Shutterbug Mama

I've already mentioned that I never went to my senior prom, but since I grew up in a fundie home, I was never really allowed to do any type of social dancing as a kid, period. When we were in that cult (from my ages 4-17), there were elaborately choreographed dances that were performed (because the cult leader liked that cultured stuff like ballet and classical music), but none of us kids ever got to go to a regular school dance, unless it was maybe for proselytizing purposes.

Nevertheless, there was always a dancer in me, and when I finally broke out of my fundie surroundings, I embraced my inner dance with exuberance and abandon. Granted, I couldn't do a foxtrot or a simple waltz or anything related to swing dancing to save my life. In fact, any type of dance that required a partner was not within my realm of possibilities. I remember being on the dance floor w/ my girlfriend when we were probably not even 21, and she asked me in an exasperated tone, "Can't you just dance NORMAL?!" I remember thinking to myself, "Like, WHY would I wanna dance NORMAL??!!"

So why am I bringing all this up? Well, I'm reading a book right now called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd (author of The Secret Life of Bees, one of my favorite books of the past couple years), and there's stuff a-stirring in me.

While I've considered myself a feminist for some time, I've never fully examined or even admitted my wounds derived from being born female in a male-dominated society, and especially growing up female in a male-dominated church tradition. It's easy for me to gloss over and just forget about, now that I go to a church pastored by a woman, where most of the leaders are also women, or now that I'm in a non-traditional household where I, the wife, am the main breadwinner, while my husband takes care of our child and keeps house.

And yet, there is a defiance taking shape inside of me. I'm two-thirds of the way through the book, and there is a rumbling in my soul, the sound of an avalanche in the distance gaining speed and momentum. I don't know when the rumble will be a roar deafening my ears, and to be honest, I'm hesitant and afraid.

I think this one's gonna take a while to unfold.

I haven't danced in a long time. At least not my wild dance, the dance that comes from within, from the deepest part of myself, that dance that is mine and mine alone. Maybe that dance will emerge again. I hope so...Because I don't EVER want to "dance NORMAL."

Labels: femine.sacred, random.photos, random.thoughts

I have the distinct honor and pleasure of photographing my friend Alana's wedding tomorrow. She is a talented designer, photographer, musician, and hot rock 'n' roll mama. I'm so happy for her and her almost-hubby-Dave. It's going to be a beach sunset wedding in Michigan, so no stuffy boring wedding here.

So why the need for a confession? Well, two things. First of all, this will be my first wedding as THE photographer. That scares the bejeebus out of me. I've had butterflies in my stomach for over a week now. I know I should just get over myself, but I still get that, "What if I totally f*ck up?" knot in my brain every time I do a semi-important photoshoot. Wanna know why I'm not shooting photos for a living? This is why. The stress would kill me, I think. And still, I know I'm just second guessing. So like I said, I should just get over myself.

Second, Ted couldn't get off of work for the wedding. Since bringing Cadence to the wedding without someone to watch her would spell potentially disastrous results for my shutterbug duties, I reluctantly decided to leave her at home. What's the big deal? Well, this is an overnight trip, and I've never spent a night away from Cadence since she emerged from my womb. Ok, there was that one Wilco/Detholz! concert in Urbana that I photographed when she was five months old and I didn't get home until the middle of the night, but I was only gone a total of 12 hours then. I skipped Wilco's encore AND pumped breastmilk in the car while Ted drove to keep our time away to a minimum.

I know a bunch of you are laughing at me that I'm actually not jumping up and down with glee that I get a night all to myself in a waterfront hotel in lovely Saugatuck, MI. I know I'm being silly, but I can't help it. I know Cadence will be just fine. I should just embrace this opportunity to be alone to do whatever the heck I want (within reason, of course). Still...I'm gonna feel mighty out of place without my family in tow.

