place lately. Excuse me if I fail at molding this here post into some semblance of coherence. This is where random thoughts come in. And random photos.

Sometimes, I get really tired of feeling like we're doing it alone. Living, parenting, being. I have this yearning to live in community w/ folks, to raise each others' kids, to grow our own food, to cook for each other, to play cards, to sing old hymns in 4 part harmony, to make art, to share books and CDs and sofas and cars as well as the occasional cup of sugar and eggs. I can't be the only one who feels like this. But how you get started on such a paradigm-shifting project? I have no clue...

As much as I love my boss and am treated well by my current company, I can't help feeling uneasy being tied down to a corporate job. Yes, it pays the bills and enables Ted to stay home with Cadence, but I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. I have thoughts of doing photography professionally, but I'm afraid of two things: 1) not getting enough business; and 2) becoming bored with photography.

Do you know what one of my pet peeves is? Christians who think Jesus is gonna bail us out of the mess we made, so "oh, well if the rest of the earth is going to hell in a handbasket as long as we get taken up to heaven before it self-destructs." And what the hell is heaven anyways? I don't think it's gonna be one big eternal hallelujah surrounded by streets of gold and harp-strumming winged creatures. I rather like how the theologian and Anglican bishop N.T. Wright talks about heaven.

I'm still reading Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States and it is still kicking my butt. You can read some of it online here if you want to know what I'm talking about.

And then there's Cadence. She sure is something. The other day at church, our friend Matt J. held out his hand for a high five. Cadence responded by giving him her FOOT, sparkly shoe and all. Oh, and that would be the Sunday on which the first thing she did when we got to church was to pee in her pants. Of course that had to be the day that I forgot to pack an extra pair of pants. She ran around the church in her underwear and thought nothing of it. Still, she's a neater eater than I am (which isn't saying much). I just have to remember the time when the sight of Cadence peeing in the toilet unassisted was a mere fantasy and be thankful for the progress she's made so far. Now I'm fantasizing about her pooping in the toilet instead of her underwear...That day, too, shall come, I'm told...

The reality is that I'm watching my baby, who is no longer a baby or even a toddler, grow up before my very eyes, and my heart panics just a wee bit. I have no idea what to do about school. I'm afraid to put a ball of such unstoppable energy into a classroom environment, but I don't know (or am afraid of) what my other options are. I'm convinced that despite the noble intentions of many teachers, the majority of schools these days are designed to spit out conformist drones, and I can't resist rebelling against that.

Alrighty, then. I think that'll do for random thoughts. I've got more rolling around in my head, but I'm tired of typing and being awake.

Labels: activism, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts

It is a well-documented fact that I live with two goofballs. Like father, like daughter, I suppose. Something new that Cadence has been manifesting lately, however, is an more emotional attachment to her dad. Last night, Cadence was having some painful, er, poop issues, and Ted was out w/ his brother. Cadence started crying and asking for her dad. It wasn't an angry, demanding, loud tantrumy kind of cry. It was a rather quietly pleading and sad cry accentuated by her crocodile tears. I thought my heart would break. I called Ted so Cadence could talk to him on the phone, and I think she nearly broke HIS heart too.

You know, I look that top photo of these two, and my heart just stops, wondering where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday, she was a little burrito lovingly and shyly cradled in Ted's strong arms. I knew she'd grow up fast, but these days, when I look at her running around in her big girl undies, with her long wavy hair, and her so much more grown up emotions, I am stricken with a mix of love, pride, nostalgia, joy and excitement with a twinge of fear and sadness...

Well, it's Love Thursday over on Shutter Sisters, so go check it out.

Labels: cadence, family, love.thursday, parenting

There's a new Flickr group called Self-Portrait Truthiness and it's all about posting photos of ourselves in our bare skin. The idea brought back memories of my dad who was not a fan of make-up and who would always emphasize the importance of cultivating inner beauty, and not focusing on what I looked like on the outside. I have to admit that at the time, all I could think about was that all my friends got to wear make-up and I didn't and how I couldn't wait to be old enough to do what I wanted so I could wear some damn eye-liner and lipstick.

So I grew up to be the type of person who wouldn't go out in public without doing her makeup. I remember going camping with a bunch of my friends in my mid-twenties, and early in the morning, I was sitting at a picnic table looking into a mirror and curling my lashes, and I could sense some of my friends staring at me, and I declared, "Don't judge me." When I went on a week-long canoe trip w/ my friend John, he forbade me from wearing makeup on the trip, the thought of which horrified me at the time, but I think I managed to sneak in my eyelash curler.

Now that I'm a mother, I'm coming to terms with the values regarding outward beauty that I want to pass on to Cadence, which are surprisingly similar to what my dad tried to convey to me, although I won't forbid her from wearing makeup if that's what she chooses. This means that I will have to become comfortable in my own bare skin, so that she sees that you can be beautiful and feel beautiful without the aid of cosmetics or the latest fashions.

Honestly, I think that some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen are those who don't wear any makeup, even if their faces are weathered and wrinkled. If I can acknowledge the beauty and grace in the pure naked faces of other women, surely I can do the same for myself.

Labels: about.me, growing.up.fundie, memory.lane, motherhood, my.dad, parenting, truthiness.tuesday

Some of you may be familiar with our struggles to get Cadence to use the potty. I was starting to think that there was something physically wrong with Cadence and that she was never ever going to get out of diapers, and I lost much sleep despairing over this issue.

I finally reached the end of my rope a couple weeks ago and started putting her in underwear inside her pants to see where that would lead. Well, after washing pee-soaked underwear and pants numerous times, I finally sat her in front of the TV on her potty and gave her as much watered-down juice as she wanted. When we had dinner, I sat her in her potty. I followed her around everywhere with that potty.

That method apparently worked, and in just a day, she was running to the potty on her own. She's gotten so good at it that she even pee-ed in the dark on Saturday night during the Lights Out for the Earth Hour.

It warms my heart so very much every time Cadence yells out "Mama! I made yellow! You have to see it!" And she takes her pee-filled potty to every visitor and insist that they look too. Our good friend (and new neighbor) Keom was over yesterday, and he didn't want to look at the pee, but I threatened him into compliance lest he hurt Cadence's feelings and throw a wrench in our potty progress so far.

So now, when we're at home, Cadence stays pantless in her underwear. She's still not pooping in the potty (except for once this past week), and I have no idea how we would get her to use the potty outside of home, but this is so much further ahead of where we were that I'm going to enjoy where we're at now. And I wouldn't have made it this far without the support of my mama friends Amy, Jenn and Sarah S-B. Thanks, ladies!

Go see more folk's Best Shot's on Tracey' Mother May I.

Labels: best.shots.monday, cadence, parenting

Thanks, ya'll for your concern for my little bugger Cadence. Alas, it is a veritable snotfest PLUS crankyfest in chez moi. Oh the festivities! Cadence hasn't been able to sleep well the past 3 nights, and by default neither (niether? neither? nether? Crap. I'm tired.) has Ted nor I (have/and? have/nor/or? has/and? has/nor/or?).

We've been pretty spoiled in that Cadence has been this sick only a handful of times. Normally, she gets a runny nose for a day or two, we pump her w/ homeopathics and breastmilk, and she's usually back to normal. I knew when that high fever hit her Monday night, we were in for a bit more drama this time around. Plus, I don't think she's getting as much breastmilk as she used to, which is why I find myself, the mother of a 3 year old, taking an herbal galactalogue [in case you're too lazy to click on the link, a galactalogue is something that promotes lacation, e.g. breastmilk production]. I'm probably overreacting, but with the cold season coming up, there's no way I'm stopping breastfeeding now. Maybe by the time she's 4 years old, she'll allow us to perform nasal irrigation on her, but for now, I need all the ammo I can get in fighting the notorious bug season in Chicago, which only seems to get worse over the years as the bugs beget stronger and more-resistant-to-everything bugs.

Well, I hope Cadence doesn't get any worse, and I have to keep in mind that this will only boost her immune system for the future. Whether Ted and I make it through the bug unscathed is yet to be seen...

Labels: cadence, extended.breastfeeding, health, parenting, sick.cadence

I've been taking a break from blogging this week, as I've been thoroughly preoccupied with 5 different books simultaneously, not to mention the fact that Ted and I have discovered the vast library of DVDs available for immediate online viewing on Netflix. We're currently going through The Life of Birds narrated by David Attenborough as well as the first season of Heroes (after Cadence goes to sleep). I have to admit that I'm a little obsessed with the latter show. We don't have TV reception, so we can only watch it on DVD or online, and we're hurriedly trying to catch up.

So, have you guys noticed that the one thing about Cadence I never talk about on this here blog is her using the potty? There's a reason for that. It's pretty simple, really. She doesn't use it. So there's nothing to talk about. Unless I talk about her NOT using the potty, and how that's getting old. Ted and I are trying not to put too much pressure on her. She has peed on the potty on occasion, and she'll sit on it for a while for the heck of it, but she continues to resist on most occasions. For reasons I don't want to get into right now, I don't want to resort to candy or stickers or charts, so I guess we're just gonna have to be patient.

Sometimes I think to myself, "Goodness gracious, what have I done?! I've got a kid who still sucks on my boob, sleeps w/ me and wears diapers at the age of THREE!!" It's so easy to second-guess the way you've parented and wonder if everything you've ever done is just WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'll bet there are folks reading this who'd say, "Hell, like DUH! What were you thinking?! You were wrong alright." Well, I'm doing what I feel is right for Cadence and our family. And you know what? She's still totally kick-ass. There is absolutely no denying that.

Labels: books, cadence, parenting

I don't always talk explicitly about faith or God, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them. In fact, I think about them a lot. You see, my dad was a pastor. Even before he was officially ordained in the Association of Vineyard Churches, he was more involved in ministry than some full-time pastors.

There's a lot of baggage that comes with being raised "in the ministry," and I tried walking away from the whole faith, God and church thing. I tried and I failed.

Although I really tried to kick the whole organized religion thing in the shins, I just could not get over this growl of a conviction that at the heart of who Jesus was and is, there lay the key to unlocking the door to my deepest self.

I can't explain it. I've just always known since I was a little girl that I came from God. I've always known that there was something that connected me to God, even as an adult when I was trying to escape the whole "God" thing.

A few years ago, I discovered the Emergent/Emerging church. There's a lot of opinions on what the Emergent church is, some positive and some negative. To me, it's a conversation among a diverse group of folks in the Christian tradition who're trying to work out the whole faith thing in a holistic manner and trying to do it politely and lovingly and gently.

Anyhoo, one of the reasons I'm thinking about all this stuff is that I don't want to impart to Cadence the same baggage I experienced growing up in a spiritual environment that made me feel judged and never good enough. And yet, I do want to impart SOMETHING to her when it comes to faith.

Well, it just so happens that the Emergent folks are starting a new blog for parents called Emerging Parents, "a safe place for those involved in the emerging church conversation to explore holistic parenting ideas." I'm hoping to hear other folks' stories and maybe get some ideas on how to impart faith without the baggage to Cadence.

Labels: christianity, emerging.church, emerging.parents, faith, parenting

And no, it's not because Cadence smothered herself in butt cream the other day, although the fact that I didn't notice she was being unusually quiet under the table (which usually means poop or trouble) should be an indication of my current state of exhaustion.

I thought that once the wedding was over, I'd be able to catch my breath, but I was busy editing photos all week after the wedding and fretting over what processor to use for printing the photos (which if anyone has any suggestions, I'm totally open to 'em), and then we've had tons of family related stuff since last Monday, with cousins in town, birthdays, Belgian Beer tastings, etc.

I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm not a superhuman and that my body and mind and emotions can only take so much fun and drama before I begin to fall apart and start doing things like almost missing my stop on the train or nodding off at my desk mid-email (both of which I've done today).

Our friend (and my cousin Jeannie's boyfriend) Erik has been staying with us since last Monday, and my cousin Jeannie has been staying with us since she flew in on Wednesday. There have been many hours of talking and laughing and beer drinking since, and I guess there's only so much fun you can have before you start losing your ability to function.

I feel really bad for Cadence. No, feeling bad is an understatement. Plagued by guilt is probably more accurate. I was so busy with all the wedding preparations, and then editing photos, and now hanging out w/ guests and family. I think I've totally screwed up her night-time schedule as she hasn't been going to bed before 11:30pm for almost a month now, and it's totally not her fault. What toddler could resist all that stimulation when there's so much going on?

And still, she is such an awesome kid. Yes, she's demanding and opinionated and spirited, but what I've learned is that if I give her focused attention, without rolling my eyes or giving her attitude, and I do what I can to meet her needs in that moment, she is perfectly agreeable and in fact a very sweet kid. Children are so forgiving of their parents' shortcomings.

I've got several hundred photos from the past weekend that I need to get through. I'm going to take my time, though. I mean, who really cares about my Garfield Park Conservatory photos anyways? Or snapshots of family? Those photos will still be around in another week or two. Of course if I take another few hundred photos this week, then I'll REALLY be digging myself into a hole. I guess I should just hide my camera for a few weeks then...And I should probably stay away from the Hideout's annual block party...

Labels: about.me, cadence, family, parenting, prayer.for.the.paranoid, this.busy.life

#1—I was walking to the train one day when I passed an elderly dog of indiscernible breed hanging around his front lawn. He was a friendly type---the kind that always has a smile on his face, and I wasn't worried at all walking by him. His owner was on the front porch, just a couple yards away, and he called to his dog in such a gentle, amiable tone that made me smile to myself as I hurried to catch my train. It got me thinking about a quote by Gandhi that says, 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' (Thank you, Google) I think this is true. I then got to thinking about how it is considered inhumane to hit a dog or cat or most animals in this country, but when it comes to hitting a child it's considered discipline.

I suppose the Christians have at least a little bit of something to do with this. One little Bible verse in the book of Proverbs—'Spare the rod, spoil the child' has probably done more to mislead parents regarding appropriate discipline than all the other verses regarding love, gentleness, kindness, mercy and forgiveness combined have done to enlighten them. I know that there are now Christian groups who believe in grace-based discipline and do not believe in spanking. William and Martha Sears, who are often considered the spokespersons for Attachment Parenting, are in fact devout Christians. Still, most folks who grew up in Christian or church-going homes grew up being spanked. I know a lot of folks who were hit as a child say they turned out okay so spanking must not be that bad. To them, I say, you probably turned out okay DESPITE being spanked. I'm sorry, but I personally don't see how the assertion of one's superior physical strength or size over another of inferior strength or size can EVER produce truly positive, long-term effects, such as instilling a sense of SELF-discipline, or the sense of right and wrong that is based on internalized morals and not fear of punishment.

I do believe that parents have the responsibility to guide their children. To me, that is what The Rod in the verse from Proverbs is referring to. Shepherds use their rods to guide their sheep, not to beat them when they stray. I'm no expert on discipline. In fact, it's an area that I really struggle with in our home. I am convinced that rewards and punishments do not work in the long-term, if what I'm looking to do is to teach Cadence self-control and desire to do the right thing, not out of fear of punishment or the desire for a reward but simply because it is the right thing to do.