Oh, and this is totally off topic, but some old high school friends and I got together last week while our friend Steve Elliott was in town. Steve has been making quite a name for himself as an author, and was even awarded the Stegner Fellowship @ Stanford University a few years ago, which is a far cry from his teenage days as a ward of the state or homeless in Rogers Park. Anyhoo, it was fun to hang out and catch up.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Labels: cadence, photography, prayer.for.the.paranoid, random.thoughts, wedding.photography, weddings

This is usually a quiet time of the year for me at work, but something came up that's thrown me into temporary busyness resulting in working while on the train, through lunch, at home, in the middle of the night, etc, and that's put a serious damper on my ability to post here. So here I go again with the random thoughts/updates and random photos.

Remember my voluntary simplicity mantra for the year? Well, it's the end of May, and I feel like I've gotten nowhere with that. I feel really pathetic saying this, but I think it would take an intervention like getting on a Reality TV show to get my butt in gear in terms of purging and decluttering our lives. But it's not just the physical stuff. It's my mind that needs decluttering too.

I find that I simply rush through my day, seldom taking time to notice the little things, such as these delicate flowers on the side of the pavement, these little encapsulations of purity and beauty. I don't take the time to breathe in deeply, or to quiet myself, or to connect to myself, let alone God or those around me. I wonder what it would take to change that?

So I was in the dining room the other day when I heard Cadence's voice coming from her room, saying, "Oh please don't go! We'll eat you up, we love you so!" I grabbed the camera to capture this photo of her "reading." It's the first book that she's taken to reciting, and now she walks around our home saying in the same cackly voice I use, "...And they GNASHED their terrible teeth, and they GNASHED their terrible eyes, and they GNASHED their terrible claws..." She apparently really likes the word GNASHED. It really tickles me so that she loves this book so much, because she is most definitely My Wild Thing, and that's what I love so much about her.

Speaking of Cadence, she's been under the weather the past couple days. She doesn't get sick very often, so when she does, I tend to get a little bit anxious. It hasn't been too bad so far. Just some head congestion. She tried to nurse yesterday morning and just couldn't breathe so she gave up. She later made a comment that I was "empty" and that she just couldn't do it. That made me wonder if that's how she'll self-wean, as my supply continues to dwindle, and it gets harder and harder for her to get a let-down. She must be breathing better by now because she was able to nurse last night and this morning, which I'm glad about because I prefer her to get as much breastmilk as possible when she's sick so I can pass on my antibodies.

Ted's been busy brewing up all kinds of beer. We've had lots of it in kegs lately, which is a whole new way of drinking homebrew. For those who know the joys of drinking draught beer, especially really good draught beer, you can believe that this is probably one of those no-turning-back experiences. For Ted, at least. I only drink the foamy part (and you sure can get good foam when you can control your own carbonation in a keg).

In case you haven't noticed, for the past couple months, the only shoes Cadence will wear unless cajoled otherwise are her black sparkly ballerina flats. She wears them to church, to the park, to the grocery store, to the children's museum, to the library, to the cafe, and yes, when she's driving in her little car. Needless to say, they're starting to fall apart. I finally took her shoe-shopping last night, and she INSISTED on a pink version of the sparkly shoes. Then I showed her a little less showy pair of floral canvas ballerina flats which she agreed to buy instead, and I convinced her to also accept a pair of gender neutral black canvas slip-on sneakers for the playground.

When we got home, however, she said some stuff that kind of gave me pause. She said something to the effect of "I'm a girl, so I like these shoes [meaning the flowery ballerina flats]," and she expressed less enthusiasm for the black gender neutral sneakers. As I've mentioned before, we're trying hard not to raise a little princess who will be looking for her prince in shining armor to "save" her. This is something I feel strongly about because when I was a young girl, I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic, and my mother told me women don't do things like that. I know I shouldn't get too worked up about it, but it scares me how quickly this whole gender socialization thing happens.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I had a post up on Shutter Sisters last Sunday. You can read all about it here.