And yet, I understand why parents spank their kids. When you are being pushed to the limits of your sanity by a scrawny 36 inches weighing less than 30lbs, it can be so easy to just revert to how you were parented. I really think that unless we experience significant internal changes, and unless we equip ourselves with the tools to know better, we just can't help ourselves from becoming our parents. For those who were parented well, this is a blessing. For the rest of us, it's a source of frequent internal and external strife.

I didn't grow up with a lot of physical discipline. However, I do distinctly remember my mom telling me that she wanted to beat the tar out of me (loose translation from the Korean), and I never forgot that. I just hope I never say anything so hurtful to Cadence. It would be as bad as giving her a spanking, I would imagine.

I believe that there is another quote out there about how you can tell a lot about a people by the way they treat their young, their old and their sick or disabled. If there isn't, there should be. All in all, I do believe that our humanity is determined, for better or for worse, by how we treat the weakest, the most vulnerable, the frailest, the most dependent among us.

Which is why Jesus is my hero, even though a lot of the stuff that often comes packaged in Christianity drives me totally nutso. But that's another thought for another (Thurs)day.

#2—On a totally different note, will any of you respect me less if I wear gauchos? I know some folks don't have a problem with it, but others simply cannot stand them. I just can't find anything to wear to the wedding that is comfortable enough for me to move around freely so I can take photos. You see, to get some of the shots I want, I sometimes find myself in awkward positions, and I mean that in the physical realm. I've been known to do things like stand on high places, kneel or get my belly on the ground, and I don't want to be doing all that in a skirt. Gauchos provide a nice in-between. Ted doesn't like them at all, but I can't find another pair of pants that I like. And don't get me started about the top…

#3—Can I just say that I absolutely love Ted's new haircut? I made him go to art+science which is much more pricey than just a barber or Supercuts. I have to say, it's totally worth it. Best of all, he loves it too!

Cadence thinks the haircut is beautiful too. They sure make a good looking pair!

Labels: attachment.parenting, cadence, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

When I chose to do certain things as a parent that some folks would consider attachment parenting, I have to admit that I didn't have visions of beautiful bonding moments with my child; they were for reasons of convenience and necessity as a working mom. Breastfeeding meant I'd always have food ready to serve without needing to measure, mix or warm up. Extended breastfeeding meant I'd always have a means of calming and comforting instantaneously, not to mention being able to give Cadence—ever the Energizer bunny—the equivalent of a sleeping pill every night. Co-sleeping meant being able to nurse and comfort without having to get up or entirely waking up so that I could actually function during the day and bring home the bacon. Babywearing meant being able to do things around the house and not having to lug a stroller everywhere, the technicalities of which I never fully grasped (I am severely mechanically challenged). If these things promoted attachment between Cadence and me, well that was an added bonus.

As she grew older, however, I wondered if my laziness had set us up for disaster. I mean, would Cadence EVER stop nursing during the night, with a midnight snack just inches from her face? Would she EVER learn to put herself to sleep without the sleep-inducing hormones in a nightcap on tap from mama's boob? Would she EVER wean herself, if we let HER decide when she was ready? Would she EVER be able to sleep by herself in her own bed without a warm body next to her?

It seems to me that the answer to all these questions is YES. She has already stopped nursing during the night for the most part through no effort of my own. Sometimes she stirs, but she usually just settles herself and sleeps through the night until after I've already left for work. She has also started getting in bed and putting herself to sleep for naptimes, but only with Ted. I don't try to force her to do it with me too because I get to put her down for naps only three days a week. But at least I know that she CAN do it. She obviously hasn't weaned yet, but I know she will someday. Now that she's cut out her pre-dawn session, she only nurses twice a day as it is.

As for sleeping in her own bed, I am personally skeptical of the notion that a child should be expected to sleep alone so early in life. I remember sleeping with my grandmother while my brother slept with my parents until I was at least 5 years old. For thousands of years, humans slept together in one family bed, so I think babies are hard-wired to want to be close to a warm body, probably as a built-in safety feature. I believe that humans are highly adaptable and therefore have learned to sleep alone from infancy during the last 100 years or so (at least in the Western world). However, I don't expect this of my own child, because I know her personality. Some babies are great in their own cribs and beds from the get-go. Others can gradually become accustomed to sleeping alone. Cadence happens to fall into the camp that requires a little more coziness during the night. Maybe it's because I am away from her so much during the day. Maybe it's just how she's hardwired. At any rate, co-sleeping gives me the opportunity to be in close contact with her for at least 7 hours during the night, and although we may be asleep through most of it, in our dreamy state, we soak in each other's presence and touch, and it diminishes the sadness of being separated for 10-11 hours during the day. Of course there are nights when I just wish I could sleep unencumbered all alone in a nice big soft bed. Overall, though, it's so worth it.

Labels: attachment.parenting, cadence, cosleeping, extended.breastfeeding, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1—I recently celebrated a semi-milestone birthday, which has forced me to contemplate my aging process. I have to say, if there's one thing my mom has done well, it's to age gracefully. At the age of 65, she still has only a few stray gray hairs here and there, and her face lacks but a few wrinkles. In the past year, I have come to grips with the fact that my hair is in fact starting to gray. This wouldn't be so bad if my hair were a lighter color, but when you've got black hair, it's really hard to miss. Just this morning, when I looked in the mirror, I was horrified to find that a few strands had gone white totally overnight. Like, how is that even possible?

Different people have different ways of dealing with their deviant strands. Me? I pluck those suckers right out of my scalp as fast as I can. Luckily, I haven't found too many so far. And yet, I know I'll have to make a decision as to what I'm gonna do about the gray once these ghost strands become too numerous for me to keep up with. The thing is, I don't want to dye my hair. My dad stopped dying his later in life, and he had a lovely head of silvery moonbeam hair. I actually wouldn't mind having that. I just hope it's not at the age of 35. Anyhoo, I don't know what to do in the interim. If I dyed my hair, I'd want to dye it a totally different color, like cobalt blue or magenta. Something tells me that wouldn't go over so well at my place of gainful employment...

#2—It seems to me that a lot of newish parents these days fret over the size of their babies and toddlers, especially if they're on the smallish side. It doesn't help that the growth charts published in every parenting book and exhibited by pediatricians across the country don't take into account factors such as whether the children were formula-fed or breastfed or the genetic makeup inherited from the parents. Cadence has been falling off the charts weight-wise for some time now, and if it weren't for those pesky charts, I probably wouldn't stress out so much over her eating habits. The fact is, she's happy, playful, strong and active. If you look at her, the word "malnourished" would never enter your mind. Still, I wish she'd eat actual meals more than a couple times a week.

Speaking of small, I finally got to meet my friends Zarah and Felix's newborn son Asher yesterday. He is tiny at just over 5lbs (after losing some of his birthweight like all newborns) but is just about the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Granted, I only saw him while he was slumbering, but I'm sure he's just as beautiful awake. I absolutely love the way newborns look and smell and feel in your arms. Even my cousin's Baby Eden, who's now a whopping 4 months old, feels so small and light compared to Cadence, who herself is still light enough to carry with one arm.

*Sigh*. Here's a photo of Cadence from the archives, when she was really little. Can you tell I have just an eensy-teensie bit of baby fever? I'll get over it soon enough, though, before it's too late. Although this would be the perfect time for me to get pregnant…My work usually slows down for mid-spring/early summer, which would be just around 40 weeks from now. Hmmm…

Alright, moving right along...