Also, one of my photos from 826CHI's prom was picked for Gapers Block's Rearview for Tuesday May 20th. My friend Justin saw it and told me about it. That was kinda cool.

Alright, I think that's enough for now. Happy long weekend everyone!

Labels: cadence, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, this.busy.life

I've been really busy at work, and with last weekend's packed schedule, I have to admit I don't have much to offer on this here blog o' mine. My thoughts are all over the place lately. Excuse me if I fail at molding this here post into some semblance of coherence. This is where random thoughts come in. And random photos.

Sometimes, I get really tired of feeling like we're doing it alone. Living, parenting, being. I have this yearning to live in community w/ folks, to raise each others' kids, to grow our own food, to cook for each other, to play cards, to sing old hymns in 4 part harmony, to make art, to share books and CDs and sofas and cars as well as the occasional cup of sugar and eggs. I can't be the only one who feels like this. But how you get started on such a paradigm-shifting project? I have no clue...

As much as I love my boss and am treated well by my current company, I can't help feeling uneasy being tied down to a corporate job. Yes, it pays the bills and enables Ted to stay home with Cadence, but I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. I have thoughts of doing photography professionally, but I'm afraid of two things: 1) not getting enough business; and 2) becoming bored with photography.

Do you know what one of my pet peeves is? Christians who think Jesus is gonna bail us out of the mess we made, so "oh, well if the rest of the earth is going to hell in a handbasket as long as we get taken up to heaven before it self-destructs." And what the hell is heaven anyways? I don't think it's gonna be one big eternal hallelujah surrounded by streets of gold and harp-strumming winged creatures. I rather like how the theologian and Anglican bishop N.T. Wright talks about heaven.

I'm still reading Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States and it is still kicking my butt. You can read some of it online here if you want to know what I'm talking about.

And then there's Cadence. She sure is something. The other day at church, our friend Matt J. held out his hand for a high five. Cadence responded by giving him her FOOT, sparkly shoe and all. Oh, and that would be the Sunday on which the first thing she did when we got to church was to pee in her pants. Of course that had to be the day that I forgot to pack an extra pair of pants. She ran around the church in her underwear and thought nothing of it. Still, she's a neater eater than I am (which isn't saying much). I just have to remember the time when the sight of Cadence peeing in the toilet unassisted was a mere fantasy and be thankful for the progress she's made so far. Now I'm fantasizing about her pooping in the toilet instead of her underwear...That day, too, shall come, I'm told...

The reality is that I'm watching my baby, who is no longer a baby or even a toddler, grow up before my very eyes, and my heart panics just a wee bit. I have no idea what to do about school. I'm afraid to put a ball of such unstoppable energy into a classroom environment, but I don't know (or am afraid of) what my other options are. I'm convinced that despite the noble intentions of many teachers, the majority of schools these days are designed to spit out conformist drones, and I can't resist rebelling against that.

Alrighty, then. I think that'll do for random thoughts. I've got more rolling around in my head, but I'm tired of typing and being awake.

Labels: activism, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts

I definitely don't get around to listening to as much music as I used to, but I did go on a CD buying binge this past week, so I thought I'd mention it.

First of all, I finally got around to watching the movie Once on Sunday night. In fact, we were probably watching it the very moment that Glen and Marketa were accepting their Oscar for Best Song from that movie. We don't have TV reception, so I wasn't watching the Oscars, and since we haven't seen any movies in the theater this past year except for one kids flick, we had no interest in the Oscars and had no idea that these guys were up for an award.

So of course, the very next day, I ordered both the soundtrack to the movie Once, Glen and Marketa's album as The Swell Season, plus For the Birds by The Frames, the band that Glen fronts. I tend to be a completist, so I can see myself ordering some more albums by The Frames. I highly recommend them.

Second, I found out this week that my favorite kids musicmaker Elizabeth Mitchell and Daniel Littleton recently released a new album for their grown-up band Ida. I immediately went to their label Polyvinyl's website and ordered Lover's Prayer. It is lush, it is beautiful, it is haunting, it is most excellent. I highly recommend it.

Third, because I can't just order one CD at a time, I also ordered a couple albums by various incarnations of Mike Kinsella. That is to say, I ordered the latest (latest as in from November of 2006--I told you I'm behind) full-length from Owen (which is basically Mike Kinsella's current solo outfit) and the one full-length from American Football (which Mike fronted back in the late 90's). I haven't listened to the latter album yet, but I did listen to the Owen album (titled At Home With Owen) twice back-to-back tonight. I've been a fan since I saw him live at Schubas back in the latter part of 2002.

I have to admit that my affinity for the music of Owen is a guilty pleasure. Honestly? His songs are kind of whiny and cynical, lyrically. He obviously has spent a lot of time thinking about his life. But damnit, the boy makes beautiful music, and I can't help getting sucked into the melancholy. I know some folks can't stand emo of any sort (punk, folk, indie, whatever), so if that's you, you probably won't like this stuff. Me, on the other hand, I LIVE for that emo rubbish.

Labels: music, random.thoughts

I recently saw this on my beloved inspiration Jen Lemen's Flickr stream, and it hit me like a timely prophetic word. Dismantle Fear. DISMANTLE. FEAR. Yes, THAT is what I need to do. Take apart my fears one by one, render them powerless in my life. And maybe in doing so gain some hiddens morsels of insight as to who I am and where these fears have grown from and how to transplant courage and hope and trust and joy into those places where fear once had its roots.

Obviously, this will be no overnight task. You see, I am a woman of many fears. Spending your most formative years in a fundamentalist cult, being hurt in ways no child should ever be hurt, failing at relationships that you thought would last forever, watching your dad waste away before your very eyes. These are things that tend to plant seeds of fear in a person, seeds that eventually grow into stubborn weeds.

Well, I've started my personal process of Dismantling Fear, and I've decided to begin with the Fear of Not Being Worthy Of the Company I Keep. The lovely and talented Tracey of Mother May I presented me with the perfect opportunity to do this by inviting me to contribute to a new online community blog of women photographers called Shutter Sisters. When I looked at the list of amazing women who had already joined forces with Tracey, my first reaction was, "There's no way I'm good enough to be one of them. I'm just a cheesy mommyblogger!" I began my email to decline Tracey's offer. But then I realized that I have avoided being a part of anything that would potentially push my limits a bit and maybe, just maybe, make me GROW a little. I've always been so afraid of not being good enough. And yet, I knew from reading the blogs of these women that while they are intimidatingly talented, they are also kind and supportive and encouraging. So I said Yes to Tracey! And now I'm a Shutter Sister!

I am giddy with the prospects of collaborating with these women and other Shutter Sisters from all over the world, cyber and real. Please check us out! Better yet, join us!

Labels: about.me, bloggers, friends.who.rock, photography, random.thoughts, shutter.sisters

Burn-out. Isolation. Disengagement. Apathy. Complacency. Hopelessness. These are a few things I've been feeling from time to time. It's something I'm sure everybody deals with at some point. I just feel like there's something more to what's going on in my head and my heart lately than I'm fully able to grasp in the conscious realm (not to sound all mystical or anything).

For the past few years, I've felt that it was enough just to be a mom and to pay the bills. Both roles take up an inordinate amount of time and energy, that's for sure. Lately, though, I feel like I need to BE more. I don't really get it, but it's a feeling of needing to grow and stretch myself in ways I've been avoiding out of fear and laziness.

We're all broken in one way or numerous ways, and like anyone else, I'm looking for wholeness. I've avoided thinking about my broken parts and pieces for a long time, but they haven't fixed themselves, it seems, during my time of ignoring them. I've always had this need to keep myself together out of fear of totally falling apart. I'm still scared of that, but I think I can let myself unravel just a bit and see what happens.