#3—I know that my affinity for used/vintage clothing is obvious in the way I dress Cadence. Well, what's even better than used/vintage is used/vintage hand-me-downs from people I love. That's exactly what Cadence is wearing in this photo. The shirt and shorts were her Auntie Lauren's way back in the 80's. Ted's mom made the shorts, and she spruced up the shirt with the lace/ribbon trim.

I wish my mom had kept some of my clothes from girlhood. There was this one Snoopy shirt which I can guarantee never existed in the U.S. And then there was that white dress with the floral apron that I absolutely adored. I guess we could only take so much on the plane when we moved here from Korea, but still...It apparently never occurred to my mom to save any of my stuff, even my hanboks. She expressed surprise that Ted's mom had kept Lauren's clothese all these years. This is coming from someone who saved every one of my report cards from grammar school. Oh well.

Labels: about.me, auntie.lore, baby.fever, cadence, family, parenting, photos, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1—I've been missing the Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle lately. Maybe it's the whole turning 35 thing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Whatever the reason, I've determined to start going to more shows. Granted, if I get to see 3 shows in a year, that would qualify as MORE, but I was thinking more along the lines of at least twice a month. Holy shit. That sounds like a lot.

Anyhoo, I've got this lovely new camera that I'm dying to use on Chicago's best-lit venues, so who better to call upon than my dear friends Derek Becker of Satellite Booking and the Detholz! It just so happens that the 'Holz are headlining the I-Go Audio Emissions CD Release Party at the Metro tonight. I asked Derek if I could get a media pass so I could shoot photos, and he was nice enough to put me on the guestlist AND get me a media pass! The Metro happens to have my favorite lights in the city, so I'm really excited about the show tonight. And my friend Miss Mia of Chic-a-go-go is hosting the show, so I hope she tells all the tall folks to get the hell out of my way! Stay tuned for the photos…

#2—Speaking of the Detholz! show, I am hopefully going to get to meet someone at the show whose blog (erg, actually her Myspace page) I've been lurking on for a few months, and who it turns out has also been lurking on my blog! HA HA! That gets me a-thinkin' about the power of the Internet to establish relationships between folks who would otherwise be too shy to express their mutual admiration for one another in person. It also shows how the Internet brings out the inner stalker in all of us. I totally admit to that one.

#3—Cadence is growing up so fast. No, really. It's become more noticeable in just the past week or so. She's actually occasionally rational now. I can say to her, "We can't eat cookies for breakfast, but you can have an apple or an apricot," and she'll actually choose one of the latter two without argument 5% of the time. Or when I come home and she demands a nursing session right away, I can now say to her, "We'll do ma-ma-ma (her word for nursing) after I pee and change into something more comfortable (e.g., sans bra), and she'll actually say, "Okay."

Then again, she did have that screaming session yesterday evening about something I can't even remember, and I had to plug my ears or totally seriously risk hearing loss. It was flippin' loud, folks. I don't see how she's not deaf herself.

But still, overall I'm noticing that when I can't give her what she wants, as long as I get down on her level and give her some sort of explanation in a gentle, empathic voice, she'll resort to screaming in retaliation much less than she used to.

She's also beginning to understand aspects of the bigger world outside our little family. It kind of shocked me the other day when we were talking about church, and she tilts her head, nodding it up and down, and says, "Blbublaubl God? Blbublaubl Eesus?" Wow. So she knows that going to church has something to do with God and Jesus. Up to this point, she always associated church with Rudden (her best friend and baby love) and her other friends. And Matt the pianist whom we pick up every Sunday.

And then when we were at my cousin's house on Tuesday night, Baby Eden was propped up on her boppy while we were eating, and she started crying. Cadence was next to her, and looking really concerned, she says to me, "Blbublaubl wanna ah-zhoo!" No, she wasn't sneezing. Ah'-zhoo is her word for "be held." She knew that the baby wanted to be held and was alerting us to that fact.

So yeah, she's becoming spiritual AND compassionate. Totally growing up so fast.

Labels: cadence, friends.rock, friends.who.rock, live.music, motherhood, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

I would like to officially dispell any myths that may have mysteriously formed in the universe regarding my skills and qualifications for parenthood. I have read a number of good and not-so-good books on parenting since being drafted into this adventure. I continue to refer many of my friends and acquaintances and random strangers to some of these resources, because really, when you think about it, I should've been a research librarian. Nothing gives me greater joy than a thorough google search. However, keen aptitude on google does not a competent parent make.

Lately, Cadence has pushed me to the unchartered hinterlands of my sanity with her Endless!Boundless!Explosions! of Energy! This girl can go!Go!GO! like you wouldn't believe. I think she thoroughly wore out my La Leche League leader's 12 year old daughter at the family picnic last night. Laurel (the 12 year old) told me with total pre-teen seriousness that Cadence could outrun her if she wants to.

To add to the exhaustion, this week she has begun engaging in reckless behavior, such as hanging from the monkey bars 7' off the ground while I'm nowhere near her. Now we have to stick to her like white (or brown, depending on what you prefer) on rice to prevent her from breaking her little neck.

And then there are those times when she insists on taking a 2 hour walk at 7 in the morning. She'll lollygag with the earthworm, thoroughly fascinated by its creeping and crawling.

And of course, she'll have to look for every puddle in every alley and street and pothole on our route for the sheer pleasure of getting her boots wet. And she'll have to jump in each one twice or three times and sometimes four.

Why is it that when she's running around like the Tasmanian Devil, I wish I could contain that energy of hers and make her sit still, but when she lazily meanders through the neighborhood, stopping to smell the figurative roses that I wish she'd pick up the pace? Why can't I just be content to be in the moment with my totally amazing and delightful and awe-filled and joy-filled kid?

*Sigh*...So much to learn...

Labels: cadence, lessons.learned.again, parenting, photos

I was a bit rushed in yesterday's post, and I'd like to explain myself a little better. Ted and I had an eye-opening experience at a party a little over a month ago. It was a birthday party for Aunt Becki, Dave's fiancé. Most of the guests at the party were her classmates from grad school, so Cadence was the only kid. Everyone was super nice to her and kept saying over and over again just "how cute!" she was or "how beautiful!" or "how adorable!" It's not so much that we don't agree with those statements, but hearing it over and over again at that party made us wonder whether Cadence was internalizing this and if so, what effect that would have on her self-image and where she derives her sense of self-worth in the long run.

Ted shared with me his own experience of growing up and hearing over and over from his (mainly female) relatives that he was so handsome or so cute, and how that made him feel self-conscious and damaged his self-esteem. You would think that kids would like hearing that they're good-looking, but I think when that's ALL a kid hears, they may start questioning whether that's all they're good for, and I believe that Ted may have experienced that to a certain degree. Also, I think that the research on the negative effects of praise and rewards would back me up on this.

I don't think that it's wrong to dress up your kid in cute outfits or to enjoy hearing people compliment them on their looks. What I don't want to do, however, is to just sit on the sidelines and let Cadence be enticed by a society that places so much emphasis on external beauty with standards so brutal that the average jane can only get depressed after 5 minutes of thumbing through one issue of Seventeen. I don't want Cadence to grow up needing external praise from other people to feel good about herself. I don't want Cadence to be conditioned to value other people based on THEIR external appearances alone. Instead, my hope is that she will see the beauty in herself and in others in characteristics such as compassion, kindness, generosity, justice, courage, honesty, simplicity and humor, and that she will be motivated by an internal sense of what is right and good and just, and not be a slave to external praise or criticism.