Seriously, I'm just rambling here...It's Friday. I need a little grace.

Labels: random.thoughts

A while back, Ted mentioned that I should blog about something to motivate me to take action about that said something. I've been mulling it over because I don't really know how to blog about it, so I'm just gonna do it. My thoughts haven't crystallized, so if I sound like I'm rambling, that's because I am...

Anyhoo, one of Ted's passions in life is Voluntary Simplicity. Yes, I know you all thought all he was interested in is beer and homebrewing, but he's actually more complex and contemplative than I usually let on. I'm all for Voluntary Simplicity in theory. But when it comes to day-to-day living, man, do I totally suck at it.

For the past 3.5+ years we've been living together, Ted has been trying to get our family to minimize our possessions and to declutter our living spaces. Poor thing. You see, he married a packrat. Needless to say, it has not been a painless process for us. But I think I'm beginning to see the light. I recently had a daydream/visualization of the world just filling up with stuff and stuff and more stuff at an astronomical rate, and it really freaked me out. I can see that happening in our home, and it's really got to stop.

I like to think of myself as someone who is bucking the system, rejecting material consumption, and who cares about the environment. Truth be told, however, I'm sooooooo lazy at it, which makes me question my motives. Do I really care, or do I just want to keep up appearances because Green is the New Black [could someone explain this phraseology to me?]?

Anyhoo, I'm not being hard on myself or anything here. I'm just trying to sort out what's real, and if I've been faking it all this time, well, I gotta come clean one way or another...To Be Continued...Indefinitely...

Labels: blogging.schmlogging, family, random.thoughts, sustainability

You know what I love about autumn? I really, really adore all the leaves floating down one, two, three at a time, creating piles and piles on the sidewalks and next to the parked cars in the streets. I know that's like a duh given, but I just don't ever get over the leaves. I love how they crunch under my feet as I walk to catch my morning train. I love how they mute all the colors around them to browns and golds and oranges with the occasional blazing crimson.

I love autumn because it is the season that gave me my Cadence, and I love that SHE loves watching the leaves fall from the sky, kicking them up into the air with her feet, pointing out that once all the leaves have fallen from the branches (she actually likes using the word 'branches' these days), that it will finally snow. Only a kid, or a kid at heart, or someone from a tropical climate, could get excited at the prospect of snow.

And while autumn means that death and hibernation are just around the corner, and that I will soon need to wear longjohns on my walks to the train--every now and then, you encounter a vestige of life from the summer past, and it is even more strikingly beautiful because it has now become so scarce. I've always enjoyed a little splash of pink next to the browns in my life, because there probably is no better color combination than pink and brown.

Go visit other folks' Best Shots for the week at Tracey's Picture This.

Labels: best.shots.monday, i.heart.autumn, photos, random.thoughts

#1— This has been a beautiful week weatherwise in Chicago (although we could use some rain soon, I'm sure). We live about a mile from the lake, and I've been there with Cadence a few times this past week. I was reminded again just how beautiful it is to live by a big body of water like Lake Michigan. I know I rave about summers in Seattle, but when you think about it, summers in Chicago are pretty damn nice too.

I know that we don't live by the BIGGEST of the Great Lakes, but it still looks like an ocean to me. You can't help but be filled with a sense of awe while looking out on the vast waters beneath a huge endless sky. I just don't get tired of this. Ever.

#2—Something I wonder and worry about every 3 days or so is where, when and how to send Cadence to school. Ted and I have seriously considered homeschooling, cuz let's face it—Chicago Public Schools are not exactly stellar. But lately, Cadence has shown an interest in going to school. She's run into kids from a nearby preschool at a local playground, and she really seems to want to be a part of that whole scene. I guess playing with an entire group of people her own size is more appealing than same old boring mom and dad. So I guess we are open to the idea of sending her to school. Lord knows Ted could probably use the break. And now we have to ask ourselves when we think a good time would be to enroll her. And considering most schools require that you apply a good 6-9 months in advance, we may need to decide WHERE to send her sooner than we'd like.