Labels: cadence, parenting, photos

I know that as the parent of a girl, one big temptation is to dress your daughter up as if she's your personal doll 24/7. Just walk into any Baby Gap or Old Navy, and you'll see that the options for girls are so much more enticing than for boys. I've recently become acutely aware of many people paying attention only to Cadence's outward appearance. I guess it's only natural, since most folks think that parents always want to hear how cute their kid is. And of course I enjoy hearing these kinds of compliments; I wouldn't be plastering the internet with her photos if I didn't. At the same time, though, I also don't want Cadence to grow up thinking that the most important thing in life is for her to look "cute" or "pretty" or that her main value as a girl or woman is to look good for other people.

Fact is, Cadence is about as active and playful and rambunctious as any boy her age I've seen. I was raised in a family that believed that girls should be quiet and gentle and that they don't grow up to be certain things, like, say, a photographer for National Geographic. I don't want to place those kinds of limits on Cadence.

I admit that sometimes it's really hard to let Cadence pick her own outfit, when I'd really like to take her out and about in that adorable dress, but she's rather run and jump and climb in a flannel shirt and jeans.

And even when she DOES wear something a bit more on the girly side, I hope she'll always be comfortable enough in her own skin to just be her goofy, lovely self.

Labels: cadence, parenting, photos

I've been tagged by the lovely and every-so-talented Tracey Clark for the awesome Real Moms Meme started by Kristen.

It took me a while to think of something to fill in the "Real Moms _________." Mainly, because so many people have already taken my potential answers. So after a few hours of pondering and a couple of google searches cuz I hates being redundant, here's what I'm going with:

Real Moms Need Each Other.

And by each other, I mean other Real Moms.

There are so many experiences that are universal to motherhood, especially First Time Motherhood. You can read about pregnancy and birth and newborn care and parenting until you're blue in the face (or zonked out from boredom), but until you actually talk to another mom who's Been There Done That and Lived to Tell About It, there's a part of you that won't believe any of it. The phrase shouldn't be It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. It should be It Takes A Village of Real Moms To Keep A Mom From Crossing Over The Brink Of Insanity--So That She Can Raise A Child.

Sadly, we in Western culture don't live in villages anymore. Those of us in big cities don't even have the advantage of the town gossip who at least lets everyone else know what your troubles are. If it weren't for the internet, many of us wouldn't have even ONE other mom to relate to.

But the need to connect is still there. Real Moms Need Each Other. So many of us parent with guilt and insecurities and feel like failures. We need to hear that it's normal to not like your kid occasionally. We need to hear that it's okay if your kid won't eat anything but cheerios today (and tomorrow and the day after that). We need to hear that it's okay to have that cocktail/beer/vodka. We need to hear that we're not failures because we couldn't give birth naturally/breastfeed/cloth diaper/get our babies to sleep through the night/wean/potty train/learn their ABCs. We need to hear that we are not alone, and we need to hear it from other Real Moms.

I'm tagging all y'all mamas, many of you who've been there for me, keeping me real.

Labels: memememe, motherhood, parenting

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself. This seems pretty obvious, huh? It's easier said than done, however, in our fast-paced plugged-in world.

Some women's bodies are hardcoded to have easy births. I know a mom who delievered her firstborn almost before her husband was done filling out the hospital paperwork. She thought it was so easy that she was ready to have another baby the very next day. If all women were like her, I'm sure we'd have to be building condos in Antarctica by now due to the overpopulation. Alas, for most women, having a baby can be as physically and mentally challenging as running a marathon. If you don't prepare your body and your mind for the event, you may find yourself regretting it at the finish line.

The first part of taking care of yourself is to eat healthy. When I was pregnant with Cadence, we had the misfortune of living only a block away from Sweet Occasions, our favorite ice cream place in the city. 2 ½ years later, the extra pounds of flesh on various parts of my body still remind me of every scoop of ice cream I indulged in during those months. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in dieting during a pregnancy. I've heard of women who were so scared of gaining weight that they gave birth to 4lb babies. However, your visits to Sweet Occasions should be just that—sweet and occasional, not the almost daily visit it became for me. It's no wonder Cadence is willing to take two buses when I mention that ice cream will be the destination.

I think some of the guidelines on what pregnant women should eat and not eat get totally wacko and impossible to follow. I wouldn't overdo it unless you LIKE following really restrictive and regimented rules for yourself. I think the main thing I would do differently (besides eating less ice cream) would be to keep in mind that being pregnant is not an excuse for pigging out on whatever fatty greasy food I'm in the mood for. Just this mindset alone would have significantly increased the health factor of my diet during pregnancy and decreased the number of miles I'm gonna have to run now to forget those scoops of Zanzibar Chocolate.

One reason eating a healthy diet is important is that it will help you to also do the second part of taking care of yourself, which is to EXERCISE. What? Exercise? But aren't prego women supposed to take it easy? That's what past generations thought, and some women who have high-risk pregnancies do have to take it easy . But for the vast majority of women, exercise is a good thing during pregnancy. You can't sit on your gradually widening ass for 9 months and then expect to perform the equivalent of running a marathon during labor and delivery. This may be the one instance when your ability to perform under pressure will not be enough. (Like I said, I’m not a healthcare professional, so talk to yours before starting an exercise regiment.)

Unfortunately, if your body is not used to exercising BEFORE you get pregnant, it can be hard to make a habit of it AFTER you're pregnant, when your hormones and body changes are making you narcoleptic on most days. Some doctors won't even let you exercise beyond the brisk walk if you didn't exercise BEFORE you got pregnant. That's why I totally plan on getting as fit as possible before I'll even entertain trying to conceive again (which is why I may never have another child).

Women who exercise consistently during their pregnancy often have an easier time with labor and delivery. The exercise I've heard women swear by time and time again, esp women who chose natural childbirth, is prenatal yoga.

I am one of the 7 women in America who missed out on the yoga/pilates phenomenon. Part of it was my fundamentalist Christian upbringing that predisposed me to be suspicious of anything that smacked of Eastern religions. Which is stupid when you consider I'm Asian. Anyhoo, I thought practicing yoga would be an open invitation to all the false religion demons to inhabit my vulnerable spirit, so I shouldn't take the risk.

I've come to my senses since then, but I still haven't caught up with the yoga craze. I do plan on rectifying that, esp. if I ever want to get pregnant again. One of the things on my To Do Before Considering Pregnancy Again list is mastering a yoga regiment. Maybe mastering is too strong a word…I suppose surviving on a regular basis (e.g. 3x a week)would be a more realistic goal, if I ever want to cross that one off my list.

So what is it about prenantal yoga that is so helpful to women in labor? Due to my lack of personal experience, I'll have to go by what I've heard and read. Here are some articles that you may find helpful:

Prepare for Birth with Prenatal Yoga
Prenatal Yoga: More than Relaxation
Great Pregnancy Exercise: Yoga
Benefits of Yoga Before, During and After Pregnancy

Here is a list some of the benefits of prenatal yoga from one of the articles:

~Increase energy
~Decrease anxiety
~Strengthen birthing muscles
~Quicken postpartum recovery
~Improve sleep
~Reduce backache
~Improve circulation
~Increase chance of a healthy birth

The third part of taking care of yourself is learning how to relax. That may sound simple enough, but if you've never made a habit of taking time to just breathe deeply and let go of all your stress, you may find yourself twiddling your thumbs and blinking a lot while wondering when you're gonna start feeling relaxed.

You may have to try different things to find what actually relaxes you. It might not be the stereotypical bubble bath or walk on the beach. The aforementioned yoga may help. The breathing exercises alone should put you in a calm, meditative state.

If you've never tried needlecraft before, it's never too late to learn. I hear knitting and crocheting can be very therapeutic, and I know first hand (ha! hand. get it?) that simple stitching can also be very relaxing and is something that even someone who's all thumbs can do very easily. You can even make stuff for your expected bundle of joy!

For those of you who can afford it, an occasional prenatal massage session can be totally what the doctor/midwife/homeopath ordered. Of course, having a partner with strong hands who's willing to give you a backrub at the end of a long, stressful day couldn't hurt either.

Whatever it is that helps you to relax, whether it's the stuff I mentioned, or just daydreaming for 15 minutes, reading a book, listening to music, etc., it's a good habit to cultivate. I'm definitely still working on this one.

Actually, I think that this whole "Take Care of Yourself" mantra is the most difficult one for me. It goes back to my fundie cult upbringing in which I was taught that taking care of yourself was plain selfish, when you should be out looking for and feeding Jesus' lost sheep. Nevermind that the cult leader always had a bevy of women around him, cooking for him, running his errands, giving him backrubs and doing GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. Anyhoo, so yeah, it's hard for me to give myself permission to take care of ME. That's one of the reasons I'm writing all this out so publicly. I figure if I blog about it and tell other folks they should do it, I'll be more inclined to follow my own advice.

Labels: family, lessons.learned, parenting, pregnancy

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

OK, here's a short one. It's actually an addendum to Lesson #1, which was Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably A Good Idea.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself. I'm not saying you need to get psychoanalyzed or anything like that, but a little bit of introspection and discussion with your partner where you think you might fall on the various spectrums of birth and parenting will help you to filter the multiteragigs of data that you will feel like you are being bombarded with once you've taken the plunge to try to conceive or once you've conceived.

While I think it's still very helpful to get info on a bunch of scenarios and choices, if you have no idea what feels right to you and your birth partner, it can be pretty overwhelming and you may find yourself being swayed like Chicago tree branches in March. I think this is really important, or else you will FREAK OUT about EVERYTHING. Folks who are easily freaked out in general or who have a lot of fears regarding pregnancy and childbirth and the whole shabang may benefit from talking to people who have had POSITIVE experiences and maybe limit their reading if everything they read just scares them even more.

And don't let anyone guilt-trip you or scare you out of decisions that you and your partner have made based on your own research and evaluation of what is right for you. You can be flexible and open to new information if it's helpful and is accurate and makes sense, otherwise, just smile, nod, whatever, and relax.

For those who ARE scared of the pregnancy/birth/parenting thing, I was the same way. Believe me, if I hadn't been stupid about my birth control, I would have NEVER chosen to get pregnant. A lot of it was misinformation. The media really know how to scare folks about this stuff, cuz fear sells better than faith. It's sad that women have been made afraid of their own bodies and what they're capable of.

Labels: family, lessons.learned, parenting, pregnancy

Tomorrow, Cadence turns 2 ½ years old. It's been 3 years and 1 month since we found out we were going to be parents. Unlike some parents, we were totally unprepared for becoming pregnant, let alone becoming parents to an actual live human being. Heck, we weren't even married—that's how prepared we were. In fact, what kicked off my morning sickness (actually, it started at night not morning) was drinking half a bottle of wine and smoking a cig at the Detholz! show on Valentine's Day. I guess you can say we had to learn on the fly. It worked out okay—we're all still alive and kicking.

I don't mean to wallow in regret or revel in self-flagellation over my stupidity, but if I WERE to have another child (Don't get any ideas, now. For the record, IF we have another child, and it is still a pretty big IF, it won't be until cadence is at LEAST 4 years old, which would put the timing at around September of 2008. And it probably won't be until she's at least 5, because Ted's brother is getting married October of 2008, and I'd rather not be full-term or nursing a newborn anywhere near that time.), IF we were to actually get pregnant on purpose, there are a few things I would do differently—during the pregnancy, birth and after the baby's born—than I did the first time around.

I don't think I'll be able to get through all the stuff in one blog post, so I'll make this an occasional series.

These lessons are what I, an individual, have learned. They are not the same lessons that someone else would have learned from their own experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting a newborn and toddler. That being said, for someone who has never been pregnant, or who is newly pregnant with absolutely no info about being pregnant or a parent, I think my lessons may be useful.

Let me say upfront that much of my perspective comes from an attachment/natural parenting mindframe. Not 100%, but probably a good 70.3%. It's what works for our family and for who we are and for who Cadence is. Everyone has to find what works for their families. I would hope that they would do so not just from what's convenient to the parents, but out of sincere concern for the children's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Also, I am not a medical or health professional of any kind. Every woman's body is different, every baby and toddler is different, and it is our wonderful, mysterious and oftentimes mindboggling job to learn about our own bodies and to learn about our own children—their bodies, their personalities, their quirks and charms.

Ok, now that the legal disclaimers are over, here goes.

Lesson # 1—Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably a Good Idea

So you get pregnant, you wait 9 months, give or take a few weeks, and then you go to the hospital and have a baby, right? I mean, they've got drugs so it won't hurt, and the doctors and nurses will know what to do. So what's the big deal? Well, that's one way to do it, I suppose. However, since we're going based on the lessons I have learned, that's NOT what I would recommend for myself (or anyone else, for that matter).

I don't think you need to read EVERY SINGLE book on pregnancy or birth or parenting a child from newborn to 6 years old. If you did, you'd need a lot longer than 9 months to do it. Let's face facts. We've been going through a bit of a baby boom lately, and the pregnancy/birth/baby industry is a HUGE economic force to be reckoned with. It only takes one trip to the Babies 'R' Us to know what I'm talking about. If you browse the parenting section of your local megabookstore, you will find at least 2-4 ceiling-to-floor bookcases full of books. Inquiring newly pregnant or sleepdeprived new parental minds want to know, and there are a large gaggle of self-purported experts who will tell you everything and anything about pregnancy, birth, infant care, sleep training, breastfeeding, discipline, potty training/learning, education, etc.

Yes, a LOT of these books are just rubbish. Even some really popular books are not helpful. I don't want to name any names, but a certain line of books considered essential reading for expecting and new parents may not actually inform you accurately on *ahem* what to really expect. Unless you are a hypochondriatic apocalyptic megapessimistic masochist. Then you might like those books.

Instead of stocking up on random books from the Borders or your local library, I recommend talking to women who are currently pregnant or have recently given birth and asking them about their experiences and if they have any books that they recommend. Whether you are excitedly looking forward to your drug-free, intervention-free empowered homebirth of your dreams, or you're scared to death of this whole pregnancy and birth thing and are totally clinging to every word that falls out of your OB's mouth, it's probably a good idea to talk to women on both ends of the spectrum and those in the middle.

If you want to go the natural, drug-free route, more power to ya. That's the route I wanted too, and I eneded up w/ a C-section* without even a chance at experiencing labor. Some women need an epidural to relax and let labor progress so that they don't have to get a C-section. So regardless, you want to be prepared so that you and your partner can make the choices that are right for you. It's kinda hard to do that if haven't done the research BEFORE labor starts. I know some women who blog right until they give birth, but others might not have access to a computer or google at that point.

*Granted, if I had done things differently (like pick a doctor whose response to my birthplan wasn't to laugh in my face), things might have been different. When you're at the mercy of doctors and your insurance company, though, your choices can be limited. Which is why it's good to get this info and research done so you know what kind of birth you want WELL before your insurance company locks you in to a doctor/midwife(many insurance plans will not let you switch medical groups after you begin your 3rd trimester).

Maybe you are 10000% sure that you want an epidural or medicated birth. If so, just make sure that you still do your research so that you are aware of the impact an epidural can have on labor and on breastfeeding after the birth. Not all medicated births are created equal. Being knowledgeable about interventions can greatly enhance the quality of labor, birth and postpartum experience. For example, babies born to mothers who were administered narcotics may be extremely sleepy and not want to nurse as much at first. A lot of new moms are not aware of this, and so they just think the baby won't latch on and they give up on breastfeeding entirely. As long as you know how to rouse a sleepy newborn to keep nursing, there is no reason that getting an epidural has to result in breastfeeding not working out. Also, it turned out I wasn't able to get an epidural for my C-section because my spine was too tight, so you may want to check into that too.