Part of it will depend on the luck of the draw, literally, as I hear the best public schools in the city have a pretty competitive lottery system of admission. I've thought about packing up the family and moving into the neighborhood of certain schools so that we'd have a better chance of getting in. But I'd hate to go through all that trouble and end up not getting in at all.

I feel like so much of public education in the last decade has focused a ridiculous amount of time on testing, which I think is stupid and a waste of taxpayer dollars. I was surprised to find that an increasing number of schools have done away with recess. I don’t want Cadence to be stuck in a learning environment where she's forced to fill in an endless array of bubbles with a #2 pencil day after day. That's not what I call learning. That's what I call mind-numbing, brain-cell-annihilating exercise in futility.

#3—Lately, I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a large family. I'm actually a big supporter of folks who choose to have only one child. In the U.S., having just one kid has the environmental impact of having maybe 30 kids or more in certain parts of the developing world. This is something I actually have thought about a lot. On the other hand, I've ALWAYS wanted to be in a big family, and I really enjoy the dynamics among Ted and his siblings. Cadence is such a social kid that I think she's really going to give us a hard time if we don't provide her with some siblings. Now don't jump to the conclusion that Ted and I are gonna get busy for a #2 anytime soon. Adding another family member would be a significant change to the current family environment, and we need to think about this more. I know some of you are laughing at me, but dude…Cadence is a flippin' handful…A very cute, sweet and charming handful, but still…Maybe what she needs is a lot of cousins…

Labels: cadence, family, photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1—I've been thinking lately about my "past" lives. No, I'm not talking about "past" as in previous lives, but as in the totally different people I've been over the course of my 35 years. It's just so weird to think back to the various identities and sets of beliefs and circles of friends I've had. I've even had a number of different names. You'd think I couldn't make up my mind on who I was or something.

It's always a little awkward when I run into someone from one of these former lives. I have no idea what they've heard through the grapevine about my life since I last saw them. It's especially weird if they just assume that I'm the same as I ever was, especially regarding my thoughts on God and the Church (and by Church, I mean mainly the evangelical church in the U.S.).

Sometimes, though, it's a pleasant surprise to run into someone I haven't seen in a while. Like yesterday, at the Common, when I ran into a guy named Dave Fleuchaus who I used to go to church with. It was a very brief encounter, but still really nice, and I got to introduce him to Ted and Cadence. It's funny how a flood of memories can rush back from when you were essentially someone else. I sure do miss a lot of the people…

#2—Whenever summer rolls around, my thoughts drift towards the Pacific Northwest, home of my favorite city to visit—Seattle, WA. Surrounded by mountains and water, built on hills, draped in breathtakingly green raiment, covered by deep azure skies, and soaked in bountiful sunshine—summers in Seattle are simply gorgeous. I know they're notorious for their drizzle, but that's really mainly during the winter months. Summers totally make up for it.

There was a time when you could fly roundtrip to Seattle from Chicago for around $180. I think I visited there 3 times in a 9-month period back in 2002/2003. Ted went last year to drink beer with visit his bro Charles and sis-in-law Ali while I moped at home with Cadence. Now I'm itching to go back, but we've decided that we won't take any flying trips this year, unless it's Ted's dad who's doing the flying. Now that we have to buy a ticket for Cadence too, we'd have to spend at least $700 on airfare alone to go most places far away enough to justify flying. But still…

I really have a hankering for some fresh (flying) seafood at Pike Place market.

Or a REALLY AWESOME latte on Capitol Hill.

Or a picnic in Discovery Park.

Or watching folks busking on the street corners.

Or some really greasy pizza on The Ave.

Or a late night stroll through Red Square in UW.

Or just hanging out in Charles and Ali's backyard. And I could go on and on…

#3—I think I'm a total sap sometimes. It must the be whole getting old thing again.

Labels: i.heart.seattle, memory.lane, photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1—I've been missing the Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle lately. Maybe it's the whole turning 35 thing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Whatever the reason, I've determined to start going to more shows. Granted, if I get to see 3 shows in a year, that would qualify as MORE, but I was thinking more along the lines of at least twice a month. Holy shit. That sounds like a lot.

Anyhoo, I've got this lovely new camera that I'm dying to use on Chicago's best-lit venues, so who better to call upon than my dear friends Derek Becker of Satellite Booking and the Detholz! It just so happens that the 'Holz are headlining the I-Go Audio Emissions CD Release Party at the Metro tonight. I asked Derek if I could get a media pass so I could shoot photos, and he was nice enough to put me on the guestlist AND get me a media pass! The Metro happens to have my favorite lights in the city, so I'm really excited about the show tonight. And my friend Miss Mia of Chic-a-go-go is hosting the show, so I hope she tells all the tall folks to get the hell out of my way! Stay tuned for the photos…

#2—Speaking of the Detholz! show, I am hopefully going to get to meet someone at the show whose blog (erg, actually her Myspace page) I've been lurking on for a few months, and who it turns out has also been lurking on my blog! HA HA! That gets me a-thinkin' about the power of the Internet to establish relationships between folks who would otherwise be too shy to express their mutual admiration for one another in person. It also shows how the Internet brings out the inner stalker in all of us. I totally admit to that one.

#3—Cadence is growing up so fast. No, really. It's become more noticeable in just the past week or so. She's actually occasionally rational now. I can say to her, "We can't eat cookies for breakfast, but you can have an apple or an apricot," and she'll actually choose one of the latter two without argument 5% of the time. Or when I come home and she demands a nursing session right away, I can now say to her, "We'll do ma-ma-ma (her word for nursing) after I pee and change into something more comfortable (e.g., sans bra), and she'll actually say, "Okay."

Then again, she did have that screaming session yesterday evening about something I can't even remember, and I had to plug my ears or totally seriously risk hearing loss. It was flippin' loud, folks. I don't see how she's not deaf herself.

But still, overall I'm noticing that when I can't give her what she wants, as long as I get down on her level and give her some sort of explanation in a gentle, empathic voice, she'll resort to screaming in retaliation much less than she used to.

She's also beginning to understand aspects of the bigger world outside our little family. It kind of shocked me the other day when we were talking about church, and she tilts her head, nodding it up and down, and says, "Blbublaubl God? Blbublaubl Eesus?" Wow. So she knows that going to church has something to do with God and Jesus. Up to this point, she always associated church with Rudden (her best friend and baby love) and her other friends. And Matt the pianist whom we pick up every Sunday.

And then when we were at my cousin's house on Tuesday night, Baby Eden was propped up on her boppy while we were eating, and she started crying. Cadence was next to her, and looking really concerned, she says to me, "Blbublaubl wanna ah-zhoo!" No, she wasn't sneezing. Ah'-zhoo is her word for "be held." She knew that the baby wanted to be held and was alerting us to that fact.

So yeah, she's becoming spiritual AND compassionate. Totally growing up so fast.

Labels: cadence, friends.rock, friends.who.rock, live.music, motherhood, parenting, random.photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