Anyhoo, I'm going off on a tangent here. To summarize, it is my firm belief that it is a woman's choice to give birth naturally or with the aid of a painkiller. However, what I have learned from my experience is that unless you educate yourself on what your choices are, you may miss out on the kind of birth that you want because you didn't have enough information to make informed choices.

I am going to wrap up Lesson #1 with a few suggestions to help you Learn About Stuff Ahead of Time.

1) Take a childbirth class. Not just a one day seminar offered by your hospital. Many insurance plans will cover the expense of a more extensive childbirth class. There are many to choose from. And just because you plan on a medicated birth, don't shy away from the natural childbirth class. Most childbirth classes go over both unmedicated AND medicated births as well as C-sections so that you will be prepared regardless. We took a Bradley method class with Juli Billings-Walter, which met for 3 hours once a week for 9 weeks. It was intense, but it was well worth it. Not only did it prepare me to make informed choices when my pregnancy turned a little risky, it also provided me invaluable information on things such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and learning to respond to my baby's cues. Much of the way we parent now stems from the things we learned in that class. It's also a great way to meet other parents who will be having babies around the same time as you. Juli has about a 75% success rate for her students who want to deliver naturally. Obviously, I was part of the 25% failure rate, but let's not dwell on that...

BirthLink has a lot of info on birthing classes and other resources.

Also, Alejandra Valera wrote an excellent article about Childbirth Classes in her Car Seat column on Gapers Block a few years ago soon after the birth of her son. It gives a summary of some of the options available in the Chicago area. Note that some of the info is date-specific to the year 2004.

2) Check out some websites. There are plenty of places to get information, like babycenter.com, etc., but I would also encourage you to check out lesser-known sites like mothering.com, kellymom.com, askdrsears.com, and drgreene.com. Even if you want to be as mainstream as possible and not waver from the middle of the pack, it never hurts to get other perspectives. You may even find that these other 'alternative' birthing/parenting ideas resonate with who you really are and what you want from your birth and parenting experience than some of the more 'mainstream' ideas. Don't knock it 'til you've at least googled it, that's what I say.

3) Read some books. Browse or read thoroughly as you see fit. Many of these books are available at your local library (many large libraries even let you search their catalog online, so you don't even have to leave your chair to locate some of these books). Most megabookstores also carry them, and you can grab your drink of choice, find a nice comfy armchair, and browse away before actually purchasing the ones that jive with you.

The Thinking Woman's Guide To a Better Birth by Henci Goer—Somewhat intimidating with its small font and whatnot, but is very thorough about medical interventions. Biased towards natural, unmedicated births, but still provides a lot of valuable information that you'll probably never hear from your doctor.

The Pregnancy Book, The Birth Book, The Baby Book from the Sears Library. No, not as in the department store. William and Martha Sears are a husband and wife pediatrician/RN team who've parented 8 kids over a number of years. Some of their kids are also pediatricians and contribute to some of their books. Their website askdrsears.com is also very informative. They have a whole library of parenting books. I haven't read them all, and I hear some are better than others, but I trust them in general. They're also pretty accessible to more mainstream parents.

Father's First Steps—25 Things Every New Dad Should Know by Robert Sears and James Sears. Yup. Sons of the aforementioned Searses. I got this for my cousin so I had a chance to browse through it. I think it's important for dads or birth partners to learn as much as they can prior to the birth so that they can feel a part of the whole experience and so that they'll know how best to help mom and baby after the birth.

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. I haven't read this one myself, but I hear it's very, very good.

Birthing from Within by Pam England. Again, another book I haven't read, but my friend Ann highly recommends it, and based on what I've read about Pam England and the philosophy behind Birthing From Within, it sounds awesome. There are childbirth classes based on this book as well.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by The La Leche League (We'll talk about LLL in a future post). This is handsdown the Breastfeeding Bible. Why read it BEFORE you have a baby? Believe it or not, breastfeeding is a skill that must be learned by both mother and baby, and when you're both exhausted after a long labor/birth, that's no time to be learning the basics. I'll be posting about breastfeeding in a separate post. Y'all know how I feel about that one.

There are so many other books, but I'll stop with those for now. If you have others that you think deserve mention, feel free to comment.

Labels: family, lessons.learned, parenting, pregnancy

...it's hard for even a toddler to resist the aroma of gloria jean's coffee. here she is making coffee for her mama!

...we got those beans on monday when we visited ted's parents out in the burbs. we stopped in at the local mall to see the fountains, which cadence had enjoyed in the summer when grandma and grandpa were babysitting.

speaking of grandma and grandpa babysitting, ted's mom asked us when we thought they could keep cadence for, oh, 2 or 3 days or so. i have to admit the question caught me off guard. on the one hand, i would LOVE a couple days with just ted and me. i mean, i'd be happy with just a few HOURS, so 2 or 3 days is something i couldn't imagine at this point. on the other hand, cadence is still nursing a few times a day, and i don't know how she would react to being separated for that long from both of us. some people may think that a getaway trip would be the perfect opportunity to wean a toddler as old as cadence. it's true that i feel totally fortunate to have been able to nurse this long, and if cadence WERE to wean right now, i'd be okay with that but ONLY if cadence would be okay with it as well.

believe it or not, i actually still ENJOY nursing. i really believe that extended breastfeeding (in combination with co-sleeping) has helped cadence and me to maintain a close bond, even though i work full-time outside the home. the first thing cadence asks for when i come home is 'ma-ma-ma' (her word for boobies), and it gives me a chance to slow down for 15 minutes and get reconnected with her after being separated for 11+ hours. i'm not saying that extended BFing or cosleeping is necessary to stay connected w/ a child if the mom works outside the home, but it's what works for our family.

...although it seems that more women are breastfeeding these days than, say, 10 years ago, extended breastfeeding (breastfeeding beyond baby's first year) is still viewed by many as strange, weird or even revolting. in other cultures, however, it is common for children to continue nursing until 4 or 5 years of age. i know some people would say that's probably in countries where clean water and food are in short supply. and while it may be true that in the U.S. and other developed countries where nutritious food and safe water are abundant that toddlers and young children don't have a PHYSICAL need for mama's milk, that doesn't mean that they don't have an EMOTIONAL need to continue the nursing relationship. in fact, some research has shown that

"In societies where children are allowed to nurse 'as long as they want' they usually self-wean, with no arguments or emotional trauma, between 3 and 4 years of age."--Kathryn Dettwyler, PhD

also, i know i've mentioned this before, but the World Health Organization actually recommends extended breastfeeding, up to two years of age or beyond.

i'm not saying that extended breastfeeding or child-led weaning is for everyone. all i'm saying is that i don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed about continuing to nurse my child. i don't want to feel like this is something i have to keep secret from my friends and family, or from strangers for that matter, because they might think i'm some kooky crunchy hippie mama. i'm really not that granola--i don't even use cloth diapers. i just happen to have a toddler who loves to nurse, and i happen to be totally okay with that. i just wish everybody else was okay with it too...

Labels: lactivism, parenting

...so i guess this photo would explain why she's been studying elvish!

after that serious post from yesterday, i thought i'd lighten things up a bit. yes, parenting is hard work blah blah blah, but when we start becoming the parents we want to be, we can really EJOY PARENTING. and to go along with that, i've got a new website i just found called just that:

enjoy parenting with scott noelle

i highly recommend signing up for his daily groove, which is his almost daily inspirational notes on parenting.

...we had one of those nice mornings with cadence today. i had the day off for president's day (thank you, george washington!), so we went out for breakfast at pauline's in andersonville. it's a breakfast/brunch joint that we've driven by every sunday on our way to church for over a year, and we finally got to give them a try today.

...i have to admit that i'm usually not up for going out to eat with cadence because it can be so stressful when she starts screaming and wanting to wander around. this morning, though, she made no complaints when we put her in her high chair, and happily played with the little individual jelly containers by stacking them like blocks or making different shapes with them, and proudly declaring 'square!' or 'ing-ingle!' she cleaned her plate, which is unusual, and everytime she got a forkful of blueberry pancake w/ strawberry jelly into her mouth, she would lean over at me and proclaim, 'i did it!' she only fussed a little bit towards the end as we were leaving and had to put away her toys, but overall we had a lovely time. it's days like this that make it all worth it...

Labels: cadence, parenting

...i realize that my virtual self has been a bit reticent lately, whether it's on this blog, or on flickr or on my friends' blogs. it's really not because i don't have anything to say. on the contrary, it's almost as if my heart is too full for me to even KNOW what i want to say. well, let me try and get some of this out before it's gone...

when my morning sickness began the night of valentines day 2004 at the detholz! show, i had no idea that my life could be turned upside down by such a tiny little creature. parenting has definitely changed me, and it continues to change me. the past few weeks have been especially mindbending for me, as i have begun a new journey in parenting, a total paradigm shift in the way i view parenting and children in general.

...i guess it all began with reading Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott. here was a book that sought to understand children with compassion and without judgement and to communicate true empathy. i see so many parents these days who just want their kids to behave and do as they are told, especially when they are in public where other people may see and judge their parenting skills. parents can be so mean to their kids, so disrespectful, so belittling. this is something i am guilty of too. how many times have i cringed and blushed when cadence would scream bloody murder at church or at a store or among extended family? instead of thinking of her unmet needs that were causing her to act out, i just wanted her to be quiet and stop embarrassing me. how many times have i dismissed her cries and demands at home, attributing them to the inevitability of being 2 years old? how many times have i flat out ignored her from sheer exhaustion or pure laziness? too many times...

the real kicker this past month was when my friend michele gave me the DVD of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting lecture, based on his book of the same title. ted and i watched it together, and it pretty much turned our thoughts on parenting upside down. i have since read the book as well, and it simultaneously pierced my heart and gave me hope for the future of our family. instead of summarizing it myself, i'm going to quote from alfie kohn's website:

Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

the really painful thing about reading this book was realizing how badly i was parented myself. sure, my parents tried to make amends when i was older, but the damage was already done. a lot of the really messed up shit had to do with growing up in a cult. i still remember having to line up w/ the other cult kids in the cult leader's office to show him our report card every quarter. i remember watching my brother give my parents grief and thinking that i could never let them know when i was breaking the rules because a) i didn't want to disappoint my parents and b) i didn't want to get punished. let's just say that my mom thought i was at the library every day after school throughout high school...

needless to say, i don't want cadence to have to pretend to be studying at the library everyday because she's afraid of telling me what she's really up to. i don't want her to make ethical or moral decisions based on whether or not she'll get caught or punished or rewarded or praised. and even if that may seem like in the distant future, i have to remember that even now, at just almost 2.5 years old, cadence is her own self. she knows what she likes and doesn't like. she has needs that are as totally valid and significant as the needs of myself or any other adult.

although children sometimes scream loud enough to cause hearing damage, and although they sometimes seem unbelievably strong when they are hitting us or throwing things or wrestling away from us, we have to remember that children are in fact smaller and weaker and have very little voice in our society. when a child cries or throws a tantrum and the parent ignores them because 'they're just trying to get attention,' and the parent doesn't want to spoil them by responding to them when they're acting like this, the parent forgets that the child's need for attention IS A VALID NEED.

anyhoo, it's kinda overwhelming when i envision the type of parent i want to be and the type that i've been, but i have hope that i won't repeat the cyle of dysfunction or negative parenting that has been a part of my personal history. ted and i don't want to just wing it as parents. it's hard work to treat such a demanding, persistent personality like cadence with respect and gentleness, and of course we're going to come up short time and time again. and yet kids can be so forgiving when they see that we really ARE trying and when we admit to them our own weaknesses.

for any parents out there or anyone thinking of becoming parents or anyone wondering how maybe you were impacted by your parents' treatment of you and/or your siblings or anyone involved in anything w/ children (childcare, teaching, sunday school etc), i highly recommend Unconditional Parenting, either the book or the DVD.

here are also some other books and websites that have been really helpful to me in my quest to become a compassionate and respectful parent/spouse/person:

between parent and child by haim ginott
how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by adele faber and elaine mazlish
becoming the parent you want to be by laura davis and janis keyser
adventures in gentle discipline by hilary flower
the natural child: parenting from the heart by jan hunt
smart love by martha heinemann pieper and william j. pieper
mothering magazine
mama toto (baby wearing)
magical childhood
empathic discipline (the site of parenting coach lisa stroyan)

Labels: cadence, parenting

well, it sure has been quiet around here, hasn't it? i wish i could say that no news is good news, but i've actually been too tired and burned out to post here. work was really busy for a while (as it usually is this time of year) and for a couple weeks, i actually had to go in all 5 days instead of working from home on wednesdays. thank goodness that craziness is over. and now we have three big weekends in a row coming up, one of which is hosting a massive super bowl tea party. yes, you read that right. super bowl TEA party.

it was supposed to be just a TEA party for some old friends of mine from my evanston vineyard days. we're all parents or soon-to-be parents now, and i organized a reunion at my place scheduled for sunday feb. 4th. it never occurred to me that the super bowl would be that very afternoon. this was quite vexing as we don't have an antenna for our TV and it had taken months to schedule a date that most of us could get together. i didn't want to cancel the party, but when the bears ended up winning the NFC title, i felt obligated to give my guests a chance to withdraw their acceptance of the invitation to the tea party, since based on the bears' record, chicago couldn't expect to participate in another super bowl until our kids are of legal drinking age. fortunately, my friends candy and eric offered to bring their bunny ears so that we could watch the game. i think it's because they're colts fans (they grew up in evansville, IN) that they really don't want to miss the game, esp. when they have the chance to tease a bunch of bears fans.

so now my tea party is going to be a SUPER BOWL tea party. who knows. maybe the bunny ears won't work and all the football fans will scurry home early.

...in addition to work and planning parties, cadence has been a major pain in the behind lately. i hear that kids often get this way at her age. maybe their brains are developing so fast that it drives them bonkers. she's just been a bit of a beeyatch, and i can tell it's taking a toll on us. the other night, ted was going out w/ his bro, and he looked at me and asked if i was okay with him going out. i told him it was fine, but i couldn't guarantee i wouldn't kill the little bugger before he got back.

of course, this little 'spririted' phase just HAD to coincide with my finishing haim ginott's classic parenting book Between Parent and Child, which i highly recommend to anybody in a relationship of any type with another human being. some of the ideas in the book may seem oversimplistic, but overall, i really got a lot out of it, not just for my parenting skills, but in relating to ted and even people at work.

anyhoo, in case i've ever made it seem like i absolutely ADORE being a parent and having cadence for a daughter ALL the time like 24/7 and how could i POSSIBLY have been happy before her birth…well, think again. sometimes, i just want to grab my camera, buy a pack of american spirits and head on over to the empty bottle like the good old days…

Labels: cadence, parenting, this.busy.life