#1--This one isn't so much a thought as it is a little piece of advice. "ALWAYS LOOK BEFORE YOU DRINK." That's right, folks. You never know what might be in that tall glass of yours. If I had heeded this little piece of common sense, I never would have ended up with a spider in my mouth this morning. And I'm not talking a little tiny jumper. It was at least half an inch big, and that's how I caught a blurry glimpse of something brown going in my mouth as I was taking my last gulp. Luckily, I had enough wits about me not to swallow, and after a second or two of blinking my eyes, wondering what the heck was floating in my mouth, I decided to spit the water back into my glass. That's when I saw the creepy critter, flailing its legs helplessly in the shallow pool of water in the bottom of my glass. I'm quite proud of myself that I somehow maintained composure instead of reacting how I normally do to spiders, which is to scream like a 2 year old who's had their cookie confiscated and to jump on the nearest chair. My still-sleeping family would not have appreciated that, I'm sure. I'm still kind of grossed out by the whole thing though. Ted and I are such big wussies when it comes to creepy crawly things. Cadence, on the other hand, hasn't learned to be afraid of them yet, and we're hoping to foster that lack of fear so that we can designate her the household bug remover (we don't squash—we relocate).

#2--In a couple of days, I will be celebrating my 35th birthday. I just can't believe how old that sounds. I mean, I remember watching the show thirtysomething when I was younger and thinking to myself that those folks were really old. And now, here I am. Not merely thirtysomething, like thirty-one or thirty-three, but undeniable and securely in my MID THIRTIES. Holy cow.

I have to admit, though, that I've always felt kind of old. I distinctly remember the last day of school in June of 1980. I was walking home, report card in hand, with all my little friends, when I had an epiphany. "Wow," I thought to myself, "I'm going to be in the 3rd grade in September. Now I'm REALLY old." And at 25, when I became a quarter of a century old, I grieved the loss of my youth and was convinced that any age greater than 25 sounded so egregiously old.

#3--Speaking of lost youth and being a kid, I sometimes wonder about all the events of my life, how so much was meaningful to me in that moment, but now, however, there seems to be so little that I actually remember. What happens to memories when you forget them? I suppose that by definition, they are not memories any more. It makes me wonder what juicy morsels of my past lie hidden in the deep recesses of my squishy brain. What friends have I forgotten, who were at the time so totally going to be my BFF? What heartache did i suffer that I was totally convinced I would never survive? What joys did I relish, not realizing then that the memory would someday fade? I wonder…

Labels: random.photos, random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays

I'm starting something new around here. I'm calling it Three Thoughts Thursday, and it should be pretty self-explanatory. Three thoughts. Posted on Thursdays. I was gonna make it Thirty Thoughts Thursday, but once you read my first thought below, you'll see why I changed my mind. For the record, these thoughts will be of the Deliberately Random sort, so don't be expecting a dissertation on the failure of postmodernism to address the specific needs of mommybloggers or anything of that sort. If it's erudition you seek, go somewhere else.

Oh. And the photos will be just as DR* as the thoughts.

*Deliberately Random

#1--I've been thinking lately that I'm getting dumber as I get older. Is it mommyhood? Am I just not reading enough? Or is it early-onset Alzheimer's (which happens to run in my family on both sides, yippe-aye-ay)? I used to toy with the idea of going back to school someday when we're independently wealthy so that I can become either a lawyer or a librarian, but now I'm thinking I won't be able to hack it. Maybe I'm just lazier, not older.

#2--I think that Brown and Pink might be the best color combo ever. Why? Because it immediately brings to mind Chocolate and Strawberry ice cream, side by side, just the way I like it. If you throw in off-white, you'd get Neapolitan, which is okay, except that I prefer to ignore Vanilla and just go straight for the Brown and Pink stuff. Cadence is the same way.

#3--I think it's about time I emerge from the Dark Ages and got myself an mp3 player. I've resisted the whole iPod revolution this long, but I'm finally surrendering because I really miss the rock 'n' roll. Since I take the train to work, I don't get to blare my car stereo very often, and I have fallen hopelessly behind on the exponentially-expanding volume of worthy music out there. The thing is, I have no idea which mp3 player to get. I'd really like to be able to listen to the radio, cuz frankly, sometimes all I need is NPR and WLUW. I don't know if I actually need 30GB, which is the size of my laptop's entire hard drive. Oh, and if I could get one in brown and pink, I'd be like totally sold.

Labels: random.thoughts, three.thoughts.thursdays